7. Avery
seven
Avery
W hen I see Phial sitting with the other males who've agreed to help me out with my desire to learn to be more physically intimate with someone, I experience a variety of emotions. Most are good. But a horror tickling the back of my neck tells me Phial has no idea what's happening.
When I proposed this idea to Kithi, she told me she'd support me however she could.
It isn't unheard of for Rytharian females to have bad experiences with males and need to learn to feel safe around them again. What I suggested wasn't even a new concept to her. Though telling her made my cheeks burn with embarrassment. She told me she and Jia would find some males who might be interested, and I could meet up with them and maybe talk with them to see if there was any connection between us.
I don't need a full-blown love match or anything. I just don't want to feel weird around whoever's going to help me get past this hurdle. I don't expect to see Phial sitting here with his feathers standing straight up like he doesn't know what he's signing up for and is finding out in real time right now.
"Phial?" I say his name as a question, and his eyes grow wider. Yeah, he had no idea what he was doing when he came here. Oh, this is humiliating.
"I think there's been some sort of misunderstanding," I say, turning to Jia, who's staring daggers at Phial.
She doesn't notice me looking at her for a couple of seconds, and when she does, she acts surprised. Her face goes soft again as she smiles at me.
"No mistake, everyone here is here because they wanted to be," Jia says.
She beams at the males, who are all sitting and staring. There are two Rytharian males here as well, but I can't force my attention away from Phial. Not now that he's frantically brushing his feathers down, only for them to spring right back up. It's something he does frequently. I'd think he'd be used to them not wanting to cooperate with him when they're like that, but he tries and tries to flatten them over and over. It has my lips twitching up at the corners because even though this is a brutally awkward encounter, he's still the same Phial.
"You want to be here?" I ask.
His eyes go wide again, the feathers twitching to ensure they stay straight. I have to bite on my lip to keep from smiling.
Phial frowns as he runs his fingers through his feathers repeatedly, an erratic movement that makes him seem nervous. Maybe he is because he's putting two and two together about what's happening here.
He lets out a loud sigh, his hands falling to his sides as he gives up on making his feather lie flat. His tail is curled around the chair he's sitting in, almost in a defensive way, like he's trying to protect himself.
"Yes, yes, I want to be here, and I know what's happening," Phial says, his eyes drifting upward like he's trying to see if his feathers are still upright even though he can't see them. I bite harder on my lip because a giggle is trying hard to work itself up and out of my mouth. "Why are you looking like that?"
"Looking like what?" I manage to get the question out as a squeak while trying to hold back the laugh.
Phial nods to himself and stands. "Okay, I've made a fool of myself. I can see that. I'm sure you'll choose a good male to help you."
Phial moves toward Jia and me, but a low growl stops him. He swivels on his heels, his body tensing as he positions himself in front of Jia and me, baring his teeth to the other males. He might think he's embarrassing himself and might think he's being foolish, but that will never stop him from protecting me. He made a promise to me months ago, and he's held true to it every single day.
"Why are you here, Phial?" I ask, reaching out and placing my hand on his shoulder.
His hiss stops immediately, a soft chirping sound taking its place for a moment before he looks down at me over his shoulder. It's the first time I've ever touched him. Well, not counting the time he carried me out of the smuggling ship or any time his tail accidentally touched me.
"Sometimes the mother tells us to do things," he says softly, his eyes brimming with the usual mischief I'm used to seeing from him.
I wish he'd tell me he's here because he wants me or because a small part of him wants to know what it would be like to be with me. I know it's not a small part of me that wonders about him.
I'll take his deity telling him to help me, though. I'm too curious to know what being with him might be like to give up the opportunity. Not to mention if things don't work out or he really truly only sees me as a friend, we can part ways on Earth.
"You know I'm looking for a male to be physical with?" I ask, making sure he knows what he's getting into.
I don't want him to feel coerced into doing something he doesn't want to do just because he's agreed to help me. He doesn't owe me anything, especially not this.
"You need someone who will protect you," he says, finally turning around to face me. He doesn't move closer, and I don't reach back up to touch him. So far, he's given me no reason to think he wants to help me to be with me. It's all been about protecting me. "I thought since I'm your friend, you'd feel safer with me."
Friend. Of course. He's still the altruistic Phial who wants to keep me safe from everything, who wants to help me heal, and who doesn't see me as anything more than his friend.
It should be enough for me to pick one of the other males. I can pick someone who wants me physically and who would enjoy being with me. Not someone who feels obligated because they're the one who rescued me from hell.
I should pick someone besides Phial, but I won't. I've wanted Phial since he saved me. Maybe I wasn't willing to admit that to myself until now, but the heats have worn me down.
I want him every time I'm in heat. I want him to make me feel better. I want him to hold me. I want everything he's willing to give me. If I have to take it as his friend, in a purely platonic way, I'll make it work. I have to because I need to know what he feels like.
"I'm choosing Phial," I tell Jia.
She doesn't act surprised at all and escorts the other two males out of the room. Another sister waits for them in the hall, and the males say something about Phial being an idiot. I shoot a glare in their direction, my lips pulling up into a snarl.
I may not be completely Rytharian, but I still feel the rage that their females do when someone talks about a male I want to be with. They're not even the first ones, and I've had to stop myself from hitting some of the females for some of the things they say. What stops me is how easily they'd beat my ass. I'm not a fighter, and I don't need anyone to know how one-sided my feelings for Phial are.
"Were you wanting to attempt anything today?" Jia asks me. She stands between Phial and me, and he casts her an unamused glare.
"Can I?" I bite my lip, my eyes moving over to where Phial's now standing a few feet away, watching us. His tail is still, unlike the lazy sweeps it normally makes. His feathers are finally starting to relax, though they're still standing up to some degree. I realize I haven't cleared it with Phial if he's open to trying anything today. I don't even know if he has plans. "If you have time."
"Yes." Phial nods and answers before I fully ask him if he wants to today. "Anytime, whenever. I'll always make time for you."
My heart skips a beat, and my cheeks flush. Why can't he say these things and also maybe look at me more in the lover way instead of the friend way? When he says things like that, I can pretend for a second that he does want me as something more. I can forget that he's never shown any interest in me that way, how he's never touched me, and how he seemed fine enough to go and meet up with females after I told him to.
Okay, so the third point is my own fault. But I can admit that I wanted him to deny wanting anyone else, sweep me into his arms, and tell me he's always wanted me. A girl can dream, okay?
"Tell him the rules. I'll show you both to the room," Jia says, walking out of the room and waiting for us to follow before heading down the hall.
"The rules?" Phial asks. I startle at how close he is to me. His body is maybe an inch from my back as he steps close behind me. He takes great care in making sure not to touch me, though.
"So I have the pleasure crew necklace from Sloane," I say, my cheeks heating as Phial hisses.
I can't tell if he hates that or is thinking about wishing he had his own pleasure crew to help him out instead of having to help me out with the basics of physical touch. I clear my throat and push those thoughts far, far away.
"Jia and Kithi have set up one of the rooms to work at the same frequency the pendant works. Green means everything is fine, yellow means to slow down, orange means we need to pause, and red means stop and get away from me. Obviously, if I tell you to stop or something, then you have to stop, but this is in case I go nonverbal, which we both know I struggle with sometimes when I'm having flashbacks."
Phial nods along as I talk, not taking any of this as if it's weird. When I don't continue, he quirks one of his feathered brows at me, and butterflies dance in my stomach. I avert my eyes as the flush in my cheeks grows.
"We go at my pace. If the word no or stop is said, the microphones in the room pick it up, and one of the sisters is alerted. I've been assured there's no video recording in place, and the only time the microphone or speakers will record is if I say stop or no or the pendant is switched to red."
"Sounds reasonable," Phial says. His claws click against the stone floor as we journey further down one of the hallways. "Are we to only do this here, or will you use the pendant on the ship?"
I choke on my breath, not expecting that to be one of his questions. I try to glance at him out of the corner of my eye to see if I can tell what he's thinking about to ask that question.
He's blatantly staring at me, and it takes me by surprise. One, because I'm trying to be sneaky and failing, and two because he's so close as he stares. With every step I take, he's right over my shoulder, his body not far from mine. I don't think he knows how graceful he is because it's something even I'm still getting used to.
"Just here for now," I say, not wanting that to be my answer at all. If Phial's turned off by that, he doesn't make any indication of it.
"If that changes, let me know," he says offhandedly as though it's not warming my lower belly and causing slick to pool in my panties.
Stupid Rytharian genes I was altered to have and their never-ending ability to create lubrication. I groan as I think about the sensible lavender panties I put on, already dampening just from Phial talking to me.
I'll never know how I made it this far without realizing I like him. I was going through multiple pairs of panties a day just by being near him. That should've been my first clue.
"Will do," I squeak out as Jia opens up a door for us and motions us inside
"Like Avery said, you go at her pace. Don't make us have to come in here by ignoring her requests to stop or slow down. If that happens, you're no longer welcome on Rythar soil, understood?" Jia asks Phial as my eyes scan over the room.
I approved this room earlier today with Slaone and K'Vella's help. I didn't want to seem too eager, but I wanted to make sure I had different options for feeling comfortable. Now that I'm looking at the pile of furs next to a nesting platform, the bed up against one wall, and the small loveseat against the other, I wonder if this isn't too presumptuous.
"I understand," Phial says. He doesn't seem fazed by the room, so maybe it's just me overthinking it now that I'm here with someone willing to touch me. Phial turns to Jia as she goes to leave the room. "I promise nothing hurts her. Not when she's with me."
Jia gives him an unimpressed look that I have to bite my lip to keep from smiling at. I don't think either has noticed me watching them. This is just how the two interact with one another.
I'll have to ask Phial another time why Jia doesn't seem to be his biggest fan. I'd ask now, but as soon as that door snicks shut and Phial turns to face me, my mouth goes dry, and my thoughts vacate my mind.
Phial gives me a toothy smile, his eyes jumping around the room. "Where do you want to start?"