9. Chapter 9
Chapter nine
A fter dinner, the throne room cleared quickly as everyone eagerly made their way to the Jestu celebration. Atalee gave me a mask to wear, as it was tradition to cover your face during the celebration. I made my way to the bottom level of the castle into a room I had never been in before, on purpose.
It was a large room, poorly lit with couches, chairs, tables, and platforms surrounding the outer edges. A beautiful crystal-clear pool was center stage in the room, fed by an indoor waterfall that fell from the ceiling. Glasses of ambrosia lined the trays of the human servants as I walked into a room full of eager and horny beings. A servant girl gestured for me to follow her to a throne that sat on the highest platform. Great, a front-row seat.
Alfar and humans alike were scattered around the floor. Their faces were covered in masks which I was thankful for. At least I couldn’t easily make them out from one another. Music played heavily in the air while everyone began to drink and flirt. Ten minutes in, the clothes began coming off as they kissed, licked, and sucked on each other in the most intimate yet vulgar ways. I tried to focus on the music and not look, but as time went on the sounds got louder.
Even though I didn’t have an alfar’s nose, I could smell the scent of sex as it filled the room. The sounds and moans saturated the air, taking precedence over the music. I tensed my fists, trying to focus on anything but what was happening around me. I felt a hand slowly slide up my arm. I snapped open my eyes to see a male alfar I didn’t recognize.
“May I serve you, Your Highness?” he asked in a deep voice, running his hand up my leg.
“No,” I snapped, pushing his touch away.
He bowed, backing into the crowd and out of sight.
I looked around me to see flesh glistening with sweat and alfar and human bodies intertwined with one another. The flashes and memories began to flicker behind my eyelids once more. This time it wasn’t just of the king. It was of Gaelin too. How he felt. How he sounded. How he smelled. The memories made me sick. I was going to be sick.
I pushed myself from the throne and darted through the crowded room to the door, eager for fresh air. I ran up the stairs and through the halls until I finally reached my bedroom. I barely made it to the toilet as the contents of my stomach came pouring back up. I wiped my face, trying to calm myself, but I was shaking and crying, unable to see through the spots that clouded my vision.
I hated sex. I hated everything about it. The sounds, the smell, the sight … everything. How was I going to endure this twice a month for the rest of my life? How was I going to endure a husband in the next few months?
I made my way to the bed and crawled into a seated position against the headboard. I curled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them as I rocked, trying to soothe myself like Levos used to do to me.
I closed my eyes, trying to shake the images from my mind, but I couldn’t. I pulled at my hair, trying to make my mind stop, but it was no use. I was in the middle of a full-blown attack, and I would just have to ride it out.
A soft hand touched my forearm.
I opened my eyes quickly, pushing myself against the back of the headboard in fear. Erendrial sat in front of me on my bed. His mask lay next to him. His hair was tousled, and his shirt was opened lower than normal. I recoiled away from him, trying to put as much space between us as I could.
“Please leave. I don’t want you to see me like this,” I said, still shaking.
He placed his hands on either of my arms, turning me towards him. “Gen, look at me,” he said. I kept my eyes shut, trying to squirm away from his touch. “Genevieve, open your eyes and look at me.” he demanded.
I did as he said, trying to focus on the motion of his silver swirling eyes. “Please leave,” I cried.
“I’m not going anywhere. Not when you’re like this. Now, focus on me and breathe. Deep breaths. In and out. Just focus on your breathing. Nothing else. In and out,” he said softly.
I did as he said, feeling my tired heart finally begin to slow as the shaking eventually stopped altogether. He slowly released his hands from me as I relaxed against the headboard. I couldn’t bear to look at him. I was so embarrassed and humiliated.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
He nodded silently. He went to the bathroom and returned with a cold cloth. He handed it to me. I wiped my cheeks, removing the warm sweat and tears that stained my face. He swirled his wrist around in the air. A clear ball the size of a grapefruit appeared in his hand, with tiny clouds swirling in the center.
“What is it?” I asked, too exhausted to take a closer look.
“This is a projection sphere. It will show you anything you desire on a larger scale. A memory, a sound, a visual … anything. All you do is hold it in your hand and think of what you would like it to project. I want you to think of something that brings you comfort,” he said, placing the smooth, cold ball in my hands. “Oh, and princess I swear, if Gaelin Atros appears naked on the ceiling, this will be the last favor I ever do for you.”
A laugh unexpectedly erupted from inside of me. The action felt odd and foreign. Erendrial smiled and nodded towards the ball.
I held it close, closing my eyes and imagining the one thing that always brought me comfort … the stars. I opened my eyes to see beautiful balls of bright light scattered around me. There were constellations and clusters of suns and planets that filled the room. I smiled, feeling like I was finally home.
“Stars, huh. I wouldn’t have guessed. Is that why you wear the pendant?” he asked, gesturing to my necklace.
“One of them,” I replied, touching the green stone in the center.
Erendrial got up from the bed and left the room. When he returned, he had a quill and paper in his hand. He sat on the bed and looked at me intensely. “Gen, I am not going to try to understand what you’ve been through, but I know for a fact that the only way you are going to truly be able to move past it is if you face the thing that haunts you out in the open. You need to admit to yourself that it happened and realize that you survived. You have two options. You can either let it continue to destroy you, as you are allowing it to do now, or you can own it and allow it to make you stronger.”
“I don’t know how,” I admitted.
“You need to tell someone. Everything. Every detail, every feeling, every memory.”
“No, absolutely not. I can’t.”
“You can and you will. He is dead. You got your revenge. Don’t let him continue to torment you from the grave. You have a chance at a new life, a new beginning. Take it, and leave the prick behind. Do you remember what I told you before I left the light court the first time?” he asked.
I shook my head, unable to think clearly .
“The greatest power comes from surviving the darkest of nights. This is your darkest night.” Erendrial handed me the piece of paper. It read:
I, Erendrial Valor Lyklor, swear never to repeat, use, write, or depict the accounts of Princess Genevieve Drezmore shared with me on this night, the second of November. If I fail to uphold this contract, I will take my own life as penance.
“You want me to tell you? Why?” I asked.
“Tonight, I am not Ambassador Lyklor, I am not Erendrial the liar or schemer, I am just a pair of ears for you to talk to. You need to do this for yourself. Once it is out there, you can begin to truly heal and move on. I promise,” he said, taking a dagger from his waist and slicing the center of his palm. He dipped the quill and signed the contract in blood. He then took my hand and sliced a shallow line in my hand. I took the quill and signed my name to the contract. He then placed his wound over mine. I inhaled in astonishment feeling my open wound acting as a suction to his blood.
“What is happening?” I asked.
“It’s the bonding taking form. My blood is now in you, tying me to the contract, and yours is now inside of me, accepting my offer.”
“Amazing,” I said. I pulled my hand back and watched while the wound began to heal.
“Now, turn around and place your back against mine,” he said, taking his shoes off .
“Why?”
“I find it is easier when you don’t have to look at the person you are telling your experiences to. Being back-to-back will provide you with the comfort of knowing someone is there, but you won’t have to look me in the eyes.”
I nodded, doing as he told me. I felt his broad back push up against mine before he exhaled, settling in.
“Now, remember every detail. Leave nothing out. You will speak of it once and then never again.”
For the next hour, I told him everything. I started with Gaelin and then worked my way to King Lysanthier. The things he did to my body. The things he used on my body. What he made me do to him. The way I felt. How sick I was after every session. How I considered giving myself to the fairies to end my suffering. I told him how I didn’t feel worthy of another’s love or desire. I saw myself as a disgusting used rag, not worth the soap it would take to clean it.
At the end of the tell-all session, I took one final inhale and let the pain of my past go. I could feel the weight leaving me. I no longer felt trapped or suffocated. It worked. It actually worked.
I pulled away from Erendrial, still hesitant to look at him after he now knew the darkest and most shameful parts of me. He slid his legs over the edge of the bed and slid his boots back onto his feet. I stood, not sure of what to say or do.
“I’m sorry you got stuck being my babysitter. I can talk to my father if it’s too much,” I said, now feeling guilty that I just wasted an hour of his night.
He stood, turning towards me. “That won’t be necessary. You are a lot of work, but not because of this. And for the record, you have every right to feel the way you do. That wasn’t just rape, princess. That was torture and mutilation. Many alfar wouldn’t have lasted through all of that.”
I dropped my head.
“I also feel that I am to blame for the torment you had to endure.”
I snapped my eyes to his. “What do you mean?”
“If I would have known the light king would have reacted in such a way to the poison we administered, I would have never allowed—"
“It’s not your fault, Eren,” I quickly interrupted, trying to abolish any guilt he may have felt. “I don’t blame you for any of it. The poison didn’t cause the king to become a rapist. That was already inside of him, hidden somewhere deep and dark.”
Eren nodded, seeming to understand my need to end the conversation. “What are you thinking?” he asked. “Whomever I end up with … how am I ever supposed to tell them this and expect him to want me after? I know emotions aren’t your thing and all, but whoever he is, I want him to be proud to be my person. I want him to accept and want me and only me completely. Who would want this?” I said, gesturing to my body .
“Whoever you end up with will be very lucky to have a strong wife or lover. They won’t care because you aren’t that situation. You’ve risen above it, and you are now free of whatever bondage it had over you. You have conquered the darkest parts of this nightmare. Your body is healed, your heart still desires love, and in time, your mind will heal as well.”
I smiled, feeling comfort in his words. I walked back over to the bed, crawling in between the sheets, ready to finally, truly sleep. “Eren, can I ask you one last favor before you leave?”
“See, needy,” he said, smiling at me. He came and sat on the edge of the bed.
“Can you … can you use your gift on me to make sure I have a good night’s rest?”
“You haven’t been sleeping well?”
“No, not since I got here, really. I have recurring nightmares of Lysanthier, or others being raped and harmed. Some of the images I’ve haven’t witnessed first hand.”
Erendrial stopped and looked at the wall next to my bed as he thought.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Nothing you need to worry about. I will take care of it, but yes, I can give you a good night’s rest. Don’t make this a habit though. I can be very addictive,” he said with a devilish smile.
I laughed, laying my head back on the pillow. “So says every woman at court. ”
“They do, huh? I think that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
I hit him on the arm, laughing at his ego. “If that’s so, you need new friends.”
He smiled, leaning in towards me. “Lie back and relax. Clear your mind.”
I closed my eyes as his hand reach out to my face. His skin was smooth and soft like velvet caressing the side of my cheek. I leaned into his touch, welcoming the comfort. Whiskey and oranges filled the air. I breathed in deep and smiled at the delicious combination.
“You will rest completely tonight,” he said. “You will not dream, you will not think, or worry. You will close your eyes and your body will relax, offering you the most refreshing night’s rest you have ever experienced.” His thumb traced my chin gently before I felt the heaviness of sleep settle upon me. He went to pull away, but I managed to grab his hand, preventing his fingers from leaving my face. I opened my eyes heavily.
“I know I say this a lot, but thank you, Erendrial Lyklor. For everything,” I whispered allowing a single tear to escape my eye.
He smiled at me softly and removed the tear with his thumb. “Sleep well, my princess. I will see you in the morning.”
I fell asleep before I could remember his hand ever leaving my face.
I woke up with a smile on my face. My body was no longer sore. My stomach no longer hurt, and my heart no longer burdened. I stretched, feeling like a new person. I was a whole new person. I was better than I had ever been. Erendrial was right. I had been given another chance at life and I wasn’t going to waste it. I may be the princess of the dark court, but I was a princess. I had power and money. So much money. I laughed as I made my way to the bathroom to bathe.
I got dressed and tied back my hair before making my way down to combat practice. I thought of Erendrial. His words, his demeanor. How gentle he had been with me last night. He could have easily exploited my trauma, but he didn’t. He helped free me from myself. He spoke about the events of my experience as if he understood. As if he had gone through something similar. He knew what to do to set me free. Had he experienced a similar situation?
I pushed the question from my mind before I made my way into the ring with Varches and Toreon. That day I fought with a clear mind. I was able to anticipate attacks and counter strikes. I was no longer just reacting. I was fighting. I was reacting like an alfar. Calm, cool, and collected.
I rushed to my room, after to shower and change. As I left my chambers, Erendrial was waiting for me on the other side of the door. He smiled with a small nod. I returned the gesture. He extended his arm to me. I took it without fear.
“How did you sleep?” he asked, eyes forward.
“Incredibly. I can understand why females think you are so addictive.”
He laughed a real laugh while he shook his head. “I don’t think that is what they are referring to, but I will let your innocent mind believe whatever it wants.”
“Where are we going? The library is the other way.”
“Since you’re so eager to go into battle, you will need something to ride—since you can’t mist yet.”
I stopped, moving in front of him. A smile stretched across my face from ear to ear. He chuckled at the sight of me.
“Ragamors? I get to learn to ride a ragamor?” I exclaimed.
“No, a horse. Yes, of course, a ragamor. What do you think we are, light alfar?”
I clapped with excitement. He took my arm and continued down the hall.
“Finally, something fun.”
“What? My lessons aren’t fun for you?”
“They are … educational.” I snickered to myself as he looked at me with an eyebrow raised.
“As I said, I don’t like teaching.”
“You’re a good teacher.”
“Well, aren’t you just full of compliments today? I like this version of Gen. And thank you.” We walked towards the exit as a lingering question ate at me.
“Eren, can I ask you a personal question? You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to. ”
“I think you’re entitled to a few personal details of my life, princess. Ask away.”
“Last night, you knew exactly what to do and say to help me through my situation. Almost as if you had personal experience with it yourself. Almost as if—” I stopped, unable to finish the sentence.
He looked around us to see if anyone was watching. He exhaled before pulling me into an empty hall. He looked at me seriously for the first time. “This stays between us,” he said, removing his hands from my arms.
“Of course.”
He dropped his eyes to the floor. He began to pick at his thumb uncomfortably. “After my parents died, I was left with nothing, less than nothing, actually. I was in a very similar situation that you were in back in The Frey. I had to steal and beg for anything I got. I knew that wasn’t the life I wanted, so I promised myself I was going to find a way out. That I would do anything to accomplish my goals and I would let nothing, and no one, stand in my way.
“When I was fourteen, I began sneaking into the castle. A high lady caught me stealing jewelry from her room. Instead of turning me in, she made me an offer. She would pay for my education, provide me with whatever I needed to succeed in life, and introduce me to the other high houses when I was ready. She would do this, if I would in return sign a contract binding myself to her physically for the rest of her life. Any time she wished to be … serviced, I would have to willingly accept and fulfill my duty. I agreed. I signed my first blood contract and in return, I made myself into who I am today.”
I chewed on the bottom of my lip nervously. “Is she still alive?” I asked. Please be dead, please be dead .
He laughed nervously, still not making eye contact. “She is alive and well and regularly serviced,” he said, looking at the nearby wall. “And please don’t ask who. I can’t tell you, even if I wanted to. Part of the contract.”
We stood in the hall for a few moments in silence. I reached out my hand to his arm. I knew he wouldn’t like pity, but I couldn’t prevent myself from trying to provide him with some comfort. I pulled him into me, wrapping my arms around his neck. He was hesitant at first, unsure of what was happening. Eventually, he wrapped his arms around my waist lightly, hugging me in return.
“Here’s to hoping the bitch dies soon.” I said, pulling away from him.
He laughed, still not bringing his eyes up from the ground. “I’ve been praying to Azeer for centuries. He must enjoy her cruelty. Come on, let’s get you on a ragamor. I can’t wait to see how you fair on one.”
“Thee of little faith,” I said playfully.
“I’m not Christian, so I have no faith, but I do have a sense of humor, and I can’t wait to see this.” We walked out of the hall, arm in arm as we headed outside into the Kingdom of Doonak.