CHAPTER 25
KATIE
“It’s almost midnight. Do you want to watch the fireworks together on TV?”
Jade looks over at me from her spot on the other side of the couch, her perfect brows drawn down in concern.
Given that I’ve been huddled under a blanket crying non-stop since I arrived rain-soaked and very much unexpected, I don’t blame her.
In the hour since, she’s fed me tea and biscuits and given hugs and soft words of comfort.
She’s been the perfect friend, only demanding answers once, listening to a summary of the shitshow I left behind, and then sitting quietly when the sobbing started and kept going.
“Sure,” I answer listlessly. Why not watch other people celebrate the end of the year and the start of a new one? It’s good that other people are enjoying this fun time of the year.
“Okay.”
We sit and watch the fireworks display over the Thames, the quiet between us broken by my shuddering breaths and my sniffles.
It’s been almost twelve hours since I fled St. Lucia, and I’m spiralling further downhill with each passing minute.
During this terrible period of time, I’ve dissected and replayed every moment since I bumped into Nathan on the street and he turned my simple world upside down, and I find I can’t make sense of any of it.
Sure, at the start, it all seemed straightforward.
We were two friends reconnecting, then we pretended to be a couple, then it became something more, something real, and then I did something idiotic and fell for him.
Leaving myself wide open for some very real heartbreak.
“So, he wasn’t with that woman?” Jade says out of nowhere, like she’s been stewing on this and can’t understand why I’m here if nothing happened between them.
Good luck with that, bestie. I can’t fully understand why I’m here myself.
“No, he said nothing happened.”
“And you believe him?” she probes.
I blow my nose. “I do. But it turns out that was just a catalyst. A way to send me into a deep emotional spiral.”
She shuffles closer and lays her head on my shoulder. “And that’s where we are now?”
I love her for including herself in my turmoil. It makes it seem like I’m less alone in my madness. “Yes. When Nathan explained what happened, and it all added up, it all made sense, I should have felt relief. Like my fears were unfounded. He wasn’t still in love with her.”
“But you didn’t? Feel relief?”
I shake my head, my eyes throbbing from crying so much. “No. I panicked instead.”
She pours me another cup of tea while I stand to pace, needing to move my body. It’s like my insides are itching to get on the outside.
“Walk me through it.”
I tug at my ponytail and turn to face her.
“It’s hard because I’m not sure I’m clear on what happened.
After I left him holding Victoria in his arms, with that drunken confession playing on repeat in my brain, I was sure he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend.
Rosie tried to convince me he’d never do that, but I was sure of what I’d witnessed.
So, while I was waiting for him to get back, worst-case scenarios flooded my mind, and I went to a dark place.
The kind of dark place I was in after Mum died. And wow, did that scare me.”
Her face creases with sympathy. “I bet it did.”
“And then he returned, and he made it all okay. He was patient and told me what I needed to hear to be okay. He told me he loved me.”
Jade’s pretty face lights up. “He did?”
I sink to the floor and hug my knees to my chest. “Yes. It was amazing.”
“But?”
“But as my heart jumped at his words, my brain kicked into gear. Like I said, I panicked. Instead of savouring the fact that this man—this perfect man—was in love with me, my brain revolted against how much power this perfect man has to hurt me.”
Jade sits down on the floor in front of me and grabs my hand. “Oh, honey.”
“Pathetic, hey? A man tells me he loves me, and I freeze. I’m so broken inside that I couldn’t say it back. I ran away instead.”
We sit in silence, Jade passing me tissues to mop up my endless stream of tears, while I shove the image of Nathan’s hurt face into the far recesses of my mind.
“Well, it’s not all bad. You didn’t react in the best way—”
I snort and she chuckles, then adds, “But you can fix it.”
My stomach clenches, and I push to standing again. “But that’s it, Jade. I’m not sure I want to fix it. This entire mess of a day confirmed to me that I’m not ready to be in a relationship. And even if I was, I’m never going to be ready to be in a relationship with him.”
“Why?” Her face is scrunched up, and she looks annoyed. Like she wants to shake me.
Fair.
“Come on, Jade,” I say, attempting and failing to scoop up a disgruntled-looking Nuke.
She’s been this way since I arrived home alone, without her favourite man in tow.
“In what world do I end up with Nathan? He’s uber-famous, richer than the King, looks like a movie star and spends ten months of the year travelling the world.
And then there’s me. Lives in a dodgy flat in Brixton, works in a lab, a complete nobody.
It’s like I’m setting myself up for heartbreak.
And if that’s the case, if we’re inevitably going to fail; why not stop it before it even begins? ”
Jade views me through narrowed eyes. “Do you know what this sounds like to me?”
“A reasonable perspective?” I hazard a guess.
“No, it sounds like someone who is making lots of excuses so she can go back into her shell and continue living half a life. This sounds like someone who has given up trying to be happy.”
Her words are like shots fired, and each one hits its desired target.
“That may be true, but it doesn’t mean I’m entirely wrong.
Even Nathan’s mum pointed out that our relationship is doomed to fail, that I’m not suitable for his world.
It’s better to end it now, before either of us gets hurt.
More hurt,” I add, noting her expression.
Her lips purse, and she tilts her head, not giving one inch. “I concede nothing. Nothing Nathan’s mum said was genuine; she wanted you out of the way from the start. By listening to her, you’re letting her win. Don’t do that to Nathan. Or yourself.”
I swallow down her disapproval and flop back on the couch, grabbing Nuke again and forcing her to stay in my arms. “Jade, please. I know you want to help, but I can’t do this.
I hear what you’re saying, but I also know how I feel.
And after how it went down today, I know I’m not ready.
I’m not ready for a relationship with Nathan. Not now and perhaps, not ever.”
She deflates, sitting down next to me and pulling me in for a side hug. “Okay, I’ll leave it for now. But you will need to speak to Nathan about how you’re feeling at some point. Sooner rather than later.”
I exhale a relieved breath, turning to face the TV and trying to shut out all her words. All her reasonable words, which have me doubting everything I thought was right. I know I’m operating from a place of fear, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be right as well.
We settle into a comfortable quiet, which is broken by a sudden loud knock on the door. In unison, we peer over our shoulders and then back at each other.
“Did you order food?” I ask somewhat hopefully. I may be heartbroken, but I could still smash a slice of pizza or two.
Jade shakes her head, a knowing grin growing on her lips. “That’s not food.” She gets up to answer the door. “That’s your sooner.”
Puzzled, I turn her words over as she opens the door, my stomach flipping, then sinking, as realisation sets in.
Nathan is here. Ruffled, damp, beautiful Nathan is at my door. And the conversation Jade advised needed to happen was about to happen. Way sooner than I expected.
“What are you doing here?” I croak, my throat dry, my poor body dehydrated from the sheer volume of tears I’ve been shedding.
His eyes lock with mine. “Can I come in? Please?”
I glance at Jade, who tilts her head in encouragement. “Um, sure?”
“I’ll leave you two to talk,” Jade says with a kind look at the man standing in front of her. “Be patient,” she adds.
His shoulders straighten, and he nods. “I will.”
My best friend blows me a kiss and mouths the words “Be brave” before she closes the door, leaving the two of us alone.
“Would you like some tea?” I offer to break the silence. And also, because I’m British. It’s impolite to have someone in your flat and not offer them a cup of tea.
Nathan’s lips twitch as Nuke jumps from my arms and winds her way through his legs, purring loudly with pleasure. The little traitor who rejected me since I got home, refusing to offer me even a glance in comfort, appears to be more than happy to show her affection to him.
“How about I make you a cup?” he offers, scooping up my cat into his arms and looking adorable. I force myself to look away; hardening my heart to the both of them.
I point to the empty cup in front of me. “I’m fine. What are you doing here? We agreed to take some space.”
He sits down on the opposite end of the couch, pining me with his serious eyes. “You decided we needed space. I don’t agree.”
I scoot closer to my edge of the couch, drawing my blanket around me like a shield. “But Nathan, nothing has changed since I left you. I still need time to figure this out. To sort through all of this.” I point to my head and blink away tears.
His expression is pained as he stares at me. “That’s where I’m struggling, Kitty Kat. Why do you need time? What do you need to figure out? If you know nothing happened with Victoria, what changed?”
My heart pinches, and I rub my palm over my chest to soothe it. “I told you. I’m scared.”
“So you ran away?” His sigh is ripe with disappointment.
“I’m taking time. I can’t concentrate when you’re around, saying all the right things and looking like that.”