CHAPTER 26
KATIE
February is, without a doubt, the most miserable month of the year.
It’s the month where all the festivities of Christmas and the celebrations of the New Year are long gone.
It’s missing the newness that comes with January and the optimism that comes with a new year.
It’s still cold, dreary and rainy all the time.
And although spring is just around the corner, it seems like it’s never going to arrive.
Besides all this miserable stuff, February also marks one month since I’ve seen or heard from Nathan. A month since I let him walk out the door after telling me I’m ‘it’ for him. A month since, as Jade declares daily, I made the biggest mistake of my life.
“Is it ever going to stop raining?” I ask Nuke from my spot by the window.
It’s Saturday afternoon, my favourite time of the weekend, when I can be found curled on the couch watching a movie, or curled up in bed reading a book, or just generally curled up somewhere like a lazy lizard.
And yet today, I don’t even have the energy to do that. Things are that grim.
Nuke doesn’t bother to glance up from where she’s licking her paws. In the weeks since Nathan left our lives, she’s grown more disdainful of me. Like she knows what I’ve done, and she’s judging me for it. Or perhaps that’s me projecting. She’s just a cat, after all.
“You’ve got mail.”
Jade’s excited voice pulls me from my musings, and my heart thumps at her words.
Turning from the bleak view outside, my corneas are assaulted by my bestie’s choice of outfit today.
She looks like a rainbow threw up on her.
I mean, she looks amazing. She always does.
It’s just that her array of yellows, oranges and pinks isn’t matching my mood.
Doesn’t she know all black is more appropriate?
“I do?” I ask, walking to her with a pep in my step.
She holds the package out between us. “It was outside your door.”
I cradle the box in my hands and draw in a shuddering breath, knowing what is inside is likely to cause another mini breakdown.
Because I know what’s likely to be inside.
Nathan, in the weeks since I sent him away, has respected my decision and the boundaries I put between us and hasn’t reached out once.
No calls or texts or smoke signals. Not a peep.
Until…the first box arrived in the mail.
“This is the third one, right?” Jade asks from the kitchen. She knows that opening the package will require a cup of tea and many biscuits.
I sit on the couch with the box in my lap, my eyes drifting over the shelf in front of me. “Yes, this is the third one.”
I wait for her to join me on the couch and, with trembling hands, I slowly open the box. “He remembered everything,” I whisper, tears stinging my eyes.
Jade moves to sit closer, peering over to stare down at the treasure in front of me. A snow globe. Another snow globe.
“What do you mean?” she asks after I sit in silence, shaking the globe and crying silent tears.
The miniature tram moves along the miniature tracks while little flakes of snow float around them. It’s perfect.
“Do you remember when Nathan first crashed into my life? And he was here, helping me with the tree…”
“Gosh, that was so dreamy,” Jade interjects with a sigh.
My heart flutters in agreement. “Yeah, it was. Anyway, when he was here, he noticed my snow globe collection, and he asked about it. And strangely, given I don’t often talk about my mum and what the collection means to me, I told him everything.
About how it started, and how I vowed to continue it, and how I failed that one small task.
It’s part of the reason I agreed to the St. Lucia fake girlfriend idea in the first place. The snow globe.”
I walk over to the shelf and pick up the sand globe we chose together that night at the market.
The perfect globe to complete the perfect day.
Even now, weeks later, I can recall the smells from the food trucks, the breeze from the ocean.
The way my skin tingled when he looked at me.
The kisses. Oh boy, do my lips remember everything about those kisses.
“Hello?” Jade waves her arms in the air. “I’ve lost you. Where did you just go?”
“St. Lucia,” I sigh, placing the sand globe carefully back on the shelf. “Where was I?”
She nibbles on a digestive, her worried gaze flickering over me. “You were telling me about Nathan and the snow globes.”
“Right.” I grab a digestive for myself and bite into it, wishing it were a chocolate bar from St. Lucia instead. “Well, we were talking about all the places my mum had marked on her bucket list and how I wanted to fulfil that wish for her.”
Tears sparkle in Jade’s eyes as she nods for me to continue. “I love that. What was at the top of the list?”
“Australia. And more specifically, I wanted to snorkel on the Great Barrier Reef.” I point to snow globe number one. “And to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge.” Snow globe number two. “And to take a tram around Melbourne city…” I trail off, pointing to the globe on the couch next her.
“Wow,” she gulps with realisation. “He remembered your bucket list.”
I plunk down hard next to her. “He did.”
When the first globe arrived a week ago, I’d been a little puzzled.
Nathan sending me a snow globe from tropical North Queensland was definitely a choice.
Especially after the weeks of silence between us.
And then when the next one arrived a few days ago, with a little Harbour Bridge and the miniature Opera House next to it, it clicked.
He’s over on the other side of the world, and he’s thinking of me.
In the most Nathan way possible, he’s showing me he still cares.
“So, what are you going to do about it?” Jade asks.
I shrug. “What can I do?”
She gets up in a huff, flinging her arms out wide, frustration written all over her. “Katie, this man has sent you the most romantic and thoughtful gifts. It’s his grand gesture, and you’re not going to do anything?”
I stand up, feeling at a disadvantage as she glares down at me.
“The globes change nothing. Nathan was always a good guy. The best guy. But can’t you see?
He’s sending me these from Australia. The other side of the world.
He travels all the time, lives a glamorous life, while I live…
here. In a tiny flat in Brixton. We’re not compatible. ”
Her braids fly around her head as she flounces around the room. “These are just excuses you’re telling yourself because you’re scared.”
“I am scared!” I yell, frustrated with the both of us.
“I’m terrified. I’d be scared to fall in love with Joe Blow down the street for fear of getting my heart broken.
But at least with Joe Blow, I’d believe there was a chance.
How can I let myself be with that man, knowing who he is, who I am, the lives we lead? I’m setting myself up for failure.”
I’ve spent four weeks stewing on this, convincing myself I’m more right about my decision every day.
“You don’t know that.”
I turn the TV on and scroll to find the Sky Sports channel.
This week is the first on the F1 calendar, and the teams are out on track testing their new cars.
And, this year, it’s taking place at the Albert Park track in Melbourne.
It’s why Nathan is already over there. And it’s a perfect example of the very different lives we lead.
“Look at that.” I point the remote at the TV screen.
Formula 1 cars are racing around the track at blistering high speeds, with the Albert Park palm trees blurring in the distance.
The sky is a brilliant shade of blue, the stands are filled with fans, and it’s such a far cry from the life I’m leading, it’s almost laughable. “That is his world.”
“You could meld your worlds, Katie. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”
I shake my head. “In the long run, one of us would have to compromise. I don’t want that for either of us.”
She runs out of puff, sitting back down with her arms crossed. “I still think you’re making excuses. That if you’d give him a chance, he’d make it work.”
The sad thing is, she’s probably right. Nathan would do anything for the people he loves. It’s the part of this that hurts the most.
“Can we stop talking about this?” My voice wavers, and I rub my throbbing temple. She’s not saying anything I haven’t whispered to myself a million times since New Year's Eve. She’s just saying it with more conviction.
“Fine,” she agrees. “For now.”
We sit in silence, watching the cars go around the track. The sounds and the repetitive motion of the cars are so hypnotic, it lulls us into a place of calm, so when Nathan’s face pops up on the screen, it’s like a jump scare.
Like, I literally jump and almost fall off the couch.
“What’s this?” I say, my hands on my cheeks. I may faint. I feel faint. Am I pale? I feel pale.
Jade’s eyes flicker between me and the TV. “Looks like they’re doing some sort of spotlight interview with your man.”
“Not my man,” I hiss, staring at the screen, longing coursing through me.
It’s been so long since I’ve seen him. My eyeballs are crying out with relief at the sight of his lake blue eyes, his wind tousled hair, his perfectly bowed lips.
In high definition, Nathan is even more beautiful than I remembered.
“Whatever. Girl, you are crazy to let that man go. He is gorgeous.”
I shush her, creeping forward on my knees until my nose is just about pressed up against the screen.
“Tell us a bit about your off-season break, Nate,” Natalie Pinkham asks Nathan with a sly smile. “There was news of a wedding in St. Lucia.”
Nathan’s expression doesn’t waver as he smiles at the F1 Sky Sports reporter. “Yes, I was lucky enough to spend some time in beautiful St. Lucia to celebrate my brother’s wedding.”
“Tell us about it.”