23. Noah
Chapter 23
Noah
M om’s house was not large but had a spacious yard that was perfect for a party.
It was a breezy summer day, but she had a fire pit if the air turned chilly and plenty of space inside to congregate.
I’d been against the gathering at first, but she’d insisted. Hosting her granddaughter’s first birthday was a privilege, she’d argued. I’d given in pretty easily after that. Even though she wouldn’t remember it, I wanted to make a huge fuss over Tess’s birthday.
It was how I’d grown up. We’d have cake for breakfast, and Mom would shower us with all our favorite things. She’d plan themed parties for our classmates on a shoestring budget, staying up late to make Ninja Turtle or Blue’s Clues decorations.
I wanted my girl to experience that kind of joy. Life was about making memories, about taking photos to reminisce over later. I wanted her to have the gifts, the excitement, the cake all over her face. Given all she’d lost, I’d work doubly hard to give her all the special moments I could.
The birthday girl was passed from family member to family member, smiling and soaking up all the attention.
Vic and my mom had come up with the theme. “Tess in One-derland” had become a massive Mad Hatter tea party.
Mom had gone overboard with streamers, garland, and twinkle lights. There was a giant outdoor chess set, where Jude and Adele were locked in a very intense game. She’d even bought Tess a frilly blue dress and a black headband.
Kids ran wild wearing giant cardboard hats while adults drank out of mismatched teacups and ate cookies decorated to look like playing cards.
My brothers were all here. Even Owen and Lila had come up from Boston. I’d barely spoken to him over the years, but it was good to see him, even if I was still getting used to the idea that he was engaged to Cole’s ex-girlfriend.
Not that Cole minded. He was happily married to Willa. That was a whole dynamic I would never understand.
Everyone who loved Tess was here, and while guilt still gnawed at my gut regarding the people who were no longer here to love her the way she deserved, I wouldn’t regret giving her this special day.
Vic approached me, bottle of water in hand. “I need to hydrate. The knitting ladies have been talking to me nonstop for twenty minutes, and I need a break.”
I turned, using my body to shield her from the crowd.
“Happy to protect you, milady,” I said with a tip of my hat.
She bit her lip and smiled at me. She’d been gracing me with that beautiful expression more and more lately. I wasn’t complaining, but the way her teeth sunk into her plush bottom lip made it difficult to maintain control of my hands and my lips.
No matter how often my brain blared the “just friends” alarm, my body wasn’t listening. All day, my eyes had been on her. The way she lit up while she chatted. How the sundress she wore swished around her knees when she walked.
Vic had been a constant presence in my life and in my mind. She’d jumped right into planning this party with my mom and genuinely enjoyed creating a special day for Tess.
I loved the way she talked with her hands when she was excited. She’d been telling me a story about putting too much hot sauce on a taco a couple of days ago, and in the process, she’d knocked over a coffee cup. The more time we spent together, the more the mask came off. She laughed and joked and yelled and gesticulated wildly. I loved every word, every sound, every movement.
Vic, the real Vic, was ballsy and hilarious. She was nothing like the silent, terrified woman I’d taken to a wedding a month ago.
“Thank you for doing all this. You are an amazing fake girlfriend.”
Angling closer, she peered around to make sure we weren’t overheard. “I’m not here as your fake girlfriend. I’m here as Tess’s number one fan and favorite person.”
With a chuckle, I arched a brow. “Oh, really?”
“Yes, card-carrying member of the fan club. Trust me, I earned it. Though others may try to best me. I’m watching your mom. She fights dirty.”
A laugh rumbled out of me. Damn. This woman was incredible. Her eyes were bright and her smile was wide. The smile I used to have to coax out of her was present more and more every day.
“You look pretty in that dress.”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t flirt.”
“Just a friendly compliment,” I replied, affecting an innocent expression. “The color brings out your eyes.”
She put one hand on her hip. “Really? Pink compliments my brown eyes?”
I winked. “I think so.”
“Watch yourself, hotshot.” She may have grumbled the phrase, but she was smiling as she walked away.
That attempt at flirting was tame, especially considering the thoughts I’d had recently.
I was getting swept up in the magic of this day. It was sunny and joyful and all about my sweet baby girl. But I had to be careful not to let myself want things I couldn’t have. Things I wasn’t cut out for. Things I didn’t deserve. Otherwise I’d end up flat on my ass and having to dig myself out of a deep hole of self-pity.
What scrambled my brain further, making it even trickier to stay the course of friendship, was seeing my brothers settling down. They’d all become so… domesticated.
Finn had been in the Navy, and he’d had his daughter Merry young, so I wasn’t surprised that he was eyeball deep in dad life and loving every minute of it. He and Adele were well matched, and their son was fast becoming Tess’s best friend. Given how fast he could run already and how good he was at scamming treats from my mom, I knew he’d be the best kind of bad influence.
But Owen? He was an uptight accountant who loved his custom-tailored suits and exotic travel. Yet he was engaged and totally smitten. Gus? The world’s grumpiest workaholic? The man was cradling his baby and cooing at her incessantly. And Cole was happily married and following his wife around like a lovesick puppy. That last fact alone made me feel like I’d found myself in an alternate universe.
While some parts of Lovewell had remained comfortingly the same in the years I’d been gone, many had changed, and they were constantly throwing me for a loop.
Though I tried to ignore the sensation, it stung, seeing how they all interacted and connected in various ways. Owen, who I’d assumed had similar feelings to mine and wanted nothing to do with this place, had bonded with Gus when he’d spent a few months here getting the family business sold. He fit in seamlessly, save for some subtle tension with Cole.
They were all so happy, working and building successful, fulfilling lives. My father had done so much damage. I’d spent much of my adulthood assuming there was no successful path out of the mess he’d created. But my brothers were proving me wrong.
The party was lively, with kids and dogs darting between the adults. My mom was in heaven, snapping photos with her six boys and all four of her grandkids.
My brothers had all grown. They had overcome.
It gave me hope that maybe Tess and I could too. Maybe we could find a place for ourselves, a fulfilling life.
With a stack of serving platters in hand, I shuffled into the kitchen, where my mom stood in front of a sink full of soapy water.
I gently hip checked her. “I’ll do it.”
She shook her head. “Just getting ahead before it’s time for cake. It turned out nicely, didn’t it?”
I put my arm around her and pulled her close. “It’s amazing. Thank you.”
Snagging a dry towel, she wiped her hands and beamed up at me. This close, I got a sense of how small and delicate she was. She’d amassed many wrinkles in the time I was gone, and her hair was now silver. The contrast between this woman and the woman who’d raised me—the larger-than-life force, raising five, sometimes six, boys and working and volunteering—was stark, but the kindness she’d always possessed was there too, shining through.
I’d kept my distance for so long, but suddenly, I couldn’t remember why. Right now, being so close to her, was healing parts of me I didn’t know had been hurt.
My dad had been an asshole extraordinaire, cheating on her with his secretary. Not only that, but impregnating the woman when Jude and I were barely more than toddlers. Unsurprisingly, he had the nerve to then leave her to raise five boys mostly on her own.
She never complained, and she never spoke ill of him. The woman was a saint who eventually welcomed Cole, my half brother and the product of my dad’s affair, into our lives as if he were one of her own.
Heart heavy, I bowed my head. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Washing dishes once more, she handed me a serving platter and looked pointedly at the towel on the counter.
Obediently, I picked up the towel and took the platter from her. “For going so far away and not staying in touch. For making you worry. For not realizing how grateful I should have been for all you’ve done for me.”
She sniffled. “You’re going to make me cry.”
“I mean it. You are spectacular. I’m sorry it took me thirty-four years to realize it.”
A rush of emotion was threatening to overtake me. I had been so damn selfish. For years, I’d mostly ignored her calls. I’d never once flown home for the holidays, always insisting I was too busy. I’d been a shitty son. And yet she was here, loving me anyway.
“Oh, Noah. I love you so much. You always were the one who needed to fly free. You had to chase your adventures and find your way.” She patted my chest. “And look at you now. Back home and the most devoted father.”
I continued to dry as she washed. “I’m barely getting by. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“No parent does, hun.” The corner of her mouth curled up. “That’s the secret. We’re all making it up as we go along. No one’s got all the answers. Now go back to the party. I’ll finish up here. It’s almost time for cake.”