Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Cole
J ude was a healthy eater, but like the rest of us, he couldn’t resist Debbie’s peanut butter cookies. They were perfect, the right blend of sweet, salty, and chewy.
Cookies seemed like the easiest way to go about inviting myself over.
I’d thought a lot about this recently. My relationships. The people in my life.
It was time to start investing in my relationships. I was talking to Dr. Gleeson twice a week by phone now, and she was pushing me to make a bigger effort to connect with my brothers.
“How did you get those?” he asked, taking the container out of my hand and shoving one into his mouth.
I waited until he closed his eyes and groaned before dropping the bomb.
“I made them.”
He paused, mouth hanging open, crumbs spilling out, and stared at me.
“Bullshit,” he mumbled.
I crossed my arms. “Debbie taught me.” I’d also practiced a lot, but he didn’t need all the details.
He looked dubious. “So you made these.”
“For you.” With a smile, I shrugged off my coat. Once I’d hung it up, I held a hand out to Ripley, Jude’s dog. She snorted and walked away, clearly not impressed.
Jude crossed his arms over a T-shirt that read: I’m not procrastinating. It’s a side quest . And glared at me.
“It’s a gesture,” I said. “I wanted to hang out with you.”
He pulled another cookie from the container and took a bite, head tilted in thought as he chewed. “These are fucking great.”
I smiled.
“But,” he said, heading for his coffee maker, “you don’t have to bring me food. Wanna cup?”
I nodded, already feeling grateful that I’d worked up the courage to come. Of all my brothers, Jude was the most approachable. He was quiet and mostly kept to himself, but he had a big heart. He was shorter than me, with thick glasses and a carefully trimmed beard. He spent his free time either hiking in the woods or playing guitar. A couple of years back, he’d bought himself this house. A cape a mile outside of town.
It was small, but super neat, with vinyl and comic book collections meticulously organized and labeled on custom built-in bookshelves.
When he slid a mug over to me, I picked it up right away and took a sip. I carried it with me to Jude’s refrigerator, where I studied the photos. Mixed in with his band’s practice schedule and a flier for RiverFest were several photos of him and Noah, including one where they were white water rafting. A dull ache throbbed in my chest. I’d never done that before, and it looked like they were having a blast together.
“How’s Noah?”
Exhaling, he took off his glasses. While he cleaned them on the hem of his T-shirt, he said nothing, but once he’d slid them back into place, he cleared his throat. “There was a big fire. Back in July.”
My heart leapt into my throat. How had I not heard about this? That was almost six months ago. “Is he okay?”
“Physically? Yes. Minor burns and smoke inhalation. He spent a couple of months doing PT for his lungs, but he’s good.”
“And mentally?”
Head lowered, he gave it a shake. “Not great. He lost a few friends. He won’t talk about it and has been avoiding me. I’m slowly dragging it out of him. But you know Noah. He’s constantly jumping from one thing to the next.”
Noah was more of a concept than a person to me. All I remembered was a boy a few years older than me who was in constant motion, always running, jumping, and disappearing into the woods. He was the risk taker, the kid who’d come home for dinner with a broken collarbone and a cool story.
Jude had always been with him, the cautious, quiet yin to his yang.
But the minute Noah graduated from high school, he was out of here. And in the fifteen years since, he’d visited here and there, but his jobs kept him busy. He worked search and rescue during the winter, and in the summer, he traveled all over the western US and Canada, fighting fires.
He lived a high-adrenaline life with no commitments and no responsibilities. He loved what he did. The guy had always seemed invincible to me, more superhero than average person.
“Can we help?”
Jude shook his head. “You know what he’s like. He’ll probably go skydiving or base jumping and get over it. I worry. Not hearing from him for a while shook me up.”
My chest tightened at the hint of emotion he couldn’t hide. “Don’t minimize your worry. He’s your brother.”
“He’s our brother.”
Though his tone was sharp, that simple correction ignited a spark in me. I’d never be in the inner circle. I’d always be the half brother. But for Jude to recognize my connection meant a lot.
“He was supposed to meet us in Vegas, wasn’t he?”
Jude shrugged. “Yes. I still don’t have an answer for why he didn’t show up. First it was a work thing and then a delayed flight. But I’m not sure I buy it.”
“Have you told Debbie about the fire?”
“Shit no. She’d fly out there and smother him, and then he’d never respond to another one of my texts. You know he needs his space.”
Jude helped himself to another cookie and held out the container. I took one, unable to resist the temptation, even though I’d had a couple before I left the house. This batch really was amazing. The first few had been overbaked, but I’d perfected the texture. I couldn’t wait to watch Willa as she tried one.
“We can make small talk, or we can get to it,” Jude finally said, scratching Ripley’s ears. “I’m cool with whatever. I’m a good listener, which basically makes me the family priest. Lay it on me.”
I laughed. That was Jude, always straightforward. In another life, maybe we would have been closer. He was only a few years older than me, but he and Noah had always had that intense twin bond, and there hadn’t been any room for me.
Even now, he was the only one of us who kept in touch with Noah.
I knew I should keep my mouth shut, keep it light, take advantage of the time I got with my brother. But so many thoughts and feelings were bubbling to the surface, making it impossible to keep them all contained.
I was falling head over heels for my wife. And it was bad. Real bad. I had one job: to be a good fake husband. That’s what Willa needed, and she more than deserved it. In the meantime, I was supposed to be sorting out my head, my career, and my goals. Right now, though, there was only one thing I wanted.
Jude sipped his coffee patiently, eyeing me over the rim, as if confident my confession would come eventually.
“I think I’m falling in love with my wife,” I finally forced out.
He quirked a brow. “Is this a problem?”
“Yes. Because it’s supposed to be platonic.”
Jude didn’t react, the stoic motherfucker, more than an almost imperceptible widening of his eyes. “Explain.”
I gave him the brief rundown—her need to go wild in Vegas, my desire to spend time with her, the wedding and the fallout with Owen, contacting her parents, all of it.
Without a word in response, he walked into the next room and ran his finger along the spines of his records. Halfway down, he pulled one out and got it set up on the turntable. Not a single move was rushed.
Eventually, melancholic music filled the room, a little folksy and a bit country.
“What is this?” I asked.
“Gordon Lightfoot,” he said as he eased onto the couch and set his mug down. With his forearms on his knees, he hunched forward. “Sit down. I need to think.”
I sat in the armchair, sipping my coffee while he closed his eyes and tapped his foot to the music.
“You won’t tell anyone, will you?” Panic gripped my heart. Why was I just now thinking of that? Dammit. Jude was a trustworthy person, but he was loyal to his brothers.
“Nope. I’m a vault.”
Relief rushed over me like a wave. “Thank you.”
“But I do have questions.” He straightened. “Is this some kind of payback scheme because Owen is with Lila?”
“No,” I protested with a huff. “It was a stupid drunken night. Then I got to know her. We live together, and I want to be with her all the time. I want to make her smile and laugh, and I want to cook for her.”
His lips tipped up a fraction. “That’s why you learned to bake cookies?”
“Kind of. You should see me. I can make all kinds of meals now. I make a killer lasagna.”
“Okay, you can cook for me anytime. But first, have you made a move? Is she into you?”
That was the million-dollar question. Was she into me? Willa was supportive and affectionate and kind. But were her feelings for me of the romantic variety? I thought so. After her reaction the other night, though, I had my doubts.
I felt it, a deep connection, a longing when she looked at me. Saw it in the way she closed her eyes when she snuggled against me on the couch. I caught her checking me out frequently during our morning workouts, and she always made it home in time for dinner and Jeopardy with me, even when she had mountains of charting to do at the office.
“I think so,” I said. “She kissed me back, and we’ve always flirted. In Vegas, that night, the connection between us was…” I sorted through the hazy memories, remembering how it felt roaming around the town with her on my arm. Her smiles and laughter. The way she made everything sparkly and perfect. “Electric.”
“Kissed you back? So you did make a move?”
I nodded once. “My timing was terrible. She shut it down, and then we had a conversation about boundaries.”
He covered his face with his hands. “Shit.”
My gut twisted. I’d thought of nothing else for the past two days. Hence my obsessive baking and why I’d shown up here to unburden myself to my brother. She’d never said she wasn’t interested or attracted to me. She kept saying we couldn’t. That we should stick to the plan.
“Okay, I’m going to lay out a disclaimer. Obviously, I support enthusiastic consent.”
“I agree.”
“With that said, it sounds to me like she’s unsure.” He pursed his lips. “The two of you already took a big risk with this marriage, and Willa is not a risk taker.”
My heart clenched with affection for her. “It’s how it all started. She wanted to be wild. She was feeling like she’d missed out during her twenties since she’d spent them all working nonstop to become a doctor. So I offered to help her cut loose.”
“And now you’re cooking and cleaning and playing house?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Pretty much. But it still feels wild. For me, at least. Depending on her, working with her, spending my days eager to see her. It feels so damn good. I know it’s dangerous—”
“It’s more than dangerous, dude. You’re not only risking a broken heart. You’re also risking your relationship with Owen.”
I sighed. I’d considered this. But the truth was that I had no real relationship with Owen. He’d always disliked me. At this point, I didn’t have much hope that would ever change.
And my feelings? Sure, it would be awful if they weren’t reciprocated. But damn if I wasn’t falling a little more in love with her every day. And the farther I fell, the more painful it was keeping it to myself.
“I don’t care,” I told him. “My main concern is that she’s the one taking the bigger risk. Her parents mean everything to her. Her job too. You should see her. She is incredible. To lose the respect of the community or disappoint her parents?” I shook my head. The idea of it made me ill. “And not to mention Lila is her best friend.”
Jude steepled his fingers and tapped them against his lips. “You really love her.”
“I think I do.” Chest aching, I buried my head in my hands. I was so fucked. “I should never have kissed her. It was selfish. There is too much at stake to give in to what I want like that.”
“Slow down, brother. She did marry you, so you have an in. I think this is a situation where you have to sit back and follow her lead. No pressure, no expectations. Be the husband she needs and bide your time.”
I nodded. That made sense. She had a lot on her plate. She didn’t need me slobbering all over her while she was up to her eyeballs in responsibilities.
He got up and paced. After a moment, he stopped in the middle of the room.
“You gotta convince her you’re worth the risk. Show her the kind of man you are, what you’re capable of.” He put his hands on his hips. “Keep up with the therapy. It’s clearly doing you good. If you’re growing and putting the party guy persona behind you, then she will see and appreciate that.”
His tone made me cringe.
“I’m not that guy anymore,” I said, keeping my voice low and my eyes downcast. “Haven’t had a drink since that night in Vegas, and I have no plans to.”
“Good for you.”
“I want to be better.” I looked up at him again. “Be worthy of her. And I want to show her that.”
He grinned at me, the expression especially effusive for my reserved brother. “You’re a Hebert. I’m pretty sure you can prove it to her.”
“You sound like Finn.” My middle brother, the prior service Navy pilot, was all confidence.
“You could learn a thing or two from him. He got his girl, and trust me, she put him through the fucking wringer.” He smiled. “She’s awesome.”
He wasn’t wrong on that count. Adele Gagnon was a force of nature, and it was clear in every interaction I’d witnessed that she made the hyper-cocky Finn work for it.
Jude walked out of the room, shouting “get your ass up. I need to move” over his shoulder.
I obeyed, cringing. What was with people forcing me outside in the cold while mid-conversation?
“Now,” he barked, heading toward the door with Ripley on his heels.
He put on his Carhartt jacket and boots, and I did the same.
“Where are we going?”
He pulled a wool hat over his head and stepped outside. “To chop wood.”
“Why?”
“Because chores gotta get done, and it helps me think,” he said, pulling the door shut behind me. “Plus, it wouldn’t kill you to chop some wood, brother. You’re descended from a proud lumberjack lineage.”
He headed down his driveway toward a large shed. He was shorter than me, yet to the rest of the world, he was considered tall. And he hiked through the snow with speed. I followed him, shaking my head. I hadn’t swung an axe in years.
Jude unlocked his shed and pulled the string hanging from the ceiling, illuminating the single bulb. Like the rest of his house, this little building was meticulously organized, with a lawnmower and snowblower lined up neatly. Peg boards on the walls held tools sorted into type, scrap wood was stacked on racks, and several chopping tools hung in a row from the largest axe to the smallest hatchet.
He opened a drawer and handed me a pair of leather work gloves. “This one,” he said, taking a large tool off the wall. “This is a small splitting maul. Should be good for you.”
Maul in hand, I followed him back outside and around the structure to where a lean-to had been built into the side.
He rolled out a few cut logs. Then he picked up his own maul. “I assume you know what to do with that?”
I nodded, lining up and swinging.
The blade hit the wood, but rather than slicing it in two, it got stuck halfway.
With a laugh, Jude took the maul from my hand and wedged it out with his boot.
“Use your knees,” he said, bending his own knees in demonstration. “And drive with your whole body.”
I nodded and tried again. This time, the log split, but not evenly. One side was way larger than the other.
“Better. Do it again.”
My next swing was better. I threw the cut pieces into the pile and grabbed another log.
While I worked slowly, Jude effortlessly and efficiently chopped half a forest a few feet away. I paused for a moment, watching each movement, trying to understand his technique.
We chopped and chopped, and with each swing, my form improved. My back ached, and I was sweating through my clothes, but it felt good.
“You’re not bad,” he said, leaning against a tree. “We could train you. Get you competition ready.”
I scoffed. “Doubtful.”
“I mean it. Gus is incredible with a chainsaw, and Finn can throw an axe with incredible aim. I can climb and have decent speed. But you? You’re fast and strong and have those crazy long arms. We could use you on the team.”
My heart skipped a beat. Team?
“You guys still compete?”
“Only once in a while. Did that thing last summer against the Gagnons. Bastards beat us, but that was to be expected, with Remy on the pro circuit now. But yeah, once in a while, we get together for town events and charity stuff.”
The wheels in my head started turning.
“Would you be interested in doing something at RiverFest next year? A competition or a showcase or something?”
“Sure. You gonna run the thing again?”
That was the big question. The mayor had already asked me to, but I hadn’t given him an answer. I wasn’t sure where I’d be then. I really wanted to get back to school in the fall, but the idea of walking away, knowing the town could really use the revenue didn’t sit well with me.
“I’m helping right now, but they’re looking for someone to take over.”
“Shame,” he said with a shake of his head. “You did a good job.”
“Thanks.”
Jude picked up his maul and headed back to the shed. Apparently that conversation was over. I neatly stacked the freshly cut wood under the roof of the lean-to so it would stay dry, then I followed.
“Keep that,” he said, gesturing to the maul in my hand. “And unlock your trunk.”
Frowning, I narrowed my eyes at him. “I don’t need it.”
Ignoring me, he jogged to the uncut log pile. He scooped a couple up, then strode to my truck.
I pulled my key fob out and hit the button to raise the liftgate.
“You need it now,” he said as he dropped them into the cargo area. “Go home, chop some firewood. You’ve got good form.”
“Like to train?”
He rolled his eyes. “No. To impress your girl. Ladies love a lumberjack.”
I barked out a laugh. I was many things, but a lumberjack was not one of them.
“I mean it. Women get feral about woodchopping. You wanna know if she’s into you? Casually chop wood and then start a fire for her.”
“That is pure caveman shit.”
Head lowered, he shook it, grinning. “Sometimes you gotta go full lumberjack to get the girl. You own any flannel?”
“Yeah.”
He gave me a nod. “You know what to do.”
With a sigh, I closed the liftgate, eyeing the logs and the splitting maul as I did. I guess I was going full lumberjack.
“You’re not gonna tell me she’s too good for me?”
He frowned, a crease forming between his brows. “Cole, you need to believe that you’re good enough for her. And I can see you’re working on it.”
When I headed over here with cookies, I couldn’t have imagined this would be where we’d end up. But I wasn’t complaining. Sharing this felt good. Jude had always been a good listener, but even so, his consideration had surprised me.
“Show her the kind of man you are,” he urged. “Hell, show yourself the kind of man you are. She may want more, and she might not. But you’re gonna come out of this a better person either way.”
My stomach twisted itself into a knot. “You seem so sure.”
“I’ve watched three of our brothers fall in love. And every single one of them had a hefty dose of personal shit to work through before getting there. You’re in it, Cole. You’re doing the work. Now it’s time to trust yourself.”
“Thank you.” I swallowed back the emotion burning at the back of my throat. “I really owe you.”
He waved me off and turned back to his house. “Go home and impress your girl.”