Chapter 3 #2
Maybe, in another universe, there’s a version of myself where I don’t hold everyone away at an arm’s length.
Where I’m not trapped between the feeling of guilt-driven despair and rage at the unfairness of it all.
Maybe in that alternate universe, I’m actually living a life of peace and happiness—where I can allow myself to fully love the man in front of me.
Out of all the men and women I’ve been with over the course of my life, Santi would definitely be the one I would’ve instantly fallen for if my past hadn’t corrupted me.
But that’s not my reality, and I’ve accepted the life handed to me.
“So,” he drawls. “What do you want from me?”
My head cocks to the side. “You know what I like, Santi.”
“Say it,” he counters, challenging me with a bigger grin. “I want to hear what you want from me tonight. You know, just so we’re both on the same page.”
My dick, already hard and waiting, twitches with anticipation.
“Get over here, you filthy, pathetic slut, drop to your knees, and choke on my cock,” I order, my voice controlled and even despite the rioting of excitement trying to flare up and warm me from the inside out. “If I have to tell you again, there’ll be consequences.”
I wish I could be softer with him. There’s an almost painful need to drop the axe in my hand and rush over to kiss him hard while I pin him up against that tree.
If I could, I’d explore every inch of his body with my mouth.
And between each kiss, or lick, or suck, I’d tell him how thankful I am he’s here in my life.
Thankfully, I don’t lend myself to impulsivity like that. It would be unfair to the both of us. I don’t have it in me to love Santi the way he wants, no needs, to be loved. My heart has long since shattered, the pieces having withered away.
Santi pushes off the tree and saunters towards me.
“Can I kneel on the body?” he asks.
I snicker. “Absolutely.”
By the time I make it back to the cabin, the sky is beginning to lighten.
It’s later than I usually return, especially before a workday.
After cleaning up our kill and dropping Santi off at his place, rather than answer to the pull of sleep, I headed to my secret spot north of Caddawalk.
There, off a dirt road, is an abandoned quarry.
The pit had been filled with water quite some time ago, and the vegetation around the rocky terrain had overgrown from lack of human interference.
It’s a peaceful place where crickets and frogs sing, and wildlife meanders around harmlessly.
It’s a safe space for my darkest thoughts.
I sat on the edge of the highest peak, letting my legs and feet dangle down the side of the sheer drop, and shifted my gaze absentmindedly from the dark water below to the sky above.
For hours I sat, testing my resolve. That little voice in the back of my head had been screaming, as it always does, for me to end this misery and join my sister.
It was loud tonight. The desire to answer that voice warred with the need to continue existing so that I can continue to send monsters like Jonathan straight to hell.
By the time I got back into my truck, I was exhausted both physically and emotionally.
With a sigh, I slam the door to my truck shut, toss the butt of my cigarette to the ground, and walk toward the porch steps. Numb to the world and tired, I don’t notice someone on the porch until I’ve reached the top step.
“Have a good night?”
I flinch, caught off guard by Wes’s presence.
That’s twice tonight that I’ve been unaware of my surroundings.
I need to do better. Just because I’ve managed to gain my freedom years ago, doesn’t mean I’ll always have it.
The need to be constantly wary is exhausting, but then again life is arduous—to expect any different would be ludicrous.
“What are you doing up so early?” I ask him, ignoring his question.
Ledger and Wes know what Santi and I get up to.
In the beginning, Wes would even come to spectate, though he never participated in the activities that followed.
That was a while ago, though. Now, Ledger and Wes just turn a blind eye to our activities.
The less they know, the better. It’s the same way I know they have their own shit they hide from me, and I’m content never knowing what that is.
The don’t ask, don’t tell policy here is pretty fucking strong.
Wes sighs as he leans his forearms on the railing of the porch and looks out into the backyard.
“Up early? No, I never went to sleep. I’ve been standing here just pondering my sanity while I waited to speak to you,” he admits after a moment.
I frown. “You waited up to talk? It couldn’t have waited until breakfast?”
“I was afraid that—” Wes pauses as he lets out another sigh. “I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to ask for help in the light of day.”
My exhaustion falls away as I give him my full attention.
Wes and I don’t have much in common. He’s more than a decade older than I am, comes from a very different walk of life, and he strives to live in, and enjoy, every waking moment.
Despite that, I like Wes a lot. Not only does he wake up every day, willing to fight his demons—unlike me who can’t push their insidious whispers away—but he’s dedicated his life to being better than he once was.
Wes listens when you speak, and is always there to lend a helping hand.
If he needs me for something, it’s serious.
“What’s going on?” I ask when he doesn’t continue right away.
There’s another short pause before Wes replies.
“We’re… we’re going to have a house guest for a while,” he starts, his voice so low that I have to take a step toward him to hear. “It’s Ledger’s godchild.”
“His godchild?” I repeat, scowling. “We’re going to have a kid running around here?”
Wes chuckles but the sound isn’t one of amusement. There’s an edge of frustration to it that’s out of character for him.
“No, Blair’s not a child. I don’t think she’s much younger than you, actually. If she is, it’s only by a few years.”
The thought of a new housemate makes my stomach clench with anxiety.
While I work with a handful of people every day, it’s easy to keep to myself since I’m the Head Mechanic.
But living with someone else? It’s hard not to get to know someone after a while under those circumstances.
I don’t need, or want, to get close to anyone else.
“How long is she staying?” I ask him.
Wes shrugs. “I don’t know.”
“When is she supposed to get here?”
“I don’t know,” he repeats.
I scowl, not sure what to do with this information. The expression goes unnoticed as Wes lets out a grunt then straightens. When he turns, there’s a grimness on his face that I rarely ever see.
“I promised Ledger that while she’s here I’d help make sure she was looked after.” He gives me a tight lipped smile. “I don’t suspect that there will be much of an issue with her around, but if you don’t mind keeping an eye on her too, I would appreciate it.”
“You want me to help… babysit?” I can’t have heard him correctly.
Wes tilts his head left, then right as he considers my question, or maybe his answer.
“No, not babysit. Ledger is just a little peculiar when it comes to his godchild. I’m more concerned that he’ll suffocate her. If you see she needs some space, can I trust you’ll help her find some?”
Oh. If anyone can understand needing boundaries, it’s me. It’s an easy enough request so I give him a curt nod.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Good. Thanks, Rhett,” Wes says. This time when he sighs, the tension in his body seems to disappear. “I’ll ask the same of Santi when he gets here in a few hours.”
“That it?” I ask him. “If so, I’m going to try to get some sleep before we have to get up.”
Wes nods. “Yeah, that’s it.”
I turn and head for the back door but pause just before reaching out to grab the doorknob. Turning around, I look back at Wes who’s turned his attention outward again.
“What’s with the sudden visit?”
Wes doesn’t look back at me when he answers. “I don’t know all the details. Just that she needs to lay low for a bit.”
My hands curl into fists at my side as worry creeps into my veins. “Boyfriend troubles or something?”
“Or something,” Wes mutters.
“There aren’t any—” I swallow hard before spitting out “—authorities or anyone like that after her?”
“Like I said, I don’t know all the details.”
Fuck. I don’t need any type of trouble coming around here.
Living my life with my head down and sticking to my own business has gotten me pretty damn far.
Having someone come into my life like a hurricane with trouble on their heels, messing up the good thing I got going here is not going to work.
Certainly Ledger and Wes understand this, right?
Given how Ledger found me and I came to be a part of this…
whatever this is that I have with them, they both know it’s imperative to keep me off anyone’s radar.
We can’t have the authorities snooping around here.
In case he’s forgotten, I warn, “Wes, you know I can’t risk too much attention on me.”
“I know, Rhett,” Wes answers, his voice quiet and soft. He looks at me over his shoulder. “You may not like it much, or even care, but I consider you family. I won’t let anyone, or anything, touch you.”
It’s the sincerity in his voice that eases the trepidation gathering in my veins. I don’t like that we’re going to have company for an indefinite amount of time. I do, however, appreciate that Wes has my back.