Chapter 29 #2
I take it and bring the hot mug to my chest. Staring down into the contents I find marshmallows covered in whip cream, a drizzle of caramel and… sprinkles?
“I’ll get the bed set up for us.”
She comes around to the other side and pulls down the blanket and sheets, then fluffs both pillows. When she returns to stand in front of me, she says, “Take a few sips for me, Rhett.”
Automatically, I do as I’m told. The warmth of the drink feels amazing.
I can feel it working it’s magic to loosen up the remaining tightness in my muscles and soul.
Another sting of tears surges forward and, just like in the shower, they fall.
I don’t try to stop them. It’s cathartic in a way I never expected.
The tears cease before I’m finished with the hot chocolate.
When the drink is gone, I’m almost disappointed.
I don’t indulge in sweets like Santi does but tonight, I enjoy it.
Maybe Wes is onto something.
Blair takes the empty mug from my hand and places it on the nightstand.
“Lie back,” she orders.
With a long sigh, I turn and lie down. I’m immediately hit with a disapproving hum from the woman still standing beside the bed.
“Move over, Rhett. This is my side. I’ll help you but I’m not conceding on this.”
I don’t know why but her possessive tone and simple demand makes me smile. I didn’t believe it was possible to smile after a night like this.
I scoot across her bed to the other side slowly. Blair climbs into the bed once I’ve settled and she throws the covers over us both.
“Light on or off?” she asks.
“On—no, off.”
The room goes dark. I tense, feeling like I’m back on the edge of that cliff once more.
But then Blair’s arm comes around me and she snuggles up against my back.
She’s not quite relaxed. I can feel the stiffness in her body, but she’s trying to be comforting and I appreciate it more than she could possibly know.
“Okay,” she murmurs against the back of my neck. “Want to tell me what this was all about?”
No. I really don’t. All I want to do is go to sleep. My eyelids feel heavy, but as I close them ready to push her out, my heart shudders. It has something to say. With a heavy sigh, I give into its desire to be heard.
“Santi was right when he brought up… my sister,” I admit. It’s easier to talk with my eyes squeezed shut so I keep them closed as I add a few beats later, “I’ve turned into a monster. She’d be scared of me now.”
Blair hums. “Your sister… her name was Abby, right?”
“It was Abigail but everyone called her Abby.” I swallow hard.
“Will you tell me about her?”
No. Yes. No…
“Abby was my best friend.” I shudder. If she knew me now, she wouldn’t consider me her best friend.
“There was a six-year age gap between us but she wasn’t the typical annoying little sister.
She was fearless, always ready for an adventure.
She had this infectious laugh that would get everyone around her to laugh too.
It was like this stupid snorting sound that was so goofy…
” My voice trails off as I hear it in the back of my mind.
The sound causes my heart to shudder in pain, but a smile pulls at my mouth.
“She put me on a pedestal. To her, I was a cool older brother. It was a title I took seriously.”
My throat squeezes shut. A tremor rushes through me. My knee-jerk reaction is to stop talking, and thinking, about Abby. But my mouth seems to have a mind of its own.
“One night, I was invited to a party way across town but my parents forced me to stay home to watch Abby while they went out to celebrate their wedding anniversary.” My voice drops to a whisper and my eyes flutter open.
I stare at the wall for a long time in silence. Even now, after all these years, I can still see the flashing of red and blue lights from the police cars and ambulance parked outside on the street.
“I went anyway, leaving Abby behind. I promised I’d only be gone an hour.
” I shake my head in denial. With a shaky breath, I confess, “In her final moments alive, as three men who had broken into the house and had their way with her, I know her thoughts were on me. She was probably wondering where I was and why I wasn’t swooping in to save her. ”
Blair’s arm tightens around me as a sob slips past my lips and the tears start falling again.
The pillow beneath my head grows damp. Minutes pass in silence.
Blair doesn’t push for more, she simply lays there, breathing steadily.
I focus on the rise and fall of her chest that’s pressed against my back and I mimic her breathing. After a bit, the tears stop.
“After that everything changed. I lost my favorite person because I was selfish and wanted to party. My parents lost a daughter and they had a failure as a son. They blamed me for what happened and they were right to. If I had been there, nothing bad would’ve happened to Abby.
One of the worst parts of it all was that my parents didn’t even tell me when her funeral was.
I didn’t even get to say goodbye. After that, their marriage fell apart and they acted like I didn’t exist. I…
I spiraled. The guilt ate at me until I snapped.
I went after all three men—the police knew who they were, they just couldn’t find them. But I did and I killed them.”
My tongue darts out to lick at my dry lips. I don’t regret killing them. In fact, the killing was the least awful part about those wretched months.
“I was caught almost immediately. Someone had seen and reported a guy walking around covered in blood. I was sentenced to thirteen years in federal prison and I did eight of those years. But I was going crazy behind bars. It was like those kills had woken something in me. I wanted to do it again, and again, until there were no more monsters in the world that could hurt little girls like Abby. So I escaped and started killing again.”
I pause to rub my face against the pillow, using it to wipe away my tears.
“Ledger found me on the rooftop after one of his contracted jobs and brought me to Gnarly Pines,” I continue after a bit.
“He gave me a roof over my head, a job, and all that he asked in return was that I just stuck around. He didn’t ask much of me and didn’t care Santi and I kill people.
It’s the perfect set-up here. I was so grateful for that.
But over the past four years that I’ve been here, I became paranoid.
I couldn’t go back to prison because I had to keep killing.
It’s why I’ve been so against having you around.
You could bring all sorts of trouble, including the police, right to my doorstep.
I’ve been so scared I’d be caught and dragged back behind bars.
But now… I think I’ve been doing this all wrong. ”
I stop talking, gathering my breath as I mull over all of the blurry, incomplete thoughts I’ve been having over the course of the past few days.
“What have you been doing wrong, Rhett?” Blair asks after a long silence.
Everything, I want to blurt out. Instead, I give her question some consideration.
“I thought the killing was a way to atone for failing Abby and that I was saving others like her. It never crossed my mind that, with each kill, I was erasing the brother that she knew.” I grimace.
“Abby would be horrified by the walking corpse that I’ve become.
I… I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing anymore.
I’m tired of hurting the people around me but I don’t know how to be anything different than this. ”
Voicing my shameful confession feels like I’ve crawled out from beneath a boulder that’s been crushing me for years.
The pain of its presence lingers but now I have room for my lungs to expand.
When I suck in a breath, it’s deep and fulfilling.
I drag in Blair’s scent; it’s something sweet like…
oranges? An orange creamsicle maybe? It’s soothing without being overbearing.
Her scent is in the pillow I clutch to my face, in the sheets that cover me, and wafting from her skin. I’m surrounded by all things Blair.
Another stretch of time goes by without either of us saying a word. Inwardly, I’m marveling at how good it feels to get this all off my chest. I haven’t spoken this much in general in a long time. Even around Santi. And definitely not about Abby.
Blair’s gentle breath hits the center of my back as she finally lets out a soft sigh.
“For what it’s worth,” she starts slowly. “I think, as someone who’s been in Abby’s shoes, that what you’re doing is both noble and necessary. I think she would still see you as a hero in that regard.”
It takes a moment for her words to process, but when they do, I stiffen and my empty stomach revolts. I start to roll over but Blair’s hold around me tightens—preventing me from turning to look at her.
“Shh, this isn’t about me,” she corrects sharply. “It’s about you.”
“But—”
“Listen to me.” She cuts me off. “It sounds like you’ve been ignoring an open wound and because of that, you’ve caught an infection and have gotten sick. It almost took your life tonight because you haven’t been tending to it. But that can change.”
I frown at the strange analogy.
Blair continues, her words softening as her hold loosens around me now that she knows I won’t turn around.
“You made a mistake, but you were a kid, Rhett. I’m so sorry all that happened but you’ve shouldered too much of this blame for too long.
You’ve made yourself sick with bitterness from it.
That’s what was wrong, it’s not the killing.
Your Abby wouldn’t like to see how riddled you are with self-hatred. ”
A shiver walks down my spine. I don’t want to believe there’s any part of me that Abby wouldn’t like.
“Abby might not be here anymore,” Blair hedges.
“But parts of her are. You have to live in order for her memory to go on. That means loving, laughing, failing, and succeeding. If you kill yourself, who else will share stories about how wonderful Abby was? Hell, you and Santi might even get to have kids some day so you can pass those stories on.”
A snort slips past my lips and my body shakes as a chuckle makes its way through me.
“Kids? Plural?”
“Okay, maybe just start with one,” she concedes. “I hear they’re kind of a lot of work.”
Again, I find myself chuckling. “Santi would probably love that.”
“Yeah, he probably would,” Blair agrees. I can hear the smile in her voice. “Especially if he’s raising one with you.”
I think about Santi and his even temper and bright smiles. My amusement dims as I take a deep breath.
“I hurt him,” I tell her.
“Yup, I was there,” she confirms with a yawn. “But he forgives you, you have to know that.”
I hum in confirmation as my eyelids lower.
“I…” Blair hesitates for a second. “I know adding me in the mix complicated a lot between you two. I should’ve done better with sharing Santi and I’m sorry that I’ve been in the way.”
I snort with derision. “The only person who’s been in the way when it comes to me and Santi is me.”
Blair says nothing to this. I’m not sure if she agrees or not, but it’s the truth. Yeah, I can admit now that a part of me has been jealous, but ultimately, I’ve been the one keeping him at a distance. I can’t blame Blair for that.
“You know Santi loves you, Rhett, right?”
I swallow hard as my eyes close. On a soft whisper, I admit, “Yeah… and that scares me.”
“What should scare you is that by killing yourself, you’d be putting Santi in your shoes: having lost someone and having been unable to help them in their time of need.”
The absolute agony of that truth causes my own body to flinch hard. Blair holds me closer and I swear I feel the brush of her lips between my shoulder blades.
“You lost someone you loved,” Blair continues, her voice so soft I have to strain to listen.
“But you’ve gained three people to love in her absence.
I know Ledger, Wes, and Santi aren’t Abby but I think they’re pretty great.
Why not spend the energy loving them in return and proving that one mistake doesn’t define you?
I think the hardest part about living is loving.
I’ve only had my dad most of my life, but now I’ve got you guys and I can’t imagine losing any of you. ”
Some of the pain lessens as I listen to her speak.
I suck in a shaky breath and mull everything over.
She’s not wrong. In fact, she’s painting a picture so clear that I can’t believe I haven’t noticed it until now.
I’ve been given a second chance at having a family and tonight, I almost squandered it.
I let out a huff of disbelief. Another follows as I come to another realization.
Blair is just as much a part of this family as the others and I’ve been taking her for granted too. She’s one more person who’s come in and accepted that I’m flawed, yet doesn’t loathe or push me away. Blair might keep her distance but I can’t blame her when I’ve practically shoved her away.
But there’s no space between us now and I’m so fucking grateful for that.
I’ve never been so appreciative for someone as I am at this moment.
Blair’s dealing with the ugly and rather than making me feel ashamed, I feel understood.
Listened to. I want to roll over and hold her.
I want to squeeze Blair against me and bury my face into her neck.
If this isn’t Blair’s love, I wonder what it would feel like to be on the receiving end of it.
With Santi, his love feels like sunshine and rainbows—a reminder that not everything is doom and gloom. Wes’s love feels like laying in a canoe on a still pond—peaceful and steady. Ledger’s love is more subtle—a house to retreat to, to protect me from the world when it feels like it’s caving in.
Right here, in the darkness, I’m understanding why Santi is head over heels for Blair.
I don’t know what she does for him specifically but I can feel a shift inside of me, a weight anchoring me to this world and to her.
It’s not in a way that feels stifling and crushing, but rather grounding and has a calming effect.
Exhaustion tugs at my eyelids and slows down my thoughts until they feel like they’re coming in slow motion. My eyes close and I suck in a long, deep breath. As I begin to drift off I make a promise to be the brother Abby loved, starting tomorrow.