Chapter 7 #2
The fact she had paid attention to my career surprised me.
“She was my greatest support. After her diagnosis, I couldn’t concentrate.
I had a couple minor falls then fell in the ranks.
Dad was trying to work, but he needed help.
The medical costs ate us alive. The bills went through my parents’ savings in a few months.
They stood a chance of losing the house, the land, all of it.
Your dad was chomping at the bit.” When she remained quiet, I shook my head.
“I’m sorry. I should keep my damn mouth shut. ”
“Don’t worry, Axe. I know exactly how my father is. Crass and unsupportive. I’m glad you didn’t sell.”
“Yeah, me too. We all pitched in keeping an eye on her and supporting the family. She’s fine. She’s in complete remission. She took up yoga of all things.”
She smiled and looked away. “You guys were always so close as a family. I was jealous. And I can see your mom doing that. I’m glad she’s better.”
“Family means a lot.” I nodded several times. “You find out how much you’ve leaned on them when things happen.”
“Yeah, sometimes.”
“You don’t talk to Wade?”
“Not much any longer. He runs the ranch and we just have nothing in common, not that we ever did. I’m still the little sister, remember.
I think he blames me for leaving and not helping Daddy with the ranch like he was forced to do.
” Her smile was brighter than before, capable of lighting up her entire face. “How’s your sister?”
“Kimberly is happily married to a very nice man. She had one kid and runs a bake shop in town.”
“Oh, yeah? That’s great. Does she keep you in line?”
“Ha.” I choked on purpose. “She used to be the one to chastise me even before my parents when I’d get into trouble.”
“If I remember correctly, that occurred several times over the years. Both you and Wade seemed to drive your teachers crazy. Which was why I was given a hard time when I got to high school. And I was a little angel.”
I spit out a portion of my drink. “You were no angel, Miss Palomino Girl. You simply managed to wrap the male teachers around your little finger.”
“Moi?” I’d be damned if she didn’t bat her long eyelashes. “At least I was a straight-A student. What’s your excuse? You were a terrible person.”
My shrug was nonchalant. “Ha! Boys will be boys. Besides, Wade was often the instigator.” Which wasn’t true. I’d gotten him into all kinds of dangerous, illegal, and otherwise immoral situations over the years. But I’d never admit it.
“Somehow, I don’t think he minded.” She glanced away, but not before I could see a faraway look in her eyes. “You know, I haven’t really talked to him in a couple years. How is he?”
Now it was my turn to laugh. “Like I mentioned, I honestly don’t know. Like you, we haven’t talked in… hell, I can’t remember the last time. No real reason other than I’ve been busy.”
The lie was easier than the truth.
“Busy. I get it. Weeks go by. Months. Then years.”
Yeah. Years.
There was a moment of silence between us as the drizzle lessened, a light fog now rising from the valley. Soon, the mountains would be obscured.
“Do you ever get lonely living here by yourself?”
“Not really. The quiet suits me. The mountains. The fresh air. Nature. Bears.”
She cocked her head and the action caught my eye. “You can’t scare me away with bears, Stephen.”
“Axe.”
“Stephen.” She laughed and the sound sent a wave of energy through me that curled the tips of my fingers.
“So confession time. What are you doing here? Home to rethink your life? From what you’ve told me I’m surprised you set foot back in Missoula.”
“My choices were to either come back home or move into an apartment with money that I don’t really have.”
“You, Miss Big Shot Attorney?” The routine of teasing her was an easy and comfortable role to fall back into.
“Ha! While I won a scholarship, it was only for the first two years of college. Not law school. My student loans could eat me alive.”
“Wait. Your parents didn’t pay for college?”
“My father offered to pay for Missoula College or University of Montana. When I said Columbia, he told me that I’d need to pay for it myself, so I found a way. He didn’t think I’d last, crawling back to him.”
“God, what an asshole.” I hadn’t realized I’d fisted my hand until I noticed her look of amusement. “Sorry about that.”
“Don’t be sorry. I’ve felt the same way many times. Dad needs me for something. I don’t know if I’m curious or just at a crossroads in my life.” She rolled her eyes. “You know how he always had a better idea.”
“Yeah, he did and I’d watch yourself.” He’d struggled significantly over the years as so many ranchers had.
Times were tough for everyone. The horrible weather patterns hadn’t helped over the years, horrific fires claiming thousands of acres.
But Bartholomew Sterling wasn’t known for his reputable business practices.
“I can’t imagine what it’s like for your parents to have three children as smokejumpers. I do remember seeing Will on the news when I was here one summer. Didn’t he win an award or something? He saved the lives of several people?”
With little communication with her family, there was no way for her to know about the tragedy that had occurred. There was also no reason that her asking a simple question should cause me to bristle.
But I did and I couldn’t seem to stop the wave of anger and sadness, despair so intense that for a few seconds, I was right back where I’d been weeks before.
She noticed a change in my demeanor, moving to the edge of the swing.
“What?” she pressed.
“Nothing.”
“No, I can tell when you’re holding something back. Did something happen I’m not aware of?”
The hard clench of my jaw created an ache. “Leave it alone, Kenz.”
She started to climb off the swing, her eyes darting back and forth. “Stephen. Talk to me. Please.”
“I said, let it go,” I growled. “And my name is Axe.”
I stormed toward the door, unable to talk about what had happened, the swell of emotions unwanted and unneeded. Why had she dared bring up my family? Goddamn it.
“What is wrong? Are you feeling like you’re in your brother’s shadow or something? Did I hit a nerve?”
I threw open the door, completely determined to shut her out. The pain was that significant. That horrible. That…
Something snapped inside of me.
I’d been holding in my emotions for weeks.
Not one tear. Just rage that I’d thought I had control over.
Until now, not taking one single fucking day off.
Not until I’d been forced to do so. What had I been required to deal with?
Her. Fucking her of all people and now she had the nerve to question me as if this was some kind of game or something? I was angry. Livid.
But I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. Fighting the guilt and rage. Fighting the hatred I felt deep inside, the emotion burning into my soul with every breath I gasped, every step I took.
“Yeah, Kenzie. You hit a nerve. But not the one you’re thinking. Smokejumping is very dangerous and do you want to know just how dangerous it is?”
“How?” she whispered as she climbed off the swing.
I threw my head back, staring at the porch ceiling.
“Because Will is dead, Kenzie. My brother died in my arms and because I know you’re going to ask, I’ll go ahead and admit the ugly truth, which I’ve had difficulty admitting to myself.
His death was my fault. It’s my fault my brother is buried six feet under, so yeah, you were right all those years ago.
Not only am I a terrible person, I’m also a killer. ”