Chapter 8
Axel
I stepped out onto the porch with my heart pounding in my chest. That fucking hug she gave me made all the feelings I felt for her in our college days come flooding back full force. I know that to her it was a hug of friendship and gratitude. It should not have affected me the way it did.
At one time Tracey was my everything. That hug made me realize that in the last seven years, I’ve never seriously moved on from loving her.
It’s why I threw myself into the military, why I never had a long-term commitment with a woman when my military brothers were falling from the bachelor ranks one by one.
Still being subconsciously hung up on her is the reason I preferred hookups with club girls rather than trying for a real relationship.
It’s all so fucking crystal clear in my mind now.
Tracey is also a woman caught between a rock and a hard place and still married to my former best friend.
Taking advantage of the situation would make me a worse asshole than Bryce ever thought about being.
Right now she needs a safe place for her and her girls, she doesn’t need another man wanting something from her.
I’m her only true friend right now and as much as it sucks, I will not betray that trust.
So, I walked it off, talked to the prospects, and washed my bike before going back inside.
When I came into the house, the girls were kneeling down with the door cracked open to my storage space under the stairs. It was the place where I put paint cans, winter boots, and other random things. I hadn’t even thought of that space for months, much less looked in there.
I heard the hinge groan when Jill pulled it the rest of the way open. Jenna startled, and they both laughed and crawled closer to see what was inside. They peered into the sloped space with the kind of wide eyed curiosity that only children have.
I went and knelt down beside them. “What did you ladies find? Something interesting?”
Jenna waved her cast around excitedly, “It’s a playhouse.”
Jill added, “It’s small, like us.”
I bent down to peer inside. Although it took me a second, I looked at the small space with new eyes. I could see it was almost big enough to serve as a tiny playhouse. Jumping on board I told them, “I’ll bet we could turn this into a cozy little playhouse for you two, with a little work.”
Leaning in, I grabbed all the paint cans and tugged the boots out. They could go in the garage.
Me and Tracey got to work cleaning out the rest of the junk and sweeping the floor. By the time we’d finished it actually looked a little bit bigger. I measured the depth, the height, and the width near the back.
“So, are you really going to convert this area into a space for the girls?” she asked.
I shrugged, “Why not? They seem to like that idea and I’ve decided to hang close to the house until I’m sure the three of you aren’t in any danger.”
I didn’t tell her it would be a good distraction from obsessing about the one woman who was totally off limits to me.
She moved closer. “What can we do to help?”
I ran my fingers through my hair and thought about it for a minute.
I needed her to stop getting closer to me because my control was hanging by a thread after that hug.
My mind filled with images of having her soft body pressing against mine again and what kind of life we might build together if only she wanted me back.
Shoving those thoughts roughly aside, I cleared my throat. “I know you’re probably sick and tired of shopping, but maybe you could go online and pick out paint and furnishings. Use my card to make the place cute. Perhaps even find images of the style you want.”
“Oh wow, we’ve never done anything like this before.”
“It ain’t hard. Just pick out a couple of kid recliners and a table or whatever kids like. Meanwhile, I’ll just be here putting up sheetrock and getting ready to lay flooring.”
She gave me a warm look and disappeared with the girls upstairs.
***
It took me the better part of three days, but by the time I was finished with that tiny space it had that brand-new house smell about it, with a fresh coat of primer on all the walls and ceiling.
Working in the area was a tight squeeze for my body, so I had to bump the back out about three feet, stealing space from the utility closet that had housed my hot water tank before I went with a tankless unit.
As I was finishing up the girls came creeping around, their curiosity clearly getting the better of them.
I opened a can of the pink paint their mom picked out and poured it into a paint tray.
I picked up a tiny detailing roller, rolled it into the paint, and held it out for whichever one was brave enough to take it.
“You roll it on the wall to make it turn pink.”
Of course it was Jenna who jumped at the opportunity to paint. She was the bolder of the two after all. Jill watched with wide eyes as her sister used her one good arm to smooth the paint roller carefully across the wall, leaving behind trails of pretty pink paint.
I picked another mini roller from the package and loaded it with paint before holding it out to Jill.
She scrambled to her feet super quick and took the roller with a happy smile.
Jesus, it took so little to make little kids happy.
I loaded a roller for myself and got started on the adjacent wall.
We made quick work of painting. The girls were territorial about painting their wall, insisting I lift them each in turn to reach the high part.
I turned to put Jill down and noticed Tracey kneeling in the small doorway.
I shot her a teasing grin, “How long have you been spying on us while we work?”
“Long enough to know I picked the wrong man,” she stated bluntly.
My heart nearly stopped in my chest. I quickly glanced over at the girls, but they were busy looking through the wall clings of cartoon characters and didn’t catch what their mother just said.
I started packing up the paint supplies, eager to be out of the tight space and away from the feelings that one sentence provoked in my chest.
Tracey must have seen the panic-stricken edge to my expression, so she added, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make things awkward. The only good thing that came from being married to Bryce was my daughters. I wouldn’t trade them for the world.”
Understanding clicked into place in my mind, and I was able to breathe freely again. “I get that it’s been hard for you. With any luck, this will all be over soon and you can rebuild your life into something that makes you happy.”
She backed away from the door slightly, calling to her girls, “Jenna, Jill, it’s time for some fresh air. Let’s go outside.” Glancing at me, she added, “I think we should let the paint fumes dissipate a little.”
My mind started coming up with possible ideas for ventilating the area as I mumbled, “Good idea.”
Within minutes I was sitting all alone in the small playroom. I grabbed a roller and used the last bit of paint to touch up the wall the girls painted, thinking about what just happened. I carefully trimmed out edges of the walls, my mind never straying far from Tracey and her girls.
***
Later, after we’d had dinner and put the girls to bed, Tracey and I started unpacking the packages the prospects dropped off.
We started with the groceries. There was something domestic about the whole scene and I glanced over at Tracey.
She had a soft smile on her face, and I could have sworn she was feeling the same thing as me.
We stood there for a few seconds just looking at each other. But the moment was interrupted when my phone buzzed in my back pocket.
I took a deep breath, pulled it out and checked my texts. “It’s Bryce,” I told her, scanning through what he’d sent.
Bryce: You always wanted Tracey. Don’t think I’m giving up that easily.
Bryce: You’ve been waiting for this. What lies have you been telling her?
Bryce: She’s going to get tired of you. She needs a real man. Not biker trash.
My grip on the phone tightened as I looked through the other messages. He went on about how he was the better man, how he and Tracey were only hitting a rough patch, and how they were meant to be together. I kept reading long after I should have stopped.
“I hope he’s not being too nasty,” Tracey said apologetically.
I shot her a weary grin. “He’s being a fucking asshole and he’s pissing me off.”
“Let me see?” she asked.
“You don’t need to see this, sweetness,” I said. Partly because I didn’t want her to get upset on my behalf about what he was saying. But also because some of what he was saying was too close to the bone. I did want her. I always had wanted her. And compared to him I was just biker trash.
I tried to shove that out of my mind. I wasn’t trash. I was a self-made man, but even if I wasn’t I had principles.
Another text buzzed in. This time he dug into our college days, bragging that I was always jealous of him because the hottest girl in school picked him over me.
My gut twisted. Back then, I thought we were joking around. Turns out, he’d been dead serious the whole time.
Then came the message that froze me in place. He rambled about paying some frat girl with a reputation for sleeping around. He claimed he gave her money to tell Tracey to back off, that she and I were sleeping together.
He said we were both as dumb and gullible as each other. Then in the very next breath, he claimed I wouldn’t stand a chance if he decided he wanted her back.
Tracey stepped forward, her voice worried. “What is it?”
I looked up and forced myself to ask the tough questions. “Back in college, was there ever a girl who told you I was with her?”
She sucked in a deep breath. “Yeah, it was before Bryce and I got serious. To be honest back then I wasn’t really looking at him I was…
” she paused. “Anyway, she came at me out of nowhere. She seemed jealous and told me to stay away from you. In fact, she yelled at me for about ten minutes before storming off. I remember thinking she was a bit unhinged.”
“Bryce fucking paid her to lie to you,” I said. “He just admitted to the whole damn thing via text. He thought you were into me back then and wanted you for himself.”
Tracey didn’t speak right away. Her face shifted through a multitude of expressions, including shock, regret and anger.
“I believed her,” she told me solemnly. “I thought I was misreading situation with you. That you were only interested in a friendship, and I imagined an elaborate fantasy where you were interested in me. The girl was all kinds of convincing. And then Bryce was there to pick up the pieces when I spiraled. He acted sympathetic, and told me that it was better I found out about it now than later.”
“Is all that true?” I asked, hardly able to control my rising emotions.
“Yes. You were the one I wanted all along,” she whispered.
“I thought of Bryce as my friend and you as a friend who could be something more. I even thought I had a chance with you... right up until that girl approached and told me to back off. She was beautiful and confident, I could see why you might prefer her over me and it hurt.”
I stated vehemently, “I was serious, Tracey. I worshiped you and our friendship was too important to me to risk without being sure you felt the same way. I thought you wanted someone like Bryce. Back then he had everything.”
“Bryce has always been manipulative,” she said in a shaky voice. “I didn’t realize he wasn’t the person he pretended to be until we were married and living in LA.”
I swallowed thickly. “I hope you’re not suggesting that he’s been physically abusing you this whole time.”
She shook her head. “No. He cheated on me the first time when I was pregnant with the girls. I never got over the fact that I gave him a chance and he blew up our marriage for sex with his PA. I refused to have sex with him after that, and I guess he took that as a license to sleep with whoever he wanted.”
“Bryce is a fucking asshole for cheating on you.”
“I never forgot you. As the years wore on, I kept wondering if you ever thought about me, if you even remembered me at all.”
“I’ve thought about you over the years, even as I moved on with my life. When you picked him, I decided that I wasn’t gonna chase someone who didn’t want me.”
“And now we’re miles apart. Maybe too far to find our way back to each other,” she murmured.
Clearing my throat, I leashed my emotions. “You’ve got a lot on your plate right now. You should focus on your girls and getting that divorce finalized.”
I felt like shit shutting the door to a possible relationship. Talking about getting together while she was still married and needed me to leave her alone long enough for her to get her life in order and decide what she really wanted for herself. It was hard to walk away but I made myself do it.