Chapter Nineteen
Belle
I never wore slacks in my life, unlike the women in our northern communities. When it got cold they could wear pants under their dress as long as their husband gave their approval. It was because it got cold up there and many lived on farms. A pair of jeans was a completely different experience for me. Valerie said they fit me perfectly, but they were uncomfortable. I hoped when my injuries healed they would feel better to wear. That was just the physical part of wearing them, but I also felt exposed. The sweater was soft, but it hugged my body, and I was used to wearing baggy dresses and not showing off my figure. I chose jeans because I was always curious about them, but once I was in them I felt exposed. Men always looked at me with lust in their eyes, but that was while wearing the least flattering dresses. I hesitated when I walked down those stairs at Morgan’s house. But then my eyes met Michael’s and his warmth surrounded me, making me feel safe and something else I couldn’t explain. He didn’t exactly look at me with lust in his eyes, maybe a little, but it was something else. Almost like he adored me or something. Creed didn’t look at me with lust like the other men either. He was more surprised than anything, I think.
Then that smell hit me, and it smelled like the dead animals on the side of the road mixed with the sulfur of rotten eggs and a hint of skunk spray. I am normally a hard worker, but when the mobile home was being loaded, I made it look like I was working really hard stacking the bags in the bedroom, so I didn’t have to go back inside that monster sized house.
I was amazed by the winter wonderland I saw as we drove to the Community Center. I barely heard all the cheesy things Valerie said about love and all that, I was too mesmerized to listen to it. The people were so happy as they celebrated their holiday. We never celebrated, it was against the ancestor’s laws, and I regretted that as I watched the children, and their parents experience the purest kind of joy.
When we walked into the community center, I was amused when I heard Axton snarl at some young man that looked at me the way I hated. It was either a snarl spoken under his breath or a growl, I couldn’t tell. He introduced us to a very kind woman named Heidi. I hated it when Axton kissed my temple then walked away after telling me I was in good hands. We spent a lot of time with her. She had paperwork for us to sign, and a welcome packet for us to study. It explained how Creed’s lake worked. She gave us the highlights and explained how to purchase things, receive mail, participate in community sports and what was offered in the training center. Then she gave us a tour and I was once again amazed. She put us in a small vehicle she called a side by side, and drove us around to see the little grocery store and gas station she called the commissary. Then we saw the miniature hospital, training center, the school they were building, and the beach. Then she took us back to the community center and picked up some food before taking us to the apartment building.
I felt alone and scared without Michael and wasn’t looking forward to my first night without him. There were a lot of people around and new rules to learn.
Our apartment was very nice. It had a view of the lake if we stood outside on the balcony. We were on the top floor, and we could see it over the trees. We had a kitchen, furnished living room with a television which was the most exciting part of the apartment, a hall bathroom and two bedrooms, both with their own bathrooms. There were so many bags of clothes in my room that I could barely see the bed or floor, with some left in the hall as well. I wasn’t going to need new clothes for the rest of my life if I somehow got to feeling comfortable wearing what Morgan gave me.
Koty and I enjoyed dinner while Heidi made a run to the commissary for things she thought we would need. The coolest part was that we could watch television while we ate. It was a good distraction that kept my mind off of my fear and what was happening back home. I was sad and disappointed that I wouldn’t see Michael again, and didn’t know how long until I got to see him before bed. I didn’t get to say goodbye before we left the community center. I really hoped I would see him the following day at some point.
When Heidi returned, she had a lot of stuff for us. She even bought briefs, razors, and shaving cream for Koty. All the bathrooms already had toilet paper, hand soap, and towels, but she brought me a few things I never used before. The most confusing thing was razors. She expected me to shave all the hair under my arms and on my legs. It was weird but I’d do it if she thought it was necessary. Store bought shampoo and conditioner was new to me. We always used the homemade deodorant, soap and shampoo one of my father’s wives made. There was body lotion, hand lotion, body spray, and other things I never used. Except lotion, I did have some of that, but it was always unscented. I never used conditioner in my life either, and it smelled really good. Then she had a brush, some hair ties and clips, and something else I never used and that was a curling iron. She handed me actual women’s shaving cream and explained how to use the razor on my legs, then she handed me a little box of band aids. Heidi felt it was important for me to acclimate to the world around me, and we agreed to start with making my appearance more modern. I agreed, because I realized being too plain would make me stick out more.
She was a thorough woman because she put tampons and pads in my bathroom vanity cabinet. I had never used those, we were to use reusable pads back home. We even had designated underwear for that time of the month. They were made much thicker and had clasps for the menstruation pads to stay in place. She was totally baffled when I told her I never used a tampon, but I did see them in the women’s restrooms at the community college I attended before switching to the online program for my bachelors.
While I took a shower, she dug through Morgan’s bags for a nightgown and robe. Heidi was very kind and didn’t seemed surprised at all there were a lot of things she may have considered usual that I didn’t know.
My legs felt oddly weird but good. They were soft and felt extra clean. I did get a few cuts, and it took me a very long time, but I think I liked it. I cleaned my wounds and put on new dressings.
When I walked out of the bathroom, I saw what was laying on my bed. Heidi moved all the bags off it, so I had somewhere to sleep. What was on my bed was not the kind of nightgown I expected. It was a blush liquid satin gown with tiny straps and no sleeves. Beside it was a robe that matched. I touched it and it felt silky and soft. I loved it. I had seen nightgowns similar in some of the movies I watched during our travels.
After Heidi left and Koty retired to his room, it was quiet and every tiny noise I heard panicked me into thinking it was Jeremy, and he hurt people to find me. I needed Michael and he was nowhere near me. I shut my bedroom door and drew the curtains to block out the blinding billions of Christmas lights outside, then shut off my light. I was going to arrange my things the next day because I really needed to turn my lights off.
I didn’t feel hidden enough on my bed, so I crawled to the corner of the bedroom and curled up into a ball. I cried because I knew my papa was dead, my mama was probably taken from her home and sent north to a new husband, and Koty and I were being hunted. The most horrible thoughts were going through my mind. Papa burning in hell, Jeremy forcing himself on me if I was found, Koty being killed by him, and not ever feeling safe again the way Michael made me feel. I couldn’t stop crying and fear took hold of me from the deepest parts of my soul. My body was trembling, and I couldn’t get the room dark enough because of all the twinkling lights outside. I wanted to go home to my papa and mama. I missed my students and the rest of my family.
Axton
I paced my living room floor while thinking about Belle. I imagined her lying in bed with blankets over her because she couldn’t get the room dark enough. Fucking Morgan and all those damn lights. My house was too quiet, and nothing took my mind off Belle. Was she suffering because I wasn’t near? Was she sad because I didn’t get to tell her goodnight? Was Koty smart enough to give her comfort or did he just go to bed and leave her to her thoughts? Did Heidi show her how to get to the bunker from her apartment?
Dammit, I tried watching television and that didn’t calm my mind down. There were a few foreign cases that needed assigned to units, so I worked on that, but I couldn’t get rid of the fucking gut feeling I had that told me someone needed me. Dammit, I hadn’t felt that feeling in years, not the way I felt when the guys were on missions that went south, or when I had to leave Kayla for basic training. It was all fucking Natalie. I hadn’t felt it since Natalie. Fuck!
Fourteen years ago…
Getting over the girl you loved your whole life was hard. It was even harder when you saw her every single day and had to play the role of best friend. Natalie hurt me, and she hurt me bad. Gone were the days she looked at me as if I had all the answers in the world. She was still near, and I could have sworn she felt the same way about me as I did her, but I was wrong. She was still the Natalie I knew in many ways, but she changed in many other ways. I had her to lean on and God knew she leaned on me, but the playfulness was gone. It had been too long since I heard her hilarious laugh or saw excitement in her eyes. It was like the light in her eyes died overnight. I came so damn close to telling her that I loved her with every ounce of my being. I wanted her to be mine, to be her boyfriend and not just her best friend. That she was the person who taught me everything we wanted when we got off that mountainside was worth getting up every day and fighting damn hard for it. And damn did I have to fight hard every single day of my life. Most guys on that mountainside had two choices at my age. Not me, I made myself another choice and I was fighting damn hard to stay on track for that choice. I could have chosen to be like Natalie’s older brothers and most kids my age on that mountain and dropped out of school to tinker around on old cars, drink beer and get high all day, and of course make meth with your piece of shit parents, and make welfare babies with any girl that spread their legs for them. Then there was option two, which was to run away and live on the streets but still eventually get into drugs. Those two options were pretty much the norm, but I wasn’t the normal guy. I dreamed up my own path, and that was to join the military and go to college on the GI Bill, marry Natalie, and send money home to Kayla. She was getting old enough to start doing things for herself. I prepared her for the day I would have to leave. She knew how to use my bank card, how to pay bills, what to do if mom got arrested again, and how to fix things around the house. I promised of she did good in school and got accepted into college, I’d do whatever I could to help her. I wanted to be a pilot, but that wasn’t something that would give me an immediate income. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with Natalie, and why she made me feel ecstatic to have one special night with her, but then act like she was doing me a favor. It felt like our friendship and all of our hopes and dreams were slipping through my fingers for several months.
I couldn’t understand how it was possible to love someone so much that it motivated you to rise above your circumstances and work the way I did, but not receive that love in return. It was in her eyes one day then it just up and disappeared.
It happened the day prior. I took off work early, which was something I never did. It was Valentines Day, so I got her some flowers and a box of chocolate. I wasn’t really all that in tune on how to impress a girl, but the guys at the tire shop said to always give them flowers and candy. I went home and got a shower, making sure I scrubbed every bit of grease off me because it was like that shit stained. I threw on the only button up shirt I had with my best pair of jeans, styled my hair and put on the tie I found at the secondhand store while picking up a few things for Kayla. I even spent the extra two dollars on the Old Spice deodorant I picked up. I thought it made me smell like my mom’s brother who did well for himself. Maybe I hoped it covered the smell of the cheap laundry detergent we used and the stench of poverty people in town made me believe it existed.
After taking one last look in the mirror and checking out the only few hairs that grew on my face then deciding to shave them off real quick, I whistled as I walked to the kitchen table for her flowers and candy then went toward the front door. I stopped myself as soon as I opened the door, and I felt like someone punched me in the gut. Natalie was getting into the passenger side of a very familiar Toyota Camry. The one Will Caston drove to school. The one his parents bought him brand new straight off the lot. Will Caston, the biggest asshole in the school. The one that was a bully and got off by making everyone laugh at the more unfortunate kids. We had plans, I was on my way to her house so I could escort her back to my house, and we were going to make a Valentines dinner with Kayla. I was going to tell her everything I needed to say after Kayla went to bed. She knew about our plans for the evening and acted excited at first. But then she acted weird at school, like she was making time for me, and it was a favor she was doing for me. What happened?
Another piece of my heart fell away when she waved at me as they drove by. I didn’t do a damn thing to stop her, just let her get in the car with him and drive away, despite the horrible feeling I had, like she was going to need me. Like she was walking into the wolves’ den and I just let it happen. I looked at my bicycle and cursed. I fucked up, because I couldn’t even go find her. I couldn’t afford a car, not even a cheap one. Although mom had been doing better, she was working at a bar and still not coming home every night. She had a piece of shit car she bought, but it just added to my problems because I had to spend money to buy parts and spend time fixing it. She was paying some bills, which helped, and I was able to buy the flowers and chocolates, but that was about it.
I spent my night pacing, worrying to death about her, watching her house from the window and hoping she came home soon, but she didn’t come.
I finally fell asleep, but woke to a warm body crawling in bed with me. I knew it was Natalie without even looking at her. “Are you okay?” I asked, although I was hurting like I never felt before.
“I’m sorry.” She sniffled.
I knew why she did it. We were the poor kids that had to come off the mountain and face shame every day at school. She hoped for once in her life that she was finally seen for what she had to offer the world. Not just the poor kid that wore secondhand clothes. She had Will’s attention, but didn’t understand the way he used girls.
I pulled her into me and kissed her head. “Get some sleep.” Her hair was wet, so I figured she took a shower.
“I love you, Mikey. You’ll always be my best friend.” She sniffled.
“Want to talk about it?” I asked in my groggy voice.
“No, just hold me. I couldn’t sleep and didn’t feel safe. I’m always safe when you’re close.”
I kissed her cheek right before I drifted off to sleep. It wasn’t unusual for her to walk over and slip into my bed and say she needed to feel safe. I didn’t mind it because I always wanted to keep her safe. It wasn’t a big deal because we pretty much grew up without parents and she never had to sneak out, she did whatever she wanted.
I woke up to feel lips run up my neck until they pressed against mine. I wasn’t expecting it, but she started kissing me. It was my first kiss, and it was as amazing as I dreamed. She crawled on top of me and didn’t stop kissing me, and by then my teenage hormones were going insane. There were no bells and whistles screaming warnings of possible danger, but I wished they would have. Only a desire that I never felt in my life before that moment. She rolled on top of me, and my hands traveled down her back, over the t-shirt until I felt bare skin. “Natalie.” I whispered.
“Just go with it, Mikey.” She started kissing me again.
My hands squeezed her bare ass, and I pushed my hips up to rub what was hard against her. She clasped my face in her hands, and with the light of the moon, she studied my face. “Do you know what I love about you most?” She asked, but I didn’t care at that moment. I was having the best time of my life.
“No.” I lifted my face to try to kiss her, but she pulled her head back.
“These dimples.” She whispered before she kissed them and finally her lips trailed to mine. I held her so tight, and instinct kept taking over. I needed her closer.
Our breathing grew out of control, the desperate need I always felt inside me came roaring to the surface. She reached between us, and her hand slipped inside my boxer briefs. I shut my eyes to the feel of her touch, then whimpered against her lips. “That’s not a good idea.”
She was the only girl I ever wanted. The only girl I ever really saw, and the most beautiful thing God ever made. I wanted her, but not yet, not so soon. Suddenly, I felt something wet and warm, and my eyes flew open. The more she lowered herself the tighter her warmth became, and a moan escaped my lips, so she sat up and threw her shirt off. “No, Natalie, I’m not ready.” I got to see her boobs as she slowly circled her hips with me inside her. “Natalie, please stop.” I wanted to be there, inside her, but she wasn’t doing it the way I always dreamed of having her in my arms. She swatted my hands away when I reached up to loft her off me. “Not like this, Nat. Please stop…Jesus Christ.”
“Quiet, you’ll wake Kayla.” She put her hand over my mouth. My head fell back, but she kept that damn hand over my mouth. I tried moving from underneath her but what she was doing, my God it felt way too good. It became too much, I knew it was about to happen. My stomach tightened, and I grabbed her wrist and moved her hand from my mouth.
“Please stop, I can’t do it. Natalie please.” I begged.
She was moving fast, my bed was making noises, her thighs began to shake, and she squeezed tight around me. So damn tight and she was wet and so warm.
“Fuck, Natalie, please! I can’t do this inside you!” I didn’t want her to stop, I needed her to stop. But then it was too late. My toes curled, my stomach contracted, and I knew what was shooting inside her. “Oh…God!” I was trying to lift her but had little to no strength as I experienced my first ever orgasm inside a girl. It was powerful, it took over every muscle inside my body. It was when she collapsed on top of me that I felt all the disappointment in the world hit me. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. Not me crying out for her to stop. Not before we had a chance to experience those few first kisses without the pressure of sex, talk about our future, and at least be together the way I always dreamed and hoped she did too. Instead of sharing it m, she took it from me. My first sexual experience was spent feeling how good she felt but also violated and disregarded like trash, my words begging her to stop meant nothing to her. She just kept going and I was too weak to stop her. It wasn’t just her fault, I could have used more force to make her stop, but it was like my body and heart wanted two different things. I came inside her, that meant I shouldn’t have felt so used. Why didn’t I stop her? Why did she do that to me? Why did I let her do that to me?
Present day…
I sat on the chair I placed by the window with a glass of whiskey in hand. I could see the sky over the community center glowing brighter than Clark Griswold ever could have dreamed. I took a sip of the whiskey then placed the glass on the end table and looked down at the folded letter in my hand.
Dear Mikey
Natalie’s handwriting was on the outside. Her letters reminded me of bubbles, and they were playful just like she used to be. She wrote me letters from time to time, and she would fold them and write my name on the outside with stars and hearts around it. Not that time, not on the letter I held in my hand. It wasn’t just a letter, it was a confession. One that tore my heart out of my chest every time I read it. It was worn, the corners were bent, and what was once new was becoming old and fragile.
I thought holding it would settle my restless mind. It would have been a reminder of why I needed to stay away from Belle. A girl like that could ruin a man, but suddenly I was questioning if it might have been time to put myself back together again.
I could remember exactly how Sheriff Blanchard looked at me that night. He was just a deputy back then, and he stood there looking down at me like I was a fragile wounded bird taking its last breaths. I could tell he had no hope left for me. Broughton, the other deputy was holding Linda Sue back as I held my dead angels in my arms.
Fourteen years ago…
There was blood everywhere, and not even the cops had the heart to rip them out of my arms. I screamed so loud that most would have thought my soul left my body, but it was left behind to rot while my angels soared to heaven.
My eyes scanned everything around me, and I couldn’t make sense of it. What happened? How was what I was seeing even possible? There was blood on the flowers around the tree, a razor fell from her hand, an umbilical cord, and after birth. She was cold, but the air around us was warm. Her eyes were open, but they no longer looked like the vibrant eyes I loved so much. Anger roared through me again and I screamed as my body shook. I could hear Kayla back at the house screaming for me, but I couldn’t let go of them. I needed them in my arms.
A body came flying at me from nowhere and I winced, thinking someone was going to hit me, but instead arms wrapped around me. Warm tears mixed with mine as she cried. It wasn’t Kayla, it was my mom.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” She held my shaking body, not minding that my angel’s blood was touching her.
“You did this to her!” Linda Sue screamed.
It was the last day of school, the spring flowers were still blooming, and there I was, a seventeen-year-old boy holding his best friend’s dead body, as she held her dead baby. A baby I didn’t know she was expecting. One that had a cold hand over its nose and mouth when I found them.
“Son, is this your baby?” The deputy asked. I looked up at him and didn’t know the answer. I was so confused.
“You don’t have to say anything, Mike. Just give yourself a little more time.” Mom cried.
“I’m going to fucking kill him!” Natalie’s brother charged toward me, he was huge, but my mother stood and took the blow for me. She fell with a thud and the most insane kind of rage grew inside me. The stars aligned and came full circle, a memory hit me. The day I stepped in front of my old man and took that blow for my mother. It happened on the day I was supposed to die, but lived on life support for weeks.
That would have been the first time mom checked herself into rehab, and it was the day she finally called her parents for help and meant it.
The same question was asked of me, over and over again, until I finally answered it.
“Was that your baby, son?”
With tears in my eyes, I finally answered. “ Yes, sir. She was my daughter.”
Present day…
“I only feel safe when you’re near me.”
Belle’s words swam around in my mind as I looked down at that old letter. I shut my eyes and imagined she was scared and in the dark.
“I only feel safe when you’re near me.”
“Fuck!”
I stood and paced again, but stopped and looked at the halo of lights from the community center that must have reached space. I remembered that Christmas morning when I looked at Natalie and the lights from the tree danced in her eyes. I’d never forget how damn good that Christmas morning felt.
My mind was in a battle. Did I ignore my need to protect Belle, or was I to go to her and risk everything, including my sanity? I never wanted a woman to need me ever again. Being needed by a woman as they looked at me the way Natalie and now Belle did, was one of my biggest nightmares. Of course, other people, including women and children, needed my help and I was fine to do it, but it was different with them. I didn’t need them for anything. I hated the idea of what was really bothering me. Natalie didn’t understand that I needed her too. I needed to feel adored, respected, safe, and worth something. How the fuck did Belle make an impact on me before she even opened her eyes? I never wanted to need someone the way I did Natalie ever again.
“Fuck it.” I stormed toward the garage and grabbed my keys.