Chapter Three #3
Sarah shook her head, reaching up to loop her arms around my neck.
I allowed her to pull me down and I stooped, bringing my mouth to hers.
As always, there were no fireworks, but it was perfectly pleasant.
The kiss was a little sloppy, but enthusiastic and I appreciated that.
I let Sarah kiss me as she wanted to and when she dropped her wine glass into the grass, I spun her around and pressed her against the side of a nearby burger van.
“You’re such a good kisser,” she sighed into my mouth. I’d been told that before, but it was always nice to hear. My ego puffed up, and I kissed her a little harder in response. When she started moaning, her hands running all over me, I knew it was time to shoot my shot.
“Y’wanna come back t’ the camp wi’ us, aye? There’s a wee party goin’ on.”
“Definitely,” Sarah gasped, breaking our kiss and fanning her face. She was an easy wee ride, that much was clear. Just what I needed to get myself back on the horse after Ronan… Fuck, why couldn’t I get him out of my head?
As Sarah smoothed her hair, Tess appeared beside her.
“Well, you two are looking cosy,” she teased with a grin.
“John-Francis has invited us back to the camp with them,” Sarah said, still a little breathless. “There’s a big party.”
Tess cast her an incredulous look. “Sure there is. Where? In his pants?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. Tess definitely had my number.
“Nah, I’m bein’ serious wi’ ya. There’s a massive bonfire, fireworks… Y’should come wi’ us.”
Declan sidled up beside Tess and draped an arm over her shoulders. “Plenty o’ drink too, aye.”
“Will we, um… Are we allowed to be there?” Tess asked nervously.
“S’long as y’with me,” Declan replied.
“I’m game.” Sarah gazed up at me, eyeing me like I was a piece of meat. I felt perspiration breaking out over my back.
Tess seemed to hesitate, almost fighting with herself and Declan caught my eye. If she agreed to come back with us, there was no doubt he’d be getting the ride in with her.
“Alright, fine – we’ll come back with you and have a drink, but then we’re heading home, okay?” Tess poked her finger into Declan’s chest. When he raised the palm of his hand, as if that somehow proved his innocent intentions, I almost laughed. No way was Tess getting away from him now. No way.
“Come on,” Sarah giggled excitedly, taking my hand.
I cast Declan one last grin over my shoulder before leading the group away through the crowds.
I knew the way like the back of my hand and even though it was dark now, I confidently navigated us through pitch black fields and woodland and back to the camp.
The party I had promised was already in full swing.
Yet another large bonfire was roaring at the centre, loud bass music pumping out into the night and traveller folks danced and laughed all around.
I felt Sarah tighten her hold on my hand and I dragged her along behind me, snatching a bottle of vodka from a table of various alcoholic drinks.
“What have you got there?” Sarah asked, and I passed her the bottle whilst I wrestled with a rusty, old picnic chair beside the fire.
I heard Sarah groan with disgust as she took a swig from the bottle and cast her a grin. That vodka was cheap, nasty shite but it would do the job and that’s all that mattered to me.
I sat myself down in the chair and dragged Sarah into my lap. She giggled and as Tess and Declan approached, she held out the bottle to them.
“Here,” she shouted. “It’s vile.”
“You’re really selling it to me,” Tess replied sarcastically, taking the bottle from her. She sniffed it cautiously before taking a small sip. “Ugh.”
Sarah’s attention snapped back to me. She was a keen, wee thing, pressing her body into mine, stroking her hands all over me. I tried to get into it, but I was on edge. We were back at the camp now and my thoughts were fixated on Ronan, eyes darting around, studying each face as it passed.
“What are you thinking about?” Sarah purred in my ear. “You’re a million miles away.”
I don’t think ya’d really wanna know… I took a deep breath, grasping her by her chin and dragging her into another kiss.
Sarah melted into me immediately with a soft sigh, and yet all I felt was tension.
It was frustrating. Whilst I couldn’t honestly say getting the ride in with a girl was on the same level as with a fella, I had always been able to summon some sort of enthusiasm for it, and yet this evening I couldn’t seem to get out of my head.
When Sarah backed off, I was silently relieved.
“Can we go to your place?”
And there it was – the question most fellas would have been jumping at. I leant back into the chair with a shrug.
“If ya’d like.”
That was all Sarah needed to hear. In a flash she was clambering out of my lap and straightening out her clothes.
“Hey Tess? I’m, uh, going to go hang out with John-Francis at his place for a bit.”
Declan glanced at me with a knowing grin, and I forced myself to return it. If nothing else, tonight would serve to bury my secrets just that little bit deeper.
Tess got up and looped her arm around her friend, pulling her into a hug. Whilst they said their goodbyes, I glanced around the party, eyes searching the darkness… I stilled, finally spotting the one person I equally yearned and dreaded seeing.
Ronan. Our eyes locked across the fire, just as they’d done the night prior. I wondered how he was faring today after that brief, explosive encounter. Just remembering it had me feeling hot and agitated. I certainly wouldn’t be dragging my heels if it was him I was getting on top of.
The corner of my mouth lifted into a smile, but Ronan remained stone-faced and surly. For a moment, my stomach turned over. Had I imagined how great that fuck had been? I’d been pretty sure he’d been as into it as I was, but–
“Ready to go, handsome?”
I flinched, glancing down at Sarah as she sidled up to me and entwined her fingers with mine.
My eyes darted back to Ronan, noting that his mood seemed to have darkened further still.
He cocked a brow at me, silently questioning what I was doing with Sarah – not just a girl, but also a settled.
I didn’t know how to answer that. The interaction lasted no longer than a few seconds, but Ronan’s disapproval was clear.
With a frown, he turned away from me and disappeared into the crowds.
“Come on,” Sarah whined, dragging me ahead.
I simply stumbled along beside her, feeling strangely hollow.
What did it matter what Ronan thought of me?
He was a stranger to me, just as Sarah was.
I didn’t know anything about him except his name and that he liked a fella at his back, and yet my gut roiled with regret.
Why did I feel guilty about being here with Sarah?
With my mind elsewhere, we arrived back at my caravan in no time. Without a word I unlocked it and held the door open for Sarah to clamber inside before following behind her.
“It’s actually kind of cute in here, you know,” she murmured, glancing around with curiosity as I flicked on a light. “I wasn’t sure what to expect.”
“Aye, well…” I didn’t know what to say to that, rubbing the back of my neck.
“My grandparents had a caravan just like this. They used to take me away with them during the school holidays sometimes when I was younger.”
I hadn’t been interested in Sarah’s life story even before I’d crossed paths with Ronan, but now it was safe to say I couldn’t give less of a shite.
As she blabbered on, I opened up one of the cupboards in the kitchenette, fingers finding a stashed baggie of Ecstasy tablets.
I was going to need all the fucking help I could get tonight.
“Sometimes I used to help my gran with washing the caravan down. They get absolutely covered in bugs, don’t they? Do you– Oh, hey, um… What’s that?” Sarah’s monologue was interrupted as she spotted me fiddling about with the wee baggie.
“E. Y’want some, like?” I tipped out two tablets into my palm before sitting down at the edge of the bed beside Sarah.
“I’m not really into all that stuff,” she muttered, shifting about nervously. As I lifted my hand, about to pop one of the pills, Sarah reached out and grabbed my wrist. “And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t.”
I stared at her for a moment. “Y’coddin’?”
“Am I what?” she spluttered. “Sorry, you’ve lost me.
“Jokin’,” I clarified. “Are ya jokin’, like.”
Sarah shook her head with a smile. “I’m afraid not, but—” She leant in, nuzzling her mouth into my throat. “You won’t be needing it, I’m sure.”
I glanced at the tablets in my hand, torn. I’d done some sketchy shite in my time, but my ma didn’t raise a fella who went out of his way to make a girl uncomfortable. With an irritated sigh, I reached over and slammed the baggie down on the kitchen counter.
“Get the lights,” Sarah rasped, nipping my earlobe and I silently did as I was asked.
I let her undress me, first my t-shirt, then my jeans. When I was clad in only my boxers, Sarah pushed me down onto my back with a sultry smile and climbed up on top of me, straddling me.
We kissed for a long while, Sarah grinding herself on me with enthusiasm – and yet my body refused to respond. I broke out in a nervous sweat, a familiar sense of nausea and disgust crawling over me. This wasn’t right. What the fuck was wrong with me?
C’mon, f’feck’s sake get it together, now. Before she figures out somethin’ ain’t right.
The pressure mounted until I swore my heart would beat right out of my chest and when Sarah’s hand wormed its way between us, I shuddered with revulsion.
“O-oh…” she stammered, clearly not expecting to find my cock soft and unresponsive. Her confidence faltered, but she plastered on a false smile. “Here, let me.”
Before I could say anything, Sarah shifted her weight down the bed. I clenched my jaw, hands balling into fists as she tugged down my underwear and sucked me into her mouth.
C’mon… C’mon!
I closed my eyes, trying desperately to summon something, anything…
I used all my usual tricks – fantasising about fellas, about that magazine from my youth, even Ronan…
Nothing. Eventually the shame grew too much to bear and I roughly shoved Sarah off me, sitting up and tucking myself back into my boxers.
“Is something wrong? Was I not—”
“Y’fine,” I snapped. “I’d a few too many drinks in me, that’s all. Not gonna happen tonight, like.”
“S-sure,” Sarah spluttered, smoothing down her hair. She watched me silently as I grabbed my clothes, redressing myself with shaking hands. Every inch of me was on edge, raw and vulnerable and I hated it.
“C’mon, I’d be takin’ ya back t’ Tess.” Just mentioning the pretty barmaid had me cringing.
There was no way Sarah wasn’t going to be telling her wee mate about this.
What if she told Declan? Fuck. I couldn’t risk it.
Not now. Not after I’d kept this part of myself hidden for so long.
A dark flare of panic and rage erupted inside me.
“Gotta say I’d be a bit disappointed, like. Y’come on all strong like ya gonna be a craic’er ride an’ then y’flop. I shoulda listened ta the other fellas – they’d be sayin’ wee settled girls are no good, aye.”
It was cruel, but if keeping my secret meant tearing Sarah down, blaming her for what had happened here tonight, it was something I needed to do.
I needed that wee settled to think this was her fault, to believe that she’d been disappointing in bed, so she was in no rush to be telling Tess about any of it.
Sarah blinked, clearly taken aback for a moment before an angry scowl marred her face. “You fucking arsehole.” She got up, snatching her shoes from the floor. “Let me out of here.”
“Aye, no bother,” I replied tersely, opening up the door and standing aside as she hopped down onto the grass.
Without a word, I followed behind her as she stormed back towards the fire.
The chairs that Declan and I had set up were occupied with strangers and despite her anger, Sarah faltered.
Looked like Declan had convinced Tess back to his gaff.
At least someone was getting lucky tonight.
Sarah wrapped her arms around herself and though she stiffened as I came to stand beside her, she didn’t move away.
“Ya want me ta walk y’home? I’d not want ya meetin’ wi’ the wrong folks, like.”
She needled me with a glare. “I’d say it’s entirely too late for that.” She paused. “But yes, please.”
I nodded, shoving my hands into my pockets. “C’mon, this way, now.”