Chapter Eleven #2
“Aye,” I muttered, dabbing the back of my hand to my mouth. I could taste blood, but it appeared the damage was superficial.
“Declan, c’mon,” John-Francis sighed. There was pain behind his voice. “I can’t just leave ya here. Come wi’ me, like. We’ll get ya cleaned up an’—”
“No. I’m stayin’. Feck off.” Came the clipped reply, muffled by the bedsheets.
“Dec—”
“I said feck off, John-Francis!” Declan roared, lashing out blindly. “Leave me be.”
John-Francis sat motionless beside his mate on the bed for a long moment until his shoulders sagged and he reluctantly got to his feet.
“A’right, I’ll leave – but I’m comin’ back, y’hear? I’m not gonna let ya rot.”
Declan didn’t respond and I let John-Francis usher me back out the way we came. As we exited the cottage, I was glad to be back out in the fresh air. Something about that house set me on edge, somehow insidious. It was tainted with pain and suffering.
We got back in the van, but John-Francis didn’t pull off immediately and I gazed at him. He looked haunted, those lovely grey eyes almost vacant as he watched the house for a moment longer. When his attention flickered to me, I cast him a soft smile.
“Let me get a look at ya, now,” he murmured, taking my chin and tilting my face this way and that as he inspected me for damage.
“I’m alright, like. Coulda been worse.”
John-Francis sighed, releasing me to run a hand through his hair. “Sorry. If I’d known he was in such a state I’d not have brought ya, now.”
“Y’needed help. I wanted t’ be here,” I replied, heart swelling when he held my gaze and smiled. There was no light behind it this time, sadness and worry radiating from him.
“C’mon, let’s head on back. Maybe ya ma will have an idea o’ how t’ get through t’ Dec, aye?” He turned the key in the ignition, the van rumbling to life.
Just the mention of my ma had my gut in a knot. Jaysus, with all this shite John-Francis was already going through, how the fuck was I going to break the news that we were moving on? Was I moving on? I didn’t know, and I didn’t have much time to figure things out neither.
I managed to hold my tongue until we arrived back at the camp, but my unspoken worries were like a dark cloud lingering over me. We clambered down from the van, but as John-Francis went to head on over to my place, I hesitated.
He looked back at me with a quizzical frown. “Y’comin’?”
I scrubbed a hand down my face. “Can we talk first? Got somethin’ I need t’ tell ya.”
John-Francis paled, his face falling. In an instant he turned back, closing in on me. “What’s goin’ on? Y’alright, aye?”
“Aye…” I faltered with a sad laugh. “Well, no, but– Look, let’s go inside a minute?”
He followed behind me in silence, and I could almost feel his mood blackening further.
It made me nauseous knowing the worry I was causing him, but I knew until we talked about this, we wouldn’t be able to move forward.
I stepped aside for John-Francis to unlock his door, and we hopped up inside.
As soon as the door was shut, he was on me.
“What’s goin’ on, Ronan?”
“Ma an’ Darragh are packin’ up. They’re makin’ a move later today. Too much goin’ on wi’ the filth hangin’ ‘round. Y’know how it is,” I mumbled.
John-Francis didn’t speak but nodded his understanding. Both of us remained quiet for a long moment, my words sinking in. I’d gotten so lost in my thoughts that I flinched when John-Francis spoke, his deep voice shattering the silence.
“Feck,” he sighed.
“I… I want t’ stay here wi’ ya,” I said, praying my voice held steady. “If ya’d have me, like.”
“Y’can’t, Ronan.”
Those words cut me like a knife and I stilled, frozen in place. My heart was thundering, stomach churning. Everything suddenly felt far away.
“Don’t be misunderstandin’ me, now,” John-Francis continued. “Feck, I want y’ta. More than anythin’, but y’can’t stay here. not wi’ everythin’ the way it is.”
“But—”
To my surprise, John-Francis held up a hand to silence me. “Y’need t’ stay wi’ ya ma. Believe me when I say y’luckier than y’know. Don’t turn y’back on y’family. not f’anythin’.”
I stared at my feet, startling when John-Francis reached out and grabbed my face, forcing me to look up at him. The emotion behind his eyes blazed ferociously and I felt my throat growing dry and tight in response.
Feck, don’t ya dare start cryin’. Hold it together, now.
“I can’t come wi’ ya. Not yet. Not wi’ Declan in feckin’ pieces,” John-Francis murmured softly.
When his hand trailed around to my nape, I allowed him to drag me in closer, and he stooped to bring our foreheads together. We gazed into one another’s eyes.
“Go,” John-Francis whispered, voice gravelly as he failed to hold back his grief. “Go wi’ ya ma and Darragh, but y’best be believin’ I’ll be comin’ f’ya the second I feckin’ can, now.”
It was too much. I closed the distance between us, crushing my mouth against his.
We melted into one another in an instant, all of our fear, sadness, tension pouring freely.
I felt a hot tear escape the corner of my eye, tracking down the side of my face.
I couldn’t even bring myself to wipe it away.
John-Francis and I held onto one another, never wanting to let go and when we eventually broke for air, we each wrapped our arms around the other.
“Feck, I’m gonna miss ya,” I said, voice wavering with emotion as I buried my face into his chest. It destroyed me as I wondered when I would next get the opportunity to do so. What if things with Declan never got any better? What if he forgot about me? Met someone else?
“I will come find ya,” John-Francis rasped. “I promise ya. As soon as I know Declan is goin’ t’ be okay I’ll be wi’ ya. I love ya, Ronan. So much.”
I squeezed him tighter. “I love ya, too.”
I wasn’t sure how long we remained that way, wallowing in our shared grief and wrapped up in one another. I never wanted to let go. I knew as soon as I did, it was the beginning of the end, and I wasn’t sure if I could survive it.
The shrill noise of John-Francis’s phone ringing shattered the heavy atmosphere, and we eased away from one another. My heart shattered just a little more as I saw John-Francis hastily wipe off his eyes before digging into his pocket.
“Howsagoin’ boyo?” he said, voice still thick from tears. He cleared his throat and sniffed as he paused to listen to the other end. “Aye, we’d been over but he’s not in a good way, like.” Another pause. “Nah, wouldn’t leave wi’ me.”
I leant back against the kitchen counter. Whilst John-Francis continued his conversation, I took a moment to look around the caravan. I’d long since grown comfortable here, my home away from home. This was going to be the last time I was here for some time, maybe ever.
The fear of what lay ahead weighed heavily on me, but I owed it to John-Francis to do as he told me.
He was right – I was lucky. Family meant a lot to me, and yet I knew it meant even more to John-Francis.
He knew exactly what I would be giving up if I walked away from Ma and Darragh to stay here with him and as much as I hated the thought of leaving him behind, I was grateful to him for making the choice I was too afraid to make myself.
“A’right. I’ll see ya in a wee while, aye? We’ll have a chat, see where we’re at. Aye. Aye, see ya, fella.” John-Francis hung up and released a heavy sigh. “Seamus. I’d be headin’ over t’ his place t’ talk through what t’ do about Declan, like.”
I nodded, unable to find the words I wanted to say. Nothing would ever be able to explain how I was feeling.
Another long silence elapsed, but the heaviness of indecision had lifted at least. It left us both raw and exposed, but I felt a little lighter for knowing what my next move was to be.
“I should probably get goin’, like,” I muttered. “Ma and Darragh have done all the hard work. I’m sure they’d be glad o’ a pair o’ extra hands, aye?”
“Aye.” John-Francis smiled sadly. We gazed at one another and when his eyes dipped to my mouth I closed the gap between us instantly. John-Francis took my face in his hands, kissing me like his life depended on it. In that moment, perhaps it did.
When he pulled away, it was only by an inch or so. He held my face, looking at me like he was trying to commit me to memory. It almost set me off again and I swallowed thickly when my eyes began to burn.
“Keep yourself safe, y’hear?” John-Francis instructed.
“Aye, y’too. Ya’ll keep in touch, like? Let me know what’s happenin’ wi’ Declan an’ everythin’ else?”
“‘Course. I’d only be on the other end o’ the phone, now. Anytime y’wanna talk, aye?”
I nodded, sniffing and shaking myself off as I braced to leave the man I loved behind.
I knew this was the right decision, even if at that moment it felt all wrong.
Declan needed John-Francis, and it wasn’t my place to ask him to abandon his mate.
Hell, he wouldn’t have been the fella I loved if he had allowed me to.
This wasn’t going to be forever, and I promised myself silently that I’d do whatever it took to make sure we found one another again.
“I’ll be seein’ ya, aye?” I said, voice cracking. I coughed into my fist in an attempt to brazen past my emotions and made my way to the door.
“Aye. Y’take care o’ ya ma, now? Stick together an’ let me know where ya land.” John-Francis was behind me and when I faltered with my hand on the latch, he pushed it open. “Love ya, Ronan.”
I shuddered, cold through with grief. I had to get out of here. The longer I lingered in this, the more it hurt me. It was time.
“Love ya more, like,” I said, hopping down into the grass and gazing back at John-Francis one last time. He grinned at me, despite how his eyes glistened.
“Nah, that’s feckin’ impossible like. Now clear off. Go give ya ma a hand an’ I’ll be hearin’ from ya later, aye?”
I nodded, and sucking in a deep breath, turned my back and headed back to my place. Each step drove that knife into my heart a little further, but I remained resolute.
When I arrived, I didn’t need to say a word.
It was painfully clear that I had made the decision to leave Appleby and Darragh and Ma graciously allowed me to join in with their packing with no explanation.
I wasn’t sure I could have spoken even if I’d wanted to and I threw myself into the hard work of gathering up our belongings and strapping things down ready for transit, eager for anything to distract me from the huge, empty chasm that I was housing inside my chest.