27. QUINN
27
QUINN
I tap away at my laptop, the soft glow of the screen lighting up the small office I've set up in the corner of my living room.
Quinn, you’ve helped me like no other. My engagement and following have shot up in the last few weeks, and I know I have only you to thank for. FIVE STARS.
The testimonial is good for my budding new business. I decided to branch out and open a social media consulting business. The business is only a couple of months old, but I’ve already managed to get a decent customer base.
The reviews speak for themselves. They come to me because I know what I’m talking about, having gone through the ringer myself.
My account lies abandoned. The little ‘break’ turned into a full-blown stop. Last I checked, they were calling my video with Enzo ‘the sex tape’.
It really isn’t. But it wouldn’t be the internet if people didn’t blow things out of proportion.
It doesn’t matter to me, though. My new business means I still have food on the table, even though my influencer career has crashed and burned.
Do I miss that life I left behind? Of course. But with growing a human inside my belly, my priorities had to change. Besides, how does a pregnant woman live out of her wine-tasting lifestyle if she can’t have any alcohol at all?
A knock on the door takes me out of my thoughts.
“Hey.” Laurie enters my apartment, her car keys jangling as she walks toward me. “How are you feeling this morning?”
“The morning sickness is getting better.”
“Thank god. The doctor said it should subside by the fourth month.”
“Yep.”
Laurie has been my rock and my go-to during this entire pregnancy. I haven’t told anyone else I’m pregnant, but she makes me feel less alone through the whole process.
Every test, every new symptom, every doctor’s appointment—she’s here for it all.
“We should get going now. We don’t want to be late for the appointment.”
I snap my laptop shut, done with work for the day. The best part of setting up my own consulting business is that I get to set up my hours, and I’m no longer at the mercy of timelines from sponsors.
“Let’s get going.”
An hour later, I’m lying flat in a small clinic room as the technician splotches some clear gel on my bump. At four months, I’m already showing, though it is still small.
“So cold.”
“I’m sorry.” The technician smiles, as he starts spreading the gel with the ultrasound wand, pressing my belly harder here and there. “Here you are.”
He turns the screen so that we can see it too and points at a lighter area on the screen. “See this here? This is your baby.”
Laurie’s by my side, holding my hand. We both gasp at the tiny baby on the screen. Arms, legs, head, the body is already forming.
“Oh my god,” I mutter, tears forming in my eyes.
“Q, do you see that? That’s your baby right there. You made that.” Laurie’s voice chokes up.
The technician smiles at us both. “Would you like to hear the baby’s heartbeat?”
I nod immediately. She presses a button, and a rapid thumping sound surrounds us.
I frown. “Why is it so fast?”
“It’s not fast for the baby. That’s just perfect.”
I’m transfixed, feeling like I’ve just had all the air knocked out of me.
“How does it feel?” Laurie looks just as in awe as I am.
“It feels…” I look at the little head on the screen, “Realer than it ever has.”
It’s not that it didn’t feel real before this moment. But there is something life-changing about hearing your baby’s heartbeat for the first time—solidifying your new reality as a parent-to-be.
“Oh, honey.” Laurie squeezes my hand as the tears begin streaming down my face. “Don’t cry.”
The technician hands me a few paper towels a couple of minutes later. “Here you go. All done.”
As we leave, my chest is squeezed too tight.
“I can’t help but think what Enzo would have said had he been here.”
I haven’t been able to pluck the courage to tell him yet. He has probably moved on with his life now, unbeknownst to the fact that he’ll be a father for the fourth time.
“ Honey, you know you still have the option of telling him. He should know. He should get the choice to be in the baby’s life or not. And you shouldn’t have to do this alone.”
“I miss him even more now,” I admit.
Pregnancy hormones are to blame for that. We haven’t talked or seen each other since the day I told him I was leaving, and yet I feel an even stronger bond with him, having his baby growing inside me.
“He might miss you too. But you’ll never know if you don’t reach out.”
I exhale a sharp sigh. “I wouldn’t even know how to talk to him without breaking down.”
“Who says you have to do it this minute?” Laurie raises her eyebrow. “Take a few days, think over it. But ultimately, you know it would be best to tell him. It would be the right thing.”
Her words stay with me all day.
The further ahead I get in my pregnancy, the more I think about what would happen if I raised this baby without telling Enzo.
Sure, there was a chance that Enzo might reject the prospect altogether and disown the child before it’s even born. But I owe it to my unborn child to try. I owe it to Enzo too. Just because he didn’t want me in the long run, he still deserves to know.
What would I say to my baby when they grew up?
I kept your existence from your father because I was too scared to find his reaction. Sorry about that, though.
The guilt alone would eat me alive.
This baby is coming sooner rather than later, and I have to make some tough decisions.
And I might as well start now.
Laurie has stayed with me and is sitting in my living room as I set up my tripod.
“You sure you want to do this?” she asks, concerned.
“Positive. I’ve been putting it off for too long.”
“You know I’m here, either way. Good luck.”
I get myself into position and press the remote button on my camera.
LIVE.
It doesn’t take long for the viewers to start pouring in, and I watch nervously as the number climbs from a hundred to a thousand and still going.
“Hey, guys.” My voice is shaky. It’s been a while since I’ve last done this.
“I guess you weren’t expecting to hear from me today, given my absence these last few months…”
I’ve turned off the comments from the screen so I don’t have to see any negative feedback. It helps me focus, instead of spiraling into a rabbit hole of self-loathing.
“This will be my last live, for good. Over the years, I’ve loved connecting with each one of you, but now it’s time for me to hang up my hat. I’ve decided to say goodbye to the influencer world.”
I had never expected to say those words out loud, yet here I am, uttering them without falling apart.
“We all know what happened these last few months…”
Laurie gestures at me from behind the camera to stop. She had advised me not to go into too much detail, but I can’t help myself.
“I was called a lot of colorful things, but truthfully, I haven’t done anything wrong. I went to Italy, I met someone, and I…” My throat dries up, and I can barely squeeze the next few words out. “I fell in love. I’d like to think I have the right to do that, no matter what the world thinks.”
“But sometimes, we love, and we get burned for it. I’ll always cherish that time in my life, no matter how it turned out. In a way, this account is now my memory album of those moments I had in Italy in the summer that changed my life forever. But it is time for me to say goodbye to you. I loved being with you, having fun with you, learning with you. Until I didn’t. Until all it did was hurt me. So, thank you if you ever supported me. I love you all. Goodbye.”
I end the livestream, tears pricking my eyes.
Laurie hurries over to my side. “That was really brave, what you just did.”
“It’s like someone’s just lifted off a weight off my shoulders.” I manage to crack a small smile through the tears.
I admitted my love out loud for Enzo to an audience of thousands of people, even though I had never been brave enough to do it to him.
“Go out with a bang, huh?” Laurie grins, “You sure know how to make an exit.”
I’m about to respond when my phone starts to ring again.
Liam.
It’s been a while since he bothered me.
I look up at Laurie with a searching expression, holding up the phone.
“Just decline it. You don’t need to hear his bullshit right now.”
“No.” I scroll up, enabling the call record feature on my phone. “I think I should get some proof of his harassment. He thinks he’s immune and can say whatever he wants.”
The record button turns red, and I take a deep breath and accept the call.
“You could have quit a year ago and saved our marriage,” he spits out.
“Don’t you get tired of stalking me online?”
“Hah, don’t flatter yourself. But tell me, what made you do it? Did you finally realize that no man wants to be with someone who sells herself online? Did Enzo reject you because of it?”
I recoil. “How do you…”
I never said Enzo’s name anywhere in the lives.
Laurie scoots over closer to me, seeing the color drain from my face.
“I feel bad for you, really. Your new man pales in comparison to me. He’ll learn, though, that he shouldn’t touch things that don’t belong to him. Things that are mine.”
Liam’s tone is threatening, and goosebumps rise all over my arms.
“I’m sure Silvano is teaching him that lesson already, and will destroy all he loves, but he needs to go through me, too. Too bad you picked the loser in this fight.”
“Liam, could you say that one more time?”
“What?” I catch him off-guard.
“The thing about Silvano. Once more, please.”
Liam realizes that he has said too much and cuts the call. But I have the recording.
Even though he did not intend to, he has just given me an important piece of the puzzle.
Liam knows Enzo. More importantly, he knows Silvano. It’s enough for me to figure out that they must be working together in some capacity.
Against Enzo.
Laurie frowns. “What’s going on, Q?”
“I… I have to do something. I have to let Enzo know.”
But doubt creeps up inside of me.
Will this recording be enough?