73. Chapter 71
Emery
With only twelve minutes remaining, I double-check my last solution, confirming that the slope is definitely two-point-zero-zero-one, select the answer, and hit submit.
When the next screen loads and says Complete, I sag back in my chair, all the tension I was holding on to for the last two hours evaporating.
Staring at the little green check on my screen, I take some time to try to regulate my breathing. Quizzes and exams always bring this nervous excitement that seems to ramp up the further into the questions I get. It’s kind of like, how far can I push myself? Will I beat my last score?
I’ve never really cared about rankings or anything like that.
Studying and exams in high school were all about bettering my chances at getting into a college with as many scholarships as I could accrue.
Whether I was first or last didn’t matter; what mattered was my GPA and ensuring my college applications were the best they could be.
What mattered was getting the hell out of my old life and starting my new one.
Justin’s test today was a recap of everything we’d covered so far this semester, with a few sneaky questions that extended our knowledge. I have a feeling it was probably prep for midterms. The whole thing stinks of Derek.
Weirdly enough, I’m comforted by the idea that he crafted this test for us. It’s kind of like he was here with me while I took the exam. I’m not looking into the feeling any further than that, though. Acknowledging the feeling is there is all the attention I’m giving to the sensation.
Justin is looking at me from his seat down near the podium. He raises an eyebrow at me. Not exactly sure what he wants from me, I shrug, lean forward in my seat, and close my laptop. The gesture has the people around me glancing in my direction, but I ignore them all.
Yeah, I’m finished. So what?
I pack my things into my bag, careful not to dislodge Blue too much. I’ve taken to carrying him in my bag with me everywhere I go. Just knowing I have him with me is enough to settle any discomfort I might be feeling.
And I have been feeling it, no thanks to Madam and EyesOnYou.
Last night, I lay awake in bed for hours, everything turning over in my head like a perpetual pancake flipper.
I have a choice to make. Well, a redo, anyway, if I want it. A second chance to reevaluate everything while I’m not caught up in all the feels—both the flying-high and crashout kinds. I’m giving myself that space to make a decision, because I have a feeling this is my last chance.
Getting up out of my chair, I hoist my bag onto my back and glance at Will, who spares me a small smile before going back to concentrating on his laptop. I cross my fingers for him and head down the stairs, very aware that there are quite a few sets of eyes on me as I leave.
Whether those stares are from my being the first to finish or because of The Monarch forums, I have no idea, but either way, I’m getting better at ignoring them.
I didn’t get a chance to talk to Will before the test. He and his friends arrived just in time, all but bursting through the doors, hair wet and cheeks tinged pink as they hustled to their regular seats.
I’d been dreading having to talk to him in person today after bailing on him Saturday night. Now I can push it off until Wednesday.
Checking the time, I figure I can take the long way around to the dining hall and enjoy the last warm rays of the sun. Fall is well and truly here, and midterms are only a week away. It’s so weird to think that I’ve been a college student for over a month now.
The hallways are mostly empty as I make my way out of the math building. As soon as the fresh air hits my skin, I tip my head back and let the sun pour onto my face. I despise the fact that icy winds, below-forty temps, and fucking snow are around the corner.
Snowman making does not make up for the lack of warm sun. At all.
My thoughts circle back to my daddies and what I’m going to do about them as I start walking along the path. Xavier is back today, and I have my next session with Darcy tomorrow. There is an intense internal pressure to hurry up and make a decision already.
All the back and forth legitimately gave me a headache last night.
It’s exactly like EyesOnYou said—do I see my future with them in it?
The problem is, my picture-perfect future has my daddies from the weekend, before everything went wrong. Not the men who broke me apart.
I have a feeling it’s probably too late to protect my heart from them. Being this angry, frustrated, sad, and disappointed over four men I only spent a few days with really should have been a red flag, because I can’t even say that I know them. Because I don’t.
I know barely anything about them.
Have they ever been married? Do they have kids? Have their lives turned out the way they expected them to? What are their favorite colors? Do they have any pets? What’s the wildest thing they’ve ever done? What is the inspiration behind their tattoos? How did they meet?
I have a million more questions, and while I can probably attempt a few guesses, I don’t actually know the answers. And I’m desperate for them.
I think I might even be desperate enough to ask.
I’m definitely not ready to forgive them, though.
I just…I need more information. About everything. About them and about what I want.
Do I want them? Or the idealized version of them that I had?
Madam was right—doms don’t always get it right.
My daddies really did not get it right. Like, not even close.
And the question isn’t about whether I can forgive them, not really. Because I can forgive them but still choose not to have them in my life. And while my heart is screaming its demands at me, I can’t rely on it to help me make the right decision.
I need to gather more information. About them and about what I want for myself.
No more getting cold feet or letting opportunities slip by.
Action only.
My phone vibrates in my hand, still on silent mode, as Baxter Dining Hall comes into view.
Hudson: Kitten, if you could please come to my office after your class with Prof. Brown, I would like to return your journal to you. Let me know if you don’t remember how to find it.
With a stomach so full of butterflies that I’m not sure I can actually eat now, I enter the dining hall.
Well, I guess I’ll be putting my money where my mouth is and getting that information sooner than anticipated.