42. Love
LOVE
A huge weight came off my shoulders after that interaction with Lauren. I was sitting in the hospital feeling better than I had in days. We hadn’t spoken much in the last few hours, just been sitting here watching TV in silence. She changed positions, wincing in pain.
“How you feel, mama?” I extended my arm to touch her. She tapped my hand before pulling away.
“I’m okay baby. A little tired,” she replied, her voice weak.
“They told me your blood pressure was low,” I speculated, leaning back against the chair. My gaze shifted to her untouched food on the dinner tray. She didn’t eat it; said she lost her appetite from all the IV fluids.
“Yeah.” Her hands trembled. “I haven’t been taking care of myself.”
I wouldn’t lie, this was awkward. Me and mama didn’t talk like this, so I was surprised by her being so open. I figured if she’d talk to anybody about anything, it would be Valentine.
“It ain’t on you, mama. I’m supposed to look out for you,” I admitted, watching her shake her head.
“You not responsible for me, baby,” she protested. I wanted to speak up on it, but she silenced me.
“I need to apologize to you.” She sat up higher in the bed.
“No, you don’t mam—.” We needed to have this conversation, but it could wait until a better time.
“Yeah, I do.” She straightened the pillow behind her back before reaching over to grab my hand. “I’ve battled with schizophrenia since I was nineteen.”
“Huh?” I sat dumbfounded.
“Your father and I didn’t wanna tell you boys about this. We thought we had it under control.”
I was still reeling from the schizophrenia part. That would explain her mood swings and paranoia, however, out of all the shit, I would’ve never guessed that.
“Under control? Bullshit!” I snatched my hand back. “Mama, pops been gone for years. You don’t think that was something I needed to know about?” I spat. She took in the expression on my face, sighing.
“In hindsight, I should’ve handled it better. Your father was always good at making sure I took my medicine. I guess after he died, I let it spiral out of control.” Tears welled up in her eyes and, as much as I want to be mad at her for keeping secrets, I hated to see her like this.
“It’s okay, mama. Stop crying,” I proclaimed, grabbing her hand again.
Her grip was weak as she squeezed mine gently. “I’m so sorry for telling you to take the charge for your brother.”
My heart dropped in my chest, I almost forgot about that.
“Why did you?” I swallowed around the lump in my throat.
She let out a sigh. “You always believed I loved him more, but that’s so far from the truth baby.” I tried to move back further in my seat, but her hold on my hand was what kept me in place. “I love my baby but, since you were a little boy, you were always so much stronger than him.”
Shit, all that may have been true, but I still needed her just as much as he did.
“You are an amazing man, Love.” With a small smile, she dabbed her cheeks with the back of her hand. “So headstrong like your father. He would do anything to protect his family. I took my frustration and anger out on you because you reminded me so much of him. I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?”
I never thought I’d see the day when mama apologized. I was not making excuses for her but, from her point of view and now knowing her condition, I could understand some of her actions.
“Yeah, ma.” She let out a sigh of relief, releasing my hand. “I want you to take your medicine and see a therapist. Me and Valentine still need you.”
I could call a few therapists that we recommended for those on parole, see if one of them had an open appointment to see her as soon as possible.
“Speaking of Valentine, he’s in jail,” I slipped that in.
She touched my face. “I know, baby. I overheard someone in the hallway talking about the guy who shot the clerk was caught, figured it was him. He called you?”
I nodded, standing up to stretch my legs. “Yea, I got my lawyer on it. He’ll do what he can to get him out.” Grabbing her tray, I moved it towards her, pointing at the fruit cup. “Eat that at least.”
I went over to the window to look outside. Seeing how dark it was, I took out my phone to text Baby. I was finna get up out of here to go see her. We didn’t really talk all day, and that’s unacceptable.
Send me your location, or I’mma come find you.
“Oh! Trish, how you feeling?” Auntie Delia spoke as she ran in the room. Her ass came right on time.
Mama waved. “I’m fine, Lia. Don’t worry.”
She then looked over my way. “Are you leaving, baby?”
“Yes, ma’am.” Unplugging my charger from the wall, I walked to the other side of her bed.
“You going to see Baby?” Auntie Delia asked with a smile.
I muttered out a curse. Mama didn’t know nothing about her yet. I was gone wait another time to bring her up.
“Who’s Baby?” she asked, her gaze moved between us in wonder.
“Love’s girlfriend.”
I wish auntie would just shut the fuck up. Before I could open my mouth, she answering for me. I cut my eyes at her. “Auntie, come on now.”
Her shoulders shrugged like she did nothing wrong. My phone vibrated in my hand, and I peered down at the screen.
I’m home, but now is not a good time. I’ll call you, okay?
I sucked my teeth. She got me fucked up if she thought I was not finna go check up on her. If she had company, that’s cool. I still needed to lay eyes on her to make sure she’s good. When I glanced up, both mama and Auntie Delia were looking at me.
“You have a girlfriend, baby?” Mama questioned with a grin. I bent down to kiss her forehead.
“I’ll tell you all about her later,” I promised, making my way out the door.
“Okay, tell her I said hello.” I heard her yell from behind me. Mama seemed like a completely different person right now. I hope she stayed that way.
I pressed the button for the elevator and waited. Flipping my hat around, I stepped into the crowded space when the doors finally opened. My phone vibrated again, and when I looked down, Messiah’s name popped up.
A nigga didn’t feel comfortable speaking in front of all these people, and I started not to answer. However, he supposed to be on the lookout for Tank’s ass, so this could be that call.
“Sup,” I answered.
“Love, I need you to come asap. The connect in Mexico just touched down and wanna meet with us.”
His voice echoed frantically through the phone. This wasn’t a good time. I was more worried about Baby than that muthafucka here.
“Can it wait? I got somewhere to be.” It wasn’t a good look for me to miss our first meeting but, hell, I’m sure Messiah could handle himself.
“Nah, nigga. This our one shot to let this man know we’re serious. You got to be there.”
Guess not. Damn it! I sighed, running my hand down my face. This the part of the game I hated, making sacrifices.
“Alright, send me the address,” I gave in, hanging up. The sooner this got done, the sooner I could check on my wife.