Chapter Eleven
SOPHIE
Getting into the car in the parking lot of the diner, my hands still shake from the adrenaline of my confrontation with Carter. I type out a text to Abbie.
Me: SOS. Carter drama. Come for lunch?
Hitting send, I watch as the message is marked “delivered”, then make the drive back to the flower shop. I’m fuming, and I need someone to vent to.
The nerve of him.
Showing up to my weekly breakfast with Tom and Jordan, and telling Jordan he might still end up being his uncle? What the hell is that about?
Can he honestly think that’s still a possibility? After he ghosted me? Left me? Cheated on me?
Does he believe one earth-shattering, time-stopping, panty-melting kiss is enough to erase all the damage he’s done?
Yet when I left, the look on his face was one of genuine confusion. I’ve known him almost all our lives, I can tell when an expression is genuine.
When I park at the shop, I’m all out of sorts. Irritated by my conversation with Carter but feeling a seed of doubt about what happened so long ago, I slam my car door harder than I mean to.
My voice is unintentionally harsh when I walk in and see Kerry tending to some arrangements. “Any customers?”
She shakes her head, her brow furrowed. “Only one. Are you okay Sophie? You seem… on edge.”
Sighing, I walk to the register and toss my bag under the counter. “I’m fine, just some personal stuff going on.”
She gives me a small, understanding smile. “Okay, well if you if you need anything?—”
Her words are cut off by the sharp ring of a bell, closely followed by the bang of the door as it hits the wall behind it.
Kerry jumps in surprise, and I only roll my eyes at the figure in the doorway.
“You’re over an hour early, Abbs.”
“Sophie Hartwell. You cannot send me an SOS text about Carter and expect me to wait until lunch. Plus, I didn’t have any patients scheduled anyway.”
“Kerry, we’re going to go into the back.” I peer around Abbie, who is looking at me with an impatient expression. Her brown hair is in two short French braids, her blue scrubs making her honey-brown eyes pop.
Kerry waves me off from her space near the arrangements. “I’ve got it.”
When we reach the back, I flop into the seat at the desk that holds the office computer, and Abbie stands across from me, leaning against the table where we work on our flower arrangements.
She crosses her arm and raises an eyebrow. “Spill. Now.”
So I do. The arguments, the tension, and that kiss…
“Was it good?” Her expression tells me she thinks she already knows the answer.
“I—was it… what?” I sputter. Of course I fucking enjoyed it. But I’ll be damned if I give that information up willingly. “What do you mean, was it good? It’s not like I told him to kiss me, he just… grabbed me, and things got out of hand. Nothing else happened. I left after.”
She doesn’t need to know that one kiss was enough to get me so hot and bothered that I came in the shower with his name on my lips.
The skeptical look on her face says she already knows more than I’m saying out loud. “So you’re telling me that Carter Williams—your first love, high school sweetheart, and hottie hockey god—kissed you… and not just kissed you, but grabbed you and all but claimed your mouth with the burning, pent up passion of nine years of longing, and you didn’t enjoy it?”
Well, fuck, when she puts it like that…
Nuh uh.
No way.
Denial may be a river in Egypt, but I’m going to stay for as long as possible. “Nope.” I pop the “p” and stand up from my chair, crossing my arms to match her stance. “I would never enjoy anything with Carter. He had his chance, and he blew it.”
Abbie rolls her eyes at me. Her silence is unsettling, and I keep talking just to fill it, reminding myself why what I just said is true.
“I mean, the nerve of him! I tell him what’s bothering me, and he acts like he doesn’t even know what I’m talking about! Like he didn’t leave me for Notre Dame without telling me, cheat on me, and then not even bother to show up for Sarah’s funeral. Tom needed him, and is somehow still friends with the guy after it all, and acts like it’s no big deal. How can he think things can just… go back to the way they were?”
Abbie frowns, tapping her fingers on her arm like she’s thinking. “You’re right. You would think Tom would be just as upset that Carter didn’t come back to town after the accident… maybe things aren’t as they seem. Have you talked to Tom? I can’t help but think…” She sighs, shaking her head. “It was obvious how in love the two of you were. How happy. The love and adoration in his eyes when he would look at you was almost nauseating. I just don’t think he would have hurt you like that without a good reason.”
I hadn’t thought so either. “Yeah, well, he did,” I say bitterly.
“That's why I think something happened. Or changed, or… something.”
“Something changed alright…” I murmur, remembering vividly the way my heart was ripped out of my chest on the day of graduation.
“Oh my god, is that Carter? I thought he was still with Sophie.”
The words from the girl sitting in front of me have my heart pounding in my chest.
Just a moment ago, I had been close to tears, thinking about how utterly wrong it was that we were having a graduation ceremony without Carter. Sure, I’d hardly heard from him the last two months, and there had been complete silence the last two weeks, but he was so busy at Notre Dame and his dad was there, making sure he stayed focused.
Even though he’d graduated early, it was still Carter’s official graduation ceremony too. I had really thought he’d fly out here for it. We had always talked about finally graduating high school together. I had planned to take a picture of us kissing in our caps and gowns so we would always remember the day.
“I didn’t know he’d ditched Sophie. I can’t believe he would let this new chick tag him like that.” The girl passes her phone to the person next to her, heads close together as they gossip.
Heart pounding, I lift my graduation gown enough to pull my phone out and look up Carter’s socials. He’s been tagged in four different pictures. The first one, the one that makes me feel like I’m going to throw up in the middle of the administration calling students to the stage for their diplomas, is the most damning.
It’s a shot of him immediately following a practice, if his red face and sweaty hair are any indication. There’s a girl, dressed in a jersey with his number on it and leggings, leaning up and kissing the corner of his mouth.
The mouth that would say such sweet things to me and kiss me until I couldn’t breathe.
My heartbeat pounds in my ears as I scroll through the other pictures.
This can’t be happening.
The rest of the photos are of a party, and Carter is in the background, surrounded by not only the puck bunny from the first picture but multiple others.
They were all uploaded today. My vision blurs and tears hit my phone screen. How many times had he told me, “It’s you and me, Soph.” or said that we would always be together?
Why would he do this to us?
“Look, Carter was loyal.” Abbie’s words snap me out of the memory. “All throughout high school, girls tried to get his attention, and he only had eyes for you. I don’t think that just… changed. A picture is worth a thousand words, but they aren’t always the words we believe they are. Just… think about it, okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Fine,” I say tightly, not wanting to admit she was right. Of course, that didn’t stop everyone at school from asking me what happened with Carter and me. If we had broken up before or after the pictures were posted. Seeing a way to escape with a little less embarrassment, I told them we had broken up a month before. Nobody except Abbie and Gwen knows the truth.
Even my parents don’t know the whole story, which is probably why they still love him. I’ve fielded no less than twelve texts since he got back into town from Mom, asking me if I’ve seen him yet.
Abbie left shortly after since she got here too early for lunch and only gets an hour break, and I spent the rest of the workday in a haze, running our conversation through my mind. At some point Kerry had brought me something from the cafe a few doors down, and I ate it absently, mulling over our conversation.
Is it possible I’ve had it wrong the last nine years? My thoughts ping-pong between Carter was just as in love with me as I was with him , and absolutely not. Even if the pictures were misleading, he never had allowed anything like that to happen before .
After graduation, I questioned everything about our relationship. Could he have been unhappy the entire time we were together? Did I imagine how deep our connection went? Did I do something wrong?
So many hours were spent agonizing over it, but a year later, I pushed it all to the back of my mind, determined to never speak to or see Carter’s face again.
Things with Carter had been good. After all this time, after all of the years of wondering in the back of my mind where we went wrong… what if there’s a reason ?
The thought runs repeatedly through my mind for the rest of the day, even as I leave Kerry to close up the shop and drive to pick Jordan up from Theo’s house since Tom was still busy at the rink. Grabbing pizzas on the way home—one Hawaiian and one pepperoni pizza as always—since there is no way I’m cooking after the day I’ve had, we hang out and wait for Tom to get home shortly after.
While I enjoy the comfort of our routine, Abbie’s words never leave my head. Once dinner and homework are done, and Jordan heads upstairs to get ready for bed, the words spill out of me.
“Tom?”
“Yeah, Soph?” Tom looks up to meet my eyes.
How am I going to word this? I want to be sensitive, but I also can’t tiptoe around this subject any longer.
“How…” I sigh, shaking my head. This is harder than I thought. “How can you be friends with Carter after everything? He never even showed when everything happened. I thought at least if he didn’t show up for me, he’d come for you.”
“Hmm.” Tom’s mouth forms a tight line as he drums his fingers on the table. He seems lost in thought. I’m about to tell him never mind when he finally speaks, not meeting my eyes. “Things were hard… back then. For everyone. Your eyes were red on that graduation stage, and then the accident happened, but we weren’t the only ones having shit hit the fan. I get where you’re coming from, Sophie. I really do. But…”
He takes a breath and looks at me from across the table, his blue eyes swirling with emotion. “Listen, it’s not my story to tell. But you should talk to Carter. It may not fix everything, or anything, really. But it won’t hurt.”
My mouth opens to demand an explanation, but before anything comes out, he continues, “Above all else, I want you to be happy. Trust me, if Carter was truly a bad guy, I wouldn’t still be friends with him.”
He had his reasons? Reasons legitimate enough that Tom understands?
I consider a moment, resisting the urge to smother the spark of hope in my chest. Is it possible that he didn’t rip out my heart because he’s an asshole? He’s been the villain in my mind for so long, but Tom wouldn’t lie to me. He’s always come through for me. Maybe I need to listen to him now.
Once in my room, I open my desk drawer, reaching all the way into the back. There, folded so small, it’s the size of a silver dollar, is the note that Carter left for me after his dad forced him to leave early for Notre Dame.
I had reread this letter so many times the first month he was gone, the ink splotched out where the creases of the folds are. I remember sitting across from Carter’s mom at their kitchen table, and she handed me the note. The first few lines jump out at me now:
Hey Soph,
If you’re reading this, it means I didn’t get a chance to tell you all this in person, and for that, I’m really sorry. First up, I need you to know that I love you.
My dad made me come home last night, and dropped the bomb that not only am I admitted to Notre Dame, but I’m being pre-drafted for the NHL, which is huge. I’m really sorry I didn’t straight up tell you about Notre Dame. I didn’t think I’d even get in.
I also didn’t think my dad would drag me out to Indiana months before school starts, so maybe we can’t trust my judgment anymore. He took my phone so I’m not “distracted”, though I’m not sure what there is to focus on during a thirteen hour drive besides my phone. You know how my dad can be.
I’m going to look into local colleges for you while I’m here, and see if there’s a place where they post summer jobs for both of us. He can’t keep us apart, Sophie, I won’t let him. No matter what he says, I’m my own man, and I want what I want—and I want you. Always.
Hang tight, Soph. I’ll figure this out. I don’t care if I have to use an office phone or borrow one of my teammates phones, I’ll be in touch. I need to hear your voice.
Remember, it’s you and me, Soph.
Love,
Carter
We had been so in love.
I had been so fucking sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.
Abbie’s on to something. Between this letter, the nature of our entire relationship, and his actions following his move to Notre Dame, it doesn’t all add up.
The more I think about it, the more it seems something must have happened.
What will it mean for us, if it turns out Abbie and Tom are right? Part of me is afraid to find out and put my heart on the line again.
Regardless, I have to talk to Carter. I’ll just have to guard my heart until I know the truth.