Chapter 7 #2
‘Oh no, I couldn’t gatecrash your time with your nephews.
’ Even as she said it, knowing that she should get as far away from Tristan as she could, before he went to meet the boys, the urge to see them up close was already winning the war.
Ollie and Tom might not really be Tristan’s nephews, but they were hers.
If they knew they had an auntie at all, they’d have been told her name was Briony.
But whatever name they knew her by, she doubted very much they’d been told anything positive about her.
Meeting the boys was a ridiculous idea, yet it was what she wanted more than anything else in the world.
‘Of course you can. We can take them for ice cream at Molina’s and they’ll definitely have recommendations about the best flavours, because they’ve tried them all.
’ Tristan’s smiled broadened every time he spoke about the boys, and that just made her like him more.
‘We might even be able to persuade their older brother, Henry, to meet us after he gets off the bus back from secondary school.’
‘Are you sure they won’t think it’s weird, me tagging along?
’ Holly shouldn’t be doing this. Her heart was thudding in her ears at the thought of finally meeting her sister’s children and all the drama that could end up unleashing, but she just couldn’t turn down the opportunity she might never get again.
‘Of course not. It’ll be far more fun than just hanging out with boring old Uncle Triss.’
‘I doubt you could ever be boring.’ Once again, the words were out of Holly’s mouth before she could stop them.
She seemed to be incapable of preventing herself from doing and saying things she shouldn’t, if she wanted to leave Port Agnes without a trace of ever having been back.
It would all be okay, as long as Bex didn’t discover the truth.
However much she might wish she could stay longer, she knew she had to leave before that became inevitable.
Tom was waiting for Holly’s response to his question, his eyes that were so unnervingly like hers, never leaving her face.
She hadn’t been able to remove her sunglasses, even when they’d been inside the ice cream shop, because if Tristan had looked at her and Tom, sat side by side, it would have been a dead giveaway.
They both had the same shape and colour of eyes as Bex did, it was the one thing that had marked the two of them out as sisters, when they were so different in many other ways.
They probably looked more alike now that she had dyed her hair a darker shade, similar to Bex’s, but it was the eyes that could risk revealing everything.
Tom had the same sort of effervescent personality as Holly had shared at his age, when she’d oozed confidence and had been certain that one day she’d win an Oscar, or at the very least have her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
The world had been filled with endless possibilities back then and she’d been enthusiastic about almost everything, just like Tom seemed to be.
Although right now his passions were all pretty much focused on her verdict about the ice cream he’d recommended to her.
‘You were absolutely right, Tom. Pecan and salted caramel ice cream is the very best thing ever to have been invented.’ She returned his delighted grin, wishing she could push her sunglasses off her face and look him in the eyes, as they stood outside the ice cream shop.
She wanted this moment to be as memorable for the boys as it was for her, but it never could be.
She was just their Uncle Triss’s friend, not even that really, tagging along for an ice cream after school on an ordinary Tuesday afternoon.
They’d never know that she was their aunt and that she’d dreamt of this moment for years; the aching void she felt about missing out on so much of their lives both heightened and relieved by finally getting to meet them.
She wanted to wrap her arms around them both and tell them that, even though she didn’t know them, she loved them, and that she had done from the moment she knew they existed.
But she couldn’t do any of those things.
‘I knew you’d love it. Ollie always tries to make out that rum and raisin is the best, but that’s just because he thinks it’s actually got alcohol in it, what a chicken nugget!’ Tom roared with laughter, earning him an elbow in the ribs from his older brother.
‘I like mango and passionfruit best, fart face!’
‘Hey, hey, there’s no need for insults, boys.
’ Tristan looked as if he was having to suppress a smile despite his intervention in the boys’ heated debate, and so was she.
She remembered this kind of sibling rivalry, where the lines between love and hate were so blurred it was almost impossible to differentiate, and things could move between the two in an instant.
As she and Bex had got older, the love aspect had grown far stronger and the flashes of conflict of their childhood seemed to be over.
In truth, there’d never been that many issues and they’d never lasted long, because they’d both looked out for one another, and Bex had been like a second mum whenever Briony had needed one.
But then Liam had come into her sister’s life, and she’d known from the outset that it was going to cause trouble, except it had turned out to be far more catastrophic than she’d ever imagined.
She didn’t want to think about any of that right now though.
She just wanted to soak up these moments with her nephews, even if they’d never know the relationship they shared.
‘I think mango and passionfruit sounds amazing too. So I might need to try that one next time. Or maybe I’ll even go back and get some later.’
‘Two ice creams in one day? That would be so good!’ Tom was looking at her with newfound admiration.
‘I’ll let you into a secret. I once ate five chocolate brownies in one sitting, so two ice creams would be easy.’ Holly shrugged, before catching Tristan’s eye. ‘Although on that basis it’s probably just as well that I’m not a parent.’
The words had been intended to be light-hearted, but somehow, they’d made her chest tighten in a way that had taken her by surprise.
She’d come to terms with the fact that having a family of her own wasn’t what she was destined to do.
Or at least she thought she had, but looking at these two boys – her sister’s sons – it felt like she’d lost the chance of something precious, despite the fact she’d told herself it wasn’t something she wanted.
‘I wish my mum would let us have five brownies.’ Tom licked his lips at the prospect.
‘Even two would be pretty good,’ his brother added, and both boys nodded, for once seeming to agree on something.
‘How about we go and get a bit of exercise before we think about any more food?’ Tristan turned towards the boys as he spoke. ‘We could go for a walk on the beach.’
‘Walking is boring and I’ve been doing it all day at school. I’m exhausted.’ Tom gave a theatrical sigh and this time neither Tristan nor Holly could suppress their smiles.
‘We could always go and make some sand angels on the beach. Me and my sister used to do it all the time, and we always had a competition to see who could make the best one.’
‘Will there be a prize?’ Ollie cocked his head on to one side, his interest clearly piqued.
‘How about I go and get a couple of brownies from Mehenick’s Bakery and we make those the prizes?’ She might not be a parent, but she was wise enough to know that both boys would need to be awarded a brownie in order to avoid the outbreak of World War III.
‘Yay!’ Tom and Ollie hollered the same response, already turning towards the beach.
‘Oh, you’ve started something now. We’re going to have to run to keep up with them.
’ Tristan was smiling as he spoke. ‘They’re competitive at the best of times, but they’ve definitely taken a shine to you.
I think that means that impressing you is going to be even more important than winning that brownie. ’
‘They’re great kids and don’t worry, I’ll make sure they both get a brownie.
’ As Holly spoke, a man stepped out of a shop doorway about twenty feet in front of them and she inhaled sharply, turning on her heel and flattening herself against the window of the gift shop they’d just passed, praying that Ken would walk in the opposite direction to them.
‘Do you want to catch us up?’ Tristan asked, having realised she’d stopped dead. ‘I need to stay with the boys, but if you want to have a look around the shops I’ll go on ahead.’
Holding her breath, she looked out of the corner of her eye to see where her stepfather was, her whole body flooding with relief when she realised he had gone the other way.
If he’d spotted Tristan, he’d have been certain to greet him and then there’d have been no chance of him failing to spot Holly.
For a few seconds the relief continued to wash over her, before another emotion slammed into her chest, taking her breath away for a second time.
Her parents were away on a month-long cruise, at least that’s what her mother had told her.
It was why they’d had to reluctantly decline when she’d suggested they meet up closer to home this time, just over the border in Devon.
She hadn’t planned to tell them about her visit to Cornwall, not wanting to get their hopes up, or for them to try and persuade her to visit Port Agnes to see Bex.
She’d assumed they’d want that, but they hadn’t even wanted to see her.
So much so, that they’d resorted to lying about being away.
She’d been the black sheep of the family for sixteen years, but she’d always felt confident that her parents loved her unconditionally, no matter how much damage her actions might have caused.
Now she felt like a pariah, and it was all she could do not to burst into tears.
Instead, she gritted her teeth and turned to look at Tristan, forcing a smile she was certain must look every bit as strained as it felt.
‘Sorry, I just stopped because I realised if I don’t get the brownies now, the bakery might be shut. You go on ahead and I’ll catch you up.’
‘No problem.’ Tristan hesitated for a moment. ‘But are you sure you’re okay? You look a bit… I don’t know, out of sorts.’
‘I’m fine, just a bit of an ice cream headache. I’ll grab some paracetamol from the shop after I’ve got the brownies and meet you down on the beach.’
‘See you in a bit.’ He reached out and briefly touched her arm, before breaking into a run to catch up with the boys, and Holly rested her forehead against the shop window, the rush of breath she released steaming up the glass.
She didn’t belong here and no one wanted her to come back, as much as it might still feel like home.
When you set fire to your life as spectacularly as she had, it shouldn’t be a surprise to discover there are only ashes left.
Holly just hadn’t expected to be able to taste them in her mouth.