Chapter 8 #2
‘All I’m going to say is that life can sometimes lead you to places you never expected it to.’ There was no judgement in Gwen’s tone and her words seemed to hold all the more gravitas because of it. ‘So you just need to be prepared to face whatever might happen as a result.’
‘Nothing could possibly be worse that the prospect of losing Mum and, as for my relationship with Briony, that was broken beyond repair a very long time ago, so I can’t see how anything that might happen between us could possibly make that worse.’
‘Well then, you seem to have a plan A and a plan B.’ Gwen put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed.
It was a gentle gesture of affection so Bex couldn’t have begun to explain the sense of unease that lingered even after the older woman had removed her hand.
It was probably because she’d been given a warning she’d chosen not to heed and, whatever the consequences of that might be, she’d just have to deal with them.
Holly should have been busy filming a video to post on her social media platforms. ‘Woody’s Words of Wisdom’ was something she posted every Wednesday, mostly because the alliteration of doing it on Wednesdays was irresistible.
It had quickly become her most popular kind of content.
Every week she would post a reflection on what she had learned about her life on the road.
She covered all kinds of topics from how freeing it was to rid herself of most of her personal possessions to live more simply, to giving advice on the options for earning money in non-conventional – but still entirely legal – ways.
The hashtag #WoodysWordsofWisdom had begun trending on the social media platforms she used from the third video she’d posted, and now she never missed a week.
Usually, it was easy to find something to talk about.
There’d always be some interaction in the course of seven days that sparked an idea.
But this week, for the first time ever, she felt as though she had absolutely nothing to say.
Originally, she’d intended to post about the concept of ‘home’ and what that might mean to different people.
She’d felt sure that being back in Port Agnes and venturing into the village itself would spark an idea, and maybe it would have done if things had worked out differently.
She’d been having such a good time getting to know her nephews a little bit and the thought of making sand angels on the beach with them had immediately taken her back to the first time she and Bex had done it.
Local children often bemoaned the fact that snowfall in Cornwall was a rare occurrence and so opportunities to build a snowman or have a snowball fight were few and far between.
It had been their mother who’d come up with the idea of making the beach into a winter wonderland of sorts for the local children.
They could build a snowman out of sand, with enough water and a little bit of ingenuity.
Sand-balls would definitely have been a risky idea, so instead she’d bought a huge bag of foam balls and the children had been able to throw them at one another.
Snow angels were replaced with sand angels, and it had been an idea that had caught on in Port Agnes and beyond.
It wasn’t something that she and Bex had limited to the winter, either.
So the fact that it was spring now was no barrier as far as Holly was concerned.
She’d felt a twinge of sadness that the boys didn’t seem to have heard of the tradition, so it clearly wasn’t something their mum did with them, but it could have been their thing; hers and the boys.
Even if her nephews weren’t aware of it, she’d be able to hold that thought close to her heart once she left Port Agnes again, and maybe they’d remember her because of it.
All of that had made her feel so happy to be home again, but then she’d spotted Ken and she’d been confronted with her parents’ lie about being away on a cruise, in a way that had made if feel as though she’d been slapped around the face with a wet fish.
The idea of talking about home felt ridiculous now.
One of the things she’d planned to say was that home wasn’t necessarily a place, it could be a person, or even a feeling.
But she didn’t have anyone to call home, unless you counted Merlin and Woody, not even her parents.
They’d chosen to lie to her rather than spend time with her, and the only feelings she’d been left with were sadness and loneliness.
The void that had seemed to open up in her chest at the sight of Ken had caused her physical pain, as if her heart really had been ripped out.
But the worst of it was that she only had herself to blame.
She’d made a stupid mistake, catastrophic even, by coming between Bex and Liam.
Any fool could have seen how that was going to play out, but she’d convinced herself that it was for the best and that it would all work out; however, she couldn’t have been more wrong.
After that, even when people had tried to get close to her, she’d pushed them away.
Gray and Janey had been the exception, but they had their own lives, naturally prioritising time with their family and focusing on their business, and they probably rarely gave her a second thought in between the messages they exchanged.
Since heading out on the road, she’d never formed a bond that tight again and she was starting to feel like she never would.
Holly had a million followers across the social media platforms she used, who commented on her posts and chatted with her as if they were great mates, and yet she didn’t have a single real friend she could call right now and offload to about how she was feeling.
There was no one who’d tell her it was all going to be okay and that none of the awful things she was thinking, about how pointless her existence was, were true, or to reassure her that tomorrow would be a brighter day.
She had to watch other strangers online to hear those kind of things, and try to convince herself that their messages of hope were aimed at her.
Maybe that was why her videos were so popular, because hundreds of thousands of other people didn’t have anyone they could talk to either.
The thought did nothing to comfort her. Even if loneliness was an epidemic, it didn’t change how hard it was to deal with, especially when she knew she’d brought it on herself.
Standing up, Holly lifted up the lid of the bench seat and pulled out a well-thumbed photo album.
It was one of the old-fashioned kinds, with sticky sheets of plastic protecting the photographs and holding them in place.
Her mother had put the album together as part of her eighteenth birthday gift, having done the same thing for Bex three years before.
It was like a potted history of her childhood, and it was her most treasured possession.
Living in a van might mean she didn’t have much space, but she’d always make room for this.
She’d kept it safe during the eighteen months she’d spent on a canal boat, when she’d lived in a caravan in Scotland and everywhere else she’d called home in the last sixteen years, no matter how temporary.
Since buying Woody, she’d sat curled up, looking through that old photo album, more times than she could count.
It was bittersweet looking at the photographs of her, Bex and their mum, when they’d been each other’s everything, long before either Liam or Ken had arrived.
She adored her stepfather, but it had still felt odd to allow someone into their close-knit little family.
The things their biological father had put them through and the lies he’d told had made the three of them even closer, so trusting Ken had taken a huge leap of faith, and it wasn’t one Holly had been able to take nearly as easily as her mother or sister had seemed to.
She lingered on a photograph taken on her first day of secondary school.
She was wearing a blazer that had clearly been bought with the intention of still fitting her when she did her A levels.
Even now she could remember being told to smile for the camera, but her mouth hadn’t wanted to comply, because of the nerves that had been bubbling up just below the surface.
She’d been terrified about the prospect of starting ‘big school’ and she’d felt more like bursting in to tears than smiling, but then Bex had reached out and linked her arm through Holly’s, and she’d immediately felt a thousand times better.
Having Bex by her side had been all she’d ever needed to feel safe and, if home really was a person, her sister had been it.
As Holly went to turn the page now, a wet nose pushed against her arm, gently at first, then a bit more urgently.
‘Okay, Merlin, I know, I know. It’s dinner time, sweetheart, isn’t it?
’ Holly busied herself getting the dog’s food, hoping that focusing on something else would help her to shake off the melancholy that seemed to have deepened from looking at the photographs, but the ache in her chest didn’t seem ready to go anywhere.
Then, just as she set down the dog’s food, her phone pinged with a text. It was from Tristan.
Tristan
Hey Holly. I just wanted to say what a great time I had today. The boys loved it too and their dad said they haven’t stopped talking about you since he picked them up. I can’t say I’m surprised, you make quite the impression. Hope we can get together again soon xx
She wanted to reply and tell him she’d had a great time too, and to apologise if she’d seemed a bit out of sorts on the beach.
She’d done her best not to let her feelings show after she’d spotted Ken, and she’d still joined in with Tristan and the boys in making sand angels, delivering on the promised brownies, but knowing that her parents had chosen to lie to her, rather than spend time with her, had undoubtedly weighed her down.
She’d been convinced they’d picked up on it, but perhaps all those years of ‘acting’ the part of the carefree nomad had paid off.
So instead, she kept her response short and sweet.
Holly
I had great fun too and the boys are brilliant. Thanks for showing me around xx
She’d deliberated about whether or not to include the kisses, but it had felt cold not to reciprocate when Tristan had put them on his message and, the truth was, he felt like the closest thing she had to a friend right now.
Yet she hadn’t even known Tristan a week, which was pretty tragic when she thought about it.
She couldn’t bring herself to respond to his comment about seeing him again, because she knew she couldn’t, even though she wanted to.
Closing the door on that would have felt like pushing away the only friend she had left in Cornwall, and she couldn’t face doing that, despite knowing she had to get out of Port Agnes as soon as possible.
Although it turned out her response had left the door a little bit too open.
Tristan
How about a proper tour of the farm tomorrow? The spring lambs are adorable, and you’ll really be missing a trick not to get some footage of them for your social media. Maybe we can take Merlin and Casper for a walk together afterwards too? xx
Holly stared at the message for a moment. Tristan was right. Content like that at this time of year would be hugely popular and she couldn’t afford to get complacent. It was why she was going to have to force herself to record a Woody’s Words of Wisdom slot whether she wanted to or not.
Holly
Okay, thanks, that would be great. Just let me know what time xx
She should have pushed for them to do the tour in the morning really, because her plan had been to get back on the road tomorrow, and she wanted to be at her next base by the time it got dark.
She’d been thinking about visiting an area of the Brecon Beacons, where the carpet of bluebells at this time of year would make the perfect backdrop for new content.
She could hike to some of the waterfalls with Merlin, who’d always loved water in every form.
If she wanted to set up camp there by tomorrow night, she should leave by lunchtime.
But if Tristan came back to her and suggested they get together in the afternoon, she’d just have to see it as fate deciding that tomorrow wasn’t when she should leave.
What was one more day? It was part of the joy of a lifestyle like hers – that she had the freedom to change her schedule whenever she felt like it.
Maybe she could talk about that in her ‘Woody’s Words of Wisdom’ slot this week instead; it would make her feel far less of a fraud than trying to wax lyrical about the concept of home.
She hadn’t had one of those for sixteen years and she couldn’t imagine that she ever would again.