Chapter 20 #3
‘I told you why I did it. To stop you making the worst mistake of your life.’ Briony sighed deeply, pausing as if she expected Bex to interrupt her, the way she had every other time Briony had tried to explain, but this time Bex stayed silent.
After a moment or two, Briony continued.
‘I tried to tell you so many times that Liam was a cheat, and that he was going to let you down, but you just couldn’t seem to see it.
I was watching history repeating itself: you fighting to be loved by a man who didn’t begin to deserve you, just like you’d done with our father.
I couldn’t stand the thought of you being hurt again, or ending up with a life like Mum’s, so I had to do what it took to force you to face the truth.
Whether you really believe it or not, I didn’t sleep with Liam, but I had to make him feel like I desperately wanted to, and that you were the only thing standing in our way.
I had to make him want that enough to end things with you.
I promised him the world and told him he was the best thing in it, teasing enough of what was to come for him to be willing to throw away everything he had with you, because I knew you’d never believe me otherwise. ’
‘I wouldn’t have.’ As hard as it had been to hear that Briony hadn’t even needed to sleep with Liam for him to be willing to walk away from the life he’d planned with Bex, she had no doubt any more that her sister was telling the truth.
Briony had begged her again and again to listen to her concerns about Liam, but she wouldn’t do it.
She’d chosen to believe that Briony had deliberately set out to hurt her, because it was easier than admitting how wrong she’d been about Liam, and how easy it had been for her sister to turn his head.
It had made Bex feel worthless, exactly the way their father had made her feel, and she hadn’t wanted Briony to try and explain any of that away back then.
She’d wanted to wallow in the pain, so that she wouldn’t have to acknowledge her own part in any of it; how many red flags she’d ignored, and how much convincing someone like Liam propose to her had felt like validation, after all the years of rejection from her father.
‘That’s why I’m not sorry for what I did.
’ Briony’s arms were folded across her chest in a defensive stance that was so like their mother’s, but for all her determined tone, there were tears rolling down her face.
‘Despite the fact it cost me our relationship, it felt like it was worth it. Especially when Mum told me about you meeting Matt, and then when the boys started to arrive. You were getting the life I always wanted you to have, and even though it hurt like hell that I wasn’t part of it, I was still glad I’d done it. ’
‘Oh, Briony.’ Bex’s hand flew to her mouth.
There were a thousand sliding door moments in life, most of which she’d never even know about, that had determined the course of her existence.
Briony had taken one of those sliding doors and forced it open, enabling Bex to walk through it, away from a relationship that she now recognised as toxic, and onto the path that had led her to Matt and their boys.
‘I’m sorry. I should have listened and given you the chance to explain, and it’s cost us all so much time together. ’
‘I don’t think anyone could blame you for the way you reacted, I know I didn’t.
’ Briony’s voice was barely more than a whisper on the gentle evening breeze.
The air around them still warm. It was going to be a humid night.
‘I always knew it might backfire on me and cost me our relationship, but I still thought it was worth saving you from the pain I knew Liam would eventually bring to your door, especially if there were children involved.’
‘I wouldn’t have my boys without you, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that. After Mum’s op, I just wanted to forget what had happened and for us to move on, but I can see now it was just me being in denial again, because I don’t want to face the truth.’
‘What truth?’ Briony’s eyes widened, as if she was afraid that Bex was suddenly going to turn things around on her again, but she couldn’t have been more wrong.
‘That it was me, not you, who cost us the last sixteen years and, even worse, that it’s because of me you’re all on your own.
’ The revelation knocked the wind out of Bex’s lungs, making it hard to breathe.
She’d been pushing down the thought that this might be true for weeks, but it was the first time she’d said the words out loud, except when Briony had been in the ICU.
There’d been no reaction from her sister then, but this time she forced herself to look into Briony’s eyes, so she could see Bex meant every word, because she did.
If they were ever going to truly have a fresh start, she had to be totally honest, including with herself.
This wasn’t all Briony’s fault, it never had been, and deep down Bex had known that from the beginning.
It had just been easier to blame her sister than to face up to the fact that her own insecurities had almost led to her marrying a man who didn’t love her, and she’d known that deep down too.
She’d just wanted to believe she could make Liam love her, the way her father never had, and his proposal had felt like proof that she was winning a game that she should never have started playing.
But if she’d expected her confession to change everything for her sister, the way it had for her, she was in for a disappointment.
‘I choose to be on my own.’ Briony hugged her arms around herself even more tightly than before, but Bex wasn’t buying it. Some people loved a life of solitude, but she’d seen how much Briony adored her nephews and how she’d lit up every time Tristan was in the room.
‘Maybe you do, but what I want to know is why?’ She scanned her sister’s face, and she could almost see the cogs working, as Briony clearly fought to come up with an explanation, but then she sighed.
‘I might have been able to see through Liam, but I couldn’t trust myself not to end up with a version of our father.
I needed you there to warn me off when I was about to make a mistake, so it was easier just not to bother.
I decided I’d rather be lonely on my own, than lonely in a relationship, and I know how easy it is to find yourself in that situation.
We watched Mum do it, and I watched you do it with Liam.
I didn’t want to risk it, and I decided the only men I needed in my life were Woody and Merlin. ’
‘Well, it’s too late to go back to that now. You’ve got my boys in your life forever, whether you like it or not, and they’ll never forgive me if I don’t take you back home.’
‘They’re lovely boys, but I just bring trouble, you know that.
Just let me go back to my lonely little life, because you were right when you warned Tristan off.
The chances are either I’ll let him down, or he’ll break my heart, and I can’t bear the thought of either of those things happening.
’ Briony sounded so defeated, as if there was no possible way she could envisage her life turning out well, and she deserved so much more than that.
It was breaking Bex’s heart that she couldn’t see that, and she was going to do whatever it took to change her sister’s mind.
‘Are you really telling me you want to walk away from me and the boys?’ Bex forced herself to hold Briony’s gaze, terrified that she might spot a flicker of doubt in her sister’s eyes, or worse still, a nod of agreement.
‘Of course I don’t.’ Briony threw up her hands in exasperation.
‘The idea of walking away from you all is unbearable and I want every single one of you in my life, but I’m scared because I want what you’ve got with Matt, and I’m terrified that I won’t be able to stop myself from showing that, or doing something to jeopardise your happiness, and that’s going to make you hate me all over again. ’
‘You want Matt?’ Bex’s eyes widened in surprise and for the first time Briony laughed.
‘No! I want a partner and a family, but I know I’m never going to get it because of the sort of person I am.
I’m frightened that my longing for what you’ve already got will drive a wedge between us.
I’m not saying I think for a moment any of that could ever happen with Tristan, but he’s the first person I’ve met in forever who I felt willing to take a chance on.
Except if I stay, and things between me and Tristan end in disaster, as they’re bound to do, it’s going to have an impact on you and Matt. So it’s better if I just go.’
Bex shook her head, wondering how on earth she could make Briony realise that the only way her sister could hurt her, was to walk out of her life again.
She couldn’t bear that. She’d only just got the missing piece of her heart back and there was no way she was letting it go for a second time.
‘Of course it isn’t better if you go. Even if you and Tristan don’t work out, he’d never let it become an issue that affects the rest of us. He’s a great guy.’
‘He’s far too good for me then.’
‘No, he’s not. No one would be good enough for my little sister, but he’s the best man I know, after Matt, and that means he’s going to come closer than anyone else ever could.
He really likes you, so much so that he’s been out looking for you from the moment Tom realised you were gone.
’ Bex could no longer stop herself from reaching out for her sister and clasping her hand.
‘Come back for him, come back for the boys, come back for Mum. It doesn’t matter which option you choose, just come back. ’
Briony shook her head, her words when they came choked by tears. ‘As much as I like Tristan, I can’t come back for him. And even though I love Mum more than words can say, and I’ve already fallen in love with the boys, I can’t come back for them either.’
‘Please, Briony. I know I messed up this time, but I love you and I just want—’
‘You didn’t let me finish.’ Her sister cut her off, suddenly smiling through her tears. ‘I can’t come back for any of those things; there’s only one thing I can come back for and that’s you, because I love you too. I always have.’
‘I don’t know whether to hug you or throttle you!’ Bex was laughing and crying, as she finally folded her sister into her arms.
‘That just about sums up our relationship, doesn’t it?’ Briony’s voice was muffled against her chest.
‘It does, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
’ Bex hugged her sister tightly, hoping it sent a message that words couldn’t convey.
A love as big as theirs was bound to be layered with frustration and tension at times, because when you wanted to protect the other person as fiercely as the two of them did, there always going to be ups and downs.
They’d both made mistakes, and they were almost certain to do it again in the future, but when a bond was built on a base like theirs, nothing could ever rock those foundations enough to destroy them forever.
Not time or distance, or even the silence that had stretched over all those wasted years.
But maybe they hadn’t been wasted after all.
Maybe their separation had always needed to happen, to make them realise just how lucky they were to have one another.
Whatever the reason, as Bex finally released her little sister from her embrace, she knew for certain that, in all the ways that mattered, she was never going to let her go again.