Chapter 30 Raith
RAITH
Rose’s voice beckoned me out of the darkness.
She called my name over and over with a ragged cry, and the sound wrapped around my soul and yanked me back to reality.
Her arms held me tight, her face pressed into my hair, and her body trembled slightly.
I lifted my hands to embrace her back, but weariness slowed my movements and dragged me down.
I opened my eyes and breathed in her sweet scent, along with the cool freshness of the moonlit garden around us.
“Rose,” I said, my voice ragged. “What are we doing out here?”
She touched my face and stared at me with relief, along with something else. Something like fear. “Raith! Oh, thank the Sun and Moon.”
I coughed, trying to clear the dryness in my throat as I sat up.
My entire body ached, and I felt as though all my energy had been stolen from me.
I pressed a hand to my forehead and tried to remember how I’d ended up here.
I’d decided the only thing to do was to confront the Shadow Lord, but since he wouldn’t face me in my kingdom, I’d planned to find him in his own realm.
Teleporting away from Rose was the last thing I remembered.
Had I found the Shadow Lord? How had I wound up in the garden?
I reached out and touched a lingering tear on Rose’s cheek, wiping it away. “What is it, Rose?”
She shook her head, biting her lip. “We can’t speak of it here. Remove the wards around the castle so I can teleport us inside.”
I nearly protested or tried to teleport us myself, but I was too weak and she knew it.
I’d barely made it back to the castle the other night when I’d woken up in a strange place with no memories, but I was even worse off now.
I raised my hand and slowly traced the rune to break the spell preventing her from teleporting on castle grounds, and then nodded.
She wrapped her arms around me and the darkness embraced us like an old friend.
When it receded, we were on my bed. She helped me get comfortable against the pillows, and then sat beside me, gazing down at me with an unreadable expression.
She was normally so open with her thoughts and feelings, and it unnerved me that I couldn’t tell what was going on in that lovely mind of hers.
“Explain,” I demanded. “How did we get in the garden? Why are you so upset?”
She let out a long, shuddering sigh, but then began to speak. “I saw the Shadow Lord outside the castle again. This time, I confronted him.”
“You did what?” I started to get up, but she pressed a hand to my chest and pushed me back down. “What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking I needed to find you. And I did.”
“I was there?” I ran a hand through my hair, wracking my brain for the lost memory. “I must have confronted the Shadow Lord and somehow ended up there. How did you escape him?”
Her eyes were serious as they stared back at me. “I didn’t.”
“What do you mean?”
“The Shadow Lord let me go. And then he transformed back into a man.” She swallowed. “Raith, the Shadow Lord is you.”
I stared at her. “I don’t understand.”
She went on, as though I hadn’t said a word. “Or rather, the thing we thought was the Shadow Lord is actually you. For all I know, the actual Shadow Lord is still ruling his own realm. Or maybe he doesn’t exist at all. No one seems to know for certain.”
I held up a hand, overwhelmed by her rapid words. “That doesn’t make any sense. How can I be the Shadow Lord?”
“I don’t know. I was hoping you would remember something.”
“I don’t, and there’s no way I can be him. If I am, it means I’m the one who has been terrorizing the kingdom for the last few years. I would never do that.”
“Not intentionally, no,” she said, her voice laced with sadness.
“This is absurd,” I said. “You must be mistaken.”
But slowly my mind began to clear and some of the things in my past started to make sense.
The darkness only began to appear after my first wife’s murder.
Many people had spotted the Shadow Lord spreading the darkness across the land, but I was never able to hunt him down or confront him myself, no matter how hard I looked for him.
All I saw was the aftermath of his attacks.
My own magic was able to send the darkness back to the Shadow Lands, but I grew weaker every day while the enemy grew stronger.
It was a losing battle...a battle I seemed to be fighting against myself.
Sun and Moon, could she be right? Was I the monster destroying my own kingdom?
“I need to get to my workshop,” I said, as I stumbled to my feet.
Rose reached for my arm. “You need to rest.”
“Not until we know if your claims are true or not.” I jerked away from her and left the room with the last of my strength.
Rose quickly caught up to me, a frown on her soft lips. “What do you plan to do?”
I shook my head, and the only sound was from my boots as they left harsh footsteps on the stone.
I was too busy thinking of all the times I’d woken in my study, unable to recall if I’d slept or not, with no memory of where my evening had gone.
I’d chalked it up to exhaustion, but could it be more than that?
I removed the spell locking the workshop and we both stepped inside. I searched my shelves until I found a thick purple tonic. While Rose watched, I popped off the stopper and downed the entire bottle in one gulp, cringing at the bitter taste with a hint of lavender.
“What is that?” Rose asked, her eyes both curious and afraid.
“A tonic to help with memory.” I grabbed a stool and sank down onto it as the magic began to spread through me, making my head spin. “I need a few moments of silence.”
She nodded and sat beside me, her hand lightly resting on my back as I closed my eyes and focused on breathing.
Her gentle touch anchored me as snippets of memories began to whisk through my mind.
Darkness surrounding me and overwhelming me until I couldn’t breathe anymore, while harsh laughter filled my ears.
Towering over the town of Haversham with inky shadows leaping from my fingers to cover the buildings there.
Watching as people screamed and fled from me in terror.
Wrapping my large, shadowy hand around Rose and seeing the fear in her eyes, before she whispered that she loved me.
Sun and Moon, it was all true. I was the one terrorizing Ilidan, not the Shadow Lord. I was destroying its towns and threatening my own people. I’d nearly killed the woman I would do anything to protect. And there was no way to protect her, not when I was the danger.
When the memories receded, I found myself with my head in my hands, tearing at my hair. Exhaustion settled over me again, and my mind was flayed and bloody, torn apart by this new revelation. I was no longer king nor mage, but a hollow shell of a man who no longer knew who he was.
I met Rose’s eyes. “You’re right. It is me. Sun and Moon help us all.”
“Oh, Raith. I’m sorry.” She reached for me, but I pulled back. She frowned and placed her hands in her lap instead. “Do you remember how or why this started? Or what is causing it?”
“No, I was only able to recover a few memories, only brief fragments and glimpses of my time as that…beast.”
We sat in defeated silence for a minute, but then Rose drew in a breath and straightened up, gathering her determination again. “I know this is a shock and that it’s hard to accept, but it’s a good thing we found the truth. Now we can do something about it.”
I let out a harsh laugh. “Do something? What can we do?”
“We’ll figure out why this is happening and stop it together, of course.”
Even after seeing my true nature and the darkness inside of me, she wanted to help. She was so strong, and far too good for a man like me. I couldn’t lose her too, not like I’d lost Silena. Especially when I was the threat to her life. “No, we won’t.”
“Raith…”
I gave her my coldest stare. “I don’t need or want your help. This is my problem, and I will deal with it alone.”
As expected, that only made Rose square her shoulders to face me back defiantly. “It is not yours alone. This is my kingdom too, and has been ever since you married me.”
“Marrying you was a mistake. One that must be corrected now.”
Her face paled. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying it’s time for you to go back home to Talador. I don’t want you here.” Lies, lies, lies, but getting her away from me was the only thing that would keep her safe. Even if each word felt bitter on my tongue, and I was tempted to take them all back.
“I don’t believe that.” She reached for me again and I stepped back.
“Don’t touch me!” I snapped.
“All right, I’m sorry. But what about last night?”
I waved a dismissive hand. “It didn’t mean anything. Not to me anyway.”
She scowled at me. “Raith, I know you’re trying to push me away again, but I won’t let you do that. You need me, just as much as I need you.”
I turned away from her. “I don’t need you, and I don’t want you in my castle any longer. Like I told you before, I will never love you. You’re a fool to think this could be anything real. Now get out.” Her mouth fell open, but she didn’t move. I glared at her. “Go!”
She pressed a hand to her chest, like I’d physically wounded her there, and then she fled the room in a whoosh of dark skirts.
My heart shuddered as the door slammed behind her, even as I tried to convince myself this was for the best. I was a danger to everyone around me, and Rose had to stay away.
It was the only way to keep her safe.