Chapter Thirty-Three Luca #2
Luca crosses an arm over her chest, scrubbing the knuckles of her other down her sternum as the pressure builds again.
The truth is simple but harsh. “You never know how much time you’ll get with him.
And I don’t think you should dismiss him.
He is worried about your career and happiness.
” She hates how bitter the words taste in her mouth.
Juliette stares at her, mouth slightly parted and her eyes searching Luca’s face.
Luca shakes her head before moving away from the curtains to the kitchen. She needs a cup of tea, something to soothe the ache in her throat. She busies herself with the kettle. “Ignoring the issue isn’t a healthy way to deal with this.”
“You don’t know him like I do,” Juliette says, and the springs tightening in Luca’s chest snap.
“He’s a better father than a lot of us get,” Luca says, and she immediately regrets it. She knows the subject of fathers is a sensitive one for her, and truly, what right does she have to give advice to Juliette?
“Luca,” Juliette murmurs, her voice so soft and quiet that the defensive thorns around Luca start to soften and unfurl.
“My father is dead,” Luca says suddenly, popping the chamomile bag into the bottom of one of the too-small ceramic cups. She fishes her honey out of the pantry next to all of her granola bars.
Juliette’s breath catches. “Oh, Luca, I’m so sorry.”
Luca bites her lip and tips her spoon into the honey. “It’s fine. He died a while ago. Before I went to college.” Luca wishes she could force her voice to be flat, but it’s raspy and trembling.
Juliette stays quiet, either thinking or waiting for Luca to fill the silence.
“He was a complicated man,” Luca continues.
She’s unsure of where the words come from.
Maybe a deep-rooted desire to make Juliette see that she shouldn’t dismiss her father.
“I think he loved my mother and me, but he was a product of his upbringing. He thought that caring too much was a weakness we couldn’t afford.
” The more she speaks, the more she feels like a snake shedding its skin.
She feels rather than sees Juliette, the warmth radiating off her skin, her hand, the second before she cradles Luca’s cheek, grounding her in this moment. Her thumb strokes against the fragile skin beneath her eye, and it’s almost too tender.
There will always be more to say, more to try to explain. There will always be sadness and anger and shame whenever she thinks about her father. She will always resent and miss and love and hate her father, even if she tries to tell herself that he doesn’t deserve the emotional space.
Luca shakes her head. Juliette’s hand slips away, but then she wraps her arms around Luca’s waist and rests her cheek against Luca’s shoulder blade.
Juliette’s touch is grounding, but Luca is relieved she doesn’t have to look Juliette in the eye.
“There’s a lot I wish I could say to him, but he’ll never hear it.
” She sighs, and Juliette squeezes her closer.
“So, if you can, or you want to, I would try to repair whatever crumbling link you still have.”
The kettle bubbles and hisses, filling the quiet and dissipating the tension. It’s become comfortable now. “You want tea?” she asks.
“Sure,” Juliette whispers, rubbing her cheek against Luca’s shoulder.
Luca grabs another cup and tosses a chamomile bag into it. “Honey?”
“Yeah,” Juliette says, her voice a little croaky. Luca drops her hands to Juliette’s, squeezing her wrists.
Then, Juliette peels off of Luca and moves to lean against the counter. Her cheeks are blotchy, and her eyes are a little red-rimmed. “Hey,” Luca whispers, cradling Juliette’s cheek gently now.
Juliette looks up, and her lips twitch into the barest hint of a smile. “Sorry,” she whispers.
“For what?” Luca asks, sliding her hand along Juliette’s neck to the nape, gently tugging her closer. With her free hand, she sweeps Juliette’s curls back off her face.
“You bare your soul and father issues and instead of me comforting you, I’m the one crying and you’re making me a cup of tea.” She shakes her head a little, almost chuckling.
“Tea is my lo—” Luca cuts herself off, rephrases. “The way I take care of people.” She presses a kiss to Juliette’s forehead. “Sorry to trauma dump on you.”
Juliette’s hands splay along her waist, holding on to Luca. “No, thank you for telling me that. I needed to hear it. You’re right.”
Luca shrugs. “I don’t mean to be right. I only want to help.” She murmurs the words against Juliette’s skin, and she feels her shudder.
Juliette nods, and Luca pulls away to pour the boiling water into two cups. Luca dishes a ribbon of honey into the cup, watching it swirl in the water.
“You’re surprisingly sweet,” Juliette says as Luca hands her the warm cup.
“Surprisingly?” Luca asks, unsure if she should be offended.
“I used to think you were cold,” Juliette admits, “and when you’re not focused on tennis, I thought you were aloof and snarky. I didn’t think you were kind.”
Luca rolls her eyes. “People contain multitudes, Jules,” she says. Then, with a crooked smile, she adds, “I can go back to snarking you if you want.”
Juliette sips her tea and then sets it down. Before Luca can say anything, she’s wrapping her arms around Luca’s neck and brushing their noses together. “I want you exactly as you are, Luca Kacic.” Juliette sounds so confident, so sure of her conviction, that Luca’s stomach flips.
Exactly as she is.
“Oh.”
Flaws, cracks, rot, and all. It’s a terrifying thought, and Luca swallows, all amusement fizzling away. Juliette doesn’t look away from her, her eyes so warm they’re like molten honey.
And despite Juliette’s admission, it isn’t anxiety that buzzes in Luca’s chest. The thought of being known and loved anyway makes her breath catch, her heart hammer against her breastbone, and a deep throbbing ache bloom in her chest.
Except it isn’t pain or discomfort or fear—it’s longing.
Luca wants this. She knew she wanted Juliette on a physical level, despite the fear that Juliette would break her heart.
But today, Luca realized she wants Juliette more than just as a lover.
It’s a terrifying thought, one that she can’t get out of her head, but now that she knows Juliette wants her too? It’s almost too much to bear.
It looks and feels too much like love.
Luca draws Juliette into her for a kiss to keep from saying the words too early, but pours all her feelings into the kiss, hoping Juliette feels it anyway.