18. Chapter 18
Chapter eighteen
Chuck
What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck?
Chuck was downstairs, dishing up dinner after the crew had left for the night, and it felt like all his limbs would give out at any second. He wasn’t in his body, that much was for sure. He was replaying the whole thing with Robinson, trying to figure out if he regretted spending time with him, regretted not saying no, regretted coming back to clarify.
The most confusing part was…he didn’t regret any of it. He was in an abject panic about the whole thing, but when he thought about taking any other course of action, that panic worsened. It had been long enough that any initial infatuation should have worn away…which meant…
Chuck pushed aside what that meant. Not the time or the place to go into that. He had food to dole out, and an awkward conversation to prepare for. That was the only panic that got worse than him thinking about saying no: he had to talk to the boys. This was their house, their life, and they’d lost their father at the same time that Chuck lost his husband. Any development like this needed to get run past them.
Chuck carted out the big bowl of pasta from LaGrossa’s Italian Cuisine, then the garlic bread and the cheap-ass Parmesan from the shaker. “Dig in, boys.”
It wasn’t quite their normal setup, especially since the house was half torn-apart and half brand new at the moment, but it didn’t seem to affect the boys at all. They served up properly ravenous portions for themselves and got to work wolfing it down.
Chuck tried to keep his tone casual as he dished up a much more modest portion for himself—a middle-aged digestive system didn’t quite handle that much tomato and fat and starch as well as theirs did. “So, you guys holding up okay with everything going on?”
“Today was awesome.” Colby had regaled him with a play-by-play of their shopping trip already, and luckily, he didn’t feel the need to go over the same details again. “I wish we had the living room back and stuff, but it’s okay.”
Nick nodded. “I can’t wait to get it all done. Put everything up.”
Ryan sucked on his teeth. “It’s been a lot.” He was, as expected from the oldest, a little more in touch with his own emotional state. Chuck was just glad he felt comfortable sharing some of it instead of stomping it all down inside.
“Yeah, it has. Going to be good when it’s all over, though.” He pushed his pasta around on the plate without actually taking a bite. “So, I wanted to bring something up, now that you’re all here and…well, something happened today, and we need to talk about it.”
Colby’s eyes widened. “I just messed up. Didn’t mean to cuss in public like that. I didn’t think they’d make a big deal about it.”
Chuck shook his head and smiled. “No one’s in trouble. And no one ratted you out.” He sighed and tried to just force the words out as fast as he could. “Robinson asked me to get coffee with him.”
Chuck kept his eyes fixed on some hanging wire nuts in the distance, but he could pick up enough of the boys’ reactions. Colby was utterly unfazed. Nick nodded slowly. Ryan turned his gaze down to his plate and started playing with his food, just like Chuck had been.
After a few seconds of silence, Chuck forced himself to keep talking. “I’m not saying it would be anything. He doesn’t even live here. But…I didn’t tell him if I was going to go with him or not. I wanted to talk to you first, make sure things are on the level.”
Realization seemed to dawn on Colby, finally. “Oh, he wants to go on a date?”
Chuck nodded. “Yeah. But…well, how do you feel about that?”
Chuck finally made himself look up, ready to make eye contact. Nick responded first, clearing his throat. “I…feel weird?”
“Me too,” said Chuck. “Really weird. I was with Dad-Drew for almost twenty years.”
Colby was merrily eating, but that didn’t stop him from chiming in. “We’ll be okay home alone.”
Chuck held back a laugh. “I know you will, kiddo. But are you okay if I go on a date with someone new?”
He shrugged. “Why not?”
“Do you want to?” Ryan still wasn’t looking up, but he was plenty audible all the same. “Do you want to go out with him?”
Chuck hesitated. It would be awkward in a whole new way, but he could use that as an out. Maybe he could feign like he’d just come to some realization, like he was just considering it because he was so shocked…but honesty started from the top. “I did a lot of work with him while you were all shopping, and we had a really fun time. But I don’t want any of you thinking I’m rushing out to replace Dad-Drew. Robinson lives in Washington, he’s here on a job—”
“It’s been a year.” Ryan finally looked up, and a smile pulled at his mouth. His eyes were a little red and misty, but the smile didn’t look at all forced. And Chuck was pretty sure, after all this time, he could tell if any of his boys were faking a smile.
“It has been a year.” Chuck put his fork down, dropping the pretense that this was just another normal dinner. “It doesn’t feel like it, though.”
All the boys nodded, but it was Ryan who kept talking. “We all love him, but I’m pretty sure we all love you, too. Even if you’re old and weird.”
“I’m flattered.”
Ryan snorted a laugh. “I’m just saying, I don’t think any of us are going to be mad if you decide you want to have a night out or something.”
Chuck was pretty sure Ryan was sincere, but he also wasn’t going to let Ryan speak for all the boys. Especially not when Nick was still quiet and looking so…down. “Nick?”
He took in a deep breath and still paused before responding. “I don’t want you to feel bad. It’s just…really weird that he’s gone, still. I don’t know how I feel.”
“It’s okay to not know. And it’s okay to tell me that you aren’t okay with this.”
“It’s not that.” He shook his head and, when he lifted his face up, his cheeks were red. “You haven’t left us alone for more than, like, going to work and stuff since Dad-Drew died. I don’t want to be a baby about it, and I had a good time, but…I missed you today, and if you go on a date…forget it.”
“No. Hey.” Chuck reached across the table and took Nick’s hand. “However you’re feeling is how you’re feeling. I’m not going to be mad if you say this is too big a step or something. You matter way more than the plumber from the TV show I roped us into.”
Nick nodded. “I’m okay. Stuff is always going to feel weird. He’s gone. But it doesn’t feel normal yet. Which I know is stupid, but…yeah.”
“Not stupid. I don’t want any if you calling how you feel stupid.” Chuck drew his hand back and tossed back a gulp of water. “I still feel weird, of course you guys do too.”
Nick gave a tight smile. “But if you want to spend time with him, you should. I’ll feel weird, but it’s not, like, dangerous. Sometimes you have to feel weird in life.”
Chuck nodded. It always took him by surprise when one of the boys was properly introspective—Chuck barely considered anything about himself when he was their age, other than whether he wanted to kiss boys or girls, and that just led to a lot of drinking and smoking weed—but it also gave him more than a small sense of pride. A little proof that he and Andrew had, at least so far, done a good job in raising some healthy, well-adjusted kiddos.
Chuck finally took an actual bite of his dinner. “So, just to make sure I’m not misunderstanding…you’re all okay with me saying yes?”
Nods around the table, and Colby flashed a thumbs up.
It was ridiculous how warm that made Chuck feel.