Chapter 10 Laz
CHAPTER TEN
LAZ
“ALL THAT’S MINE”
“So do you think you can make it?” Abigail, my editor, says to me over the phone. “Again, I am so, so sorry that this is last minute. Things at the publishing house have been crazy lately, everyone is gearing up for the summer.”
“I can make it,” I tell her.
“Great, I’ll go ahead and book the flight and email you all the details.” She pauses. “Will you be going alone or should I try and get two seats. If I get two, then I’m afraid it can’t be a business class seat.”
“Uh,” I stammer. “I—I don’t know yet. I haven’t had a chance to process it…”
“I understand. How about you email me later today and let me know. Don’t want to wait too long, the LAX to New York flights are often sold out at such short notice.”
I tell her thank you and hang up, dazed.
My editor just called to tell me they’re having a book launch party in New York for the release of Everything’s Ruined, and obviously, they want me to attend.
It’s a month before the actual release of the book, which is why the whole thing has caught me by surprise but she says it’s mainly for the review sites and there will be a lot of bloggers, press and industry people there, plus advanced review paperbacks to give out.
Now my dilemma is whether to go by myself or not.
It’s been ten days since that incident with Marina’s dad.
Ten days since I stayed the night at her house.
Ten days since she fell asleep in my arms.
Ten days since I realized I’m in so fucking deep with her, there’s no way out for me.
And despite the fact that I kept my hands to myself, that we didn’t even kiss, that I showed a fuck load of restraint to not completely devour her, things have changed between us.
It was apparent the next morning. The ease we have around one other was gone.
Tension replaced it instead. I know Marina was smarting because of what happened with her father, I know she felt ashamed and embarrassed and I did what I could to let her know her feelings were unwarranted.
What happened with her father was rough, there was no doubt about that.
But it only made me want her more, to know that I was shown this dark part of her life. It made me feel special.
But even with all of that, I wonder if she’s feeling what I’m feeling.
This shift that grows bigger and bigger each day, like two fault lines sliding against each other, inches at first, until, over time, you can’t bridge the gap.
You can only fall into the void between the people you used to be to each other.
Marina will never stop being everything to me.
She always was. But now…she’s becoming more.
She’s no longer a part of my life, she is my life.
Every single waking thought I have, it’s about her.
Every word that yearns to leave my pen, they’re about her.
The friend I had, the girl I thought I knew, I was only scratching the surface with her before.
I had no idea just how perfect for me she could be.
But I’m getting ahead of myself here. On paper, we’re still friends. We still text and talk, even though we haven’t seen each other in the last ten days because we’re so busy.
At least, I hope that’s the case. I’ve been busy writing, going to the gym, practicing new songs with the band and auditioning new keyboard players.
I’m trying not to think about the book because, honestly, it’s terrifying.
But I would shove all of that to the side if it meant being with her.
Ten days is a long time to be apart and even though it was sometimes the norm for us back when we were friends, well, this just shows how much things have changed.
But Marina has other plans. She’s determined to bring in extra income to her business, so with the whole couples dating night being a bust (I mean, whoever thought that combining bees and romance together would work has a few screws loose), she’s trying to take her classes online and make educational beekeeping videos that people pay for.
Which means writing out a lot of material for her to go over before she even takes it to camera.
I’ve offered to help her film when it comes time but until then, she’s pushed me to the side and I can only hope that it has nothing to do with the changes in our relationship.
We’re on that razorback ridge between being actual friends and being something more and I wouldn’t blame her if she was too scared to take the first step in either direction.
Still, I don’t want to go to New York alone. I wouldn’t take Scooby or Frank, so Marina is the only one I really want by my side.
I decide to call her.
Marina picks up on the third ring. “Hey,” she says softly and her voice is like an arrow to my heart.
I’m fucked.
“Hiya,” I say back, smiling as a reflex, probably like an idiot, and so glad she can’t see me. “What are you doing?”
“I’m just outside, having a coffee, watching the girls.” She sounds relaxed and happy which immediately puts my heart at ease. With all the turmoil with her father lately, it’s a nice change.
“How are the online courses coming?”
“I’m almost done. Thank god. I don’t know if it will be complete shit or not but hey, it is what it is.”
“It won’t be shit. It’ll be mint. You know your stuff. Maybe you could incorporate that waggle dance for the camera.”
She laughs. “Yeah right. This big ol’ butt of mine wouldn’t even fit on the screen.”
“Don’t underestimate the power of your arse.” I pause. “Speaking of your arse, how about it coming to New York with me this weekend.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“I guess there was a better way to say that. My publishers are throwing a party for me in New York this weekend. In Manhattan.”
“But your book doesn’t come out for like six weeks, right?”
“You’re right.” I’m impressed she remembers. Then again she’s always been my biggest cheerleader when it comes to Everything’s Ruined. “But they wanted to get a jump on it. It’s more for publicity and connections. I guess they want me to meet people.”
“Well that’s awesome. I’m so happy for you.”
“So will you come?”
“You honestly want me to?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
She doesn’t say anything for a moment. “I’ll have to see about funds, I’m not sure I can swing it right now.”
“Marina, you’d be covered.”
“You don’t have to do that.” Then she gasps. “Oh my god, if it’s in New York, then obviously Jane is coming right?”
Oh right. Jane.
“Well, I suppose, I haven’t talked to her yet but…”
“Of course she’s coming. New York is like a few hours by train from Boston. Oh my god, this will be so cool. Are you sure you can cover me?”
“Yeah, the publishers said I could take someone. Don’t worry, they’re paying, not me.”
“Oh this is so exciting. I’ll have to get a new dress. I’ll get to see Jane. I have to invite Naomi too, make it a total girl’s trip.”
“Naomi?” I repeat. Not that I have anything against my stepsister or Naomi, but this has suddenly morphed into something else entirely. I had wanted to invite Marina to New York. Just Marina. Show her off as my date. Maybe…get a hotel room together.
But obviously I’m being a fucking loon right now because that’s not on her radar whatsoever. It’s gone from a potential romantic weekend away to a bloody girl’s trip.
“Laz?”
“Huh?”
“It’s okay if Naomi comes, right? I mean I know I just invited her and all and it’s cool if you say no. I know for sure you wouldn’t have to pay for her. It’s just with what happened with Robert and now they’re going through a divorce, I think it would be good for her.”
“Yeah. Don’t worry about it. She can come. The more the merrier.”
Marina practically squeals. “Okay, great! Yay! I’ll give her a text and let her know. Do you want to invite Jane yourself or should I?”
“Go ahead. It’s your girl’s weekend right now,” I say flatly, wondering if she’ll pick up on my tone.
She doesn’t. The one time she’s not overly intuitive. “Okay I’ll do that. And Laz…?”
“What?”
“I’m so proud of you.”
I swallow hard, a strange warmth radiating through my chest as her words sink in. She’s the only person I’ve had in my whole entire life that has told me they’re proud of me. I’m not sure I’ve realized it until just now.
“Thanks,” I whisper, my voice coming out choked. I clear my throat and say, “Go tell Jane and Naomi the good news. I’ll text you the details later.”
“I will. Bye, Laz.”
I hang up and stare at my phone for a few moments, just letting every bloody thing overwhelm me. Usually I run from anything like this, anything deep and complicated. I run by way of my pen. Writing is an outlet, a way to process, a venue for my feelings to live so I don’t have to face them myself.
But today, it feels too new, too unique.
This isn’t something I’m used to, this sliver of rejection that’s working its way through my skin.
I’m sure Marina meant nothing by it and there’s absolutely no way that she could have known my plans, my wants.
It’s not like I came out and said, “Hey, I was thinking you could come to New York for a romantic weekend, we could share a room. I want you so fucking bad.”
Perhaps I should have said that but it’s too late now.
This is happening and maybe it’s for the best. I’ll get to see Jane this way, which is nice since I only saw her briefly two years ago when she came here for Christmas.
And I’ll have a whole entourage with me while I navigate the publishing world, so I don’t have to do it alone.
But who needs an entourage of people when I only need one.
The weekend comes in a flash and before I know it, I’m picking up Marina from her house to drive us to the airport.
I haven’t laid eyes on her in two weeks now and the sight of her walking towards me steals the breath from my lungs, causes my blood to turn to mercury.
She’s a fucking angel.
It doesn’t hurt that she’s wearing a long white sleeveless top over jeans, her blonde hair billowing out behind her and shining in the sun.