Chapter 3
Chapter Three
CARI
Max stops replying to my texts after the video, and it’s a bit of a lady boner killer. Sighing, I wipe off my fingers and groan. I should get back to work anyway. After washing my hands, I take a sip of my Diet Coke and leave the can on the nightstand.
I look around for my weed pen and realize I have no clue where it is. I wish I could attach an AirTag to it or something because I am always losing it. Trying to recall the last time I used it, I look in my bathroom and find it in the shower. I take a few light hits and blow the smoke away.
Looking over the brand endorsement details for the third time, I sign my name and email it back to them. I knew I should probably have a lawyer look these things over, but for the most part, these deals are easy to understand.
Most contracts are straightforward, and no one is asking for too much. I have a brand packet I send to all inquiries before I even bother replying further. I’ve wasted too much time answering emails and DMs from people who want me to ‘gift’ my time and energy with a collab.
Those who are serious email me back with a contract and an agreement to pay. Sure, every once in a while I collaborate with brands just because I like them, but these days I get paid too. Which brings me back to the lipgloss set I need to finish working on.
Yesterday, I had it set up for a shoot and was trying to decide which shade I liked better when Max came over.
I tried all the lipglosses on her, and she tasted them all, but instead of finishing the content, we got distracted and fell into bed.
She had lipgloss all over her, most of which wasn’t as sticky as I anticipated.
They were nude shades, so I chose the brightest one and brushed some across the back of my pale hand.
I take some aesthetic shots at my desk with a white background and other props.
The black-and-white photo strip of River and me from that time we went to Coney Island, fake fall leaves I got at the ninety-nine-cent store, and an empty mug I’m borrowing from Hazel.
I was going to Photoshop some coffee in it since I didn’t feel like drinking or wasting any.
There’s a voice nagging me in the back of my head that wonders why Max didn’t say anything else.
I knew she was working, but I figured she had time to text.
I think it mostly hurt feeling rejected by her again.
She often shuts me down whenever I ask to see her, especially if it is a few days consecutively.
At first, I didn’t realize it until I was tracking our hookups in my Period app.
I like to know who I was last with in case of an STD infection.
But then I realized she was purposely spacing me out.
Like she was afraid I’d get too close if we saw each other two days in a row.
Which might be the straightest thing she’s ever done with me.
I know I can be clingy sometimes, but Max and I have something good.
I’m not trying to change anything, but I do like seeing her.
I open my text thread with Max again. Looking at the texts, photos, and video, I reread them.
Was it too clingy to ask her to hang out tonight?
I thought we had a good time last night and we could have had another.
It wasn’t like I randomly asked her out on a date.
But there it is, setting her phone to silent as soon as I try to see her more.
Well, that hurts. It’s still not clear if silent notifications mean she’s done it to me or to everyone, but either way, I am still offended.
I hate it, but she often goes into these moods where her phone is on ‘do not disturb’ or I am personally put on silent mode. Then, a few days later, she’ll come out of it and ask me to hook up.
I only hate myself a little to admit that I say yes almost every time. It isn’t my fault, but those hips and her jawline, fuck. It should be illegal to look that good with minimal effort. So, I don’t blame her for slipping into this pattern. It works, after all.
“Fuck this.” I toss my phone onto the bed and throw on a green dress and some boots. I take a few more hits of my weed pen and tuck it into my purse.
Checking the location in the Find My Friends app, I can see River is at the shop, so I decide to pay her a little visit. I’m in the mood to get a tattoo and getting stabbed always seems to bring up my mood.
I grab my phone, jacket, and keys before locking the front door and heading for the subway. River’s shop is in the village a short walk from the F train, so I pop in my AirPods and blast some music for the ride.
Since I need to up my mood, I play some of the latest songs by Sabrina Carpenter. I’m pretty sure she’s the only one who can always put me in a good mood with her music.
I think about texting River, but if she’s not free, I can always ask one of her colleagues to tattoo me. River is my go-to, but Isla, Rae, and even Gus are all talented.
It might be a little weird seeing Gus, but maybe they won’t be there.
We haven’t talked since that night backstage at LULY’s concert.
I’d tried calling and texting when it first happened, but it all fell on deaf ears.
I’ve texted Gus probably twenty times since then, but they went ignored until they turned green and I realized they’d blocked me.
Gus and I were seeing each other, not exclusively, while I was hoping Max would get her head out of her ass and come around to seeing me.
Then Gus told me they wanted a long term relationship and they would wait for me to be with them exclusively.
I was a little thrown off when all of a sudden Gus started seeing the singer LULY, whose real name is Emily, and was no longer down for hooking up.
Then I was in a weird place with Max, and I thought kissing Gus would fix everything. Of course, it only hurt Gus, and Emily, and it didn’t do anything with Max, which I know now. But maybe if Gus is going to be there, it could be time to hash things out.
I owe them an apology, and running into them casually seems like the only time I’d be running into them. Gus still hadn’t gotten back to me, and lately they’ve been skipping group events if they know I’m coming.
I don’t blame them; I did a number on them. It still baffles me sometimes to know that I was hooking up with Gus before they were seeing LULY.
Gus was the complete opposite of Max. They always used to text me back, told me they wanted to be with me long term, and I’m pretty sure they were in love with me too.
But of course I didn’t see them that way.
I thought over time I might, and I didn’t want to lose Gus as a friend with benefits.
Gus was a great lay, don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t see a relationship with them, not the way they did.
I know now that it would’ve been easier to let them go.
My therapist keeps recommending I read this book on letting go, but I’m not a huge fan of reading. Besides, it’s not like I’m the first person to have their friend with benefits fall in love with them.
I just wish I could somehow use the reasons Gus liked me so that Max would see me in a different light.
But Max is more stubborn than anyone else I know, and it’s like she has this brick wall built between us.
I don’t know how to break through, and it isn’t like I can do much when she isn’t even willing to spend more time with me.
I wish it didn’t hurt me as much as it does.
Sighing, I almost miss my stop on the subway, but manage to jump off at the last second.
It’s the worst when you have to figure out how to get the train back for just one stop.
Before I get to the shop, I take out my weed pen and hit it a few times.
I’m feeling a light buzz and want to keep going, but River prefers that I don’t smoke inside.
I head inside the building, and it’s busy, but not too bad.
I know Hazel isn’t working since I saw her when I was leaving, so I’m not surprised to see River behind the front desk. She often takes over when Hazel isn’t there.
“Welcome to RAREs tattoos, how can I help—Hey!” River’s voice changes from rehearsed customer service to genuine happiness as she sees me.
I walk around the side of the front desk, and she gives me a tight hug. “What are you doing here? Did we have an appointment?” She pushes her iPad aside to look for the appointment book.
“Nope, this was spur of the moment. I felt like getting stabbed and wanted to see if you had time.” I smile.
“Hey girlie!” Isla says walking out of her office. She gives me a kiss on the cheek, and I admire her long hair, which is newly light blue. She is always changing her hair up, but somehow it always looks amazing no matter the color.
“Hey, how’s it going?”
“Cari wants a tattoo, I have time if you can watch the desk for a bit?” River asks, looking hopefully at Isla.
“For anyone else I’d say no, but for you, of course.” Isla winks, and River picks up her iPad and leads me back to her office.
Gus’s office door is closed. Were they here today? Or maybe they were away promoting LULY’s world tour with her? It was hard not to notice something like that. She’s been constantly trending since she headlined Coachella.
“Did you get the invitation for my Halloween Party?” River asks, knocking me out of my thoughts.
“Yes, although I’m not sure how you could top last year’s costume,” I tease. Last year, she and Aspen were Velma and Daphne from Scooby Doo, and it was iconic.
“Do you think you’re coming? Aspen said Max hasn’t RSVP’d yet either.” River is trying not to pry, but this is her way of seeing what is going on with Max and me.
“Subtle.” I laugh. “I’ll be there. Max and I haven’t talked about it or anything though. So I don’t know what she’s doing.”
“Hmm, so you’ve been seeing her lately then?” River is setting up the tray of tattoo equipment and avoiding eye contact as she asks.
“You’d be the worst spy. Just ask what you want to ask, Riv.” I laugh harder.
“I was just curious. I know for a while you two were off, but it seems like maybe things are back on?” River asks. “I like you two together, but I didn’t know if anything was official yet.”
“We are hanging out again, but please don’t make it a thing. She’s very clearly not looking for a relationship,” I explain.
“And you’re fine with that? Last time—”
I cut her off before she can start.
“I know. But this time is different.” I don’t want to rehash the past. Of how broken up I was over someone I didn’t even have a relationship with.
“Okay. So, tell me what you’re thinking.” She sits across from me, pulling her dark blonde hair behind her into a tight ponytail.
“Remember you drew that lighter and in it were two pairs of lips?”
“Oh yeah! You want that?” She looks surprised.
“Yeah, I need a change, and I think this should be it. I’m thinking the back of my arm.” I hold up my forearm, and she nods.
It is a big change, but I want a bigger tattoo for once. I usually go for smaller ones, not that I’m not covered in them, but it took awhile to get like this.
River looks a little hesitant, but this isn’t the first time I’ve come in randomly and asked for a tattoo.
She doesn’t usually charge me, but I still give her money, so I know that isn’t the concern.
She looks me over, and I wonder if she can read my mind or see what’s going on with Max and me, but she agrees, and I let out a sigh of relief.