Chapter 6
Chapter Six
MAX
“So, you told her to leave? Or she left herself?” my therapist, Ben, asks. He’s no more than ten years older than me, and a framed photo of him and his husband hangs behind him.
I’m glancing at the clock, wondering if I’m going to run out of time talking about this.
“I don’t really remember; it’s a blur and I was pretty exhausted,” I admit.
“Okay, so close your eyes and try to describe it to me so we can run through it together,” he says, picking up his pen and notebook.
I sigh, closing my eyes to remember the morning last weekend when Cari and I slept in the same bed.
“I woke up, saw her lying next to me, and sort of jumped out of bed. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but she started getting dressed as I paced.
She wouldn’t look at me, but when she did, she was angry, and I just felt guilty.
I tried to call her an Uber home but she said no and then she left. ”
“Okay, so it seems like she probably left on her own because she was upset. Which is understandable, right?” He looks at me over his round glasses.
“Yeah. I was just surprised. I’m usually good about not falling asleep so that doesn’t happen. But then I woke up next to her and—” I stop myself.
“And?” Ben urges for me to finish.
“I think I was conflicted by how nice it felt. We haven’t done that in so long so it felt nice, but then it felt more intimate than I wanted so I also felt stuck and upset. Like I didn’t have a choice in it.” I sigh.
“And having a choice in the intimacy is important to you?” he asks.
“Well, yeah.” I furrow my eyebrows. What kind of a question was that?
“Forgive me, I’m just trying to clarify your feelings.
Because it doesn’t seem like you were upset about the act of intimacy, just the fact that you didn’t have control in it.
She’s someone you’ve come to spend a lot of time with and feel comfortable with.
But maybe you felt overwhelmed by not knowing maybe where you were or who you were with when you first woke up? ” he asks.
“Yeah…it was like I was back in bed with Chelsea. I didn’t know where I was, and then when I did it made me feel scared I guess.” I clench my fists. I hate this part of therapy but I know nothing will change if I’m not honest.
“So, being intimate with Cari made you remember what it felt like being with your ex-fiancée and that sort of set off alarms in your body?”
“Yes.” I nod.
“Do you think it’s because of your history with Cari or because of your history with Chelsea?”
“Maybe both? Like Cari and I tried dating when we first met and I wasn’t ready. I was falling too hard, way too fast, and I had to pump the brakes before someone got hurt,” I explain.
“Do you mean before you got hurt?” He raises an eyebrow at me.
“I mean maybe. I just didn’t want to relive what I went through with Chelsea.”
“Is it fair for Cari to be judged on your past with Chelsea? They’re two completely different people,” he points out. But that’s just it, they might have a lot of differences but when I’m with Cari it feels almost as good as it did when I was with Chelsea.
“Where did you just go? What were you thinking about?”
“I was thinking about how it’s similar with Cari to how I felt with Chelsea. Before everything blew up in my face.” I sigh.
“Do you think that could be why your immediate response to intimacy was to jump out of bed and have her leave? Because that’s what feels safer to you then enjoying the moment?” He sits back with a small smile and I know he’s right. Ugh, it’s so annoying when he is.
“Yes, that’s quite possible,” I grumble.
“Look, we’re done for today but I’d like you to try and sit with some intimacy.
It doesn’t have to be with Cari, it doesn’t have to be romantic.
But accepting acts of intimacy like holding hands, physical touch, hugs, conversations with friends.
Sit with them and see how long you can handle those kinds of feelings without it making you feel like you need to run.
And we’ll talk about it next week.” Ben smiles.
“Okay.” I nod. Even though I want to say how the hell am I supposed to have an intimate moment with my friends out of the blue?
“Same time next week?” He opens his appointment book.
“Yup.” I’ve blocked out the same time every week since it was easier than trying to work around my schedule.
I walk out of the office and stop on the corner at Blank Street Coffee. I am jonesing for a caffeine fix, and I can’t wait until I get home. Plus I was too anxious to eat this morning so I should probably grab a breakfast sandwich or something.
The barista is pretty, with green eyes and long black hair, a combo you don’t see too often.
I order my drink and a croissant sandwich I can eat on the way back home.
My therapist is only a twenty-minute walk from my place, so I eat on the way.
After scarfing down my sandwich—I was apparently hungrier than I thought I was—I drink my hot Americano.
The building’s main entrance buzzer is busted, so I let myself in manually with the key and walk the three flights up since my building also doesn’t have an elevator. It’s annoying, but it also gives me thighs of steel, which come in handy when I need to lug my camera equipment around.
I open my apartment door, and my roommates are hanging out in the kitchen-living room. Liz is making a smoothie, and Rachel is lying on the couch humming. Frisky is tucked under the coffee table and only peeks his head around to look at me before going back to sleep.
“Hello! How was therapy?” Liz smiles as she pours her smoothie into her reusable cup.
“It was fine,” I mutter.
“That bad, huh?” Rachel asks, frowning.
“I don’t wanna talk about it. What’s going on here?”
Rachel and Liz exchange a glance but change the subject anyway. “I’m on my way to the gym,” Liz says. I notice now she’s in her matching spandex workout outfit.
“I’m not doing anything.” Rachel shrugs.
“Except waiting for that girl to text you,” Liz scoffs.
Rachel glares at her while I ask, “What girl? Gimme all the tea,” I tease.
“It’s nothing. I met a girl last night and we hit it off, but she hasn’t texted me yet.” Rachel sighs.
“Did you text her?” I ask.
“I can’t do that!” Rachel gasps.
“I think it’s hot when a girl texts first, it takes some of the pressure off,” I say as I join her on the couch.
“I told her the same thing, but she said she can’t,” Liz adds. “I’ll see y’all later!” She clicks the door shut behind her.
Rachel is quiet, so I take the opportunity to check my phone. I still have it on silent from therapy, and not sure if I’ve missed anything. Turning off the ‘do not disturb’, a few texts from Cari pop up.
We haven’t really talked since last weekend, and I’m not even sure if she’s still mad at me, but I guess not.
CARI: Busy this weekend?
CARI: R u going to A it was inevitable not to, but they don’t know all the details.
“How about this, you tell me what’s going on, and I’ll text the girl from last night?” she suggests.
“How about you text her and I go take a nap?” I counter with a smirk.
“Sorry, babe, we both know that smirk doesn’t work on me like all the other girls.
” Rachel blows me a kiss, and I laugh. Not that we’ve ever tried, but I like being platonic with my very gay roommates.
It makes life easier. We’ve never even had a question of sexual tension between us, and that’s the way I like it.
“It’s honestly nothing. Cari wants to go shopping together for costumes for Aspen’s Halloween party, but I don’t even think I’m going to go.” I shrug.
“Excuse me, you have to go! And didn’t I see you two sneaking off last year, Mr. Ghostface? Or was that a different butch dressed up in a Scream mask?” Rachel jokes.
“I’m pretty sure it’s a popular costume.” I smile.
“Is costume shopping code for like hooking up or something? Because you guys still do that, so I’m not understanding the issue.”
“I don’t know. Things with her lately are just feeling more real than I want. So, I’m just trying not to complicate things.” I sigh.
“I get that. Have you told her that?” she asks.
“Well, yeah.”
“Then what’s the big deal? Either way you definitely have to go to the party and you need a costume because Aspen made it clear River wants everyone in costume.” Rachel laughs.
“You’re right,” I groan.
“Plus, you could always meet someone else at the party. If you two aren’t exclusive, then maybe that would give her the hint about the distance you need.”
My eyes widen thinking about Cari’s reaction.
Just knowing her, I know she’d freak if she saw me with someone else.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t been out with other women in the last year, but it wasn’t something I did in front of her.
Knowing if she saw it first-hand, I can’t promise there wouldn’t be bloodshed.
And I think it might be aimed more at whoever I was with, not at me.
I decide to just tell her I’m buying something online and call it a day.
The party is next week, and I’ll see her then.
“Alright, I was honest, now it’s time to get texting over there,” I say, glaring at Rachel.