Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
CARI
It took almost two months and three different types of meds to figure out which one would work for me. The lithium made me too sleepy; in the first two weeks, I couldn’t tell if they were actually doing anything.
I didn’t want to get out of bed or go anywhere or even shower.
Then came the Abilify, which just made me eternally angry. I still didn’t want to do anything, but I had to because Hazel came to check on me once a day.
I didn’t ask her to; in fact, I routinely asked her not to. But she insisted it was her or she had to call River and Aspen back over, so I pretended to be okay until she’d eventually leave me alone. She doesn’t know me well enough yet to see through my lies.
Finally, about three weeks ago, they put me on some generic Effexor, and it’s the first time I’ve felt like myself. Instead of everything feeling so heavy and tough, things feel like I can handle them again.
I still have days where I’m exhausted, but for the most part, at least I don’t have to bribe myself to get out of bed.
Which brings me to today. I’m standing outside of River’s apartment with a peace offering. Her favorite sushi and flowers are in one hand while I ring the doorbell with the other.
River answers the door in her pjs, a fresh tattoo on her thigh taped up. I want to ask what it is, but it isn’t the time; apologies first.
“Come in,” she says through a sigh, smiling at me. “It’s good to see you looking like yourself again.”
“It’s good to feel like myself again,” I admit. I hadn’t realized how long it’s been since I was actually feeling like myself until I found the right meds.
“So, the meds are working then?” she asks as we sit on the couch and she rips into the chopsticks.
“Yeah, it took a few guesses, but this one seems to be working. It makes my head feel calm and doesn’t give me any side effects so far.” I smile.
“Did your doctor or therapist give you any sort of diagnosis?”
“I have borderline personality disorder. I’ve probably always had it, which explains why I’ve been labeled ‘a lot’ or ‘too much’. But the breakup and career shift is what caused my depressive episode. So thank you, and please thank Aspen for me. For taking care of me,” I explain.
“You know we wouldn’t have left you like that. I’m just glad Hazel thought to call us,” River says.
“Yeah, me too. I didn’t realize how bad I was until I could look back. I’m so sorry for Halloween. I was an absolute mess and should’ve known better, but I also shouldn’t have gone that hard with partying and making a scene.”
“I appreciate that.”
“I hope Aspen isn’t too upset with me. I know I probably reminded her of her mother that night, and she really didn’t deserve that.”
“No, she didn’t. Do you think you can explain what happened with Gus and Emily?” River asks. “I was afraid to ask them about it, but they looked just as upset that night.”
“I hooked up with Gus last year, before they got together with Emily. That night we went to the concert, backstage, I kissed Gus, hoping it would make Max jealous. Gus always said they wanted a relationship with me, and they said they’d wait for me, and suddenly, they weren’t.
I thought it would get Gus back to thinking about me, but also show Max what she was missing.
But instead, Gus hates me and now Emily does too.
I knew they were together and I should’ve minded my business, but I was stupid,” I explain.
It’s good to finally get everything out in the open.
“So, you and Gus, but then Emily and Gus, and also you and Max. No wonder there was so much drama. God damn, lesbians are messy.” She cracks a smile.
“We really are. I was just trying to apologize on Halloween, I thought Gus might finally hear me out, but they weren’t interested, which obviously made me feel worse.” I frown. “Then I misunderstood Max being with someone else, and that escalated way more than it needed to.”
“Because Max and Sara were in matching costumes? So because Max doesn’t know how to communicate like a grown-up she got mad at you for assuming and that’s why you blacked out?” River fills in the blanks.
“Yeah.” I nod. “Do you not like Max?” I ask with a raised eyebrow.
“I love Max, they’re my wife’s best friend. But when it comes to relationships, she’s a blockhead. And no offense, but so are you. You two are the last people who should try to be together, and I mean that from a place of love.”
“Why haven’t you said this before?” I ask, confused.
“You never brought it up. I assumed you didn’t want my opinion, but now you’re asking. I have thoughts.” She tosses a piece of sushi in her mouth and waits for me to process.
“Why shouldn’t we be together?” I ask. She doesn’t know Max has blocked me, so it’s not like there’s even a chance of that happening.
“Right now you’re both not in a place where relationships would work.
I can’t say much without saying things I probably shouldn’t know, but Aspen can’t keep a secret from me.
But I just think in this headspace, you both would be better off with someone else, or at least taking space from the other instead of trying to force things.
” River sighs. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but I don’t want to see you hurt anymore. ”
“It’s not what I want to hear, but it’s all irrelevant anyway because Max blocked me,” I admit.
“She what?! Like on social media or everywhere?” River gasps.
“Everywhere. It was before I lost my account, so on there too, but my texts no longer go through. She’s made it very clear she no longer wants to speak to me.” My voice cracks at the end; I can feel the tears brimming in my eyes. I don’t want to cry, but it’s not like I can control it.
“Did you guys ever talk after Halloween?” River asks.
“No. I tried apologizing and instead got blocked. Which is sort of what added to my spiral. Because, sure, we’ve taken breaks in the past, but she’s never removed me completely from her life. It feels more permanent.” The tears fall quietly from my eyes, and River catches them before I can.
“I’m so sorry.” She pulls me in for a hug, her arms around my neck. She rubs my back for a second before returning to normal and waiting for me to say more.
“I’m just sorry for everything. I’m still not perfect, and I’m still in the rough of it all, but I’m trying. I’m in therapy three times a week and taking my meds. I’ve even been walking every day just around the neighborhood to ‘get some fresh air’,” I say, rolling my eyes.
“And it’s all helping?” River asks.
“It is. As much as I wish I could stay in bed and make everything better, this is actually helping,” I admit. “But I’m not ready to tackle everything in therapy yet, so I’m starting small.”
“That’s completely understandable. As long as you’re putting in the work I know it’ll be worth it for you. I’m so glad you are.” River touches my hand, gently squeezing it.
It’s the first time in weeks someone has held my hand.
It feels more intimate than I expected. Not like I am suddenly falling for River or something, but just knowing how much she loves and cares for me.
She is someone I trust wholeheartedly and knowing that even when she is upset with me, she always has my best interests at heart.
It shouldn’t surprise me; we’ve been friends for over twenty years. But for some reason, I always feel like I had to test the love of those around me. Like, do they really love me? Will they stay no matter what?
It isn’t fair, but it was like a game in my head trying to figure out how much they’ll take on for me. I don’t do it consciously, but I also don't stop it.
“Do you think Gus and Max will ever forgive me?” I ask quietly.
“I think for now, it might be best to leave them both alone. Gus is happy, and I’d like to see it stay that way. Maybe one day you’ll be able to work things out, but for now, maybe try not to think about it,” River says.
“You do realize that’s impossible for me?” I ask with an awkward chuckle.
“I know, but I’m hopeful that the more therapy you do it’ll be easier for you.
Aspen didn’t always believe me at first, either, but you saw how much therapy helped her.
I know you’ve already been seeing Shirley for some time, but maybe now you’re ready to deep dive into all the things you’ve been keeping close to your chest.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, all the issues with your family, and why you think what Max was giving you was enough. You deserve the world, and I know you see that in yourself in a lot of ways, but for some reason, when it comes to relationships, you settle for less.” River sighs.
“It’s like that quote from ‘Perks of Being a Wallflower’ right? We accept the love we think we deserve.”
It was one of my favorite movies growing up, and that line might be ingrained in my brain.
“But who says that’s what you deserve?” River says.
My eyebrows furrow together, and I think about that.
I don’t know what made me think being with Max to any degree was enough.
Deep down I knew it wasn’t, which is why I was always begging for more.
Searching for crumbs or signs that I’d eventually get more than she could offer.
River was right, she wasn’t capable of being with me right now in the ways I wanted. Not that I was any better.
The last thing I can do right now is be accountable for anyone else’s feelings. I’m not ready for a relationship, and all I am doing is searching for one. Probably so I didn’t have to think about what is really going on with me.
If I could bury myself in a relationship with someone else or someone else’s issues, then things wouldn’t be so bad with me. The only problem is that my problems follow me wherever I go. Which is why, despite blowing up my life so publicly, even when I tried to escape from it, I couldn’t.
“Why don’t we let my therapist handle my existential breakthrough, and we can relax with a cheesy rom-com from the early 2000s?” I suggest shaking the thoughts from my head.
“Only if you get the remote because I’m in a sushi coma and I do not want to move.” River smiles.
“Deal.” I laugh, grabbing the remote and tossing it to River.
She’s cuddled under a Christmas blanket, which makes me realize how close we are to the holidays.
I’ve spent so much time trying to feel human again that I forgot the world kept going on without me.
It’s weird, knowing that I was on pause for so long, but things kept moving forward.
It makes me wonder what else, or who else is moving forward.
I try to focus on the movie, chowing down on my California roll, but it’s useless.
I can’t shake the thought of knowing I’m so bad at love that I don’t know why I try.