Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
CARI
I have a face mask on while I Zoom with Shirley.
In my defense, I forgot about our session, and it’s not like it wasn’t self-care.
I needed it on for another six minutes, and it will be quick to rinse off.
Plus, it was worth Shirley’s laugh when I answered the call before she returned to therapist mode.
“So, you ran into Max again? Hopefully you weren’t wearing this mask,” Shirley teases.
“Excuse me, as a therapist, aren’t you supposed to listen and not talk?” I roll my eyes.
“Yes, sorry. Go on.” She smirks.
“Yes, I knew it was coming, and I prepared myself in all the ways we talked about. I wrote down all the possibilities in my journal, and then, of course, none of them happened. She was super kind, and after we agreed to be professional, we were alone, and then we sort of talked. I apologized for my part, and then she apologized for her part. It was surprising,” I explain.
“Then I saw her again this weekend at Isla’s birthday party.
We talked for hours, and it felt like old times. ”
“Wow, and how do you feel?” Shirley asks.
“Really good. It was completely unexpected, so I was a bit speechless, but it was a great relief. Like, I hadn’t anticipated her talking to me at all at the party or keeping it just about the photo shoot, but she said I looked happy.”
“That must’ve felt great.”
“It really did. And she sort of asked me out on a date.” I smile, burying the lead.
“Oh, and what did you say?” Shirley is clearly holding back her thoughts, but I know her well enough to know what she’s not saying.
“I told her yes,” I admit.
“Okay, do you want to talk about what that might mean?” she asks.
“Not really.” I shrug.
“Okay, well, let’s discuss it anyway. What are you looking to get by going on another date with her?”
“Well, I should clarify I don’t think I’ve ever actually been on a date with her,” I admit.
“Oh…” Shirley pauses. “Why is that?”
“The first time we got together it sort of happened naturally. Seeing each other without asking for labels or dates. But then this last time it was the opposite, her labeling everything and making sure there weren’t any blurred lines,” I explain.
“How do you mean?”
“Well, she would make sure I knew we were only friends with benefits. Nothing more, we had a list of rules and boundaries to follow, and we didn’t stray from it. If we ever did, then she was careful to clear things up by adding more boundaries.”
“Were these boundaries you both came up with and discussed?”
“No.” I shake my head. “They were always hers.”
“And that didn’t bother you?” She raises an eyebrow.
I sigh. “Well it wasn’t my favorite thing, but I knew if I pushed her too much on it then she would end everything.”
“So instead of voicing your opinions and feelings on things, you chose to stay quiet so you could keep what you could get?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think it would be beneficial to discuss what you want out of this moving forward to prevent that from happening again? Or would you like to go back to just getting whatever she gives you?” Shirley asks.
“Of course not, it’s beneficial to talk to you about what I want.”
“And then to Max?”
I frown, I knew the right answer, of course.
But I also knew what part of me was leaning toward.
Of course, I was thinking with my vagina, knowing how good sex with Max was.
The part of me that hadn’t seen much action except for my collection of vibrators and dildos.
I was in a bit of a drought, taking a break from women while I worked on myself.
It had been better for the most part. Except now that I was going to see Max again, i’s like my vagina is waking up and remembering.
It was used to high end caviar and I’ve been giving it fish in a can.
Maybe that isn’t the best analogy for my pussy, but I know what I mean.
“Cari?” Shirley prompts, making me realize how long I’ve gone quiet.
“Sorry, I was thinking.” I glance at the clock, it was past six minutes. “I’ll be right back. I have to rinse this off.”
I excuse myself to the bathroom and wash my face. I return with a dry face and take a sip of my water.
Shirley is still waiting for me to say something, so I start, “Yes, you’re right, I do want to talk to her, and I know I should talk to her about what I want.
But I’ve also been here before, and I’m worried I’m going to think with my vagina and sleep with her.
Even though she promised me otherwise.” I sigh.
“Promised you otherwise, how?”
“When she asked me out, I sort of hesitated because she made it seem like she wanted to hook up. But then she clarified and promised we’d have our clothes on the whole time, and it was an actual date,” I explain.
“Is this different from the past with her?”
“Yes. In the past, she’d do anything to avoid using the word date and would only want to see me if our clothes weren’t on. So this is a bit of new territory for me. She said she wants to take me to this bowling alley in Brooklyn and grab some food on the way.”
“It sounds like she’s trying to change. Is it possible that she used your time apart to heal parts of herself as you did?” Shirley asks.
“I mean, I guess. It wasn’t something I really considered. She seems the same to me, but almost like not as stressed? She used to always look so stressed, and I felt like I was always trying to fix it. But I don’t know if now I’m just not trying to fix it or she really is less stressed.”
“That makes sense. She might be working on things of her own, and you might be more in tune with your own feelings instead of worrying about everyone else’s,” Shirley says.
“Do you think maybe you could treat this like a first date? Like despite your history maybe let things be as it would with someone brand new?”
“Like not sleep with her?” I ask, confused.
“Well, yes. But also, treat it as a chance to get to know her. Maybe don’t assume you know everything about her, especially since you spent six months apart.
You could try getting to know this version of Max while letting her get to know this version of Cari.
Maybe these are the versions of you both that are compatible. ”
“Oh. But what if we aren’t compatible?”
“Then so what? Would you be upset if you gave it a chance, or will you be happy that at least you tried?”
“I-I mean, I’d be upset, but it’s not like it would be the worst thing to happen to us,” I admit. “I guess I’d be happy we gave it a try when we were both doing well.”
“Exactly. It might be a good idea to manage expectations before this date and have a conversation with Max about what you’re both looking for. I wouldn’t normally recommend this, but since there’s a complicated history, it might be beneficial.”
“Like making sure this isn’t some long play to sleep with me?” I ask.
“Yes, setting boundaries is something you’ve had trouble with in the past, so this might be the chance to practice that. If you’re clear about what you want and what you’re looking for out of this, it might clear up miscommunications in the future.”
“Okay.” I nod.
“That’s all for us today, but I suggest writing it out in your journal before you speak with her. Think about what you’re really looking for and see if that’s something that matches with her expectations. Just don’t treat it like a conversation because you shouldn’t negotiate your boundaries.”
“Okay,” I say, closing my laptop.
I grab my journal and sit on the floor next to the foot of my bed. I get one of my fancy colored pens and open to a fresh page, writing the date across the top. I like to look back and know what was going on in my head and see how far I’ve come since then.
I tap the pen to my chin before starting the list.
I want a real relationship
I don’t want there to be anyone else
I don’t want to feel like I’m ‘too much’
I don’t want to be treated like a secret
I want sex
I want to be able to talk about my feelings…and know about yours
I want to have more than just sex
Looking over the list, I take a deep breath. I knew I wanted something real with Max, that wasn’t anything new. But I knew how she felt about relationships; she wasn’t interested in having one, especially with me.
Why am I even doing this? Why has she asked me out?
Max said she wasn’t just trying to get me into bed, and I like to think she wasn’t lying to me despite everything.
But then why now? Would she have still asked me out if she hadn’t run into me at the photoshoot in DC?
I didn’t even know she unblocked my phone number until I saw her call coming in.
It shocked the hell out of me to see her name appear on my phone again.
We’d only texted once since then, when she asked if I was okay with going bowling.
I thought it sounded like a fun date so I said yes.
The old Max never would’ve asked me to go bowling.
Maybe Shirley was right, maybe Max had worked on herself in the same ways I had. I bite the bullet and call her. Too much could get lost over texting, and I didn’t want to lose my nerve.
“Hey, what’s up?” Max answers.
“You got a minute?”
“Uh, sure, all good?” I can hear the hesitation in her voice.
“Yeah, I just want to clear some things up. About our date,” I clarify.
“Okay, what’s up?” Max asks.
“It’s more about me saying some things to let you know where I’m at. I don’t want there to be any confusion,” I say.
“Okay…” Max waits for me to continue.
“I’m not looking to go back to the way things were.
It was incredibly toxic and hard on my mental health.
I’ve worked hard to be in a good spot, and that includes voicing my needs.
So if you’re interested in taking me out, you should know I’m looking for a serious relationship.
If that doesn’t line up with your needs, I don’t think we should go out.
I don’t want to waste our time or cause unnecessary drama,” I say it in one full breath because I’m afraid that if I don’t, it won’t come out.
Max chuckles. “God you’re cute. I wouldn’t have asked you out if I didn’t want to date you.
I think you know that about me. But I’m glad we’re talking about this.
I’d like for us to take things slow, but let’s say our first few dates go well, then I’d be interested in seeing what a relationship looks like with you. ”
I let out a deep breath. That definitely wasn’t the response I was expecting.
“I know, you didn’t expect that. And that’s okay. I was a shitty person, and I’m doing what I can to right all those wrongs. But trust me when I say I’m doing what I can to woo you and show you I’ve changed,” Max says.
“Okay,” I say, shocked.
“Now, I’m at a shoot, but if you wanna chat more about this before Thursday, I can call you later. Is that okay?” Max asks. She had left her shoot to answer my call? That was unheard of.
“Uh, no no. I’m okay, I’m glad we’re on the same page.”
“Me too. Can’t wait to see you.”
Max hangs up, leaving me more confused than I have ever been. Maybe Shirley was right, this date wouldn’t just be our first, but a chance for us to get to really know each other.