Chapter 21
21
W ith cream white walls, gleaming black and white mosaic floor, and the stage decorated with jasmine garlands, the banquet hall looked like a new bride that evening. But nothing could match the brilliant beauty of her best friend’s smile.
Chaaru held Mona’s elbow while she maneuvered her elaborate skirts up the stairs to the stage. Her lehenga, made of ivory silk, flared and swished with every step. Stitched with beads and exquisite lace work, her bodice shone in competition with the simple diamond choker at her throat.
Dressed in a matching ivory colored kurta, Dom stood under the arch, his grin so wide that it rivaled the light sweeping down from the oversized chandelier. Happiness radiated from him.
Eyes wide in her face, Mona looked around the small dais that was surrounded by friends and family. Their twins Sid and Sanjana, Kaasi, and a few others had flown in for this last celebration.
Mona turned, stumbled, and Dom caught her immediately. Laughter broke out among the watching crowd.
The priest—how Mona found a Hindu priest in Cancun was beyond anyone’s imagination, began chanting and directed the couple to exchange garlands made of fragrant jasmine buds.
Mona bent her head as Dom went first and draped the garland around her neck, adjusting it to sit beneath her elaborate flower-wrapped braid.
Applause resounded, the twenty or so guests looking like colorful butterflies surrounding the bride and groom.
When it was Mona’s turn to put the garland around his neck, a grinning Dom lifted his head out of reach. Pouting, Mona tried and failed again.
With a cheer and rowdy commentary, the guests divided into two groups, one cheering Mona on and one goading Dom to not succumb to the alternating glare and entreaty from his bride. Then bets began, with everyone present calling out dollar numbers and time limits.
Laughing, Chaaru caught Sanjana’s gaze. Sanjana shoulder bumped Kaasi while Chaaru grabbed DP’s hand and pulled him to Mona’s side.
Slowly, DP and Kaasi moved to stand behind Mona, while Sanjana and Chaaru blocked Dom from moving back further. A whisper and a whoop later, Kaasi and DP lifted Mona between them, and she threw the garland around Dom’s neck.
Disappointed groans joined thunderous cheers as Mona grabbed Dom’s head and pressed a hard kiss to his forehead. The priest looked dumbfounded, and Chaaru, leaning against DP, blinked hard to keep the tears in.
Eventually, the priest regained his composure and ordered the bride and groom to take their seats to conduct a few more rituals to bless their married life.
Mona and Dom exchanged rings and whispered vows, the rhythmic Sanskrit chants underpinning the ceremony with a sacred tone.
Years ago, Chaaru had been disillusioned with rituals and the whole institution of marriage. Traditions and customs had bound her so tight that she hadn’t been able to breathe. And yet now, witnessing Mona and Dom celebrate twenty-five years of partnership with a man she adored, a tiny sliver of faith broke through to the surface. To not only stay standing, but to gaze at each other with such sheer happiness… this was how it was supposed to be. This was what she could have, if only she reached out.
They settled into chairs that had been pulled up around the dais as the photographer arranged the D’Souza family for pictures.
The tinkle of her bangles at her wrist as she shifted restlessly had DP turning towards her. “Did I tell you that you look gorgeous in that lehenga?” he said, playing with the folds of her elaborate skirt.
She nodded absently, her mind on other things.
“Char?”
“Did you ever want to get married?” She felt his shock but couldn’t regret the question. She had bottled her heart for too long already.
He traced the veins on the back of her hands. “Yes. My parents adored each other until the day they died in that accident. And it wasn’t performative, perfect love either. They bickered constantly and made up and argued and debated and kissed in front of the kids, challenged each other. When you grow up witnessing such a sacred thing, you don’t want to settle for anything less.”
Chaaru swallowed. His hand in hers looked both alien and familiar, the fingers long and thick, with square blunt nails. And he had used those fingers to strum her body all the way to the delirious edge. He had also held her gently, as if she were precious, with those same hands.
This was a man who would always use whatever power he had, physical or emotional, towards making her feel pleasured and treasured. Only for that. The conscious admission released some hidden tightness in her chest.
“But,” he said, tugging her braid until she leaned against his shoulder, “I also know that happiness doesn’t come only in those rigid structures and within defined boundaries. That’s one way of commitment.”
Tears knocking at her eyes, Chaaru hid her face in his neck. “How do you always know to say the right thing?”
“I think you underestimate your part in how easy this is, sweetheart.”
She looked up, the rough linen of his waistcoat reminding her of how he’d laid out an array of waistcoats on the bed and asked her to choose what complemented her outfit best. This from a man who only owned white shirts and navy sweaters and black pants. “What do you mean?” she asked, playing with the button.
“You make it easy to say the right thing. You are-”
Whatever he meant to say misted away as someone came to stand behind them and cleared their throat.
Chaaru looked up to find Kaasi staring down at them from his great height, arms folded at his chest. She jerked up, out of habit more than anything else. Her head bumped DP’s chin and a hiss of pain fell from his lips.
Walking around, Kaasi kneeled in front of DP, mumbling a string of apologies. With one hand on DP’s knee, he clasped the older man’s cheek and lifted it gently. Her heart flamed in her chest, melting away any remnant shards of ice as Chaaru watched her son’s gentle concern and sheer affection for the man at her side.
His eyes full of tears, DP said, “I’m fine. She just knocked me hard.”
“Nothing new then,” Kaasi said, including Chaaru in his gaze.
DP coughed, his cheeks turning red. Having embarrassed DP, her son wriggled his brows and turned his knowing gaze in her direction.
Chaaru fidgeted, for once not knowing what to say to him.
“Took you two long enough,” Kaasi pronounced, a smug slant to his mouth. Planting his elbows on DP’s knees, he propped his chin on his laced hands. “You’ve no idea how long I’ve been wanting to fight TJ over who gets your collection of old comics. Now you can make it official by adding me to your will.”
Chaaru stilled while DP sank his fingers into Kaasi’s hair and tugged it roughly. Her twenty-one-year-old son made a sound like a bull, or was it a dog, and tried to get DP to dislodge his fingers by digging his head into the man’s stomach. The scuffle continued on and on, tightening her already frazzled nerves.
She’d all but forgotten about Kaasi, caught up as she had been in DP. In all these years, she’d never let him come face to face with a lover. Now, she’d broken all the rules and with a man Kaasi adored.
“We’re not getting married,” Chaaru announced, more to shut their antics down than meaning it with any conviction.
DP straightened Kaasi’s collar and patted his cheek.
Kaasi turned to Chaaru, took in her expression. Then he shot to his feet. “Sorry, didn’t mean to shove my enormous foot into my mouth. I was just… so happy to see you two together, finally.”
“We’re together,” Chaaru said, grabbing DP’s hand. By the tension in his frame, she knew that she’d made a misstep again. Damn her and her impulsive, fear-laden mouth. “Just not how you…” her face flamed as Kaasi stared at their hands together, “Just not in the traditional sense or in ways you’re used to, maybe. Actually, we don’t know what we will be beyond this week. Are you…will you be okay with that?”
Leaning down, Kaasi pressed a kiss to her cheek, and the scent of him comforted her. “As long as DP will admit that he loves me more than TJ.”
DP laughed, but there was a hollowness to it. “You and I are always going to be friends, Kaasi. You know that, right?”
“Absolutely, my man,” Kaasi said, doing some weird male bonding ritual with DP that involved hands and knees and chests. Then he kissed her cheek again, whispered, ‘let’s keep him, mom,’ and sauntered off to join his friends.
Was it that simple, Chaaru wondered. All she needed to do was to decide to keep DP and he would be hers?
What about their finances? Their homes? Living together in any form or fashion required compromise from both partners. Was she ready to give up her hard-won freedom? Was there a middle ground? Could she and DP maintain separate households, separate lives and still build something meaningful together?
No, her inner voice answered instantly. They couldn’t . And it wasn’t what she wanted with him. She wanted more. She wanted…everything. She wanted the everyday mundane moments and the dreamy romance, all with him.
Her mind raced as things she hadn’t considered in years came at her like little flies surrounding an overripe fruit.
“Breathe, Char,” DP said, tapping the back of her tightly clasped hands.
“Can we go somewhere private? Lunch isn’t for another hour,” she whispered, knowing that she couldn’t postpone this anymore. When he didn’t budge, she frowned. “We have to talk at some point.”
“Do we?” He sounded dead serious.
“What…” her mouth turned Sahara-dry. “What do you mean?”
“We don’t need some kind of after-action review, Char,” he said, running his fingers over her knuckles. “Kaasi’s a big boy. No, a grown man, in fact. Don’t let his comments push you into something you’re not ready to consider, much less talk about.”
“That’s not…I mean, yes, he shone a bright light on the elephant we’ve been skirting all week, but it’s not like it hasn’t been on my mind.” Her voice shook but she continued. “I’ve been counting down days, hours, even minutes with dread. You can’t really think things haven’t changed for me in the last week.”
Lifting her hand, DP brought it to his mouth. The gentle press filled her with a restlessness that edged toward dread. How was he so calm when she was flitting from thought to thought like a leaf blown by the wind?
“This week with you…” a rueful grin split his mouth, “I thought I knew what it would be like. I imagined it enough times.” His brown eyes held hers, a wealth of affection in them. “But reality beat out every fantasy. Like out of this world, this plane, this realm itself.” His throat bobbed up and down as he swallowed whatever else came to his lips. “So, if I’m reeling from it this much, I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.”
For the first time in the twenty years that she’d known him, his perfect understanding of her confusion rattled Chaaru.
She wanted to be pushed into a decision, she realized with mounting alarm. She wanted him to sweep her up and seduce her into saying yes to whatever he wanted. But that wasn’t how DP operated.
And he knew, and she knew , that whatever she gave him under the cloud of passion, she’d regret it. That’s why he’s pulling back , she told herself, but the reassurance sounded hollow.
“Char?”
“I’m all upside down,” she said, admitting the truth, “and the number of things flashing through my mind when I consider…”
“Don’t consider any of them. Finish your vacation on a high note and ring in the new year with Mona and Kash as you planned to. Leave this here. Leave us here.”
“How?” she demanded with such force that heads turned toward them. She flushed, not wanting to create a scene. But not willing to back down anymore either. Gazing into his eyes, she lowered her voice. “Is that what you’re planning to do—leave us here?”
He sighed. “I was waiting until tomorrow evening to tell you, but I guess I can do it now.”
Her heart gave a loud thump against her ribcage, as if begging her to finish this soon. To put it out of its misery. “What is it?”
“When we return home,” he said, “I’m leaving for a two-month trip through Southeast Asia.”
The bottom dropped out of Chaaru’s body, her world. “When did you decide this? When I asked you, you said you had made no concrete plans.”
It felt like betrayal, but how could it be when he didn’t owe her anything?
“This last month, when we weren’t talking and things got awkward, I took a hard look at my life. I spent most of my twenties resentful of my responsibilities. Then the last few years learning to live with the fact that I had nothing without TJ and Maggie taking up space in my life. Then, I was bemoaning losing you without ever acting on…Anyway, I sat down and made a list.”
There was such a bright light in his eyes when he said that that Chaaru boxed up her worries for the moment. “What’s on this list? Tell me.”
“Travel. Joining a poetry club. Spending my hard-earned money on once-in-a-lifetime experiences. I’ve always wanted to explore the world. But I put my dreams on back-burner for so long that I forgot they existed.”
His exhale was long and deep, his eyes swimming with regrets that Chaaru couldn’t bear to see. She lifted his hands to her mouth, kissing each knuckle with all the love in her heart.
“Are you sure you want to hear this? I don’t want to bore you with the details.”
She shook her head, blinking back tears. “This is your life we’re talking about. I want to know everything, DP. I want you to find the happiness and excitement you need.” Even if he didn’t ask her to be a part of it.
He nodded. “Right before I left for SFO, TJ told me he’s moving in with his girlfriend. I realized I lived my whole life in that house. And how lonely I would be without him messing up everything. How entrenched I have become in a rut. So, I reached out to some friends, did some research, trawled through online groups and joined a mountaineering group based out of SFO.”
He traced the dark red swirls of mehndi on her palms, keeping her anchored to him when she’d have fragmented. Of course, he was finally building a life for himself, and she should be elated for him. She would be any moment, she told herself.
“I’ve got enough staff running the firm now that I can take a few weeks off here and there. When you asked me, the mountaineering group didn’t have a spot in the near future. Last night, I got an email that someone dropped out.”
Chaaru tried to stop the dazed feeling from showing up in her face. No way was she going to let her new desperation trip his plans.
How ironic that the moment he told her he would be out of reach was when everything slid into place in her heart?
She didn’t care how they’d manage their finances or their living situations or her debt or his mountaineering or anything else. All she wanted was to spend her life with this man. She might not have asked the mehndi artist to draw his initials into her palm like Mona had Dom’s, but they were already inked on her heart.
Waking up together, trying new restaurants, going on adventures, staying in and watching movies, spending a rainy day in bed with him…she wanted the adventure, the quiet and still moments, and she wanted it all with him.
“I think that’s the best thing I’ve heard since Mona’s decision to throw this party,” she said, forcing a cheer into her words. Though she didn’t have to try too hard. She’d seen the light of excitement in his eyes and knew he needed this desperately. Knew that his happiness, his search for that spark inside him mattered more than her own selfish need to give this a label at this last moment.
“Yeah?” he said, a flicker of doubt shadowing his earlier excitement. “I didn’t tell anyone and right now, I feel all kinds of stupid.”
“What? Why?”
“Sounds like a mid-life crisis, no? I can just imagine what TJ and Maggie will say and I-”
Chaaru pressed her hand to his mouth. “Nuh, huh. None of that, DP. If they aren’t elated for you, then they…no, there’s no way they won’t be happy that you’re finally doing something for yourself. Just don’t…like fall off a cliff somewhere and die, okay? I couldn’t bear to…”
He laughed and when she shivered, pulled her closer. Mona and Dom strolled over, wanting to know what was going on. Dom’s whoop-whoop brought the others, and DP stated his plans again with growing excitement and Chaaru’s chest ached.
It hurt that he wasn’t going home with her. Or rather, he was taking her home—his heart, with him and leaving her hollow.