Chapter 38 #2
“No.” His jaw clenches, a muscle twitching. “Originally, yes. But that’s not why—”
“You trying to tell me you’ve changed?” I laugh, bitter and full of scorn. “You trying to tell me you’ve resigned?”
“I have, I—”
“You expect me to believe that? It’s not even fucking official! Is this a ploy?”
Declan takes a long breath. Straightens his back. Lowers his shoulders.
“You fucking lying, backstabbing, son of a—”
“Raven.” His voice cuts across. “Sit your ass back down and listen to me. For one minute.”
“Why the fuck should I? What the hell could you have to say to me that I need to hear?”
“Please.”
The raw need in his voice makes me falter. I cross my arms, glaring at him. I’m not going to sit down. “Sixty seconds. That’s all you get. You don’t even deserve that.”
He runs a hand through his hair, then leans back against the kitchen counter, gripping the edge of it, knuckles white. “Yes, I was an undercover FBI agent. Yes, I was sent to bring in Kurt Renner.”
Fuck. We are so screwed.
I have a gun in my waistband, digging into the small of my back. Can I kill him?
No… I can’t. Even if his sister wasn’t watching, I couldn’t bring myself to do that. It’s not me.
I don’t even know why I brought the goddamn gun.
“That all changed,” Declan continues, “and you’re the reason.”
I jerk like he’s slapped me. “Me? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“From the very first moment I met you, I was… pulled to you. Your ferociousness. Your spirit. You’re the most alive person I know.
That raven on your back? That’s you, right there.
Always diving, never flinching. The way you ride, the way you fight, the way you…
” He gives a short laugh, then continues in a soft voice. “The way you do everything.”
The way you fuck. My mind fills in what he can’t say in front of his sister.
But it’s all irrelevant.
“So what, I’m the reason for your crisis of conscience?”
“I wouldn’t put it like that, but… yes.”
“You saw me, and couldn’t resist?” My tone is scathing. Like anyone could believe that for even a minute.
“I know I haven’t exactly…” He takes a breath. “I want the chance to show you who I really am, and it’s not Declan Maddox, it’s Declan Hale.” His sister frowns as she listens but says nothing. “I want to go riding with you. Play pool with you. Hell, get into bar fights with you.”
“We’ve already done that.”
“Yes, and I want more of it. So much more.”
I shake my head. “I can’t believe a word you say any longer.”
“Everything I’m telling you is the truth.”
“Everything I know about you is a lie.”
“Not everything,” he protests, stepping away from the counter. Taking a pace toward me.
This time, it’s me that backs up. I desperately need the space between us. “You stayed in my apartment.”
“Yes…”
“‘I have no secrets from you,’ you said. ‘Ask me whatever you want.’”
He flinches, drawing in a breath with a subtle hiss. “I did. Yes.”
“And you fucking lied. Every goddamn question I asked you, you lied.”
“No, I…”
“You’re lying now!”
His shoulders slump. His head goes forward. “You’re right. I deliberately withheld the truth.”
Of course he withheld the truth. He’s a goddamn FBI agent.
Does that somehow justify it?
But it’s not just his job, it’s not just that he represents a threat to all that I hold dear. Tasha. Cammy. Dario and Cole. Kurt. Their futures are all in the hands of this man, and it’s all my fault. And I know I’ll carry the blame of that forever.
Yet in this moment, that’s not what hurts the most.
It’s the betrayal of our relationship.
Everything I thought we had, everything I allowed myself to believe.
Everything I’ve let him do to me. And God, the things I’ve let him do. The things he’s done without me letting him.
All of it a lie.
“I hate you.” So much. “You… I despise you.”
“And I love you.”
Fuck.
We’ve already had this conversation. I didn’t imagine it.
He loves me, and all of the things he says, that’s the one I actually believe. Yet that’s the one I can’t possibly accept. Not after all he’s done.
I look away from him, blinking back tears. I don’t want to cry; he doesn’t deserve it.
He speaks again, voice so gentle and calm when my emotions are anything but. “Ravens mate for life, do you know that? I want to—”
“No!” I cry. “You don’t get to say that! You betrayed me. You fucked me, used me, twisted my heart, and then shattered it like it meant nothing to you!”
“No.” He shakes his head in denial. “No. Raven, I—”
“No more.” I cut a hand through the air. “Your sixty seconds is goddamn up. No more!”
“Wait, please.”
No, I’m done. I turn away to leave, but his hand closes on my arm. I try to shrug him off, but he doesn’t let me. “Get off of me!”
“No. You have to listen.”
My other hand goes to the small of my back. Closes around the butt of my gun and pulls it out. I point it at him. “I don’t have to do shit. You don’t get to tell me.”
He still doesn’t let go. He doesn’t even look at the gun aimed right at his chest.
“Everything you’ve said is true,” he says, voice intense. “Everything I’ve said is a lie.”
“We finally agree—”
“Except the bits about us. I love you, Genesis Greer. Nothing else matters to me but you.”
“Get your hand the fuck off my arm,” I grind out, “or I swear to God I will pull this trigger.”
He steps in closer, pressing his chest into the muzzle of the pistol.
Only then does he let go. “I’ve resigned,” he says, his pale blue eyes locked on mine.
So intense it’s almost painful to hold his gaze.
“I’m not FBI anymore. I’m nothing. There’s no evidence, nothing I will testify to.
They can’t make me. I swear to you, I will not damage you or the crew. ”
“More lies.”
“I’ve thrown my career away for you.”
“Who cares?”
“I brought your bike from Salt Lake City. I never intended—”
“I’d have ridden it my goddamn self if I wasn’t drugged in your truck!”
He draws in a ragged breath, glancing away like he’s searching for something, then meets my gaze again. “That morning I left you and didn’t make it back in time? I was meeting my handler. I didn’t get a choice. Nothing else would have dragged me away from you, and I hated every minute of it.”
“I don’t want to hear this!” All that time, I thought it was me. And it wasn’t, it was just more lies.
“I’ll do anything it takes to prove to you I mean what I say.”
“And I’ll believe none of it.”
“No matter how long it takes, I won’t give up.”
I scoff. “Then you’re wasting your time.”
“Time is all I have now,” he says quietly. “I don’t have a job, nothing to do but prove to you I mean every word I’ve said today.”
I laugh in his face. “You know this whole job shit? That would be so much more convincing if you weren’t sitting on the diamonds you stole from me and the crew.”
He reaches inside his jacket. I freeze, finger clenching on the trigger.
He stops too, watching me carefully. Then his hand continues, slowly.
Drawing out a velvet bag I recognize immediately.
He drops it on the kitchen island, and reaches inside his jacket again.
A second bag, his bag, joins the first. Two little pouches full of diamonds sitting in the kitchen.
His hand goes back inside his jacket for a third time. He doesn’t look at what he’s doing, but holds my gaze for all of it. I swallow hard. He hesitates for a brief moment, then Kurt’s black box joins the diamonds on the counter.
Declan takes a step back, then another. I keep the gun trained on him.
“That’s it,” he says. “Everything I have. I told Renner I’d give him back the box. Would you… please would you see he gets it?”
“You spoke to Kurt?”
“Yeah.”
I laugh, aiming for dry but hearing the note of hysteria it carries. “And I bet you told him you were FBI too, huh?”
“Yeah. I did.”
I stare at him. “You… did?”
“Raven, no more lies. I swear to you, everything I’ve told you is the truth.
There’s nothing I care about but you. My job, my career.
My livelihood, the diamonds, the hardware wallet.
All of it, gone. I have nothing left but my love for you.
Everything false I’ve given up. Everything true is yours. ”
I shake my head. “No. No.”
“Please, Raven. Please.” His raw pain makes his voice deep. “I know I’ve hurt you. God knows, I didn’t mean to. If there’s anything I can do to prove—”
“You can leave me the fuck alone.” I shove my gun back into the waistband of my pants, pick up the diamonds and box, and stuff them in my jacket pockets. “You’re not getting these, you bastard. They’re not yours.”
“I brought them for you,” he says miserably. His pale blue eyes are glistening.
I glare at him. How dare he rob me of every excuse to hate him?
“Stay away from me,” I hiss. “I never want to see you again.”
“Raven—”
“No! Don’t you get it?” I take a step forward, into his face. “You lied to me! I’ll never trust you! And even beyond that”—I shake my head, unable to even articulate it without my rage turning incandescent—“you fucking drugged me! What possible excuse could you have for that?”
Camilla’s gone very still, staring into space. Carefully not looking at either of us.
Declan’s jaw works for a moment before he can speak. “None,” he says, voice cracking. “I’m so sorry.”
“You robbed me of my agency, and you’re sorry? You violated me, and you’re sorry?”
“More sorry than you can ever know.”
He doesn’t try to make excuses. There are legitimate ones he could reach for, but he doesn’t.
“Please,” he murmurs. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“You never had me, Declan.”
The deep hurt in his eyes is strangely cathartic.
“Every man you’ve trusted has either left you or let you down,” he says. “I know I’m on that list now, and it’s my fault I’m there. I just want the chance to prove to you that’s a lie too: I won’t leave you. I’ll never let you down.”
“Too late,” I say, aiming for cold and it coming out sad instead.
He flinches, like something just died inside him. His mouth opens, then closes again, his gaze locking on mine like he’s memorizing my face. He doesn’t even glance toward his sister, who stands with her hand over her mouth, watching us. Listening to everything.
What does she think of her brother now?
I glare at her like this is partly her fault, like my own guilt and shame are because of her existence. It’s not justified, but I’m too angry to care.
I turn on my heel and make myself walk.
“Raven…” Declan speaks my name like it’s been wrenched from his very soul.
I open the door, inhaling the fresh air like it’s life-giving. It’s far too bright outside. My eyes are blurry with unshed tears.
“Please,” he cries. “Please don’t go. I’m begging you. Please don’t do this.”
I step through and slam it shut behind me.
Closing that chapter of my life forever.