Chapter 11
Bowen
When we got back from the river, Cain put a new bandage on my shoulder, which I’d tried to argue against since the wound was pretty much healed at this point.
He warned me not to take it off, then instructed me to go to the living area and sit on the table.
I was reluctant to be away from him, to stop touching him for a second. When his hands were on me or mine on him, I felt the deepest sense of peace. I’d never had that before, that warmth, that security. Knowing I didn’t have to be on edge or alert, that he was there to do that for me.
When he left me in that room alone, unease crept beneath my skin.
I’d forgotten to leave again.
I was supposed to have left. That was my opportunity to get away.
And go where? a tiny voice whispered in my head.
I ignored it.
I could leave tomorrow. He was going to take my muzzle and collar off now. And maybe we would do things like we’d done back at the river again. That had been…amazing. Now I understood why the hounds were always fucking.
But that had felt like more. It felt different than what I’d watched the hounds do. Deeper. I didn’t know how to describe it, but I did know that I wanted to feel that way again.
With Cain.
I couldn’t tell myself he was tricking me anymore. And if he was, then I deserved whatever fate had in store for me.
I couldn’t lie to myself anymore, either. I didn’t want to leave. I liked being here. I liked him.
Cain walked into the room with a small cloth slung over his shoulder, a long metal box in one hand and a bowl of water in the other.
I couldn’t breathe.
“Okay, I’ve got everything. You ready?”
He smiled at me, those deep dents appearing. But as he moved closer, an uncomfortable knot tightened in my chest.
If he took these things off me, I’d hurt him. After all, they were put on for a reason.
I was dangerous. And I could hurt him. No, I already had. Worse, I could kill him.
I’d never cared about hurting anyone before because everyone I’d ever tried to bite or scratch or maim deserved it in some way. I’d only ever known bad people; I refused to harm the only good person in my life.
I watched him carry the box over to me, and the contents inside rattled when he set it down. I jumped when he flipped it open with a loud click.
I was shaking, and I sat on my hands to try and hide the worst of it, but when Cain’s gaze drifted over me, he noticed immediately.
He set down his tools and kneeled between my legs, resting his big hands on my thighs, looking at me with soft eyes. Kind eyes. The only eyes I ever wanted on me. “What’s the matter? Why are you scared?”
Even kneeling, he was tall. But I didn’t find his size intimidating, not at all. It was only reassuring. It made me feel safe, like he’d use it to protect me, never to hurt me.
“I—you can’t take it off,” I rushed out, hoping he didn’t hear the tremor in my voice. “It’s—you just can’t.” I tried to hop down, to run out of the room, but he kept me firmly in place with his hands on my thighs.
“Bowen. Hey, it’s okay. Don’t run away, tell me what’s wrong. Why are you afraid right now?”
He started moving his thumbs in soothing little circles over my trembling thighs, keeping those dark eyes fixed on mine.
“Because I’ll hurt you if you take it off! I’ll hurt you and I don’t want to hurt you, Cain, I don’t—I can’t—”
He framed my face with his big, warm hands. “Slow down. Take a breath.” He breathed in deeply, nodding at me to do the same. I grabbed onto his wrists as I sucked in a wheezing breath.
I just needed to touch him. I needed to touch him, to keep touching him, I needed—
“Good. In and out. Just breathe and listen to me, okay?”
I breathed and stared into his eyes, nodding.
He brushed his thumbs along my cheekbones and said, “Good. I think it’s safe for me to guess that you never had anyone to help you through things before, right?”
I nodded.
“But you do now. You’ve got me. So I’m gonna help you. Okay?”
I nodded again, still breathing deeply as he gazed into my eyes. His voice, his eyes, his hands—every part of him surrounded me, reassured me, walled me in with an unwavering confidence that slowed the frantic beat of my heart.
“Good. Whatever you need, I’m gonna make sure you get it. And I’m gonna make sure you don’t hurt yourself, either. I’ll be right there with you, so you don’t have to be afraid. You’re not going to hurt me, Bowen.”
I glanced at his forearm, the one I’d slashed yesterday. “I already did.”
“Hardly. You just caught me by surprise. If I think I need to restrain you because you might hurt me, I will. But I don’t want to.
You’ve been…” His gaze flitted from the muzzle to the collar and back to my eyes, “…restrained for too long, and I just…I can’t bring myself to do that to you.
Not unless it’s absolutely necessary. I don’t know, not even then, maybe. But it won’t be necessary.”
He couldn’t know that. He couldn’t. He hadn’t seen the monster I was capable of becoming.
Why had I agreed to this? Why had I even wanted it off in the first place? I’d lived just fine with it on, it didn’t need to come off.
I felt nauseous now just thinking about it. Thinking that it might happen again. That I’d be so out of my mind I would do that to him. Just the possibility of it was horrifying.
“Bowen.”
His deep voice was hard and loud, like thunder, rolling right past the fears that were dragging me under and taking hold of me, pulling me out.
“I can handle you, okay? Do you trust me?”
“No.”
I regretted the word as soon as it popped out of my mouth, but it just came out. His face fell and a crushing sadness that I hated—hated—to see took over. Spread.
I kept hurting him and making him sad, and knowing that was like—
I couldn’t breathe—
“Wait, that’s not—I mean, I just—”
“Whoa, slow down—Bowen, you’re okay. It’s okay.” His big hands were on my face again, and I wrapped my fingers around his wrists, holding him against me as he stared into my eyes. I wasn’t letting him pull away, I needed his hands, I needed them.
“I—I—”
“Breathe. Stop trying to talk and breathe. Keep your eyes on me.” He inhaled, raising his brows at me, urging me to do the same. He was so close his nose was practically touching mine.
In.
Out.
I didn’t know if I trusted him. I hadn’t ever thought about it. I didn’t think about a lot of things, not like that. I had never cared about anyone else, I just made sure I got through the day, that I survived. That was all I ever needed to think about.
Trust? I’d never thought about trust or how another person could even be trusted. To do what? To be what? How did you trust someone when no one had ever given you a reason to?
“It’s okay,” he said softly, smiling in spite of the hurt in his eyes. “You don’t have to trust me, and I understand why you don’t. I just hope you know that I would never hurt you. You know that at least, right?”
He searched my eyes, like this was even more important than his question about trust.
All these questions were making me feel so inadequate, so stupid, because I didn’t know how to answer them. I didn’t know! I didn’t know how I felt! I didn’t know if I could trust him or if he would never hurt me!
“I don’t know!” I growled, pushing his hands away and jumping down from the table.
There was an agitated energy humming through me, and I didn’t know what to do with it.
How to get rid of it or stop it from building.
“I don’t know if I can trust you, I don’t know if you’ll never hurt me!
I want to believe that you won’t, but I. Don’t. Know, Cain!”
I was screaming by the end of my tirade, and suddenly all the energy that had risen up from some place deep inside me dissipated, vanishing like smoke. I leaned against the wall, exhausted. Drained. Wanting to find a dark corner to curl up in.
Luna whined, and then there was a wet snout nudging my hand. I slid my palm against the side of her face, feeling the softness of her fur. She rubbed against me, just like I wanted to do with Cain.
That only made me feel worse. Made me feel like I was actually an animal, that I really, truly wasn’t human.
“It’s okay. It’s okay to not know, Bowen. I’m sorry, I didn’t think…I never wanted to make you upset. I don’t ever want to hurt you, or upset you, or make you feel like you have to know things. It’s alright.”
“It’s not alright, you can’t—I don’t—”
I reached up to swipe at the wetness on my face. My vision was blurring, and I could barely speak past the huge lump in my throat.
But he had to know. He’d done so much for me already, and he deserved to know the truth.
I slid down the wall, unable to hold myself up anymore.
“I’m a monster, Cain. And one day, I won’t come back from it. I won’t be me anymore.”