Chapter 20
When we get to the flat, it’s not Mark we find, but Theo. He’s hunched over a laptop on the sofa and when he hears us he turns round, looking guilty.
‘Oh, it’s you guys.’
‘Yes, it’s the person who owns the flat and his sister,’ Yan deadpans. ‘The last people you’d expect to see.’
‘I heard a female voice and panicked, thinking it was Tig.’
‘Why, what sort of sick porn were you watching?’ asks Yan.
Theo’s eyes go wide. ‘I wasn’t watching porn!’
Yan grins. ‘Relax, I was teasing.’
‘I thought Mark was coming to you tonight,’ I say, struggling to match Yan’s jokey mood.
‘That was the plan, but then Tig rang to say she was coming home early, and we had to decamp here so she didn’t see us.’
The front door clicks open, and a couple of moments later, Mark comes up the stairs carrying pizzas and a four-pack of beer. He’s wearing workout gear – black track pants and a red Nike T-shirt – which contrasts weirdly with Theo’s dress shirt and suit trousers.
He pauses at the entrance to the living room, his eyes fixed on me.
‘What are you doing that Tig can’t know about?’ Yan asks. ‘Secretly fucking?’
The coarse language shakes Mark’s attention off me and on to Yan, and he lets out a frustrated breath.
‘If it was that simple, I would have taken it up the arse hours ago. What we’re doing is much more painful and prolonged.’
Theo looks on aghast. ‘Language, Mark! There’s a lady present.’
‘Oh, don’t mind me,’ says Yan. Theo’s about to correct him, but Yan isn’t finished. ‘This sounds very interesting. If it’s open season on Mark’s tush, I’d like an invitation, please.’
Theo looks even more alarmed, but Mark isn’t fazed.
‘Fine, you’re all invited. Nella, too. I’m sure she’s got a dildo she could bring.’
If he thinks he’s shocked me, he’s wrong. ‘I do, and it’s a monster, so I hope you’ve got lots of lube.’
Theo gasps, no doubt confused about whether he needs to rescue my delicate lady ears from my indelicate lady mouth.
Mark levels his gaze to mine. ‘Took matters into your own hands because your ex was lacking?’
I open my mouth but no words come out and he looks smugly pleased with himself.
‘Oh shit,’ wails Theo. ‘Do you think Tig’s got a monster doo-dah, too?’ He looks at Mark. ‘It’s all right for you, mate, but I can’t compete with a …’ Theo’s got the expression of a man who’s trapped his balls in a car door and has just been told by the rescue workers they’ll have to amputate.
Mark winces and shakes his head.
‘I was joking,’ I tell a worried Theo. ‘I don’t have a … okay, I do have one, but …’ Mark stares at me with naked fascination, and it’s making me lose my train of thought. ‘It’s normal-sized,’ I finish, before being compelled to add: ‘And Rich is normal-sized, too.’
I cringe.
Normal is not the right term, but somehow, ‘average’ sounds so much worse.
‘The point is, sex toys can enhance a relationship; they’re not replacements.’ I take a breath to check myself. ‘Could we maybe stop talking about dildos so you can tell us what you’re doing?’
Mark half-smiles, then looks at Theo. ‘Want to do the honours?’
Theo nods gravely. ‘Sure, but I’m going to have to swear you both to secrecy.’
‘Yes, yes, get on with it,’ says Yan, agog.
‘Mark’s giving me secret dance lessons.’
Yan can’t mask his disappointment. ‘And you need to swear us to secrecy about that?’
‘That’s great!’ I say over-enthusiastically. ‘So you can surprise her at the next salsa night?’
‘No, I’m going to carry on learning salsa with Tig, but I’m going to surprise her at the wedding with a tango.’
‘A tango?’ asks Yan. ‘You’re going to learn two dances in under three weeks?’
‘The Greek tango “Gia Ena Tango” is her favourite song. It will be worth it just to see the look on her face.’
‘That’s really sweet,’ I say, this time meaning it.
‘That’s one way of putting it,’ says Mark. ‘Another is “downright crazy”. The logical option would be to talk to Tig and find a song you both want.’
I shake my head. ‘The idea of putting another person’s happiness before your own is completely alien to you.’
Mark looks annoyed by my assessment of him. ‘The idea of learning a brand-new skill in two and a half weeks is the problem here, not the sentiment.’
I turn to Theo. ‘It’s a beautiful gesture.’
‘The pizzas are getting cold,’ says Mark, sounding bored. ‘Do you want us to eat in the kitchen?’ he asks Yan.
‘It’s okay, stay here,’ says Yan. ‘I’m about to use it to cook.’
Yan and I head to the kitchen, but Mark follows.
The kitchen has never struck me as small, but with Mark in here, it feels like it’s shrunk in size. I flatten myself against the wall so he can open the cabinets without bumping into me.
Yan looks at me. ‘Told you he’s the perfect house guest. Who else eats pizza with a knife and fork? Certainly not fucking Rich, judging by the state of your flat.’
Mark acts like he didn’t hear, and I feel hot from shame. Yan should know better than to parade Rich as an un-housetrained slob, because how can it not reflect badly on me?
When Mark leaves, Yan pulls out a frying pan.
‘Thanks a bloody bunch,’ I whisper, closing the door so no one can hear us.
‘What did I do?’ asks Yan, affronted.
‘Apart from blabbing on about Rich being messy? How about starting a whole conversation about bum sex?’
Yan waves his hand dismissively. ‘That was Mark.’
‘No, it wasn’t.’
He frowns. ‘Okay, maybe you’re right. But you’re the one who brought up dildos.’ He adds olive oil to the pan. ‘A subject you felt the need to run with.’
‘He was deliberately winding me up.’ I sink into a kitchen chair. ‘You didn’t hear the shitty things he said about Tig the other night.’
‘Like what?’
‘Like, if Theo knew what she was really like, he’d run a mile.’
‘If my mate was marrying her, I might warn him off, too. She can be a lot.’
Why is Yan defending him? ‘We can say that because she’s our sister, but he said that to my face and then acted surprised when I got angry.’
Yan takes out the cured pork and starts slicing. ‘He’s just looking out for Theo. When he talks about him, it’s obvious he thinks of him like a bro—’ Yan stops himself.
‘It’s okay, you can say it. You can mention Leo.’
‘All I’m saying is he’s acting protectively, not maliciously.’
I pause, unsure to say more. ‘He called him Leo by accident the other night.’
‘That kinda proves my point, doesn’t it?’
He adjusts the gas burner. ‘Theo gets a look in his eye sometimes that reminds me of Leo.’
He’s right, I suddenly realise. I had the same feeling of déjà vu at Tig’s dinner, but I didn’t put two and two together.
He drops the chopped guanciale into the frying pan, and the accompanying sizzle makes it hard to keep talking. It’s a welcome lifeline because I don’t want to keep thinking about Leo.
Fifteen minutes later, we’re digging into our spaghetti carbonara, and the music has started up next door, signalling the lesson has resumed.
‘Theo must be crazy about Tig,’ says Yan.
I nod. ‘I’m not convinced a hurried wedding is what Tig would have chosen for herself, but he’s going out of his way to make it as perfect as possible.’
We eat, trying not to giggle every time the music stops and then restarts from the beginning. The same ten bars play over and over on an endless loop.
‘I need a drink,’ groans Yan. ‘Shall I pop open the Lambrusco?’
‘No, I should get going.’
‘You can’t leave without seeing how they’re getting on.’
‘That’s the last thing Theo needs. It’s bad enough that we’re in here cackling at his efforts.’
Before I can stop him, Yan’s bounding into the living room. I follow at a respectful distance, my curiosity too piqued to stay behind.
Mark is sitting on the arm of the sofa counting while Theo moves around the centre of the living room, his arms holding a non-existent partner. They both stop when they see us.
‘Don’t mind us,’ says Yan blithely. He drops himself on the sofa, but I stay at the kitchen door.
Mark begins counting again. But before Theo can take a step, Yan interrupts. ‘Surely Theo needs to be dancing with a partner?’
‘We can work on that another time,’ says Mark.
‘Nella’s right here. She can do it with him.’
I try to stare daggers at Yan while at the same time trying to look supportive of Theo so he doesn’t feel rejected. The net result is a facial expression that probably baffles everyone.
Theo turns his hopeful gaze to me. ‘Could you bear it? It would really help.’
‘I haven’t done tango for ages,’ I say, stalling.
‘Plus, I’m not sure I’m dressed for it.’ I’m wearing ballet flats, a narrow knee-length skirt, and a chiffon blouse that doesn’t have any give in it.
If I stretch my arms too much, the buttons will pop open and give everyone an eyeful of my faded old M&S bra.
Yan is on his feet, pulling me towards the centre of the room.
‘It’s like riding a bike, Nell. Come on, it’s for a good cause.’
Against all fifteen stone of Yan’s gym-honed bulk, I’ve got no chance, and I find myself standing in front of a grateful Theo.
‘Do you know how to get into hold?’ I ask him.
‘Yes, I’ve been watching videos,’ he replies proudly.
‘Of the wrong dance,’ mutters Mark.
Theo looks confused. ‘But Tig said I needed to watch that last dance in Dirty Dancing.’
‘That’s because she’s teaching you salsa,’ says Mark.
Theo looks at me, confused. ‘And they’re different?’
I nod with a new-found grudging respect for what Mark’s up against.
‘You’re not doing that overhead lift, are you?’ I ask, suddenly nervous.
‘No, no,’ Theo replies.
Mark just manages to make ‘Thank fuck’ sound like a cough.
I offer Theo my hand, and he stiffly takes it.
‘More extension,’ says Mark, coming to stand by Theo’s side. Theo corrects his arm and looks to Mark, who shakes his head. ‘Too much.’
Theo frowns in concentration and makes another adjustment.
‘Better. Now drop your shoulder.’
‘This is crazy,’ says Yan. ‘We’ll be here all night. Just show him how it’s done.’
‘If I’m dancing I can’t correct him,’ says Mark.
‘You won’t have to correct him if you demonstrate it.’