Chapter 40
Yan is back from the gym. I find him in his room and persuade him to come to the supermarket with me. I want to stay out of the house until Mark leaves with Kiki in case I have a moment of weakness and take up his offer of going with them.
‘I can’t believe you go to the gym on holiday,’ I tell him, as I push our trolley down the aisle.
Yan peers at jars of spices on the shelves. ‘No pecs, no sex.’
This is the part where I usually shake my head sadly at him, but I can’t help thinking about Mark’s pecs earlier and how viscerally I reacted to his body. And how he reacted to mine.
I pick up a tube of tomato purée and put on a show of being fascinated by it, paranoid that Yan can read my mind.
‘I heard you with Mark, earlier,’ he says.
I freeze. ‘You did?’
‘Sounded like you’d made up. I’m glad.’
I feel light-headed. He’s glad? He can’t be talking about the shed, can he?
‘You saw us in the garden?’
‘No, you guys were laughing in the kitchen when I got back. Not sure I’ve heard either of you laugh that hard. What a difference a day makes,’ he says, smiling.
He’s right. And he doesn’t even know the half of it.
When we get home, Yan prepares the fresh sea bream we bought, marinating it in an olive and caper sauce so it’s ready for grilling, while I prepare vegetables for roasting.
Last night’s hospital drama has caught up with all of us so everyone’s happy with a quiet night in, and after we’ve eaten, we sit outside sipping wine.
‘It’s our last night tomorrow,’ says Tig, who’s curled up on Theo’s lap. ‘I vote we do a big pool party.’
‘That’s a great idea, babe,’ says Theo.
‘How big?’ I ask.
‘Well, we should invite the cousins at least.’
I’d love to see Niki and Mario again, but I’m less thrilled about being around the pool all evening. I’ve avoided it all day and was going to suggest a trip to Paphos tomorrow so I can avoid it again.
‘We’ll do a barbecue, with souvla,’ says Yan. ‘I’m happy to do the prep and cooking part.’
‘Perfect,’ says Tig. ‘Theo and I can buy the mains and sides, and Nella and Pen can sort out drinks and dessert. Although you’ll have to go in Mark’s car.’
‘Talk of the devil,’ says Theo, cocking his head to one side. The sound of the front door announces Mark’s return.
I check the time – almost ten. Has it taken him four hours to get to Limassol and back?
‘There’s some dinner for you in the kitchen,’ says Yan.
‘Cheers, mate.’
‘Were there any problems on the road?’ asks Pen.
The question seems to surprise him. ‘No, I went for a run at the beach near Mazotos. An old army haunt.’
‘I probably shouldn’t have let you drive to Limassol by yourself. No headaches, nausea, or blurry vision?’ asks Theo.
‘Nope. And I was only by myself on the drive back. Which I didn’t mind,’ he hastily adds. I avoid looking him in the eye. ‘It was nice to decompress after everything.’
‘Yeah, don’t blame you, mate,’ says Yan.
‘We’ve decided for our last night to do a pool party,’ says Tig.
His eyes immediately cut to me. ‘Everyone okay with that?’
‘Yeah, who would have a problem?’ She doesn’t wait for an answer. ‘We’re gonna invite some cousins. If there’s anyone you want to invite, feel free. Oh, and you’re on dessert and drink duties with Nell and Pen.’
He salutes, then goes to find leftovers.
I half-heartedly suggest we all watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3, not expecting anyone to want to go back indoors, but I’m surprised when everyone agrees.
I’m enjoying the film, but can’t fully relax as we watch. I keep thinking I can feel Mark’s soft breath on my neck, even though Pen’s sitting between us.
I keep replaying his words.
You shiver when I stand behind you. You don’t know how much it turns me on.
What would have happened if we hadn’t been interrupted? The mother of all orgasms, that’s for sure, but after that? I picture myself turning round and dropping to my knees, eager to return the favour.
The end of the film pulls me out of my reverie, and probably not a moment too soon. I’m not sure I recognise the Nella in this fantasy.
‘Right, we’re off to bed,’ announces Tig. ‘I’m so tired,’ she says with an unconvincing yawn.
Pen rolls her eyes at me. ‘That means they’re off to shag,’ she whispers. ‘It helps that she broadcasts it. Now I know to stay downstairs for a bit.’
‘I’m up for a swim,’ says Mark out of nowhere. ‘Who’s with me?’
I stare at him. ‘Are you out of your mind? It’s gone midnight.’
‘I’m up for it,’ says Pen.
‘Yeah, me too,’ adds Yan.
‘That means you need to come too, Nella,’ says Mark. ‘The dessert and drinks team need to talk strategy.’
Pen jumps up to go and change, leaving a hole in the defence between Mark and me. He immediately seizes it.
‘You’ve been avoiding the pool all day, and I know it’s my fault, so I want to help fix it.’
‘I’m not sure,’ I say.
‘Come on, if you leave it another night, you won’t be able to enjoy the party tomorrow. Five minutes – in and out – like ripping off a plaster. Yan agrees.’
‘I hadn’t noticed you were avoiding the pool, Nell,’ he says. ‘But if Mark’s right then let’s face the fear head-on.’
Mark smiles paternally. ‘Here’s some free advice for you all: Mark is always right.’
‘Exposure therapy,’ says Pen, who’s back in her costume and a towel. ‘My counsellor has tried it with me a couple of times. We go into the exam hall and just sit.’
‘I don’t know the fancy terms,’ says Yan. ‘But let’s not allow it to become a phobia.’
‘You used the exact same argument on Mum about driving,’ says Pen, smiling. ‘Annoying, isn’t it?’
‘Okay, okay,’ I relent. ‘I can’t believe you’re using the tools of my trade against me.’
My bikini is still damp. In my rush to change after Kiki arrived, I threw it in the sink instead of hanging it on the shower rail to dry. It’s cold and it clings in all the wrong places, so when join Pen by the pool, I’m fidgety as well as anxious.
She’s playing Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’ on her phone.
‘I’ve got a whole playlist of fighting songs,’ she explains. ‘Music really helps when I feel anxious.’
‘That’s a really good idea.’
Mark arrives silently on bare feet; I only notice him when he’s by my side.
‘Ready?’
His eyes linger on my neck – at the red mark he left, now unmistakably a hickie – then he descends into the water. He turns and offers me his hand. ‘Want to come?’
I know he’s playing on the double meaning, but I’m too nervous to be kittenish with him.
I stall. ‘How come you got in so easily?’
‘I don’t have the same traumatic memories – not conscious ones at least.’
‘The smell’s freaking me out.’
‘Breathe through your mouth,’ says Pen, coming to stand next to me.
‘Maybe start by sitting on the edge,’ says Mark. ‘Just dangle your legs in.’
He swims to the side and waits for me.
I walk over to where he is, gingerly sit on the edge of the pool and let my legs drop into the water. It’s surprisingly cool.
Mark’s up to his waist. ‘Now, all you need to do is stand.’
Taking a deep breath, I slip into the water.
I stand frozen, waiting for the panic to come, but it doesn’t.
Mark is walking backwards towards the deeper end.
‘Do you want to come in a little further?’
He dunks his head under the water and then flicks the hair out of his eyes like he’s in an aftershave ad. I’m not going to lie; there are worse incentives for staying in the water.
He swims to the deep end. But I’m not sure I’m brave enough to follow.
Yan thundering towards us startles me.
‘Geronimo!’ he yells.
He jumps, sending water splashing over my face.
‘Yan, you idiot!’ shouts Pen. ‘We don’t need your lardy arse making tidal waves!’
‘I’m okay,’ I say, happy to discover I am. I’m still only up to my waist but the terror I was expecting hasn’t materialised.
‘Sod it,’ mutters Pen, and she jumps in, too.
In the end, we’re in there for over an hour; Mark and I staying long after Yan and Pen have left.
I still haven’t swum to the deep end, but I’m determined to do it.
‘You don’t have to come any further,’ he says, when he sees I’m going to attempt it. ‘Your feet won’t touch the bottom where I am.’
‘Yours do, right?’
He nods.
‘Then I’m not scared.’
I keep paddling until I’m close enough to see the way the water clings to his eyelashes, making them thick and dark.
He moves further way, and I follow, until we’ve swum the whole length of the pool.
I hold on to the edge, enjoying the burn of my muscles, happier than I’ve been in a long time.
‘Thank you for making me do it.’
‘Nobody made you, Nella. You did it all on your own.’
He treads water while I relax against the edge of the pool.
‘I had a stern call from Theo when I was driving back.’
‘Really? About what?’
‘To tell me to stay away from you.’
For a second, I panic. ‘Did he see …?’
‘No, because he would have been way angrier.’
‘What did he say, exactly?’
‘He said I’d better not sleep with you and then, quote: “act like my usual heartless self”.’
I raise a questioning eyebrow. ‘What did you say to him?’
‘I told him I’d take penetration off the table, but everything else was fair game.’
I laugh in spite of myself. ‘You really know how to pour fuel on a fire.’
He smiles. ‘I couldn’t help it. I love him, but he’s so easy to wind up.’
‘It’s sweet he’s worried about my feelings.’
‘He’s worried about his balls. He knows Tig would rip them right off if he dared stay friends with a man who heartlessly defiled you.’
I laugh again. ‘He’s really got the measure of Tig.’
‘In all seriousness, I’m sorry about earlier in the shed. Heat of the moment and all that.’
‘You’ve got nothing to apologise for. I fully participated.’ I pause, unsure if I should go on. ‘After what Rich did, it was nice to feel desirable.’
He holds my eye. ‘Glad I could help.’
‘I should go to bed,’ I say.
Before my resolve wavers, I don’t add.
I start up the steps.
‘Nella?’ I turn around. ‘Don’t ever think you’re not desirable. If you ever asked, I would heartlessly defile the hell out of you.’
I’m surprised to find Pen dozing on the sofa, her towel doing little to stop her sopping swimsuit from dripping on the floor.
‘You okay?’
She looks startled. ‘Oh, sorry, I meant to sit down for five minutes, and I must have fallen asleep.’
‘Do you want me to help you up to your room?’
‘No, I’ll be fine. Is Mark still in the pool? Do you think we should wait up to make sure he’s safe?’
‘We saved him yesterday. If he’s going to drown two nights in a row, that’s on him.’