Fourteen
“ Y ou cannot enter without being searched. So please leave all personal belongings behind. Empty your pockets and take off your shoes.”
I untie the laces of my scuffed Converse on autopilot because these were not the words I expected to hear when meeting my mother for the first time. But I suppose visiting her at Orchard Parks State Hospital wasn’t on the agenda either.
I don’t know how to feel. All of this is so surreal. I’ve been waiting for this moment for what feels like my entire life, and now that it’s finally here, I wonder if I should come back another day. I’m not ready. But I doubt I ever will be.
When Gianna gave me this address, I thought I would find closure in some ways, but all I have are more questions. Why is my mother in here? And for how long? But the most important question is why?
“It’s okay, sweetie,” says the nurse in white. She must be able to read my confliction at being here. “She’s having a good day today. She’s just had her meds, so she might be a little sleepy, but I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you.”
I highly doubt that.
I give the nurse my shoes and backpack. My pockets are empty.
I walk through some fancy metal detector, which seems a little excessive, but I guess this sets a precedent of things to come. I’m given a pair of flimsy slippers once I clear security.
“You can’t wear laces,” the guard says blankly like he’s said it a hundred times before.
It takes me a second to realize why.
I always thought my mother was better off. That she was off living some lavish life while I was a prisoner in every sense of the word. But as I’m escorted down the sterile white hallway, my slippers sliding across the polished floors, it seems we were both held against our will.
This is Aldo’s fault. That’s all I can think. Every story needs a villain, and once upon a time, I thought it was my mother. But I now see that she too is a victim like me. Although I don’t agree with her abandoning me, I can understand why she did it.
In her warped way, she thought she was protecting me. She thought she was leaving me in the care of the men and women she considered family.
This is so fucked up.
The orderly stops in front of a white door. There is a sliver of glass for one to peer in or out. What a sad sight for one to view the world through. He unlocks the door and opens it, stepping aside. He reads my apprehension and shakes his head.
“It’s okay. She can’t get out.”
Instantly, I have visions of repeatedly slamming the door against his face as I pin him in the doorjamb. But I simply nod.
I enter cautiously.
My heart is in my throat. I don’t ever remember being this nervous. The room is larger than I thought it would be. It’s furnished with the bare minimum and no personal effects. It’s a sterile white box. Pushed against the wall is a single bed and strapped to it is a woman.
There is no blanket. No pillow. She lies on plastic. A blue hospital gown drapes her small frame. Her feet are bare.
This is my mother? This is the woman I dreamed about since I was a little girl.
The door shuts behind me, startling me. The orderly waits outside, however, as I can see his head through the tiny pane of glass.
I wipe my sweaty hands against the front of my jean shorts. My mouth is dry. This all feels like a dream.
The woman doesn’t seem to know I’m here. She simply stares up at the ceiling, not moving. The leather restraints around her wrists and ankles prohibit her from moving. I want to remove them because she deserves more than being locked up like some rabid animal.
A sadness suddenly swarms me, and tears fill my eyes. I quickly wipe them away with the back of my hand.
Taking a deep breath, I walk toward the bed. I smell disinfectant. My mother still doesn’t move a muscle. She’s in some sort of comatose state. What medication is she on for her to be so…zombielike? How is this helping her?
My legs feel like they’re caught in quicksand the closer I get. But I persevere until I’m standing by her bedside. This is what I’ve been waiting for my entire life. To meet the woman who gave me life only to take it away when she abandoned me.
It’s hard not to be angry, regardless of the circumstances.
Her head is shaved unevenly. The unhealthy shade of her pale skin has me guessing she hasn’t seen the sun in a very long time. She looks emaciated. Suddenly, my anger is replaced with pity. It’s hard to be mad at someone who looks so helpless.
I’m so conflicted.
She barely blinks, but when she does, it’s a delayed reaction. It seems as though her world plays in slow motion.
I wonder what she sees.
I clear my throat. “Hi.”
As far as the first words spoken to your long-lost mother, this is lamer than lame.
She doesn’t move. She’s barely breathing.
I didn’t come here to quit, so regardless of the fact I don’t know if she can hear me or not, I speak the words I’ve wanted to say for so many years.
“Do you know who I am? I’m your daughter. I’m Valentina, but that wasn’t the name you chose. It was a name given to me.”
I suddenly wonder what she would have named me if our circumstances were different.
“Why did you abandon me? What did I do?” I ask, my lower lip trembling. “Gianna told me what happened. You could have come back, but you left me to rot. Do you know the things…” I pause, composing myself. “Do you know the things they did to me? They were things no child should ever have to endure. This is your fault.”
Anger surpasses any emotion as I remember all the times I was forced to do things I never wanted to do.
“It hurt,” I whisper, a tear sliding down my cheek. “It hurt a lot. I was five years old when he took my virginity. I was a fucking baby! You were supposed to protect me, but you left me with him! Father Merry!”
Something happens when I say his name—a breath catches in my mother’s throat.
My own breath is heavy as I wait for something, anything. I wait for her to snap the hell out of this coma and give me the answers I deserve.
“Margarette!” I cry, a surge of anger coursing through me as I slap her cheek. “Wake the fuck up and own up to the shit you did!”
I slap her other cheek, blinded by rage.
She doesn’t have the right to switch off the things she did. No, I won’t let her.
“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” I scream over and over, a slap to the cheeks following each word.
Her body is lax, but that doesn’t stop me from slapping her.
I hate her.
I fucking hate her.
“You’re nothing but a coward! You’ve hidden away all these years, not having to deal with the shit that you’ve done! I’m ashamed to be your daughter. But finally meeting you, I know I’m nothing like you. Perhaps I’m just like my father, then. And you know what, I’d rather be like him than be a pathetic coward like you.”
Yes, baby girl, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…give her what she deserves.
My father’s voice echoes in my head, louder this time.
I’m his daughter. He killed without remorse. He did so time and time again. I think back to when I killed that vile scum of the earth and how I felt absolutely nothing. Taking a life was easy, and when I look down at my mother, I realize I can do it again without a second thought.
I wrap my hands around her throat and squeeze hard. I expect her to jolt to life like a monster from a bad horror movie, but she simply lies still. She doesn’t fight, and a part of me wonders if she would if she could.
Perhaps she knows she deserves this. Maybe she knew it would always end this way. Poetic justice, really.
Her eyes are an empty hole, reflecting the empty vessel that is her soul. Just as I tighten my grip, I’m yanked off her by a pair of arms. Like a rabid dog being robbed of her meal, I kick and scream, adamant to finish the job because she doesn’t deserve to live.
She doesn’t deserve a single shred of compassion because, where was mine?
“Calm down, or we’ll have no choice but to call the police,” the orderly warns as he tightens his hold around me.
I laugh in his face. “And say what? She’s already a fucking corpse! Look at her! She doesn’t move! She can’t even fucking speak to me! She owes me an explanation!”
“She cut out her tongue. That’s why she can’t speak!” the orderly exclaims, shaking me still.
“What?” I ask, the fight in me dying.
“She clearly doesn’t want anyone to know the secrets she guards. Or maybe she knows what will happen if those secrets are ever told. You need to leave now and never come back.”
I suddenly feel like I’ve kicked a puppy. Disgust overcomes me.
The orderly slowly releases me, but he doesn’t have to worry—I’ll never be back. I will never get the answers I seek. It’s only me in this world, and no one will stand in my way.
I found my mother. She turned out to be a huge disappointment.
But I will not dwell on something that is broken and cannot be fixed. However, I will focus on things that I can fix, which is making those who played a part in my pain pay.
Father Merry. And Aldo.
The two men who are already dead…they just don’t know it yet.
I’ve found such peace in the darkness.
I was never afraid of the things that went bump in the night because I’ve danced with the monsters since childhood. I’ve seen it all. I’ve lived through it. But today, meeting my mother proved that I’m now a monster, the thing that people are afraid of.
Gianna wasn’t home when I returned. A small part of me was disappointed that a birthday cake wasn’t awaiting me. But I soon quashed those thoughts. My life will never be like that.
So here I sit in the woods, alone under the star-filled sky a year older.
Am I wiser, though?
Eighteen years old. I feel eighty.
I’m so tired, but it’s beyond fatigue. It’s the state I live in. I don’t think I’ll ever be rested because my mind never switches off. Neither does my heart.
Lenny is the only person who ever cared for me, so it hurts he’s not here to wish me a happy birthday. Pathetic, I know.
I don’t know where he is. But I do know that he and I will soon be worlds apart. We fight for different sides. Gianna gave me what I asked for, so I’ll do the same for her.
Aldo’s daughter.
I will do so with great pleasure as it hurts the man who will ultimately die by my hand. But I plan on torturing him first. And what better way than taking away from him what he took away from me?
Family.
I will destroy everything he cares for, ensuring he knows I’m the one who tore down his empire and killed every single thing he loved.
This is the only thing that gives me joy—violence and bloodshed.
Tipping my face to the heavens, I close my eyes and bask in the silence because tomorrow, I will be surrounded by nothing but chaos.
“Happy birthday.”
And just like that, my heart begins to beat once again.
I don’t move. I simply just exist in this rare moment of stillness where everything fits.
Lenny stands by my side, but he doesn’t crowd me. He never does.
I wonder where he’s been.
“Open your hand.”
I do as he says.
When he places what feels like a stone attached to a chain on my palm, I open my eyes, curious to see what it is. It’s a silver necklace with a small black gem.
It’s beautiful.
He gestures that he will put it on for me.
I give it back to him and lift my hair as he stands behind me. “It’s a black obsidian,” he explains, placing the chain around my neck. “It’s for power, protection, and grounding.”
He fastens the clasp, his fingers brushing against my skin.
I shiver in response.
I wait for him to remove his fingers, but he doesn’t, and it surprises me. “It’s also supposed to keep negative energies away and to give one the courage to face their inner truths.”
There’s a hidden meaning behind his words.
“Are you ready to face yours?”
He brushes a finger along the slope of my neck to across the top of my shoulder. I hold my breath, anticipating his next move.
“Please come with me.”
Our time, it seems, has come to an end, which means Lenny has found what he was looking for; he’s found his brother. Seems ironic that I too have found my mother. But the answers we sought haven’t given us peace.
It’s only roused the sleeping dogs who are hungry for war.
“Why ask questions you know the answers to?”
“Because I’m hoping I’m wrong for once.”
I scoff, unable to conceal my disgust at his arrogance.
“Whatever you need to find peace, we can do it together, out of here. Please, Valentina.”
His sincerity is evident. But it doesn’t change a thing. He has his demons to conquer. And I have mine.
“You know,” he says, something shifting in his voice, “I can always make you.”
Before I can tell him to go fuck himself, he glides his hand around the front of my neck, clasping it tightly. He is still behind me, so I’m trapped. The heat of his body pressed to mine is almost suffocating, but I welcome it.
“You can always try,” I reply, barely able to swallow with how tight he holds me. “But we both know you’ll lose.”
“What makes you so sure?” He slowly forces my head back so we’re looking at one another.
The moment is heavy with violence and sex.
“Because of your feelings for me.”
It’s the first time I’ve expressed it, but it’s not because I’m unsure. I know he feels for me what I do for him. I’ve never said anything because it doesn’t change a thing.
He doesn’t say a word, but the fire is stoked behind those smoldering eyes.
“Father Merry has taken more breaths than he deserves. I will be visiting him very soon. I’ve been biding my time because the surprise in his eyeballs when I gouge them from his head and feed them to him will be worth the wait.”
I inhale slowly, savoring the memory I cannot wait to make.
“I’ll help you. You don’t need Gianna.”
“Grow up, Lenny,” I scold, narrowing my eyes. “How do we deal with the police? The sisters? The many witnesses who will likely see us? We need someone who is above the law.”
Something passes over him, which makes me believe he knows someone else. But when he doesn’t share who, I realize this is another reason I can’t trust him—because he doesn’t trust me.
Perhaps it’s because we’re fighting to be top dog, which is why we’d never work—in every single way.
“When I leave here, I’ll be the enemy. Gianna will hunt me down…as I will her.”
“I don’t understand why you hate her.”
“Because everything she’s done is to benefit herself. She doesn’t care about either of us. She will use us as her pawns in the war she wages because she’s nothing but a greedy, callous bitch. Why can’t you see that!”
He tightens his hold on my throat, his frustrations at breaking point. And I like it.
“She’s a leader. And she isn’t afraid whose feelings she hurts to get what she wants. I admire her.”
I know what my words are doing to Lenny, which is why I have chosen them. The angrier he gets…the harder it is to breathe.
“Admire her?” he scoffs angrily. “I pity you both, then.”
“Save your pity for someone who gives a fuck what you think.”
Lenny tongues his cheek before exhaling heavily.
It seems our war is about to start early.
With his hand still tight around my throat, he uses the other to quickly unfasten the button on my jean shorts. I don’t insult either of us by pretending to fight against something we both want.
He shoves his hand into my underwear, finding me wet as he slides two fingers into my pussy. I moan the moment he starts fingering me because I want this.
I want him.
I’m lightheaded from what his deft fingers are doing as well as the fact that he is siphoning off my air supply. He is violating me brutally, yet I want more.
“You can’t live without me,” he cockily states, and even though he’s right, I would never admit it. “We are joined, and that’ll never change.”
“You think because you can get me off, I’m going to be a pathetic groupie,” I wheeze, leaning back, relishing his hard body pressed to mine. “Yes, sir. No, sir. Three bags full, sir. Fuck you, Lenny. I don’t need you.”
He snarls like a rabid dog, punishing me hungrily as he inserts another finger, stretching me wide.
“Your pussy begs to differ, sweetheart.”
“Shh, it’s hard to pretend you’re someone else when you talk.”
He releases my throat, and the much-needed gasp of air I take is in vain because I’m robbed of breath when he tears the strapless top from my body and begins kneading my breasts. With his fingers in my pussy, he rubs his thumb over my nipple, heightening everything tenfold.
He is everywhere, yet it’s still not enough.
I shimmy my shorts down my legs and kick them off. Next, I want the underwear off too, but Lenny tsks me.
“We’re done. Happy birthday.” He removes his fingers and stops touching me, and I swear to God I want to die.
He turns to leave, but hell no.
I yank on his arm and spin him around to face me, slapping his cheek.
We’re both breathless, the air between us electric, threatening to shock us both.
He clenches his jaw. “Do that again. I dare you.”
I do one better, and I punch him in the face, splitting his lip open.
He touches his mouth, the back of his hand coming away with blood. A smirk slowly spreads across those luscious lips.
I win…
He grabs the back of my neck and forces me to my knees, frantically unfastening his jeans. When his cock springs free, he shoves it into my eager mouth. I gag when it hits the back of my throat. I try to pull away, but he won’t let me. He continues to force himself down my throat, fucking my mouth.
He never lets go of the back of my head as he continues to mouth fuck me. I’m so turned on, every part of my body feels like it’s on fire. I relax my throat and take him as far as I can. Spit drips from the corners of my mouth because Lenny’s cock is huge.
He uses my mouth how he pleases. I’m his fuck doll, and he’s mine because the minute he lets me go, I’m going to ride him until he fucking breaks.
He yanks me off his cock so I can breathe before forcing me back onto his shaft. I grip his upper thighs and suck his dick until he violently pushes me away with a growl. He tugs me up under the arms and slams his mouth over mine.
I taste blood.
Nothing is gentle about this kiss. I pull his hair. He slaps my ass. But the mutual respect of our boundaries is never crossed because I want this as much as him.
He bites my lip and pulls my hair to angle my face so he can mouth fuck me with his tongue just as he did with his dick.
I’m dizzy from lack of oxygen. But I know, more so, I’m breathless because of what the man who I have loved since I was a child is doing to my heart and soul.
I don’t want to love him, but I do.
There never was a moment when we “fell in love.” I think Lenny and I were always destined to be one. But that doesn’t mean a fairy-tale ending is headed our way. This changes nothing. But he wants to be the first man I welcome into my body because I want him.
And I always will.
I pull away, rubbing my thumb over his bloody lip. Mixed with our saliva, I run my thumb down his face, leaving a bloody streak of war paint behind; something I’ve done many times before. He looks fucking brutal.
It’s a frenzy of hands as we tear off our clothes, and the moment we’re naked, he tosses me onto the grass and lays on top of me. He doesn’t insult me by asking if I’m sure. Or feeling if I’m ready.
I want to be fucked by the boy who stole my heart the moment he crushed it when we were children. We were always destined for this.
He yanks my arms above my head and interlaces our fingers as he thrusts into me.
I hold my breath because he is so deep.
He doesn’t move.
He allows me to adjust to his size.
I feel like I’m being split right down the middle…and I love it.
He reads my body and begins to move, his cock and my pussy hungrily fucking because this isn’t lovemaking. And I never wanted it to be.
Lenny and I are one and the same, which is why things will always be like this.
We fight.
We fuck.
And then we leave.
Repeat.
Tonight is just the start of what our future holds.
He fucks me hard and fast. I raise my hips and bow my back, taking everything he gives. Yes, it hurts. But it hurts so good.
This is a memory I will cherish, replacing the ones I never wanted to make. For as I see it, Lenny is my first because the monsters before him were not men but vile animals who don’t deserve a second thought.
But there is one man who will pay dearly for his sins.
The thought of Father Merry has me meeting Lenny’s thrusts and bouncing back on his cock. He looks into my eyes, and I know he sees it, so he slams his mouth to mine and kisses me with nothing but love.
I’m restrained by his body and hands, but I don’t feel claustrophobic.
I feel safe.
Twigs and rocks are embedded into my back and ass, causing scrapes that I can feel are bleeding.
I widen my legs, welcoming Lenny to fuck me deeper, but in one swift movement, he flips me onto all fours and sinks back into me, taking me from behind.
A guttural scream rips from my throat because he is tearing me right down the seams. He slaps my ass, holding my hips as he thrusts into me deeply.
“We were never taught love, only hate, but this is the closest thing to it, tesoro mio . You will always belong to me. Always. But I cannot promise that I won’t hurt you if you stand in my way.”
I bounce back onto his cock, my fingernails digging into the ground as I attempt to anchor myself before I float away. “You can always try.”
He slaps my ass again, harder this time, angered that I continue to fight him. “You know I don’t like to lose.”
“You’ve already lost,” I pant, pushing past the pain. “You could never hurt me…and you know it.”
Lenny pulls my hair, forcing my neck back at a painful angle. He doesn’t stop thrusting into me, using my hair as reins as he steadies me with a hand on my hip. He is in complete control, and I surrender.
He spreads my ass cheeks, opening me wide, and I scream, never feeling so full.
“ Questo sara sempre mio . Say it!” he orders, sinking in and out of me slowly, wishing me to feel every hard inch.
I close my eyes as it’s almost too much, and I don’t want to come yet.
“Say it!” he repeats, grabbing my arms and pinning them behind my back.
He holds on tight as I bounce back on his cock. I’m suspended against him, trusting him not to let me go.
But I know he won’t.
When I don’t do as he demands, he suddenly stops moving but never withdraws his cock. I wiggle my ass, desperate for him to continue.
He doesn’t.
“Lenny,” I moan, my body convulsing and missing the friction.
“Say. It,” he orders again, making it clear he won’t do what I ask unless I do the same.
I shift my hips, fucking him myself, but he seizes my waist, stopping me. He presses his chest to my back and whispers into my ear, “If you don’t say it, I’ll make you watch me fuck someone else, tesoro mio .”
The threat stirs an anger so great, an animalistic growl gets caught in my throat.
He begins to pull out, and the thought of losing him in every way has me surrendering.
“I’m yours—always.”
“And?” he coaxes, beginning to slowly fuck me.
He ensures I can feel every hard inch as he pulls out, only to slide back in with ease.
I don’t want to say it, but I realize this may be my only chance.
He once again fucks me hard, leaning down and tearing at the skin on my throat. He’s marking me, and I fucking love it.
He turns my cheek to smash his lips to mine so I can taste the bloodlust spilling into my very soul. It rouses the demons, and I cry, “E ti amo!”
The moment I say those words, I can’t take them back. But they didn’t have to be said to be real. I’ve always loved Lenny and will continue to do so until I take my last breath.
He reaches around and begins playing with my clit—it’s too much.
He fucks me so hard, the sound of our flesh slapping sends the creatures of the night into hiding. But when I finally come with a sated moan, I know we’ve roused the monsters who are ready to come out and play.
Game on…