Thirty-Five
OLIVER
Iopen the door to Dad’s apartment with one of the spare keys that we all carry.
We never asked permission to copy them, but he doesn't complain about us having them either. Mia left my place early enough this morning that I woke up to her already gone. I wanted to go into the spare bedroom last night and tell her that she misunderstood me. But I didn’t because a huge part of me feels exactly the way she was describing.
Eli and Max have been blowing up my phone this morning but I can’t handle talking to them right now.
I needed advice on how to not blow my life up more and they would just tell me to be honest with her.
I was honest but I failed at communicating exactly what I wanted to. And it set her on full defense.
“I know I should apologize for breaking and entering but I’m not going to.
” A voice I didn’t know I needed to hear comes from the other side of the apartment.
I finish walking through the open space and turn left to find AJ sitting on the couch with a jar of icing and a lap full of snacks.
She looks momentarily surprised to see me then disappointment floods her face.
“You were brutal last night.” I fall on the couch to join her and steal the bag of chips from her lap.
“Don’t compliment me.” She points her spoon at me before taking out another spoonful and eating it. She only eats junk food when she is really in her head about something. “It was nice to see you not get the shit beat out of you. What the hell, Ol?” She throws a bag of gummies at my face.
“Can we not fight? I fucked up. I know. I told you that I won’t fight for a while.” Tearing open the bag of gummies with my teeth I toss one over to her because I know they are her favorite.
“Oh we are definitely fighting.” She sits up straighter, “she shouldn’t have had to call me and you know it.
What’s going on with you?” There’s a flicker of guilt in her eyes.
She’s usually the first one to see when I get bad and pull me out of it or at least keep me in check.
But she’s been thriving lately and I’ve worked hard to keep my spiral out of her orbit.
“You first, why are you hibernating in Dad’s apartment?
” I waive around at the mess she looks like in front of me.
This is her favorite place. She’s always come here to think.
She looks up at me with wide eyes and it’s almost comical.
“What did you accidentally ruin Rory’s favorite sketchbook or something?
” She sets the icing down and pulls the blanket up higher, shifting the snacks around.
She mumbles something but I can’t make it out so I lean in further and cup my ear dramatically.
“He said he loved me.” She repeats a tiny bit louder now. She looks partially terrified and mostly lost.
“Okay…” I pass her another gummy, “did we not already know that?” I feel like we all know that Rory loves her. The poor man can’t function without her. Where she is, he is. Which is why it’s even weirder she is here alone. “Where is he?”
She bites off the end of the gummy stretching it, “he’s training with Scott this morning because Scott has a lunch date or something.” She points to her bruised eye and busted lip and grins, “I didn’t want to explain this to his friend, so I came here.”
“When did he say it?” I bring the focus back to what is causing her to eat herself into a sugar coma.
“He doesn’t know I know that he says it.
” She says with a mouthful of half chewed gummy.
The look on my face gives away my absolute lack of understanding what she is trying to say.
“He thinks I’m asleep when he says it.” She clarifies.
“We will just be laying there and I’ll start to close my eyes.
When he thinks I’m asleep, he whispers it and kisses my head.
He’s done it three times now.” Her voice gets softer at the end, like she’s recalling Rory doing exactly that.
“And we are crashing out about him being in love with you?” She goes to pull the icing back into the lap but I pull it out of her hands. It’s already mostly gone, along with the empty bags of chips and other candy. She’s going to puke if she keeps eating so much sugar.
“Yes. We are.” She snatches the icing back from me.
“Do you love him?” I ask gently because I fear this is the thought that is leading to how she is feeling.
“Do you love Mia?” She tosses a bomb my way to get away from her own warfare in her head.
“That’s not what we are talking about.” I argue but she just shrugs.
“It doesn’t matter how I feel about her.” I mumble.
“Bullshit.” She hisses. But she wasn’t there last night when Mia ripped into me.
“I can’t be what she needs, A.” I resign. I feel like this should be obvious but she is looking at me the same way Mia did last night. Like I was speaking a different language.
“Did you ask her what she needs?” She challenges my words and something falls heavy in my stomach.
I actually didn’t ask her any questions.
AJ is laughing now, so hard that she actually snorts.
“You’re such a dumbass.” She dumps all her lap full of snacks into the floor and hands me her icing before sitting up seriously. “Let’s hear it.”
“Hear what?” She is motioning for me to speak but I’m still lost on why she is laughing and smiling at me like I’m pathetic.
“Let’s hear what you think that girl needs.
I just want to know how bad it actually is.
Like are you redeemable or hopeless. I need to know what I’m working with.
” Good to know the sugar is hitting her system all at the same time.
Or maybe she is spending too much time with Mia because all her words are running together and I don’t think she took one breath between speaking.
I go through the whole breakdown of the conversation Mia and I had last night in my kitchen. And AJ listens attentively to every word with her head in her hands and her eyes focused on me.
“She slept in the guest bedroom?” She asks.
“And was gone before I got up.” I nod, “it’s why I’m here. I was hoping Dad could give me advice. But I got the sugar demon instead.” I smirk over at her and then nod to her pile of discarded wrappers on the floor.
AJ gives me her best smile. The one that she only gives to the people that she keeps closest. Her gray eyes are softer when she says, “She’s not like us, Ol.
She doesn’t stay focused on the fragments of all the ways she’s failed.
She’s clever and unconfined. She is always taking a step forward because she refuses to be held back.
” She points between us and grimaces, “You and me? We have to know the ground is solid before we step on it. She runs full force but has a parachute in case the ground falls out underneath her.”
She pulls her knees closer to her chest and wraps her arms around them as she props her chin on top.
“Her parents made her feel like she is only worth what she can do to make them look better. Adam wore her around like an expensive watch and always showed her off. And then cheated on her any chance he got because that’s all she was to him.
Something pretty.” Mia’s words burn down my throat as I swallow, remembering what she said about not being an accessory in my life. Fuck.
“I’m such an idiot…” I unintentionally made her feel like the rest of her family did.
“You have really good moments though.” She jokes.
“She just wants you to support her. That’s all she wants from anyone really.
Be there, sit with her, and remind her that she can do the hard things.
You created a home for her, Ol. Even if you don’t realize it.
Your house is the first place she feels like the quiet isn’t drowning her.
She told me so.” The world doesn’t deserve these two girls.
“You’re a pretty great best friend, A.” I pat her leg and she smiles even bigger at me.
“You also don’t have to prove that you’re good enough for her.
The fighting.. Chasing the feeling that you matter.
We don’t have long on this earth. But we’re gifted with the people who make it worth living.
And sometimes those people are taken away.
” Her eyes turn glassy. She always gets emotional when she thinks about Chloe.
And it's a hard reality but she isn’t wrong.
It’s why she is so intentional about the people she keeps around her.
Losing someone that becomes such a vital part of you scares the shit out of you and makes you hold on tighter to the others.
“Don’t let your mind rob you of the good. ”
The door creaking open and snapping shut breaks the fragile moment.
And when Dad comes around the corner and sees us both, he opens his mouth and then shuts it.
Then opens it again, “What are you two doing here?” His eyes move over both of us, cataloging the bruises and cuts and then his chest falters as he sucks in a hard breath.
“Actually I don’t want to know.” I haven’t actually seen my dad since the gala.
And I’m sure seeing us both in bruises was not something he wanted to do today.
He points his keys at me and raises his eyebrows, “I was going to see if you wanted to get lunch at the diner today though. So you’re coming with me.
” Then he shakes his head at where AJ is still curled up on the end of the couch.
“And you’re going to clean all of this up, but stay and figure out whatever it is you’re trying to figure out.
” He walks right back out of his apartment and I know he will be waiting downstairs for me to join him.
I stand up and gather the trash part of her pile on the floor before leaning down and kissing the top of her head.
“Take your own advice, A. Don’t let your mind rob you of the good.
” Then I wink at her, “And realizing you’re in love with Rory is a good thing.
” The smallest tear runs down her cheek and she doesn’t even try to stop it.