Chapter Twenty-Seven #2
We are back in New York when he’s doing this, not on the top of the Empire State Building, where I thought he was going to propose at the end of our time there, but on the big rocks in Central Park. It’s golden hour and the sun is warm on my skin. I feel happy, really happy.
The butterflies quietly fluttered when I had this thought. But it wasn’t an anxious or overwhelming sensation, it was a peaceful feeling – it felt as though I was just where I was supposed to be.
‘Are you okay?’ Rob asked. ‘You’ve gone quiet.’
As I looked back at him, a feeling of love flooded my brain. I wanted to keep looking at him more than I wanted to do anything else – even to order dessert.
‘I’m great, Rob. Thank you for telling me,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry I jumped to the wrong conclusion, it was really unfair of me.’
‘Not all secrets are bad, you know, Amber,’ he said.
I thought about Jimi and the kiss then, wrestling with the question of whether it was okay to keep a locked safe within yourself, to which only you were allowed access.
‘Aren’t they?’ I asked, hanging my head. The pitch of my voice must have given something away.
‘Any secrets you need to tell me about?’ Rob probed.
It didn’t feel right to say nothing, especially after what he had just told me.
‘That guy Jimi,’ Rob said, reading my mind. ‘What’s his story?’
Is it weird that he’s brought him up? I turned to Rob, my eyes silently pleading with him; trying to tell him by osmosis to leave it. He must have read something into my failure to have mentioned Jimi at all during my time at the house. I was at a crossroads. He knew me so well.
‘He’s a bit of a player I think,’ I said, still toying with not telling him anything.
‘Did something happen between you?’ Rob asked me straight. He was sitting more upright, the air between us had thickened. Although he had never been a jealous person, Rob was intuitive.
‘Why do you ask that?’
‘Just something I sensed. You were being jumpy,’ he said.
I took a deep breath. ‘There was a kiss,’ I said. ‘I’d drunk lots of wine, we were in LA. It should never have happened. I’ve been beating myself up about it every day since. It was brief and I’m really sorry.’
I rested my eyes on the table as I waited for his response. The table seemed to blur at its edges, my chest tightened, ribs constricting around my heart.
Is he going to walk out of the pub?
Instead, Rob took my hand.
‘Is that really everything?’ he asked measuredly.
‘I promise, that’s it. It made me realise how much I love you.’
I blinked away a tear and when I raised my head, this time his face was blurred. I didn’t want to cry, I just wanted Rob to forgive me.
‘It’s okay.’ He stroked my hair with his hand. ‘I was distant, I know that. I should have told you what was going on.’
‘I should have been stronger. I was weak, falling for his flattery. I’m so sorry. He had bad clothes too.’ I hung my head.
‘So, no more secrets between us?’ he asked.
‘None. You?’
Rob leant forward and pulled me closer, whispering, ‘Only that I love you more than ever. I’m going to have to keep close tabs on you these coming weeks, Amber Green.’ Then he planted a tender kiss on my lips, and I succumbed to the French kiss that followed.
When we got back to our little Ladbroke Grove flat it was late.
It felt smaller than ever after the vast proportions of Gables Manor, but I didn’t care.
I enjoyed making herbal tea in our initials mugs, and Rob went to the garage for emergency Maltesers.
We played music and talked about the opportunity of him working with Mandy.
I saw an energy return to his bones as his mind lit up with ideas.
We laughed about how we had worked together twice before, so why not a third time, and that spun into grand ideas about starting our own production company one day.
It didn’t take long before his lips were pressed onto mine again, and my heart was fully in it, as we kissed and fumbled and giggled and cuddled up.
‘I’ve missed you so much,’ he whispered each time we parted, only to pull me back for more.
I was so happy and at ease in his arms.
That night, as Rob and I spooned in bed wearing absolutely nothing but the scent of each other, my gaze turned to his feather tattoo.
This time I saw it with new eyes. My interpretation of it now was less about representing the freedom of flight and Rob taking off into a future without me, but a symbol of keeping me safe, and navigating life together.
As I was thinking about this, I realised Rob was still awake too.
He rolled over and propped his head up on his elbow.
‘There is something else I wanted to say to you.’ His free hand drifted towards mine, and our fingers laced together gently and instinctively.
‘Oh no,’ I murmured sleepily, ‘I don’t think I can handle any more revelations.’
A bang on the ceiling made us both jump.
‘The Divorcee and Girl Friday.’ I sighed.
‘Welcome home,’ he said.
‘So, what? Did you forget to put the dishwasher on?’ I looked at him quizzically, suddenly fearful. ‘Or do I need to be properly awake for this?’
He looked upwards for a moment. And now he’s thinking twice.
‘That’s better, they’ve stopped.’ Then his eyes met mine again and they were soft, loving, and sincere. ‘I’ve been thinking,’ he said, ‘how about we use your bonus and my redundancy money for another trip to New York?’
‘I guess we’re never going to get a mortgage until we have secure jobs anyway.’ I sighed.
‘Does it really matter if it takes a bit longer?’ he asked. ‘I’m in no hurry. Are you?’
I shrugged. ‘I guess not.’
‘Let’s get solid foundations in place first.’ He smiled.
‘Oh God, help me now, I’ve fallen for a man who uses building metaphors as a way to express his love.’
His eyes sparkled as he mirrored my grin. ‘You’re the only scaffolding I need, Amber.’
Then his arms enveloped me, and we pressed our bodies together again. I felt warm and safe. And there was nothing adequate about it. He was everything to me.