Chapter 13
THIRTEEN
LILY
JANUARY
Lily sat cross-legged in a stiff armchair set back in a corner of the parents’ viewing area at PGTC.
It was mid-afternoon—her favorite time of day to be in the gym.
Most of the full-time gymnasts were either working on their homeschool assignments or taking a break for lunch.
It was the peaceful time between intense morning training sessions and the afternoon chaos of entry-level gymnastics classes that Lily had started assisting Amanda with at the beginning of the new year.
She swept a stylus across the smooth surface of her tablet, making broad sweeping strokes at times, while at other moments she made short, erratic movements as she sketched out designs for more patchwork sweatshirts.
Shannon had loved the one Lily had made her after the NWSL championship game.
While she knew her mama was incredibly biased—she was still a talented artist with a discerning creative eye—Lily couldn’t help but feel proud that she had raved about the jacket Lily had made her for Christmas.
The clattering of the door to the viewing area drew her attention away from her tablet, where she had been shading a part of her sketch with a vibrant chartreuse. A flash of red hair caught her attention before Amanda plopped down in the chair in front of her, looking at her expectantly.
“Hi,” Lily said, tapping the button to power off her tablet and setting it on the table in front of her. “What’s up?”
“Oh, nothing.” Amanda’s voice was lofty. “Just wondering why you didn’t tell me you got cleared to return to sport!” She leaned forward, placing a hand on each of Lily’s shoulders, shaking her excitedly.
It was true. Lily had received the all-clear earlier that week after finally scheduling her psychological evaluation. She may or may not have deliberately dragged her feet in making the appointment, fearing what might happen if she didn’t pass.
That anxiety had kept her awake night after night, lingering even into the doctor’s office on the day of the evaluation.
She thought getting the all-clear would alleviate the general sense of dread that had given her a perpetual stomachache, and while it did momentarily, the feeling had quickly returned.
“Oh yeah, that. Pretty cool, right?” Lily said, trying to match Amanda’s bouncy tone.
“Have you started your running protocol yet?”
“Yup, last week. It feels amazing to move like that again.” Lily was surprised at how effortless her words sounded, but that surprise was quickly followed by twisting guilt.
Amanda squinted like she knew there was more Lily wasn’t saying.
It reminded her of what Jamie had once confided in her, that what made Amanda such a great best friend was her ability to listen without judgment.
Lily gulped, considering whether to tell Amanda about her struggles with feeling excited about returning to gymnastics.
The thought of stepping onto a mat again made her nauseated.
Lily knew she should talk about this with someone.
She had tried to tell Wren about some of the thoughts that played in her mind at a volume she didn’t seem to have any control over, but that hadn’t gone so well.
While Wren probably didn’t mean anything by it, Lily had noticed that when it came to feelings and complex emotions, if it wasn’t something positive, fun, or exciting, Wren seemed reluctant to engage, leaving Lily hurt and alone on more than one occasion.
“Is there something else, Lily?”
Lily blinked in surprise. She had been lost in her thoughts longer than she had intended.
“Can I talk to you?” Her voice was small, lacking the false pep she had forced earlier.
Amanda’s smile fell slightly, and Lily could see the concern in her eyes.
“It’s not super serious or anything,” she added quickly.
“I just—I need some advice. I usually would have asked Jamie, but obviously I can’t do that anymore,” she mumbled, attempting to make a joke that felt weird and tacky on her tongue.
“The only reason Jamie was ever able to give good advice is because I gave it to her first.” Amanda grinned, and Lily felt relieved that she wasn’t the only one who coped with a little bit of dark humor.
“What’s up?” Amanda asked, leaning back in her chair and putting her legs out on the coffee table between them.
Her relaxed nature instantly put Lily at ease, making her feel like maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.
“The thought of going back out there makes me want to vomit,” she admitted.
There. It’s finally out. “Like, it gives me so much anxiety. I even have a hard time being in the gym to teach the afternoon lessons with you, which is weird because this is my favorite place in the world. I don’t know what to do and… ”
Jamie had been right. Amanda was really good at listening.
Once Lily began, the words came and kept coming in one continuous waterfall.
Every thought, every feeling—good, bad, and ugly—came tumbling out.
The last six months of pent-up frustration, annoyance, and worry.
And slowly, with each word, a lightness replaced the weight she hadn’t realized she’d been carrying.
Amanda let Lily talk, gave her space to ramble through her own thoughts, and in return, asked thoughtful questions that gave Lily a lot to consider.
“Have you thought about retiring?”
Lily froze for a moment, panicked by even the thought. Still, the way Amanda asked it was more a curiosity as to whether the thought had crossed Lily’s mind, not delivered as a solution Lily should explore. That distinction was crucial.
“Yes and no,” Lily muttered. She didn’t really want to talk about that.
Retirement from gymnastics had always felt so far away until recently, when the prospect suddenly felt like it was standing right in front of her.
“I asked Jamie about it—you know, the day of her surgery, when we were all hanging out in her hospital room.” Lily’s voice was quiet, eyelids fluttering shut—the memory of the day playing in her mind.
The room had smelled of disinfectant and that weird starch-y scent of freshly opened bandages.
Jamie had wanted the day to feel like a party, so Lily and her mama had spent the week leading up to the surgery making paper decorations and discussing the possible outcomes.
Lily remembered how, in the moment, she had been so certain, so sure she understood that Jamie’s dying was a very real possibility—yet it still didn’t make that moment the surgeon delivered the news any less shocking.
“You had just left, and my moms and Nell ran to pick up lunch for everyone. Jamie told me to ask all my burning questions now or forever hold my peace. You know how she thought she was so funny.” Lily rolled her eyes and Amanda grinned.
“I think we can all agree that Jamie was corny at best, but always with a good heart.”
Lily nodded. “I asked her when the right time to retire was, and she said I’ll wake up and feel it one day.”
“How unhelpful.” Amanda smirked.
“Yeah, not her best moment of wisdom, but given the circumstances, I’m willing to forgive her.”
Amanda leaned forward, gathering her red hair over her shoulder.
“Do you want my advice?” Lily nodded, and Amanda continued.
“We fell in love with a sport that comes with a pretty narrow performance window, which is incredibly unfortunate because when you’re as passionate about a sport as it takes to perform at the level we did, the thought of it all being over so soon is a lot to digest.”
Lily sat back, relieved at the way Amanda had been able to summarize her thoughts without Lily ever needing to say anything. She breathed deeply, feeling more of the weight on her chest lifting.
“Jamie wasn’t totally wrong. It is a feeling, and it comes at a different time for everyone. But there are some factors to consider—ones like your ability to compete safely, readiness for the commitment and toll competing at this level takes, and timing. It’s a lot to consider.”
Lily thought for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip. “How do you know what comes next?”
“I don’t think anyone ever truly knows. I definitely didn’t.
I had a few years where I felt like I was floating around trying to figure out what was next, but everyone eventually finds their way.
” Amanda reached a hand out, gently touching Lily’s arm.
“I know I’m not Jamie, but I know she would be so proud of how you handled the last six months. ”
Lily smiled weakly, eyes cast down. “Thanks, Amanda, you know, for taking the time to talk with me about all this stuff, and about Jamie. I’ve been missing her a lot lately.”
“We can talk about Jamie any time,” Amanda offered in a genuine tone.
The sound of the metal doors opening, followed by excited chatter, drew their gaze.
Amanda looked over her shoulder, down into the open gym area.
“I think our class of little chaos gymnasts is starting to arrive. We should probably head downstairs.”
That afternoon, trying to distract herself from the retirement conversation with Amanda, Lily sat at her mom’s kitchen counter, finger flicking across her tablet screen.
She blushed profusely while examining a website Dylan had sent her.
The site in question was a sex toy website—a reputable and ethical one—but still a sex toy website that Lily, even now at twenty, didn’t quite feel mature enough to be looking at.
She had made the mistake of telling Dylan she wanted to surprise Wren with something fun for Valentine’s Day.
Dylan, being ever the compulsive over-researcher, dove right into creating a comprehensive analysis and subsequent matrix of the best things to get your girlfriend for Valentine’s Day.
A matrix that included an entire tab on sex toys, which is how Lily had landed here.