Chapter09
Mia’s heart pounded. She didn’t know what had come over her, but something inside her niggled, desperate to come out. A little voice whispered go ahead. Be brave.
Since swimming with the stingrays and playing with the dolphins, her heart had opened to the massive abyss that was the ocean. Yes, it was huge, frightening, and held so many secrets. But she’d never been in it because her mother had been afraid to let her. Sharing her mother’s fear, Mia had never wanted to try and before yesterday, the thought of walking into the crashing waves or diving beneath the depths sent shivers raging through her. But now…
What did she have to be afraid of?
She’d never given the ocean a chance. She was afraid for no good reason. The ocean might have taken her father’s life, but countless people entered it every day and survived. Walking into the waves of Kuta Beach with Aiden by her side wasn’t going to kill her. Instead, it could give her the confidence she hadn’t even known she was looking for.
Her pulse spiked, but this time, it was with excitement. Her decision was made. She was going into the ocean while on her fearless holiday in Bali.
She’d do it before she changed her mind.
Aiden’s eyebrows lifted gently. ‘Are you sure?’
She nodded and finished her drink, making very unladylike sucking noises through the straw. ‘Yep. I want to do this.’
She stood, her knees twitching with excitement and nerves.
Aiden followed her to his feet. ‘Do you just want to dip your toes in or should we change back into our swimwear?’
May as well go all in. ‘Let’s get changed.’
She went into the restroom and changed back into her damp tankini and boardshorts. She didn’t bother with her cold swim shirt. Her belly continued to flutter, but she wanted to do this. Needed to. And she wasn’t going to do it halfway. She wanted to feel the ocean engulf her and the waves crash against her body.
She joined Aiden outside the café and they crossed the road towards the beach. The sand burned beneath her feet as they dropped their bags and Aiden offered her his hand. She smiled and took it, his strong fingers interlocking with hers. Her heart leapt and she knew there was no one else she’d rather be doing this with.
Aiden led her towards the water. They paused at the shallows and Mia let out a deep breath.
Nothing but ocean stretched before her, the sun still high above the horizon. Her heart grew heavy. Her throat tightened. Nerves and excitement fluttered inside her. A small wave washed over her feet and she shivered.
Rips…jellyfish…sharks…Her mother’s fears echoed in her head. Mia inhaled. There’s nothing to be afraid of… Dozens of others are swimming without fear. It’s perfectly safe.
She jolted as more water washed over her ankles. Her feet sank into the sand.
Aiden squeezed her hand. ‘You okay?’
She lifted her gaze. ‘Yeah. It’s…it’s…’ Amazing! Freeing!
‘Pretty nice, hey?’
‘Yeah.’
‘You want to go deeper?’
She swallowed. Her heart still pounded, but she nodded. ‘Yep.’
She walked into the ocean. Slowly. Steadily. Surely. Aiden’s hand remained warm and relaxed around hers. Soon, the water swirled around her knees as a small wave crashed against her thighs. Mia took another step. Then another. Her inner strength built.
She exhaled and looked up into the big blue sky.
If only Mum could see me now…
Closing her eyes, she allowed the sensations to engulf her. The wind in her hair. The water lapping around her waist. Would her mother be frightened? Or would she be proud? Everything Mia had ever done was to make her mum proud. It hadn’t been a requirement; she’d wanted to do it. Her mother had been her one constant. Her best friend. She’d loved her dearly.
Had Mia loved her too much?
Her belly tightened. It was a confronting thought. But she’d put her entire life on hold when her mother had fallen ill. She’d stayed to care for her while her friends had all left their parents’ homes and started lives of their own. Had that choice held Mia back? Prevented her from pursuing her own life? Not just in her career, but in her love life as well?
She hated to acknowledge it…but yes. Yes, it had.
Now though…Mia was free. She was standing in the ocean and she had nothing to be afraid of. Her heart soared. It was liberating!
‘What do you think?’ Aiden asked.
She exhaled, enjoying the sensation of water lapping against her waist. She curled her toes into the sand and lifted her face to the sun. ‘It’s awesome. I love it.’
She opened her eyes and looked into his, grinning. Then she stilled—an enormous wave rolled towards them! Her hand squeezed his. ‘Aiden!’
‘It’s okay.’ He moved closer, his body beside hers and only partially blocking the wave. He released her hand and snaked his arm around her waist while his other hand fell to her shoulder and squeezed. Mia didn’t take her eyes off the wave.
Her hands instinctively reached up to rest on his chest.
The water approached and she closed her eyes. The wave broke against her shoulders, splashing into her face and knocking her slightly.
She gasped.
Aiden laughed, drawing her close. ‘Cool, hey?’
She opened her eyes. ‘Amazing…’
Then, Mia couldn’t move at all. Locked in his gaze, in his arms, she barely noticed as another wave broke against their wet bodies. Her heart lodged in her throat. His hand hardened over her spine. The air between them sizzled and her lips fell apart.
His gaze dropped to her mouth. His eyes hooded and she felt his heart pound beneath her hands. His body closed in on hers. ‘Mia…’
She didn’t think. Be brave. She shot onto her toes and met his lowering mouth with hers. Everything stilled. Synapses fired. His kiss was warm. Soft. Everything inside her tingled. Only the water kept her standing.
His mouth moved against hers and her arms snaked upwards to wrap around his neck. Aiden responded accordingly. His lips brushed hers. Slowly. Tenderly. It was a kiss filled with longing. With promise. It was gentle. It made her knees weak and heart soar. She wanted to open herself up and invite him in. To explore uncharted realms of pleasure.
But before she could take that chance, he drew away. Her eyes fluttered open as he straightened. His height caused her hands to slip down his hot, hard, wet chest as her heels sank into the sand. She pressed her tingling lips together and swallowed. She couldn’t think. She didn’t know what to say.
Aiden exhaled. His hold around her loosened, but he didn’t let her go. A frown formed between his eyebrows. ‘That was…’ Aiden didn’t finish his sentence.
Mia couldn’t breathe. It was what? Lovely? Nice? Sent his body tingling? Hers sure was tingling.
Did he want to try it again?
Aiden’s delicious mouth twisted. He blew out a breath. ‘I’m sorry, Mia.’
***
Words were lost on him as Mia’s body went rigid in his arms. What had he been thinking? He didn’t want to let her go, but he couldn’t continue that kiss either. No matter how much he wanted to. No matter how much he longed to take her, to kiss her deeper, harder, hotter. He shouldn’t.
Her breath escaped on a whoosh. She didn’t take her hands from his chest. ‘Please don’t be sorry. That was—’
‘Good.’ The word left his mouth before he could stop it. ‘It was a damn good kiss, Mia. I won’t deny that.’ Part of him had thought about kissing her for days but somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to admit that.
Her eyes both glittered with pleasure and narrowed with concern. ‘What’s the problem then?’
He shook his head. ‘I just don’t think… You and I…’ He blew out his breath. He had to tell her the truth, even though he didn’t understand it himself. ‘I don’t want to ruin our friendship.’
‘But Aiden…’ She paused. Swallowed. Then breathed the words he both longed and dreaded to hear. ‘I don’t want to be just your friend.’
Everything inside him tightened. Panic raged. ‘I don’t think it’s a good idea, Mia.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because.’ He let her go and stepped back in the water. He couldn’t hold her while he told her this. ‘I like you too much. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had and I couldn’t risk…if we started dating… It’s just not worth it. I’m not ready. I need to focus on me and Ella this year, on being a good dad for her. And you…’ He exhaled, his heart twisting with the next truth. ‘You’re starting your life anew, Mia. You have an exciting and unknown future ahead of you. I can’t complicate that for you by bringing myself and Ella into it. You need time to figure out what you want and that…that might not include a relationship with us. And that’s a risk I cannot take.’
Mia stared at him. Time slowed. The air stilled.
‘But…’ She took a deep breath. ‘Aiden, I might be about to start a new chapter in my life, but so are you. Can’t we add to that? Can’t we give it a try and take things as they come? I can’t promise that I won’t hurt you and Ella, but you can’t promise you won’t hurt me either. There are no guarantees in life. Life is made on taking risks. And you’re a risk I’m willing to take because I think we have something special. I think I could even…love you.’
It took all of Aiden’s strength not to grimace. Oh hell…
He reached for her hand. ‘We do have something special, Mia. But I just can’t… For now, I think it’s best we remain friends. Friendship promises so much. Can’t we do that?’
She sighed, then pressed her lips together and nodded. But she didn’t meet his gaze as she said, ‘You’re my best friend, Aiden.’
Without another word, she strode out of the water. He stood amongst the waves and watched her go, wishing that he could feel, even a little bit, that he could love her too.
But unfortunately, no matter how much he liked her, his heart was incapable of ever feeling such emotion again.
***
Mia began her overnight journey home bereft and feeling like a complete fool. She and Aiden returned to Beach Club, where she’d changed into her comfortable yoga pants and T-shirt for the late flight back to Townsville. They didn’t talk about the kiss or what had happened on the beach, but she couldn’t deny the awkwardness that enveloped them as they sat in the lobby and waited for her driver. The courage she’d discovered earlier, that had driven her into the ocean and to confess her feelings, was gone. The joy and hope that had built inside her during her amazing week in Bali had vanished.
She sat in the lobby with her leg twitching and hands clasped in her lap. She’d been brave. For the first time in her life, she’d followed her heart and had put herself out there. She’d shaken off her shyness and had been true to her feelings.
She’d told a man she loved him.
And she’d been shot down.
Mia kept her gaze on the lobby entrance, wishing her driver would hurry up. No wonder she avoided men. Avoided dating. No wonder she’d been terrified to tell Noah how she felt. But it was her own stupid fault for falling for men who only wanted to be her friend.
She glanced at Aiden stretched out beside her. Men…did she know anything about them at all? Not really. Today, she’d kissed a man for the first time in years. Her innocence spoke volumes. It made her feel small and insecure. Caused heat to rise in her cheeks.
What had she been thinking, kissing Aiden?
His piercing blue gaze met hers. His mouth curved and she managed a small smile in return.
Awkward!
She glanced back towards the entrance. Her driver arrived and everything inside Mia loosened. She was finally going home.
Aiden followed her to his feet as she lifted her handbag onto her shoulder. ‘I guess this is it.’
He nodded and shot his hand through his hair. Then he opened his arms. She obliged and went to him—her friend. His arms wrapped around her and her spine softened. What did it matter if he didn’t love her back? They’d had a wonderful time together and he really was the best friend she’d ever had. Why had she tried to ruin that by wanting more? By wanting something she knew he couldn’t give her?
Yet, she couldn’t stop herself from breathing him in and committing his scent to memory. ‘You enjoy the rest of your time here, okay?’
‘I will. Safe journey home.’
She stepped away and lifted the extendable handle of her wheelie suitcase.
Aiden slipped his hands into his pockets. ‘We’ll stay in touch, yeah?’
The hope in his eyes made her heart ache. She nodded. ‘Of course.’
His mouth curved. ‘Good. Bye, Mia.’
‘Bye, Aiden.’
Then she turned and followed the driver out of the lobby without a backward glance, every step breaking her heart more. And as she travelled to the spa, enjoyed a massage, and relaxed in a bath of red wine and rose petals, Mia grew more and more certain about one thing. No matter how hard she tried, she’d never manage to be ‘just friends’ with Aiden.
Sighing, she sank deeper into the red water. She’d never experienced love, but she wasn’t na?ve. She knew her own heart. She could try to keep things platonic, but what she felt for Aiden was more than she’d ever felt for Noah. If they continued to be friends, her feelings would only grow until she was nothing more than a sad mass of raw emotion—the terrible affliction of unrequited love.
There was no worse pain on this earth.
***
Mia arrived at the airport hours before her flight, cleared immigration, and picked up a few Christmas gifts in duty-free. Choosing Chinese for dinner, she sat in the food court and dropped her chin into her hand, twirling noodles around her fork. She’d hoped food might cheer her up, but it didn’t.
She was already sick of brooding about Aiden not returning her feelings, so instead, she thought about the other thing he’d said.
You don’t know what you want.
Her heart squeezed. She understood his fear and why he was afraid to take the risk, because he was right—she didn’t know what she wanted. After a week of soul searching, she’d realised some key aspects, but she wasn’t any closer to deciding what career she wanted. So how could she expect him to take a risk with her?
Sighing, she focused on her food. She couldn’t fight him on his decision. It was his life. He only thought he was doing what was right and not just for himself, but for Ella too. In a way, she almost respected him for it…
Except she still thought he was letting himself down by not opening himself to love.
Not hungry, Mia tossed out the last of her dinner, then passed the time wandering aimlessly through the airport. Aiden’s actions…his words…they made her realise just how lost she was. Her life was full of regrets. She’d never realised it before, but if she had a time machine, she would do things so differently. She had sacrificed her early twenties by putting her mother and her needs first without any thought to what she’d given up herself. Sure, she’d enjoyed those years. She’d been to Broadway and had ice skated in Central Park. She’d seen Niagara Falls and flown through the Grand Canyon. She’d cartwheeled on the Golden Gate Bridge and ridden the roller coaster at Santa Monica Pier. These were all amazing feats for a smalltown country girl from Charters Towers.
But it had all been fun and games. Something to make her mum happy and fulfil her dying wishes, while Mia had spent the years idling away and letting life pass her by. She’d been waiting, enjoying time with her mother until she could finally be set free.
Wincing, she slumped into a seat at the gate. It was confronting, but that didn’t make it any less true. And while she hadn’t regretted her choice to stay in Charters Towers at the time, she did regret everything she’d given up. She’d given up her chance to move out of home and experience the world as a young adult. Her chance to go to university and a life of study and fun. She’d given up the opportunity to meet new people, fall in love, and date. She’d spent some of the best years of her life as her mother’s carer, advocate, and best friend, with no thought to what she was missing out on.
But she couldn’t do anything about it now. All she could do was not let future possibilities and opportunities to pass her by again. She wouldn’t let herself idle in her comfort zone, because idling away with her pets behind the bank teller was not going to give her what she wanted. And what she wanted most in this world was love. Marriage. A family. But she didn’t just want any man or family. She wanted Aiden.
This past week had been the best of her life. And while it’d been mostly fantasy—a bit of holiday fun outside the realm of their normal lives—she had no doubt that she wanted to experience the normal world with him. She wanted to know him as the man he really was—the loving father and the caring vet. The man who shared the same day to day struggles that she did.
She wanted what was real. They’d experienced enough of that this week with their easy conversation and laughter. Their companionable silence. Sharing their hopes, wishes, and dreams. Maybe one day they’d even experience more wild adventures. They could travel again. Maybe even climb Mount Fuji.
Except that would need to wait because they couldn’t possibly go to Japan without Ella.
Mia’s heart swelled and a smile curved her mouth.
Ella…
The way Mia felt about that little girl filled her with both longing and fear. She knew she’d always wanted children. That had never been a question. But never had Mia thought she’d want a little girl—one she hadn’t even met—before she had a baby of her own.
Ella had captured her heart from the moment Aiden had mentioned her. The moment Mia had realised she was a little girl in need of not a wicked stepmother, but a loving one. And Mia wanted to love her. She feared she already did.
Because she loved her daddy.
That, Mia knew without a doubt. She was in love with Aiden Knight and his daughter. She wanted them both in her life.
But how would she convince him to take a chance on her? Was it even possible?
It could be, if she could prove to Aiden that her heart was in the right place. That she wasn’t like his ex-wife and that she wanted to be a mum, first and foremost.
So what did that mean in terms of her career? If being a mother would make her heart sing, did she need a job that would do so also? Or would her steady, secure job at the bank be enough if she could come home every day to a home with animals and a family who loved her?
That was the question she needed to find the answer to. So as she boarded her flight to Townsville, Mia did so with newfound determination.
Her holiday was over, she was going home, and she had no more excuses. She needed to make a decision about university.
For Aiden. For Ella.
But most importantly, for herself.
***
It was a joyful reunion at the airport, but not because her brother Michael and his wife were there to greet her—because Tess and Timmy were. Mia slid into the backseat of Michael’s car and welcomed the bombardment of doggy kisses. She wrapped one arm around her fluffy golden retriever and cuddled the squirming fox terrier to her chest, the dogs in war over her. She laughed, her heart bursting.
‘Yes, hello! Oh, I’ve missed you both so much. Have you been good doggies for Michael and Sarah?’
‘Perfect houseguests,’ Michael said as he pulled away from the airport. ‘I think I’ll actually miss them. Especially Timmy.’
Mia smiled and kissed the foxy on his white head.
‘So how was your trip?’
‘Wonderful.’ She shared the highlights, told them all about the elephants and how she’d conquered her fear of the ocean. Michael congratulated her.
‘I’m jealous about the dolphins,’ Sarah said, shooting Mia a glance from the front seat. ‘And you also made a friend, we see?’
Mia’s arm tightened around Tess. Of course, Michael and Sarah had seen and commented on the photos she’d posted of her and Aiden on social media. She swallowed the knot in her throat and nodded. ‘Yeah, I did.’
Sarah raised her eyebrows. ‘Are you just friends?’
Again, Mia could only nod. Disappointment flashed in her sister-in-law’s eyes before she glanced back out the windscreen. ‘Shame. I thought that maybe you’d finally met someone who was…more. He sure is a hottie, Mia.’
Her belly knotted. She cuddled Timmy closer and pressed her cheek to Tess’s soft head, drawing comfort from them both. ‘Yeah… But no. We’re just friends.’ And she hated it.
They arrived at Michael and Sarah’s house where Mia had left her car. She accepted their offer of breakfast but didn’t stay long as all she wanted was to go home. So she gave Michael and Sarah thank you gifts for looking after the dogs, hugged them goodbye, then drove to the cattery to pick up Jemima and Victoria. Sarah didn’t do cats, but Mia didn’t hold that against her. The feisty felines were both pleased to see her, meowing and rubbing their heads against her as she cuddled them both to her chest.
She slipped the cats onto the backseat where Tess and Timmy eagerly waited to greet them. The four of them caused quite the ruckus, but Mia could only smile. Her animals meant the world to her. This was her life. Her normal. So with her four babies happily settled, she left Townsville and headed west to Charters Towers. Almost two hours later, she pulled into the property that had been her home since she was a little girl. A curved awning hung over the verandah of the single storey brick dwelling, overlooking her thirsty front yard and the raised garden beds full of blooming zinnias.
Mia switched off the ignition and climbed out of her SUV, smiling as she breathed in the fresh, clean country air. This was exactly where she was meant to be. Charters Towers. Australian country living. With her animals and hopefully one day, a family.
Did she need a teaching career to make that picture complete? She wasn’t sure. She’d think about that later.
Mia slipped the cats back into their carrier despite their protests, lifted old Timmy into her arms, and let Tess follow them as she took everyone inside. She released Victoria and Jemima onto the lounge, then she raced through the house, out the back door, and down to the paddock.
‘Cindy! Georgie-Porgie!’
The chestnut gelding’s head lifted from the grass, his red mane blowing in the wind as he tossed his head back and whinnied. Mia grinned as he raced towards the fence. Cindy followed at a more leisurely pace. Mia stopped at the white wooden fence and reached out to wrap an arm around each of their necks, her head nestling between theirs.
From the aviary, Arnie the sulphur-crested cockatoo started squawking. The scent of manure filled the air and the geese honked down by the pond. Tess was at her side, lifting onto her hindlegs to place her paws on the fence. Cindy’s grey head dropped to sniff the dog.
Stupidly, Mia felt tears brew in her eyes. ‘I really have missed you all.’
This was everything she’d ever wanted. She couldn’t, wouldn’t give it up. Not for anything. Not for university or some adventurous career. Yes, it was nice to dream and to think she could trek around the world studying volcanos. But that’s all it would ever be—a dream. What she had in reality was so much better. Yet, she was still alone here in Charters Towers, and she’d continue to be alone if she had years of study ahead of her.
Mia thought about that as she unpacked and set her souvenirs around the house. Did she want to be a teacher? She liked the idea of working with children, and she honestly couldn’t think of anything else she wanted to study at university.
‘What do you think?’ she asked Victoria after hanging her elephant painting above her bed, the cat curled up in her favourite spot on Mia’s pillows. ‘Should I be a teacher? Will you sit up with me as I study into the night?’
Victoria blinked her big yellow eyes, then started giving herself a bath. Mia sighed as she sank onto the edge of the bed and reached out to stroke Victoria’s ears. Sadly, the truth was finally dawning on her. University…it too was just another dream. In reality, years of study wasn’t appealing because now, Mia knew what made her heart sing. Aiden. Love. The thought of a motherless little girl who she longed to meet and open her heart to.
But Aiden didn’t want her. He’d closed off his heart. And as Mia didn’t know how to approach him about that, she lay down on her bed and cuddled Victoria close.
Her heart wasn’t singing. It was weeping.