Chapter 19
Harper
“They would’ve watched me thrust my dick into your tight body. Heard the keening sound you make just before you come.”
I shivered as the memory made my nipples tighten.
“Are you cold, Harper?” Shay asked with a frown. “Are you under a draft or something?”
I gave her a weak smile. “No, I’m okay.”
“We can switch seats if you need to. It’s no bother, really.” Shay tipped her head. “It’s really warm over here.”
“If you want.” I didn’t know what else to say. No way was I admitting that I wasn’t cold, just totally aroused by a memory of Xander’s dirty words.
“Let’s do it.”
So I found myself standing up with my plate in hand and awkwardly shuffling around the table opposite of Shay.
Chase, who’d been in a conversation with Jesse and Xander looked up when I bumped into his shoulder as I sat down next to him. He frowned at his wife who was now sitting kitty-corner to him. “What’s going on?”
Shay shrugged. “Harper was cold.”
Jesse picked up his plate and yelled, “ CHANGE PLACES! ” like he was the Mad Hatter.
Giggling, Ella grabbed her plate and ran around the table with Jesse. Chase, not wanting to miss the fun, grabbed his plate and skipped in a circle around us singing in a falsetto, “Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, how I wonder where you’re at.”
But Xander just pushed back into his chair and laced his fingers over his taut abs as chaos reigned around us. He looked over to me and raised his eyebrows. “Cold?”
For some reason I couldn’t look away from his hands. I remembered what it’d felt like in the shower when he’d gently washed my shoulders and took so much care bathing my breasts. So very thorough. But we hadn’t had enough time for round two.
Or to talk about what he’d whispered to me in the shower just before I’d come.
Did he mean it?
Was that something he was into?
Was that something I was into?
All my thoughts were a tangled mess that I didn’t have even a second to examine since Jesse, Ella, Chase, and Shay had all tagged along on our touristy date to Trinity College to see the Book of Kells and now with lunch. Noah had disappeared during our shower, and no one knew where he’d gone to.
“Are you happy with your spot?” Ella asked as she settled in next to me, panting.
I looked into Xander’s eyes and smiled. “Very.”
Later we all trouped over to Carrolls Irish Gifts and giggled while we tried on leprechaun hats and felt beards.
“Everyone get together!” Ella hollered, gesturing at us with her phone in one hand. “I want to get a group picture. Hyde, do you mind?”
I just knew I was red-faced as I nestled close to Xander. His arms came around me, and he held me as one of the band’s security guards, Hyde, counted down.
“Take a couple. We need options.” Ella instructed even as she posed with us.
We took silly ones, serious ones, and even a kissing picture.
Ella skipped back to Hyde to look over the pictures he’d taken.
“Now I know what you’re talking about when you wax poetic about my beard,” Xander said with a smirk as he ran a hand over my orange facial hair.
“Anyone want veto power before I post these?” Ella asked, waving her phone over her head.
I shook my head. I trusted Ella. She’d done so well as the band’s social media photographer. Besides, it wasn’t like I had a rock star ego to maintain.
“No, just make sure you tag me in them.” Xander stood next to me and draped an arm over my shoulders. “Maybe this will shut Kelly up finally with all her stalker-y tabloid bullshit.”
“Harper?” Ella turned to me. “Are you okay with me tagging you in the picture too?”
“Of course. I’m not ashamed to admit I know all you superstars.”
“Are you sure?” Xander asked with a concerned frown. “You haven’t been outed up to now. It’ll be hard to go back to anonymity once we’re public.”
“Oh.” I swallowed. “I thought you wanted—”
“I do.” Xander stared at me with an intensity I felt to my core. “But I want to make sure you understand what’s at stake here.”
I held my breath for a second then tried to sound unaffected when I answered. “Isn’t it just a matter of time before someone does it anyway? At least this way we’ll know it’s coming.”
“It probably won’t be so bad since we’re on tour too.” Ella raised her eyebrows. “It’s not like the paps follow us everywhere.” She gestured to the store that, while they had technically closed it for us, no one really seemed to notice or care.
“If you’re sure…” Xander grimaced.
My voice only sounded a tiny bit tremulous when I answered, “I’m sure.”
“One official girlfriend, coming up.” Ella grinned at us like this was a huge milestone. “And posted!”
“We should go out and celebrate your new official status.” Shay smiled at us through her orange beard. It should’ve looked totally ridiculous on her, but for some reason she just looked devilishly cute.
“No can do,” Xander replied, his arm heavy on my shoulders. “I let you all tag along on our day-date, but there’s no way in hell you’re coming with us tonight. I have plans for this one here.”
Ella and Shay sighed and sent me sweet smiles while Jesse and Chase smirked at Xander.
Before I had a chance to unpack all that’d happened, Shay dragged me over to the glass section to ooh and aww over the Waterford crystal. Then Ella wanted to look through the shirts. We laughed and giggled over some of the silly offerings. I wanted to get Xander an Irish rugby jersey. He definitely had the build for it. I was debating colors when Hyde whistled to get our attention.
“Okay, guys! We need to wrap it up. The crowd is getting restless outside, and I don’t want to chance having them wait longer.”
“Crowd?” Xander repeated with a groan.
“Shit.” Ella gasped, slapping a hand over her mouth. “I guess I should’ve waited until we left before posting those pictures.”
“You think?!” Chase hollered at his sister. “That was a fucking rookie move, El. What the hell? How long have you been doing this job again?”
“Hey! Don’t talk to my girlfriend like that!” Jesse yelled.
I groaned and buried my face in Xander’s chest. This was ramping up to be a shitshow of epic proportions.
“What did you want to get?” Xander bent down to murmur in my ear as the guys continued to bicker.
“What?” I looked up at him with a frown.
“For souvenirs. What did you want to get?”
“Oh. I guess we’ll have to pay for the hat and beard.”
“Already done. What else?”
“Um, I kinda wanted to start a tradition of getting something small from every country we visit. Just a little memento…” I looked around us, but the cacophony of choices was dizzying.
“How about this?” Xander held up a fridge magnet with a smiling leprechaun standing under a road sign pointing to Belfast, Dublin, Cork, and Kilkenny with Ireland written beneath him.
“It’s perfect.” I reached to grab it, but Xander held the magnet over my head.
“Like hell am I letting my girl fork out ten euros for a souvenir. It’s on me.”
“Hey, big spender.”
“You know it!” As he strode toward the register, I had a huge grin stretching my lips.
And despite his protests, I had to buy the rugby jersey for him. He called me Miss Moneybags the whole way back to the house since my gift for him was four times what he’d spent on mine. I rolled my eyes, but my grin didn’t fade.
When we reached the house, Noah was still MIA, but I seemed to be the only one concerned. “But we’re all here. So who’s he out with?”
“He’s got that new security kid with him.” Xander shrugged. “What’s his name, Chase?”
“Diego.” Chase dug through the bag in his lap, pulling out a tin of Walker biscuits. “Yes! I love you so much, baby.”
Shay grinned back at him before pressing a kiss on his lips. “I know what makes my man happy.”
“Fuck yeah. Let’s go!” Chase bounded off the couch and chased a squealing Shay down the hall to their bedroom.
“Dammit, why didn’t I think of that?” Jesse stalked toward Ella who held up her hands.
“Jesse, we don’t have time for that right now. I promised I’d help Harper get ready for her date tonight.”
Jesse stopped and gave her a little boy pout. “What about me? What am I supposed to do while you’re primping and curling hair?”
“I don’t know. Go primp yourself.” Ella waved a hand.
“It’s okay,” I broke in. “I can get ready all by myself.”
“You heard her.” Jesse sprinted to Ella, quickly lifted her in a fireman’s carry over his shoulder then marched down the hall. “Thanks, Harper. You’re officially my favorite person!”
I just laughed, watching Ella grab Jesse’s butt as a handhold before they disappeared in their room despite Ella’s half-hearted protests.
I turned to Xander with a laugh. “I guess that just leaves me and you. Unless Noah pops up.”
“Couldn’t care less. I don’t want to talk about that asshole unless or until he apologizes for what he said.”
I knew his brother was a sore point, but it was early in the tour for this level of in-fighting. I wanted to make it better. And it was really bugging me that Noah was out there all alone while we’d all hung out in couple-y bliss today. No doubt he’d see the pictures and feel left out. Resolving to check in with Noah later, I sighed. “You know Noah is impulsive. He talks without thinking most of the time.”
“Doesn’t excuse the shit he said. He more than most knows how far Liam has come. We were the three fucking musketeers on tour. Noah was there every step of the way—when we were snorting blow with models backstage, drinking ourselves to oblivion, and he was fucking there when I was doing chest compressions when we found Liam face down in his room in Chicago.”
As he talked, tears sheened his eyes. I hadn’t realized he had been the one to find his brother. That he’d done CPR. Gah. My heart hurt for him.
He shook his head vehemently. “Noah knows how much work Liam’s done. He was with me when I got the news about his second OD when we were so fucking far away on tour. He sat next to me on the goddamn plane and tried to distract me with stupid stories and jokes. And he sat with me in the waiting room while we waited to hear if he was alive or dead. Noah knows better. He fucking knows .”
“You’re absolutely right, Xander.” I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. There was nothing I could say or do to make it better. I just wanted him to know that I heard him. We all knew Liam’s history. I didn’t have any idea of how much Noah was linked to it though.
But I remembered how much Xander blamed himself for his brother’s addiction.
He might not have overtly said it just now, but I’d heard it in his voice too. And it made my heart hurt so much for him. I knew all about standing by and watching someone slowly harming themselves and not being able to do anything about it.
Addiction was a bitch.
“You’re right, Xan. He absolutely owes you an apology.” I squeezed his shoulders then leaned back to look up at his face. “Just maybe try to use your words, instead of your fists next time.”
Xander huffed. “Never would’ve figured a boss bitch like you would advocate for pacifism.”
“I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or a complaint.” I raised my eyebrows.
“Definitely a compliment. Watching you be all boss bitch is hella hot.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and rested his head against mine.
“Well, I manage to be a boss bitch without using my fists. I only need words to get my point across.” I paused and tilted my head as I recalled something. “Aside from that one time.”
Xander reared back. “What one time?”
I waved a hand. “It’s not important. But I do get the struggle of watching someone you love battle addiction. Like I told you on the flight over, my dad has been a degenerate gambler my whole life. I’ve had to watch him chase one sure thing after another. All while I scrambled to pay the rent and hid money from him in my underwear drawer.”
“I appreciate what you’re sharing, but I don’t see how it’s remotely related.”
“I did things that enabled my dad. I hid money to cover bills that he wouldn’t—or couldn’t—think about. I never once confronted him about his problem. I just lied to myself and probably to him too that it wasn’t that bad. Or that it wasn’t my problem, since I was just marking time until I could get the hell out of his house. It’s why I’m such a boss bitch now. I’ve had a lot of practice being the responsible adult. Even before I was an adult. So it’s kinda similar. We both are guilty of enabling.”
“That’s shit, babe. Everyone deserves a safe and happy childhood.”
“Yeah well, not everyone gets one.” I gave him a wobbly smile. “And I didn’t bring it up to switch the topic. I just want you to know that while you did enable Liam, you’re not responsible for his actions. Every drink or bump of coke or whatever was a choice that he made. You might’ve played a part in Liam’s addiction—like I did with my dad’s—but you’re not to blame for all of it. Liam is an adult; his actions are his own.”
Xander pulled back and glared at me. “You don’t think I’ve heard that over and over again? From therapists? From Noah? But I was the one who gave him his first bump. I was the one who introduced him to all the wrong people. That’s on me. I’m sure as fuck not as innocent as you were with your dad’s situation. You were a fucking kid; I was an adult who knew better. I just didn’t give a fuck at the time.”
I took a breath as his words and the shame in his voice washed over me. His hurting went so deep. I had to try a different tack. “He’s been clean for two years now. Don’t you think it’s time to give yourself a break? I bet Liam has.”
He shook his head and looked away.
“Have you asked Liam for forgiveness? For being the one who’s responsible for his addiction?”
Xander blinked at me like I’d just slapped him.
I hitched a shoulder. “You might be surprised by what he says.”
After a couple of thoughtful beats, he reached out and grabbed my hand, pulling me closer to him again. “I’ll think about it. You know, you’re too fucking smart for your own good sometimes.”
I rolled my eyes. “It has gotten me in trouble a time or two.”
Xander smirked as he brushed the hair out of my eyes. “I’d love to hear about it.”
“The story’s not nearly as naughty as you seem to think it is.”
“Hey, not everything I think is naughty.”
“Just most of them?” I raised my eyebrows.
He grinned down at me, then closed the short distance separating us, and kissed me, softly and sweetly.
Tears burned my eyelids when he pulled back.
Wrapping both of his arms around me, he murmured, “Are you really good to get ready on your own? I can arrange for someone to come help you.”
“Seeing how it’s usually my job to do the arranging for you, I think I’m good.”
“Fantastic.” He gave me a quick peck, then returned for a deeper, longer kiss. Finally breaking away with a groan, he stepped back. “I could do that all night, but you’ve got less than an hour to get ready, so…”
“Pshaw! I can be ready in twenty.”
“Well, in that case…” He stalked me down the hallway with an evil laugh.
“Xander!” I batted his searching hands away when he caught me at the entrance to our bedroom. “Just because I can doesn’t mean I want to! Grab your stuff and get ready somewhere else. I don’t want you ruining the effect.”
“Fine.” Xander huffed. He grabbed a few things from the walk-in closet and bathroom then stomped back to me. After giving me a firm look, he bent down to kiss me. “We really do only have like fifty minutes or so before we have to leave. I have reservations—”
“Plural?” I asked. He’d been so cagey about the rest of the night. This was the first I was hearing any kind of detail aside from ‘dress for a nice restaurant.’ “Reservations?”
He mimed locking his lips, then gave me a quick peck, and a smack on the butt. “Get ready.”
“Argh!” I groaned in frustration at his lack of an answer. How was I supposed to dress if I didn’t know where we were going? Lucky for him, I didn’t have a ton of going-out options.
But I might’ve taken extra pleasure in closing the door in his face.