Chapter 30
Still Xander
Northwick Park Hospital
London, UK
Clutching my head in my hands, I tried to keep it together.
Sometime in the hour plus wait since we’d arrived at the hospital, my rage had slowly built until I was all but vibrating with it. I was reliving my worst nightmare. Christ. CHRIST! I dug my fingers into my scalp and pulled. I wanted to break shit. Relieve some of this pent-up rage, but I couldn’t since I was currently sitting in a waiting room in the hospital.
And I’d be damned if I was going to get kicked out before they even told us if Noah was alive.
I kept flashing back to seeing him laying on that damn sofa. So still. Not even his chest moving.
I couldn’t bring myself to offer Harper comfort. I was still so fucking pissed.
Besides, it looked like Shay and Ella were more than capable of doing that for her.
Every time I looked in her direction, my jaw clenched. I wanted to yell and scream at her. Rail at her. This was all her fucking fault. We wouldn’t be sitting here waiting to hear if Noah was still alive, if she’d just told us what was up.
But she hadn’t.
She’d picked her career over the fucking health of one of us.
The door opened and all my muscles clenched, but it was only Wes, looking disheveled and as tired as the rest of us.
“Hey guys. Any news?” Wes asked.
“No.” Chase ran a hand over Shay’s back as he talked to Wes. “And I don’t even know if they will update us since we’re not family. How was the flight?”
“Eh, first-class commercial is still slumming it, but I made do.” Wes shrugged and rocked back on his heels. “And just a heads up, there’s already paps outside.”
Fuck, I hated fame.
And hospitals. Didn’t matter what country I was in, hospitals all smelled the same—like antiseptic and death.
It was so hard not to remember about the three times I’d been in a similar place for Liam. I’d been stoned to the gills myself the first time. I hadn’t even known what the fuck was going on. I still remembered laughing in the waiting room with Noah about something, completely oblivious to the fact that doctors were fighting for his life a few rooms away.
And how different it went the second and third times. Hell, the third time I hadn’t even been on the same continent.
But Noah had been by my side every time. He’d seen the aftermath of Liam’s ODs. Gone with us when I’d dropped Liam off at rehab. Listened to me pour my heart out with all my fears. I was still so goddamned worried that the next phone call was to tell me that Liam was dead.
And now I was worried about the same thing with Noah.
“ AAARRGH! ” I screamed, standing up and yanking on my hair. “How the fuck could he do this? He watched me go through this with Liam. Had been there with me the whole way. Why the fuck would he ever—”
“Noah’s dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease,” Wes said quietly and sucking all my frustration out, leaving me to sag and stare at him helplessly.
“What?” Chase asked.
“When?” Jesse barked from the other side of the girls since we were all sitting in the same row.
Nice to know I wasn’t the only one in the dark.
“After the US leg, he and his mom took his dad in for testing.” Tyler stood next to Wes with a somber expression. “I guess there have been some incidents at home, and they have family history… He got the diagnosis just before we left for Ireland, apparently. I only found out about it recently.”
“Don’t think we’re not gonna talk about the three of you getting together and deciding shit for the rest of us.” I jabbed a finger at Wes and Tyler who were standing shoulder to shoulder.
“Wait, what are you talking about?” Jesse jumped up. “What did they decide?”
“And when?” Chase asked, standing as well.
I tilted my head and stared at Harper, but she avoided my eyes. So I explained for her. “Harper thought Noah was using and took her suspicions to her boss instead of us. And they all agreed that, without proof, they couldn’t do anything.”
“We didn’t all agree!” Harper pointed out quietly. “I said we should get Noah help and postpone the rest of the tour. But…”
“They disagreed,” I finished for her. “So you guys didn’t say shit to the rest of us.”
“We can’t, Xander.” Wes sighed. “We didn’t have any proof. We can’t make you guys submit to a drug test. And the cost of canceling the tour is…huge. We wouldn’t be able to get insurance coverage for any future tours if we canceled mid tour. It’s not just your guys’ reputation on the line.”
I scoffed. “You made that crystal fucking clear when you threatened Harper with her NDA not to talk to us about Noah. Made her choose between her job, her reputation, and her fucking friend’s health. What the fuck is wrong with you? All of you?”
“When it comes to the health and safety of any of us, none of that bullshit should fucking matter,” Chase hollered. “You gotta tell us this shit. What the fuck were you thinking?”
“Whoa.” Tyler raised his palms in his defense. “I don’t know about any threats. When Harper brought her concerns to us, I told her I’d look into it. It did feel too early to postpone anything without proof. So I’ve been talking to Noah. Found out about his family struggles. But he wouldn’t admit to using.”
Harper snorted in derision. “Like I told you, you were only limited by your imagination. We could’ve had an intervention at the very least! Or worked with the insurance company to postpone dates so we could arrange treatment for Noah then pick up tour dates on the back end. You weren’t even trying to help him!”
Her voice rose with every example until she was all but shrieking at the end. My heart thudded unevenly at her open expression of grief or guilt. I couldn’t tell the difference at the moment.
I also couldn’t find it within myself to get up and comfort her. I was still so fucking pissed. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, she could’ve also done something. Told me. She’d slept beside me every night for two weeks with this weighing on her and hadn’t said a word.
Tyler shook his head. “In my experience, interventions don’t matter for shit until the person is ready to admit there’s a problem.” He turned to me and raised his eyebrows. “How many times did you drag Liam to rehab for help and it didn’t take? How many sober companions did you pay for? How many NA meetings did you take him to? You can’t make a person get sober. They have to want it for themselves.”
It felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room.
My head swam and I saw stars.
Fuck.
He was right.
Tyler was right .
I swayed unsteadily and sank back into my chair.
The band continued to argue around me, but it felt like it was coming from the end of a long tunnel—distorted and unfocused.
“…all right?”
I blinked and shook my head. I still felt off center. “I can’t stop thinking that I should’ve known. I should’ve seen the signs. But I was too twisted up in my relationship with Harper to see what was fucking happening in front of my face.”
Tyler, who’d sat in the empty seat next to me, sighed. “I have some experience with this kinda thing. I think you could benefit from going to Al-Anon.”
“What? I don’t have a problem.”
“Al-Anon is for the people who love someone with a problem. I’ve been meaning to mention it for a while. And now with Noah, you have it coming at you from both sides—both your family and your band. Al-Anon will give you some tools to help you cope.”
I just stared blankly into space in front of me. I wasn’t really absorbing what Tyler had said.
He patted my shoulder. “Think about it. Give me a call, and I’ll take you to a meeting. Anytime.”
I nodded mutely. My eyes drawn to Harper. She was still red faced and crying.
I could feel Tyler’s eyes on me, but he didn’t say anything about the sight I was torturing myself with. Instead he said, “I know we’ve butted heads a bit on this tour. I just want you to know that it wasn’t personal. I thought you were over Kelly, and she did so well opening for the band in Vegas. She was engaged, happy with Jay. You’d moved on. I didn’t think it was an issue.”
I finally turn my eyes to him and glared. “You should’ve come to us. Told us what was going on. Blindsiding me like that with Kelly was bullshit, and you know it.”
“You’re right. Part of my job is to take care of the contract details that you guys don’t want to. If you all want to have control over who the opening act is, I’ll negotiate that for you going forward.”
“How about having just a fucking ounce of decency and forethought to check with us before you negotiate anything that involves people from our past?”
Chase leaned in over Tyler’s shoulder. “Ditto. I don’t want to wake up to some email that we’re suddenly doing an ad campaign with Meadow.” He paused and shuddered dramatically. “Like fucking nails on the chalkboard to even hear her voice. Fuck that.”
I nodded my support. Considering she’d all but left him at the altar, it wasn’t an outrageous request.
“Ditto on Rowan,” Jesse chimed in from next to Chase and over Tyler’s other shoulder. “I mean the whole video thing wasn’t her fault, but she sure as shit made things difficult with Ella. Borderline harassment on her part too. Always touching and feeling me up. I can’t work with her again. Ever.”
Chase visibly gritted his teeth at the mention of our previous wardrobe stylist who Jesse had slept with on and off until he’d finally hooked up with Chase’s sister.
“Got it.” Tyler fought a smile, but the mirth was clear in his eyes. “The three of you have finally caught consciouses since you’ve all wifed up.”
“What?”
“That’s bullshit!”
“How fucking dare you!”
We all let Tyler have it until he finally held up his palms and backed away slightly. “It was a joke. It was a joke! Calm your tits.”
I heaved a sigh. Just when I thought the asshole had finally turned a corner, he said shit like that. Around our women.
My eyes darted to Harper again. She was watching with wide eyes until she realized I was looking at her. Then she ducked her head, her shoulders hunching like she was trying to make herself disappear.
Fuck.
“Glad we’re all on the same page. Tyler is a misogynist, and going forward we have a say with who we work with—whoever it is—we get final approval or we walk.” I pushed up from my chair, my eyes still on Harper’s tiny now visibly shaking frame. “If you’ll all excuse me…”
I took three steps in Harper’s direction when the door swung open again.
Only this time, a doctor stood in the doorway. “Noah Hawker?”
I froze.
But Chase hopped up. “That’s us. We’re here for Noah. What’s going on? Is he okay?”
“He’s given me permission to speak to his band. I assume that’s you gentlemen.” The doctor gestured to me, Chase, and Jesse, somehow figuring out Wes wasn’t one of us.
We nodded mutely.
“He’s alert and responsive, but he’s not out of the woods.” The doctor frowned gravely. “We will keep him at a minimum of overnight for observation. Right now, we’re monitoring his blood oxygen and ECG to make sure his lungs and heart are functioning as they should. The duty psychiatrist will assess him in the morning and help create a treatment plan going forward.”
“So he’s okay?” Harper’s voice was soft but punched through the room like a crack of thunder.
The doctor turned to where she was still sitting and gave her a sympathetic smile. “He is breathing on his own and hasn’t shown any signs of arrhythmia. I understand someone administered Narcan when they found him?”
Harper nodded. “Walker and Xander gave it to Noah after we found him.”
“There’s no doubt in my mind that you saved his life.”
The news should’ve been comforting, but Harper collapsed in Ella’s arms and sobbed.
All the rest of us could do was stand there and stare at her in sympathy.
I just felt so fucking numb. I’d been in this position so many times.
Chase visibly jolted then turned back to the doctor. “Thank you, doctor.”
“We’d like some background information if you feel comfortable talking.”
We all nodded mutely.
“Has Noah ever attempted to take his life?”
“No. Never.” Chase shook his head emphatically.
“Does he have a history of abusing drugs or alcohol?”
We all traded sidelong glances. Clearly no one wanted to admit to shit.
Finally I spoke up. “I mean, we’re rock stars. We’ve all dabbled. But a few years back, my brother ODed, and it was a wakeup call for all of us. Since then, it’s mostly just been alcohol and maybe a joint here and there. But nothing hard and definitely not to an abuse level.”
“Noah has been going through some personal stuff with his family,” Tyler added. “I think he started using drugs to escape a difficult situation.”
The doctor nodded as he scribbled something on his chart. No doubt writing something about the ne’er do wells Noah had surrounding him. “This has been beneficial. I’ll pass my notes along to the duty psychiatrist. They will come up with a recommendation of a treatment plan, but I’ll warn you, they’ll definitely recommend commitment to an addiction rehabilitation center.”
“I’ve already made a few calls,” Tyler said, shocking the hell out of us. “Noah has a bed at a facility in Minnesota.”
“Damn, Minnesota?” Jesse asked with a choked laugh. “We can afford to send him to a nice place in Malibu.”
“And I want to send him to a facility that will get results. Away from Hollywood bullshit.” Tyler retorted. “This has nothing to do with comfort and everything to do with results.”
The doctor and I nodded. “Respect.” I held out my knuckles to Tyler. “I sent my brother to a place in Arizona for a similar reason. All desert and no glamor. Nothing to do but work on himself.”
“You all should go home. Get some rest. Visiting hours start at nine. Depending on appointments, he should be available to see some of you then.”
“Thank you, doctor. We all appreciate all you did to save our friend’s life.” I crossed the room to shake his hand.
He gave me a half smile. “You really did most of the work, but I’ll take the credit.”
I didn’t feel it, but I gave him a smile anyway.
After he exchanged handshakes with the rest of the guys, the doctor left the room.
I turned back to the waiting room to find that Harper had slipped out too.
I didn’t know how to feel about that.