30. Mari
Iunderstood the balance of the universe. Good and bad, ups and downs. People come and go. That was the natural order of things.
Even in the biggest moments of joy, I’d felt that ennui of knowing that this too would end. It had felt too good being at Janice’s with this temporary family, pretending it could be my life. Everything was fleeting, and I had to protect myself against the future pain.
I ended up staying with Leo until after the new year. I would half-heartedly mention leaving, but I didn’t put up much of a fight when he insisted I stay. We checked on my apartment once or twice but returning made me feel like a visitor to a cold place. And since Janice and Faye had officially announced their relationship, his mother spent a lot more time at the other woman’s house, presumably to give us more space so they could have alone time.
It made sense that after the holidays, everyday life would feel lackluster and dull. Everything in the “real world” felt less exciting without Leo. Being around him was like watching things in hi-def, only to go back to analog.
I told myself it was the doldrums of January that caused this general malaise. Though now, it was nearing spring break, and the mid-March weather remained dreary, the final days of winter clinging on like a lingering cough after a cold. With each passing week, though things remained great with Leo, the ticking clock in the back of my brain grew louder. We never meant to get this close, but now were so intertwined I didn’t know how to be on my own without him. I didn’t want to be. I couldn’t even feed myself regularly without his reminders to eat or prepare meals. But when it was no longer easy or convenient for him, I’d fade away from the forefront of his mind, like everybody else.
The only minor hiccup had been when he’d told me about Vander’s offer to have Cath play with The Burnouts. He’d told me after she’d already accepted. It wasn’t that I was mad about the amazing opportunity; it was only that it made me feel like an outsider to their relationship. I had been an afterthought. I wouldn’t have expected it from them, but this was the way of things. It was like introducing two friends only to watch them hit it off and make plans without you.
It wasn’t like Cath and Leo even needed me, really. They were their own people who had formed a strong connection. Their tutoring and jam sessions would run smoothly regardless of whether I was there. I was happy for them. This adolescent yearning to be included was my own issue, and there was no way to express it without sounding needy and petulant. I couldn’t risk pushing Leo away, coming on too strong as I so typically did. I wouldn’t ruin what we had.
“Hey, Cath,” I said as the bell rang to end class. “Hang back for a sec?”
She glanced at the hallway but lingered as everybody else bolted out for the day. “What’s up?”
During today’s performance band rehearsal, her fellow musicians surprised Cath with a party to celebrate her early graduation and audition. Despite the friendly gesture, Cath’s jaw clenched, and the tension she’d been carrying in her shoulders seemed to worsen. She’d been more distant than I’d ever seen her, and I worried her nerves were getting the best of her. She needed a last-minute pep talk and reassurance that she had this audition in the bag.
“Tomorrow’s the big day. How are you feeling?” I asked.
“I wish everybody would stop calling it that. It’s not like I’m getting married.”
I blinked back, hurt at her sharp tone. I told myself the jitters made her lash out, and it wasn’t because she wanted nothing to do with me now that she’d bonded with Leo. “You’re right. It’s just another day. No pressure.”
“Right.” She scoffed.
I scratched at my brow, wondering how I kept getting it wrong with her. Maybe playing with The Burnouts in addition to everything else on her plate was too much. Perhaps she was spread too thin. “I just wanted to check in. Make sure you’re okay. It’s probably a lot of pressure to be preparing for college and playing with an actual rock band. If you need to talk?—”
“I’m fine.”
Right. Why would she want to talk to her teacher?
“Leo mention they finished their record? That you’re even going to be credited on a couple of tracks. That’s pretty cool, right?” I reached for anything to get her to connect with me, but she grew further away. I could almost see the shell coming up around her.
She nodded, studying her shoes. The more she retreated, the more desperate I grew. My time as her teacher was coming to an end, and I would never see her again. Except for the few kids who stayed in town after graduation, I rarely heard from former students. I wanted it to be different with Cath.
“Aren’t they going back on the road soon?” I asked, and my voice felt too high.
Cath gripped her backpack and glanced to the side. “Yeah. Problem solved, right? I have to go. I’ll see you at dinner or whatever.”
She left before I could understand what problem she referred to. I had only meant that if she was feeling stressed out, she could talk to me. My impulse was to chase after her and demand we talk things out, but I thought about Leo and what he would suggest.
She needed space and probably a friend to talk to. That wasn’t me.
That evening, Leo and I were going to Cath’s house for dinner. Her parents wanted to thank us for all the help with her audition. Maybe she’d calm down by then. I just wanted to leave campus for the day and try to get out of this funk. I packed up all my belongings and was just about to leave, anxious to sit, even if it was just to drive back to my apartment.
“Miss Mitchell, a word in my office, please.” Principal Pindich stood at the doorway, arms crossed, waiting for me to notice him. At least he’d gotten my name right.
“Right now?” I asked. “I was just on my way out.”
His nostrils flared. “This won’t take long.”
The trepidation I’d felt all morning made my feet leaden as I trailed behind him to his office.
“Have a seat,” he said, already waiting behind his desk.
There was a picture of him from a GVHS game of old, clutching a football and giving that same arrogant grin at the camera. The remembered conversation between Vander and Leo at Christmas had me biting back a smile. Just thinking of Leo allowed me to take a deep breath. There was no reason to assume the worst.
“Tomorrow is all set?” Pin Dick asked as I sat.
“Yep. Miss Hill is subbing my classes. Cath and her parents will meet me up in Knoxville.”
He made a sound of disapproval.
“Is that burnout coming?”
If I called out the insult, he would claim it was a reference to Leo’s former band and not a dig. “Yes. Leo will be going to support his student.”
Not that it was any of his damn business.
I bristled at him questioning me like I hadn’t been planning this for months, like I was just some flighty idiot who was going to wing it on my student’s most important day. Instead of frothing myself up more, I calmly explained how Leo was driving up separately. I didn’t tell him that Leo was taking a van from the charity Triple F to bring his drum kit as a surprise for Cath after her audition. I had several students who had been part of the local charity program started by Ford Rutledge to help teens and were happy to help. Leo had been so excited when he told me about his secret plans, and I couldn’t wait to see Cath’s face when Beatrice and the kids were officially gifted to her.
“She’s been spending a lot of time with that band,” he said with an undercurrent that had my just-smoothed hackles instantly prickling back up.
“Yes. They’re very good to her. And I’m always there,” I added to be safe. “My students are the most important thing to me,” I said honestly, staying focused. It was a sentiment he probably couldn’t relate to: caring about his students.
“I’m just warning you to keep an eye on her. Men like that are born trash and stay that way. Even with their money and fame. You better hope she doesn’t get seduced by the lifestyle and throw her future away like your boyfriend.”
I could talk about how Leo is financially secure for the rest of his life. Leo shyly admitted to me one night that he’d invested much of his money, and he still received royalties to cover the day-to-day expenses. The Burnouts’ continued success guaranteed that he would always be okay. I could also mention that Leo laid tracks with the band and got paid for it or about how much he’d done for the GVHS band and its community. But I didn’t need to justify Leo to a man like Pin Dick. The sun doesn’t justify its brightness to a desk lamp.
Pin Dick just needed to stroke his own ego to make himself feel better about the choices he’d made in his life. A classic case of insecurity coming out as cruelty.
“If we aren’t going to discuss my students, I’m leaving.” I stood.
A flush rose under his collar, and he jabbed a finger in the air. “Just make sure that kid doesn’t screw up tomorrow. Otherwise, I have to reconsider any funding for the band next year.”
The thrumming in my brain grew, almost causing me to tilt over.
“Are you serious? You’d cut band? After all I’ve done?” I asked, voice rising.
“It’s not a moneymaker for the school. You work hard, but this is never going to be a profitable program.”
“It’s a high school. Not a corporation.”
“Exactly. Our funds are limited. Before you get yourself all worked up in a tizzy, I’m just saying I might have to reconsider the budget next year. If we have an alum going to the prestigious Berklee College of Music, I could understand the value.”
The world spun around me. What was the point of all this? To work me up? To get under my skin? It was clearly working. Did he even have that sort of power? He was buddies with someone on the school board. How else would he have gotten this position in the first place? It wasn’t like he’d earned it.
“Thankfully, Cath is brilliant. So there’s nothing to worry about,” I said.
Pin Dick gave a shrug of we’ll see, hands clasped at his chin.
I left his office in a haze of anger and fear. He’d always been a jerk, the kind of guy who delighted in the little bit of power he’d been given, but he’d never threatened to do anything like this before.
The rest of my life spread out before me. Year after year, as I alone fought tooth and nail to keep these music programs going. Soon, the residents of Green Valley would stop turning out their pockets, and then where would I be? All alone and not even a job to occupy me. I suddenly felt so weary and exhausted, I had no idea how I would make it through dinner with Cath and her parents.
As I drove up to Cath’s parents’ house, I yelled out loud in the car all the things that I wished I’d been able to say to Pin Dick.
“You are just a sad little man with nothing but a pathetic high school football career to cling to!” I shouted at the windshield.
By the time I pulled up to Cath’s house, I must have looked slightly unhinged.
Leo had already arrived and was waiting for me. “Are you okay?” he asked as soon as he helped me out of my car.
I shook my head. “I’m so pissed off.”
He pulled me in for a hug and some of my tension dissipated. “What happened?”
“Pin Dick.”
“Of course. What did he do?” He rubbed my arms as he studied me.
But I didn’t get a chance to vent the frustrations out of my system because, at that moment, his cell rang. He looked at the screen and quieted it. “It’s just Vander. Probably just wants to meet up before they leave.”
I shook my head. “Go ahead and answer it.”
“Sure? It can wait if you need to vent about your day.”
“Trust me, my anger will keep.” I smiled.
He chuckled as he slid out his phone and said, “Hey, what’s up?”
His gaze never left mine as Vander spoke. I couldn’t hear what the other man said, only his deep, muffled rumble, but Leo’s features cleared. Not happy or sad, just neutral, and that was worse. It was as though he didn’t want me to read anything from his face. Any relief I’d felt seeing Leo at the end of this awful day was quickly swallowed back up by trepidation.
“When do you need an answer?” Leo asked.
His eye contact broke, and he turned away slightly, lowering his voice.
“So soon? Okay. Wow. I’ll talk with her.”
I’d become well-equipped to handle bad news over the phone, probably more so than most. So it surprised me just how sick I felt and so suddenly. It was like my knees were about to go out. This had to be about the tour. This was why I never made any future plans after Cath’s audition, because I knew Leo would never want to stay here. Not after everything got better with Vander, and he no longer felt obligated to me. Even if he didn’t like touring, he still hated living in Green Valley. And here was an easy way out.
I had planned for this exact scenario so it wouldn’t hurt. Yet the air felt knocked out of me all the same.
I didn’t want Leo to go. I think I’d gone and fallen in love with the man and this was a really, really shitty time to figure that out.
Leo ended the call, tension in his features as he found me watching and waiting.
“Everything okay?” I asked, trying to keep my tone light.
Leo deliberated a second too long. A moment to find an answer that wasn’t the truth.
This couldn’t be happening again. Not when I’d been so careful to protect myself.
Cath and her parents came outside to greet us.
“Let’s talk about it later,” he said.
I nodded and plastered on a smile, as inside the last vestiges of self-sufficiency crumbled to pieces. This time, there would be no picking me up and putting myself back together.