33. Mari
Iarrived at the campus music hall alone. Many other nervous-looking students milled around with their equally stressed adults. The atmosphere was hushed and thick. Nails bitten. Legs shaking. This was the day so many of us had worked toward.
And here I was, alone and with no student. There was still time. Cath could still show up. Her parents could still show up. My gaze constantly looked for dark curly hair, a foot above the rest of the crowd, but found no familiar faces.
A woman with a clipboard and loudly clacking heels circled the room, checking students in before heading back behind an ominous door. Every time she came out and called a new name, a bolt of anxiety made my palms sweat.
I hadn’t heard from anybody. I called Leo to see if he’d heard from Cath or Vander, but he didn’t answer. I couldn’t say I blamed him. I’d acted in anger last night and pushed him away.
Clara told me to trust that people would show up, but standing here alone, the darkness in my heart started seeping outward and into my body.
I was too loud and angry and needy. I pushed too hard. I needed too much. And all I had done was push everybody away. Clara was right. I was so scared to ever be the one left alone that I tried to control every situation. I bulldozed my way through life, bending people to my will so I could never be taken by surprise.
I sat on a low wall, feeling lower than I had in years. Since my brothers couldn’t make my college graduation or the first time my parents’ plans to visit fell through. How could it not be about me? I was the common denominator here. Wouldn’t it be delusional to think that I was lovable when I kept ending up alone? I never gave them the choice. Even with Cath. I hadn’t even considered that college wasn’t what she wanted.
Nobody was coming. I wouldn’t be chosen. Not by Leo. Not by Cath. Nobody wanted me. I was alone.
Because I’d made sure of it.
“Mari,” Leo said.
I looked up to find him standing in front of me, looking down at me with his easy half-smile.
“You’re here.” I exhaled, jumping up to hug him without thinking.
Every part of my body felt lighter. I would be okay. Whatever happened next, I wasn’t alone.
His light chuckle shook me. “Sorry, I’m late,” he whispered.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” I squeezed him tighter, realizing my body was shaking.
“So is Cath,” he said.
It was then I noticed her standing a few feet away with her parents. She glanced up and headed our way.
I broke the hug and stepped back but grabbed Leo’s hand.
He was here. I hadn’t messed this up. He showed up time and time again. And I wasn’t going to let go. I was going to tell him how I felt and trust that I was enough to keep him around.
“Leo, I have so much I want to talk about.” I needed him to understand how scared I’d been. How alone and terrified.
He cupped my chin. “I want to hear it all. But Cath wants to talk to you first.”
“Okay. Yes,” I said.
“After,” he said and stepped back again.
“Can I talk to you?” Cath asked at my side, voice shaking.
“Anytime,” I said to her.
We walked a few feet away. The woman with the clipboard had just left the closed door of doom, where students left either grinning or crying. She was headed this way.
Doesn’t matter.
I gave Cath my full attention.
“Leo told you about The Burnouts wanting me to tour this summer?” she asked.
My heart hammered in my chest. “I’m so excited for you. That’s such a great opportunity. Literally the coolest thing.”
“I’m going to accept,” she said simply. The choice hurt, but not how I thought it would, not because of the missed audition, but because Cath was leaving sooner, and I would miss her. I was so tired of missing people. “I didn’t want you to think I don’t appreciate you.”
“Cath, I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel like your only value was this audition. I’m sorry I pushed you so hard.”
“No. Don’t apologize. It’s weird. I don’t like when adults feel bad.” She held up her hands, and I laughed. “I just didn’t want you to be upset with me,” she admitted, and it was a top-five worst feeling of my life.
“I would never be mad at you. Not unless you were living for somebody else’s expectations.” I held her stare. “One of the most admirable and beautiful things about you, Cath, is that you have always lived to the beat of your own drum,” I said, and she groaned.
“Such a Leo joke.”
I laughed. “It’s true, though. Don’t start living for other people now. We all love you for you, not what you do for us. Berklee or The Burnouts. I support you and care about you.”
She nodded, nostrils flaring, eyes trying so hard not to roll. Or maybe cry. “That’s what Leo said.”
“Well, he should listen to his own advice.”
“That’s what I said.” She laughed.
“Do you feel better?” I asked her.
She nodded. “My parents basically said that too. I just needed to hear it, I guess.”
I hugged her. “I understand,” I said, genuinely meaning it.
She squeezed me tight back, a slight tremble to her body. She leaned back to break the hold. “But before I go, I’m going to absolutely crush this audition. Because I want to take a semester to see if I like college.” She grinned.
I smiled back. “That’s a great plan,” I said. “And that can always change. You may meet some people your age and start your own band.”
Her eyes widened. “Hell yes.”
The woman with the clipboard called her name. We shared a look of phew, that was close.
Leo and I hooted for her as she walked back to the room. She glared at us in mortification.
Leo was at my side. He squeezed my hand. “Is it weird that I feel like a proud parent right now?” he asked.
“I think it would be weird if you didn’t.”
I pulled him to an alcove off the main room where we could talk. I wasn’t sure how much time we had while Cath auditioned, but I couldn’t wait any longer. My body was buoyant with hope and happiness. It had been so heavy and stiff only a few minutes ago, and now I barely felt my body, like I was floating.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yes. Are you?”
“Weird morning.” He scrubbed his hands through his hair, bags under his eyes. “I don’t know that I did the right thing, but she seems better.”
He probably didn’t sleep great after last night, and the stress of the early morning couldn’t have helped. Yet he was there for her. For me.
“You did great. You continue to blow my mind, Leo. That’s what I want to talk to you about. I’ve been so guarded with you these past few months. I’ve grown closer to you than anybody I’ve ever known.” His eyes watched me closely as I spoke, and he swallowed. “I was so sure that you would stop showing up. Eventually, get tired of all that I asked of you. Because...” My throat got so tight I had to stop to take a full breath in. He came closer to hold me. “That’s all I’ve known. People leave, and I didn’t want to tell you that because it made me feel shameful. Like something was wrong with me.”
“Mari,” he said and dropped his head to mine. “I’m so sorry.”
“This time with you has shown me that you’re my family. You and Janice.” I shrugged. “And maybe even Vander, as like that one odd cousin who randomly comes to town sometimes.” He grinned as I went on. “I don’t feel so afraid. No. That’s not true. I think I feel more afraid than ever. But I also feel happier than ever. I’m hopeful and excited. You’ve given me a place to call my own.”
“You are everything to me,” he said, and chills ran down my spine. Our hands clasped as our foreheads came together.
“I’m sorry I pushed you away last night. You told me to trust that people stay, and I couldn’t. How all our lives folded together felt like it was too good to be true. Every minute, I waited for you to tire of my pushiness or bursts of anger. Last night, it was like I was trying to prove myself right. I felt how close you and Cath were. I felt Vander’s return to your life, and I thought, ‘I can’t compete with that.’ I mean, that’s all Janice wanted when she reached out to me. And it was all working out. You were getting out more. You’d made up with friends. You were making a name around Green Valley. And I would serve no purpose anymore.”
“What? What do you mean?” He leaned back to look at my face, head slightly tilted, like a puppy listening for food dropping.
“I thought that you wouldn’t need me once your obligation to Cath was done,” I said, cheeks burning red.
Saying it out loud felt so silly now. It was amazing how real thoughts felt until you gave them a voice. Then they just sounded like a lie.
“No.” He smiled with a huff and a swallow. “Before that. All Janice wanted?”
“Oh. Yeah. Just that it was her idea for you to mentor Cath.”
“Janice told you to ask me?”
“I-I told you that?” Dread filled me at his rapid shift in demeanor.
“You didn’t. You said you wanted me. You fought for me with a marching band.”
“That’s true,” I said slowly. “Devlin and Janice both suggested you, and Cath was a fan. It made sense.”
“Janice told you that I needed help? That I needed to get out of the house?” he asked, voice rising.
He stepped even farther back, a hand running over his face. My heart was racing. This was all coming out wrong.
“When you say it like that, it sounds sad, but it wasn’t anything shady.”
“I knew you never wanted my help. I knew it never made any sense that you would ask me when you and the rest of this town thought I was another failure.” He stepped in a circle, hands tugging through his hair, mostly talking to himself. I’d never seen him like this. Like this was some big reveal, and I’d set the trap.
“I did want you. I do want you. Did you hear the rest of what I said?” I asked.
“I’d been waiting for you to talk to me for months,” he said. “Waiting for you to say these exact things, and now it’s tainted. It was never about me. It was a debt to Janice. I was a charity case. Another person you had to help.”
“That is not true. It was a good setup for everybody. Does it matter how it started if it brought us here?” I asked.
“It matters if this isn’t real. If this is exactly why you kept yourself just a little out of reach from me. Because you never intended for any of this to happen.”
“I didn’t, but neither did you. Leo, I-I care about you deeply.” I wanted him to hear that he was loved, but fear held my tongue. I’d told him that I wanted him, and he was fixating on a small detail.
“Don’t say that just because you pity me.”
“Pity you?” I flinched back in hurt. “I envy you.”
“Come on.” He scoffed. “I’m the town joke, right? The loser burnout.”
“You are not. How many times do people have to say it until you believe it? Even if this town thought that, I don’t. I’m telling you that I envy what you and Janice have. You are such a tight family unit. I felt like such an outsider.”
“Don’t talk to me about being an outsider. That’s all I’ve ever been,” he spat with rage he’d never shown before. It was like the version of Leo I’d seen on the internet.
This was Leo, full of fear and self-doubt. It wouldn’t matter what I said now.
All my buoyant joy dissolved, leaving me unable to move with weighty disappointment.
“I’m gonna go.” He stumbled backward. “After all, I’m not needed now, right? The plan worked. I got out of the house just like Janice wanted, and you got your tutor.” He wouldn’t look at me. Both of his cheeks were splotched with red. “Two birds.”
I closed my eyes. “Leo. Please...” I wasn’t sure what I was asking. Don’t go? Don’t end it like this?
“I’ll talk to Cath later. Her parents have the drums,” he mumbled as he walked away quickly, hands tugging at his hair.
“Please don’t prove me right,” I finished when he was too far away to hear.