Chapter Nine #2
“I’m a fucking point guard,” I mumbled, and Nia looked over sympathetically. I could also see the fear in her eyes, worried that Coach Darlene was going to hear me.
After Coach Darlene went over who’d be playing and on which team, she told us to get into position. I did as I was told because I didn’t know what other option I possibly had.
“Tough look,” Mags mumbled to me, just quietly enough that no one else was going to hear her.
She was lucky I was just mature enough to know that saying When was the last time you asked your sister who she was hooking up with? wasn’t going to help anyone.
As we got into position, I tried to get myself in the headspace to play, but I couldn’t.
There were too many things going on in my head to possibly be able to focus.
It was hard enough when it was just that I didn’t feel like I was playing well—now, it was documented in Sports Illustrated, my team seemed insistent on not acknowledging it, which only made it worse, and Coach coincidentally was ‘trying out new positions.’
Anna looked over at Gemma and me. We were supposed to be a team for this game, but I had very little interest in having to engage with Anna directly.
Just looking at her was a reminder of how far behind I was falling and how much of a failure I was this season.
I suddenly understood a lot of the resentment Leah felt toward her family about Mags being the favorite.
Theo had never made it feel like a competition—we played in rhythm, always together.
But it sucked to be now in a position where it really felt like one, and I was losing.
We kicked off the game, the ball starting in my hands. I bounced it and moved up the court, carefully moving away from attempted steals.
I came up on Mags and thought through where I could go next on the court. “Your screen sucks.”
“GJ!” Anna yelled out, clearly trying to get the ball away from Mags.
She waved her arm to indicate that she was open.
I could see how to get the ball to her, but in a split-second decision, I danced around Mags instead and went for the basket.
I knew immediately I’d made a huge mistake—the ball bounced on the rim, almost like it was going to go in, and then fell.
“Shit,” I mumbled. So much for trying to be the hero. It turned out the only thing worse than already feeling like shit was trying and failing at making yourself feel better.
I could tell immediately that my teammates were not impressed. Even Anna, who never seemed to be affected by anything, looked a little annoyed.
Mags smiled, amused. “Nice shot.”
“Alright,” Coach Darlene snapped. “Let’s see some teamwork, alright? GJ, get the playmaker the ball. Don’t hold onto it.”
I took a deep breath, avoiding eye contact with every single person in the room. “Yes, Coach.”
After practice, I gathered my things and left as quickly as possible, more than ready to get my ass home.
I wasn’t even sure what I was going to do there—maybe lift some weights or something to burn off my nervous energy.
I kind of wanted to hide under the covers and never get up again, but that didn’t feel like much of a solution.
As soon as I was physically back outside, I felt a little better. The air was crisp and cool on my skin, and it was quiet, so it was a tiny break from the feeling I had that people were staring at me. For the first time all day, I felt like I could relax, even just a little bit.
I headed off on my walk home and was about to put my headphones in when I heard my name from a distance. I brushed it off, but it only got louder.
“GJ!”
I turned around and saw Ellie sprinting after me. She’d looped her thumbs into her backpack straps to hold her bag to her body as she ran. Her red ponytail bounced, her cheeks already flushed from the cold.
I slowed my pace down so she could meet me. “Hey,” I said, surprised to see her. Curiosity—and also already feeling guilty about being a bad teammate and a shitty captain—kept me from brushing her off.
“Can you…” Ellie paused and looked at me with a healthy dose of anxiety, like she couldn’t believe she was doing this.
She redirected to looking down at the ground as we walked.
“Can you help me with my passing? I know you’re busy and you already have a lot going on, so I feel bad asking.
But it’s my weakest skill. We have East Hill coming up and Point Brook.
And with so many of y’all graduating, I don’t want to wait too long to learn this stuff. ”
Even though I knew Ellie was a nice person, my defenses immediately went up. “Did someone put you up to this?”
Ellie looked genuinely taken aback. Her full lips fell apart in surprise. “What?”
“I know you saw the article about the team. Nobody wants to talk about it for whatever reason, which is making it worse, but I know it definitely made the rounds,” I said. I stuffed my hands in my pockets, avoiding looking at her.
“I don’t care about that stuff. Journalists and fans and whoever else don’t actually know you, but I do,” Ellie insisted.
When she could tell that the approach wasn’t working, she softened her tone.
“I saw the article. But my only takeaway from it was that we could improve as an entire team. There’s clearly a piece missing. ”
“That piece being Theo.”
“Kind of, but not necessarily. It was an honor to play with her, and we’ve definitely been missing her on the court, but we have the talent.
We’re leading our conference in rebounds and steals.
And our field goal average has been one of the best our team has ever had.
Our overall points per game have taken a hit since we didn’t have anyone as solid with threes as Theo, but that’s not all that matters. ”
I smiled a little. I’d never actually gotten to know Ellie well enough to realize she had an accent that very softly came through when she spoke.
And I’d also never gotten to know her well enough to really have an opinion on her, but right now, I appreciated her certainty and no-bullshit analytical approach to the game.
It was giving me a much-needed reminder—the team was more than me.
I’d been so focused on my shit and how I compared to Anna that I hadn’t been paying attention to any of our collective wins, just my personal losses.
We walked side-by-side down the same sidewalk Theo and I used to take walking back from practice. I used to tease Theo about Maya here, debrief practices and games here. It was nice to have someone walk this way with me again after so long.
“We’re not a bad team, and I don’t think it’s fair that they’re painting us that way,” Ellie continued.
“I’ll own up to asking you about this now because of the article, but I also think a lot of it was for engagement.
Everyone’s waiting for us to fail because they keep chalking up our past wins to only Theo. We know better than that, though.”
I took in what she was saying. Despite the shitty, uneasy feeling that felt like it was going to swallow me whole, Ellie’s words were making a difference. The glimmer of hope was back, even if it was weak and would inevitably be short-lived.
“I think this is the most we’ve ever spoken to each other consecutively,” I said, mostly to deflect the way Ellie’s earnest support was making me legitimately emotional.
I wasn’t really a crier—more of a crack jokes until the feeling passed person—but the stress of the day was making me want to curl up in bed and let it out.
I’d never been in a position before where the critiques people were offering felt grounded in truth.
Normally, it was comments online from someone comparing me to their favorite player, stacking up stats or awards or general accomplishments against each other.
It’d always been things where I’d just roll my eyes and get annoyed because it was obviously biased or coming from someone who didn’t actually understand basketball.
But I was having an off-season. No one would argue that. And it made it a million times worse knowing the critics were right about me.
I didn’t want to fuck up Ellie’s positive perception of me, but it was hard not to be surprised she came to me after getting such a swift and public kick in the nuts.
I wasn’t even sure I believed in myself anymore; I didn’t see why she would.
“You really want to work with me on it? I know Gemma’s working with some of the girls on the team. ”
I didn’t say what I really wanted to say, which was asking why she wasn’t just going to Anna instead of me.
Not going to Gemma was fine enough; Gemma had always been good at being the team’s glue, but wasn’t much of a strong personality on her own.
Anna made sense to ask, though, especially now that Coach Darlene seemed determined to have her running point.
I also had never thought of myself as much of a teacher or a coach-to-be. That’d always been Theo’s role.
It suddenly all made sense. “Theo used to coach you.”
Ellie nodded. “I don’t like comparing players, but personality-wise, you match each other. And you played well together.” She turned to me, and I could see how badly she wanted me to hear her out in her eyes. “I just really, really want to be good, and you’re the best I know here.”
I furrowed my brow. “Dude, you’re already really good. You didn’t just make the team by accident. You got yourself transferred out here and were good enough to play as Theo’s shadow. And I mean that as a compliment—a lot of people wouldn’t be able to keep up with her like that.”
Ellie’s face remained unmoved. I realized I’d spent years making the mistake of underestimating her because she was quiet. The determination in her expression and the way she was completely serious about wanting to improve said everything.
“Alright, let’s do it,” I finally agreed, surprising myself. I looked at her. “I might be a little scared of you, Ellie Allison. You’re hard to say no to.”
“I’m a farmer’s daughter—not one thing in life is funny,” she said firmly.
I saluted, my lips turning up in a smile. “Yes, ma’am.”
There wasn’t one ounce of bullshit in her, I could tell.
Suddenly, Theo’s certainty that Ellie was one to watch was making more and more sense.
She’d never made it onto any lists about players to watch, she didn’t sell jerseys, she wasn’t being whispered about when it came to getting drafted.
But something told me if she did it just right, she was going to be the breakout draftee of her senior year.
“Which way is your place?” I asked as the end of the sidewalk came into view, and it was almost time for me to take the right to my apartment.
“Up this way,” she said, pointing in the opposite direction of where my apartment was.
“I’ll walk with you. We can talk about your turnover during the Dalton State game.”
For just a moment, a whisper of a smile appeared at Ellie’s lips. “Okay.”