Chapter Nineteen #3
Mags turned to look at us, making my heart nearly completely stop. She was tucked into a corner with Gemma. It was obvious the two of them had been in the middle of a casual conversation, entirely unaware of what happened in the bathroom nearby.
At first, she’d glanced up probably just to see who’d stumbled into the room.
I could see in her expression when it registered who exactly she was looking at.
Her eyes bounced between me and GJ, the pieces coming together.
I hoped maybe she’d just let it go and wouldn’t think too much about it.
But if there was anything that was going to give it away, it was the guilty expressions on my and GJ’s faces, and the way our bodies were still leaning toward each other, even when we knew we’d gotten caught.
Almost like neither of us really cared that much about keeping the secret from her.
I expected Mags to do a lot of things—yell, make a scene, throw a drink, cause a problem. But instead, she turned around and headed straight for the door.
“Mags! Wait,” I called out after her. I turned back to GJ, who looked at me with a tell me what you want me to do expression. Despite the anxiety already building in my chest, just looking at GJ was enough to level me out. “I’m going to talk to her.”
“Do you want me to come?” she offered.
“No, it’s okay.” I turned to Gemma. “You should be on standby, though. I think she’s going to need you after this.”
“I’m already prepared,” she said. She smiled softly at me. “This is just Mags being Mags, though—I’m happy for you guys. I think the rest of the team will be, too.”
I fought off a smile. I wasn’t sure I liked how quickly the word would inevitably spread, but I also shouldn’t have expected any differently. “Thanks.”
I looked back at GJ one last time—my steady rock, the one who looked ready for anything at all that might come of this. For the first time ever, I was dating someone who I knew was worth fighting for, and that was what mattered most to me.
I pushed through the front door and was immediately greeted by freezing Colorado air. It wasn’t hard to figure out which direction Mags had gone in because I could see the outline of her sneakers in the snow flurries sticking to the ground.
“Mags,” I called out as I followed her down the sidewalk. She kept up her pace, not even turning around to look at me. “Can you please stop and look at me? Can we talk? Please?”
She continued on in silence, and I rolled my eyes. She couldn’t see me, but she was only a few paces ahead, so I knew she could at least hear me.
“Look, I feel bad about lying to you, but I don’t feel bad about pursuing things with GJ on my own time. I should be allowed to make my own mistakes and date who I want to date. I appreciate you trying to protect me or whatever, but it’s not your job. I never asked you to do that.”
“I asked you not to date my teammates,” Mags finally said, turning to look over her shoulder.
I hugged my arms around my body, the cold catching up with me.
The snow was starting to come down in heavier, wetter flakes now, too, which wasn’t helping.
Unsurprisingly, the sidewalks were almost entirely empty, too late for people to be just heading out and too early for people to be going home.
We passed by deceptively cute family homes, all of them lit up different colors on the inside from parties students were hosting, as we walked further and further from The 151.
“And I understand why you established that rule, but you also don’t get to hold me to that forever. And, by the way, you’ve been on about a million different teams with a million different people, and this is the first and only time I’ve broken your rule. Shouldn’t that tell you something?”
“All it tells me is that you’re acting out or something.
You still haven’t even properly apologized to Mom and Dad.
Clearly, something weird is going on with you.
You might think things with GJ are real, but I promise in, like, six months, when this blows over, and you're burned by her, you’ll realize they never were. ”
I groaned, not believing that for even a second.
And even if it was true and things crashed and burned with GJ, it was my business.
Not that Mags would ever in a million years understand that.
“You are so convinced that something is wrong with me, but this is who I actually am. I’ve spent my entire life trying to appease you guys, and it hasn’t worked.
So you are right that I’m behaving differently now, but it’s because I’ve learned better.
I’m finally acting and feeling like an independent person with my own personality.
I found someone who has made me realize I am capable of handling my own shit, and I’m trying my best to embrace that. ”
Mags finally stopped and turned to look at me. I stopped where I was standing, maintaining a distance between us. “Yeah, because GJ is such a positive influence?”
“She is, actually. I know you have a bone to pick with everyone on the team because you worry you’re not as good as them or whatever, but you’re letting it get in the way of everything else. GJ is a wonderful person. Theo was a great teammate—”
Mags scoffed. “I don’t think they’re better than me.”
“Then whatever your fucking problem is with them, it’s not my problem. I don’t have to fight your battles for you. Especially since you have never fought them for me. You have never cared about what’s best for me. You never stand up for me when Mom and Dad are being assholes.”
“I just don’t get what your problem is with them. I’ve been trying to understand, but I don’t see it.”
“Probably because you don’t know how to think about anyone other than yourself,” I snapped. “And that might not be fully your fault because Mom and Dad taught you the world revolves around you when we were, like, five, but you’re also an adult now. It might be time to figure it the fuck out.”
For possibly the first time ever, Mags looked legitimately hurt by my words.
And although my initial gut reaction was to feel bad about it, I fought it off.
I probably could’ve said it in a nicer way, but I meant what I said.
I couldn’t avoid conflict for my entire life with my family; it was making me miserable.
I was beginning to see the appeal of temporary discomfort over being trapped in a life I was too much of a coward to get myself out of.
“I really like GJ, and I think GJ really likes me, too. What we have going on isn’t just some stupid fling. I’m not blowing everything up with her just to make you happy.”
“How long has it been going on for, then? You were so certain not too long ago that you were just being ‘nice’ saying hi to her family.”
“Okay—”
Mags slowly nodded, taking everything in. I could see the wheels turning as it all clicked into place for her. “You guys both lied to me. This has been a thing, hasn’t it?”
“It’s been a few months,” I admitted.
Mags guffawed. “A few months? Jesus. What was even the plan?”
“To…fool around? I don’t know. There wasn’t a plan. We’re just two people who happened to be interested in each other, and then it turned into more. Not everything is some kind of scheme to ruin your life. This isn’t about you. Not even a little bit.”
“Right.”
I threw my arms up, entirely out of things to say.
We hadn’t gotten into a physical altercation since we were literal children, but I was feeling close to it.
“You are so obsessed with being the center of everyone’s universe.
You think you are so much more important than you actually are, and I’m so tired of it.
I can’t do this anymore. Mom and Dad might’ve set me up for failure, but at least I’m figuring it out—I don’t know if you ever will. ”
Rather than reacting in any of the ways I thought she would—anger, annoyance, hurt—Mags just blinked at me. “I don’t know what you mean by that.”
I sighed, my breaths appearing as a cloud in front of me.
We needed to get out of this cold soon, or we were both going to get sick.
We also needed to get physically away from each other before this really got ugly.
“You will eventually. It might not be me who makes you realize it, but one day you will realize you think you are way more important than you are to everyone around you. When you’re ready to deal with that, I’ll be here.
But for now, I don’t know if I have much else to say to you. ”
Mags, never one for reflection, let the comment slide right off. I took a deep breath, recognizing that it wasn’t worth the fight. She was an adult—it was up to her if she wanted to listen.
“Okay, well, any other secrets I should know about? Old teammates, you had things with that you never mentioned?” Mags asked.
I winced, knowing it was now or never. It wasn’t exactly the kind of secret I could tell she was digging for, but it was something I’d been holding onto. “I didn’t want to live with you this year. And I don’t want to live with you anymore once we graduate.”
To my surprise, that seemed to be what impacted Mags the most. Her face crumbled with genuine hurt. “You don’t like living together?”
“Do you actually like living with me? Or do you just like the comfort of living with your sister rather than someone random?” I asked. “Because we don’t really get along. We bicker constantly—”
“Yeah, that’s like, what sisters do.”
“But they don’t have to do that all the time.
We’re adult women now and about to be college graduates.
You’re, like, ninety-five percent of the way to getting drafted to play a professional sport.
We’re not sixteen and forced to cohabitate under our parents’ roof.
We don’t need to go everywhere together anymore. ”
The words felt so ridiculously good to say that it almost felt like a high. A weight I didn’t even realize had been there immediately lifted from my chest.
There were so many things I’d wanted to say to Mags over the years that I hadn’t, but that was probably the one that had been the hardest for me.
I knew it would disappoint her, and there was no way it wouldn’t cause strife.
But it just didn’t feel as important as being selfish and doing what I wanted to do.
“I know it sucks to hear, and I’m sorry I’ve been holding onto it for so long, but I can’t keep it to myself anymore.
I need to start making my own decisions, even if they end up being mistakes. ”
It all felt so good to finally say that I hoped that the feeling would transfer to Mags. This was her chance to finally redeem herself and see where I was coming from. I hadn’t given her the chance before because I’d been too scared to actually say how I was feeling, but now there was no excuse.
“Do what you need to do,” Mags finally said, and then turned to walk away.
I was so stunned that I didn’t even yell after her this time. It was obvious she didn’t have anything left that she wanted to say.
“Okay,” I whispered, brushing away the hurt of yet again feeling rejected by someone in my family. I was prepared to a certain extent, but this hurt the worst of anything so far. I’d finally given Mags and me a chance to connect, and she completely brushed me off.
But as I walked back to The 151, I realized I was angry—unsurprising—but not guilty. I didn’t regret anything I’d said. And I didn’t regret going back to the party rather than wasting my night trying to make up with Mags. I’d said my piece; it was up to her now on what she wanted to do.
At the end of the driveway down the street, I saw someone standing outside in the cold. It didn’t take long for me to realize it was GJ.
All of the fury melted from my body in an instant. “You waited out here for me?”
“Of course I waited for you,” GJ said, and I hugged her, leaning my head against her firm chest. “Dude, you’re freezing. Here, put on your coat.”
GJ held out my coat, and I slipped my arms into it.
There was so much I appreciated—she knew which coat was mine, went through the trouble of finding it for me, waited outside for me just in case I came back to the party and needed my coat.
It was the sweetest, most wonderful change of pace from people who couldn’t even be bothered to offer me water after sex.
Up at the front of The 151, I could see Soph standing outside with a few of my other friends.
It was so cold that I could see their breath from a ways away.
Illuminated by the front light of the house, Soph’s lips turn up in a smile.
She nodded, telling me it wasn’t just the Lakeside Green Coyotes—minus Mags—who approved of me and GJ.
GJ put an arm around me, speeding up the process of warming me back up. I could’ve stood there forever with her, just taking in the smell of her cologne and feeling so warm and so safe. But it was cold, and the snow was getting too heavy for that.
“Can I go home with you?” I asked.
“You’re sure?”“There’s nothing left to say to Mags tonight. I’d rather go back with you. And we have another episode of that sitcom you introduced me to.”
GJ smiled and kissed the top of my head. “Whatever you want.”