Chapter Five
Aspen
A few days had passed since Banshee had asked me about my marriage. Now he was avoiding me. I refused to let him make this about him, though.
The audacity of that man to blame himself. Why? Because he chose not to buy me from my father? Would I have been better off with Banshee? Safer?
There was no question in my mind that I would have. But I didn’t blame him. I didn’t even blame my father. I knew why he’d done it. I’d heard him talking to Jupiter, his VP. He was still looking for my sister. And Skinner had told him he had information. Skinner lied.
Shocker!
Maybe I was na?ve, but I understood why my father did what he did. I couldn’t imagine losing a child and still not having answers after fifteen years.
So I went along with it. I wanted to find my sister as much as my parents did. I’d missed her so much. My mistake was believing that other men loved their wives the way my father loved my mother. I’d believed that men in other clubs, despite being criminals, had the same morals as my father’s men.
I’d learned quickly there was no honor among thieves.
Pepper had made it clear that I belonged to him and he could do whatever the hell he wanted.
I was his property, but never his old lady.
And he kept me in line by reminding me that my father’s club was small.
That if I told my parents anything other than that I was happy, the Death Dogs would take them out.
I knew it was true. Skinner’s word meant nothing unless he was threatening you.
I’d kept my word, though. I kept my mouth shut and distanced myself from my family. When I ran, I asked Kytten to check on my family. I knew I couldn’t go back there. Not without starting a war.
If staying away from my family meant keeping them safe, then I would give them up. I would sacrifice my happiness for them.
I entered the clubhouse after my morning walk to a smiling Haizley. She’d helped me so much more than she would ever know. Even being here in the clubhouse helped. It was familiar. Comforting.
“Morning,” I greeted.
“Good morning, Aspen. I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you came down.”
“That’s okay. I can’t expect you to be there forever, right? Besides, I’m sure you didn’t get much sleep with the way Gunner carried you out of here over his shoulder.” I waggled my eyebrows at her, and she blushed.
“No, it wasn’t like that. We talked. There is nothing between Gunner and I.”
“Why not? I wouldn’t turn down spending the night with a hot biker. Well, I mean, eventually. If I’m ever ready for that again.”
I didn’t think I would ever be ready for another relationship. Maybe a night or two with someone that I knew was safe. Someone who wouldn’t hurt me.
“It’s okay to feel attraction, Aspen. Your healing is on your timeline, no one else’s. There is no right or wrong time to let go and move on.”
“I know,” I said. “I’m just not sure I’m ready for anything other than appreciating from afar.”
“And that is perfectly acceptable.” Haizley squeezed my hand, and I let myself relax.
“Aspen, I am going to move back home today.”
My shoulders dropped, and I heaved out a sigh. I knew it was coming. She didn’t want to be here. I understood that. This life didn’t suit everyone.
“I figured you might.”
“Are you ready to be here without me the whole day? I’ll still come by for your sessions. For the time being, I can come earlier or later, and I can hang out with you and the girls as well. Like we have done while I’ve lived here. Until you are sure you’ve settled.”
“So, we can be friends? Not just therapist and patient?” I asked quietly. I’d begun to get to know the women here. The old ladies and the club girls. I liked them. I wanted to be friends with them.
The club girls here weren’t like they were back home. They didn’t compete for the brothers’ attention. If a man was taken, they backed off. They still talked and joked with them, but they didn’t try to seduce them. They were together with the old ladies. Helping out wherever they were asked.
The club girls back home had no morals. More than one of them had their ass handed to them by my mother. She didn’t play their bullshit games when they tried to seduce my dad.
My mother didn’t share.
Haizley reached over, covering my hand with hers. “Of course.”
“Okay.” I looked around the room, searching for Banshee. He was sitting at the bar with Brandy. He did that a lot. I couldn’t help wondering if he’d slept with her. If he’d slept with all of them.
They had their heads close together, sharing secrets. Suddenly, Banshee threw his head back and laughed. I’d never heard his laugh before. Every interaction I’d had with him had been gruff and angry.
I released a sigh and focused back on Haizley. I was only torturing myself with thoughts of what could have been. Thoughts of what never would be.
“He’s very handsome,” Haizley said.
“Yea,” I agreed. Shaking my head, I inhaled deeply and asked, “Do you need help with your bags?”
“No, I only have two. Would you like to have your sessions in the morning or the evening?”
I glanced back at the bar, knowing how often they sat together ignoring everyone else, and I answered, “I think mornings would be best.”
“Okay, let’s get to it then.”
I followed her to my room, and we closed ourselves inside. We talked about Greg and what had happened. How I felt about the things I couldn’t remember and the things I could.
Neither was easy to accept. But Haizley was so patient and kind. She held me when I cried, letting the unknown overtake me. I didn’t share much of my past with her.
It didn’t make sense to open up about a life that was so far away. The past was Irene’s life. Aspen’s life was the present.
The weather was slightly warmer this morning as Diesel and I quickly ate our breakfast and headed outside. We’d made our rounds around the backyard, and despite the warmer temperatures, I decided not to linger.
I was surprised to find Haizley sitting at the bar with Bane. She was earlier than usual. I made my way over to her, and one look at her face filled me with shock and concern.
“Oh my God, Haizley! What happened?”
“I’m okay. I promise.”
“But what happened?” I asked again. She looked like she’d gone five rounds with Mike Tyson. Her face was bruised, and she had a cut across her cheek.
“We’ll talk about it in your session, okay?” Reaching out, she placed a hand on my arm. “Are you okay having it a little earlier this morning?”
“Yes.” I nodded, my eyes focused on the black circles on either side of her nose.
“Okay, let’s go up to your room.”
Haizley paused, turning to Bane.
“I’ll let Gunner know where you are.”
“Thanks.”
Haizley and I walked upstairs to my room. My thoughts were going wild with all the scenarios that ran through my head. Yet, never once did I suspect Gunner or the other brothers.
Entering my room, she sat in the chair in the corner, and I climbed on the bed with Diesel by my side. He slept with me every night, and feeling his warm body snuggled up against me had kept the nightmares away.
“I have something to tell you,” she began. “You’re going to want to blame yourself, but I need you to understand this was not your fault. You bear no responsibility for what happened to me. Okay?”
My breathing became shallow. Diesel’s ears perked up, and Haizley moved to the bed, taking my hands in hers. I knew what she was about to say. There was only one reason she thought I would blame myself.
Greg.
“Aspen, look at me.” My hand dug into Diesel’s fur, and he scooted closer, trying to climb in my lap. He knew I was distressed, and he tried to calm me down. It wasn’t working.
“Aspen,” Haizley said.
Diesel barked at her firm tone, and she laid her hand on his head.
“Aspen, honey, I need your attention.”
“It was Greg, wasn’t it?” My voice was shaky, and Haizley rubbed my hand between hers.
“Yes.”
I closed my eyes and let the tears fall. This was my fault. If I’d just let him do what he wanted, he never would have gone after Haizley.
“Aspen, I am okay. Greg is dead.”
My head snapped up, and I looked at her. “What?”
“Greg is dead. He broke into my home and attacked me.”
“Did he—”
“No,” she said, cutting off my question as she shook her head. “I killed him before he could. Aspen, I am telling you this because I want you to have closure. I want you to know you don’t have to be afraid of Greg anymore. He can’t hurt you again.”
“So, I can go home?”
Please say no. Please say no.
I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t think I could live there again. The memory of waking up with him sitting on top of me would never go away. The clubhouse was safe. It was comforting. It felt like home.
“Do you want to go home? King said you can stay here longer. You don’t have to go home if you aren’t ready.”
I fell forward, holding my head in my hands as my elbows rested on my knees. The relief I felt, knowing I could stay, made me want to weep with joy.
“Aspen, there’s more.”
I took a few deep breaths before sitting up and looking at Haizley.
“Okay, I’m ready,” I said.
“Aspen, I have to ask you something. Not as your therapist, but as your friend.”
“Anything, Haizley.”
“I didn’t call the sheriff last night. I called the club. They came and cleaned everything up. They got rid of the body. I need to be sure you won’t tell anyone.”
“Oh. Absolutely. Your secret is safe with me.”
I knew the rules.
“I know this isn’t fair of me to ask this of you—”
“No, stop. He didn’t deserve to live. The things he did, the number of women he... It’s the way things are done in an MC.”
She looked at me then. I’d said too much. I’d made her question me.
“Are you okay, Aspen?”
“I am. Thank you.”
She studied me for a few minutes, and I wondered if she would ask. I knew I had revealed something with how quickly I accepted what she’d done. But finally, she moved back to her chair.
“Okay, let’s talk about how you’re feeling about all this.”
I spent the next hour talking about how I felt about Greg’s death. We outlined some steps to move toward that would help me get back to the person I was before. Only I wasn’t sure I wanted to be her anymore.
I was no longer Irene, the youngest daughter of Kronos. I wasn’t kidding when I told Banshee she was gone. But Aspen wasn’t exactly me either. I didn’t know who I was. But maybe Haizley could help me figure that out.
We agreed I was ready to drop my sessions down to a few days a week, rather than every day. But I wasn’t quite ready to venture out beyond the safety of the clubhouse walls.
I wasn’t sure I ever would be. Here I could hide. From my husband, from my family. From my life.
No one but Banshee knew who I really was. Here, I could be anyone. I didn’t have to be the youngest daughter of the Gods of Mayhem president. I didn’t have to be Zeus’ little sister. Nor did I have to be the baby sister of the missing girl.
The cherished daughter.
The wanted daughter.
No, here I could be Aspen Winters.
A nobody.
I never thought that being a nobody would be so wonderful.