Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
Three Months Ago
Ash
After fourteen total hours of travel, we finally land in Helsinki. I was able to sleep the entire flight, which is not an easy feat for me, so by the time we go through customs and pick up our luggage, I am awake and ready for the day.
Eli, on the other hand, looks more tired than I’ve ever seen him and his pale blue eyes are bloodshot and a little puffy. “Hey, are you okay?” I ask, gently stopping him by hooking my hand around his elbow.
Eli looks down and smiles tiredly. “I’m good, I just don’t really enjoy long flights. Couldn’t sleep.”
I nod and let go of him. We each grab a cart and pile our hockey equipment bags, suitcases, and backpacks on them before making our way out of baggage claim.
Maybe I should have been more worried about what Eli’s parents would be like when I first met them, but I can tell right away that I’m going to love them. I could spot them from a mile away. His dad looks how I imagine Eli would in 30 years. He’s just as tall and imposing, with dark blond hair and the same color eyes as his son, except he has the slightest glimmer in them when he reaches out to hug Eli.
His mom is shorter than I expected, her head barely reaching Eli’s chin, but the fierce hug she gives him shows how strong she is. I stand by, watching their reunion, not knowing what to expect, but it doesn’t take long for them to notice me.
Eli’s father smiles as he shakes my hand and says, “Ashton, welcome to Finland. Is this your first time here?”
“Yes, sir,” I say, trying to sound more confident than I really am in front of this man that Eli looks up to so much. I am meeting Eli’s family. This is a huge step for me and some panic finally starts to set in. What am I doing here, intruding on Eli’s time with his family? Does he truly want me here?
His mom wraps me up in a swift hug as Eli looks at us with a soft smile. Our gazes catch and I take a deep breath. This is fine. He does want me here, he wouldn’t have suggested this otherwise.
An hour later, we get to Eli’s childhood home, which is not far outside of the city. The mint green house looks more like a duplex, with two separate entrances, except it’s connected together through the living room. The ceiling is high and the kitchen is on the right side of the house, with a small dining room tucked in a corner by the door to the back patio. The left side of the main floor of the house has a large master bedroom and bathroom. This is where his parents sleep.
Upstairs there are two more bathrooms, and three bedrooms. One is Eli’s old room, one is his brother’s, and the last is the spare bedroom. Except, when we get to the spare bedroom, it looks more like a craft room than anything else. There’s definitely no bed in here.
“Mom, what happened to the spare bedroom?” Eli asks, frantically looking around.
“I turned it into my office. I paint and sell things on Etsy now,” his mom says proudly, showing off her work area.
“Since when?” Eli asks. Is it just me or does he seem panicked?
“Since last year, hani. ” Eli’s mom says something else but my mind is stuck on that word, hani.
Eli calls me that all the time, and I still don’t know what it means.
“What does that word mean? Hani? ” I interrupt quickly, before the conversation can move to another topic.
She smiles at me and says, “It means honey . It’s—what do you call it—a term of endearment?”
I feel a flutter in my chest and I can’t stop smiling. When I look over at Eli, I see his face is beet red and he’s looking everywhere but at me.
“Why do you ask?” Mrs. Kalias says.
“Oh, I’m just curious to learn more of the language,” I say with a smirk. “I have more words to ask you about. What does ilo ?—”
Eli jumps in at this point and distracts his mom. “Do we have a spare mattress then, can we set it up? I won’t have Ash sleeping on a couch for the whole summer.”
His mom looks almost offended. “ Hani, of course not. He’ll be staying with you in your room. We switched your twin bed out for the queen size. I’m sure you can share.”
Eli’s face looks so red, I’m afraid he’s not even breathing at this point.
Well, well, well. We get to share a bed after all, it seems.
“Of course we can. Thank you so much for having me, by the way. I really appreciate it! I’m excited to see more of the city,” I say, trying to get into her good graces. She seems like a lovely mom. I know she likes me immediately because she won’t stop beaming at me.
“There is so much to see, and I can show you later, there’s a hiking path right behind the house, you can go on walks or run. It’s beautiful.”
“Sounds incredible,” I say, genuinely excited to be here.
Eli still has not said anything since finding out we’ll be sharing a bed, so I pat him on the shoulder and ask, “Where’s our bedroom?”
He throws me a glare and I can’t help it, I laugh. He’s so cute when he’s flustered.
“Eli, are you okay? You look a little red,” his mom says, reaching up to feel his forehead.
“Fine. I’m fine,” he says, swatting his mother’s hand away playfully.
I join in on the concern, having my own agenda. “Maybe you need to lie down for a minute, it’s been a long trip.”
“Yes, good idea, Ashton. You two go lie down, and I’ll have some dinner ready when you wake up from a nap.”
Two minutes later we’re in Eli’s bedroom, the door closed and locked behind us. He pins me with another glare and I smile and shake my head.
“It’s not funny, what if they figure it out?”
I put on a sympathetic expression and slowly approach him, looping my arms around his waist. “ Hani, I can read the room. She doesn’t suspect anything, she thinks we’re two best friends who can share a room together because, let’s face it, we’ve done that before.”
“I guess,” he says, rubbing his hands down on his face. I gently pry them away and give him a tentative kiss, nipping at his bottom lip.
“We’ll be careful,” I say, “I promise.”
Eli nods, unlocks the door in case anyone tries to wake us later, and we both fall into the bed, on separate sides, exhaustion pulling us under.
Eli
I am home for the first time in two years and I feel like something in my chest has loosened. Like I can breathe a little easier and I don’t have to feel guilty for leaving my family behind to chase my dream, thousands of miles away.
And yet, I’m still hit with a wave of anxiety. How do I tell my parents that I may be in love with my best friend?
I’ve been in love once before, even if that love was unrequited, so I can spot the signs. How I feel lighter when Ash is near me, more like myself, how I want to spend every waking moment with him because he’s funny, and lively, and beautiful, and all I want is to be around him, hearing his jokes, and listen to him babble about anything and everything.
I might have fallen a little more in love with him when I saw him giving my mom a big hug and thanking her for the hospitality, or when he shook my dad’s hand in gratitude. When my dad praised him for his winning goal in the Calder Cup, I could see a shine in Ash’s eyes.
This is surprising since he’s usually not one to shy away from pride. His jersey is #1, after all. Cockiness might as well be his middle name. And yet, I wonder if he knows how incredible and amazing he was on the ice this season. Did we not tell him that enough?
My brother, Edvin, is away with some friends for the weekend so we won’t get to see him yet, but it’s nice to catch up with my family. The house is unchanged, with the exception of the spare bedroom being turned into a craft studio now. When the hell did that happen?
While my apartment in Grand Marquee is nice, it doesn’t always feel like home; it doesn’t feel cozy and lived in. I have so many memories in this house, of family meals, of mom and dad helping me with homework, me helping my little brother in return. The truth is, I missed them like crazy.
When we wake up from our nap, we venture downstairs, following the smell of karjalan paisti, a traditional stew with pork, beef, lamb, and vegetables, served with mashed potatoes. I give my mom another hug and say, “You didn’t have to go through all this trouble for dinner. We would be fine with anything, really.”
“As if I would feed my son anything but the best when he comes home.” She shakes her head at me but gives me a soft smile.
“I missed you, Mom,” I say with a sigh and kiss her cheek.
“I missed you too, hani. ” She pulls out of my hug and grabs the stew pot, placing it on the table. I grab the mashed potatoes and bread and help her.
“Ashton, take a seat. Make yourself at home,” my dad says, coming in from the living room where he was watching a game of jalkapallo, or as the Americans would call it, soccer. When I look over at Ash, he’s standing demurely in a corner, wringing his hands.
I frown at him and tilt my head in a motion to join me. He tentatively approaches and takes a seat next to me. While my parents are busy grabbing drinks for us all, I squeeze his leg and give him a wink. He seems to relax a little, but his smile seems tight. “Are you okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, just jet lagged, I guess,” he replies, fidgeting with a napkin. I slowly take my hand back but keep my eyes on his face. He does look tired and a little sad even.
“Do you want to go on a walk after dinner? Get some fresh air?”
“Sure.”
My mom peppers me with questions as we eat and Ash keeps quiet, but he does nod along to all my stories of work and life in Grand Marquee. He has two helpings of stew and my mom fawns all over him. It’s cute, I think. He fits here, with them. With me.
My dad gives us a run down of the training facility where we’ll be working at, which happens to also be where my brother trains. As a goalie developmental coach, my dad has helped train me and my brother growing up. He talks us through some of the drills he wants to set up for us, and I can see the excitement in Ash’s eyes dimming.
I make a mental note to ask him later what exactly about this arrangement is bothering him.
After dinner, we help clean up—I wash the dishes while Ash dries them, and my dad puts them away. My mom heads upstairs to work on her crafting—since she’s got some orders to fulfill— and the three of us sit and watch the remainder of the soccer game.
My dad takes the reclining chair while Ash and I share the couch together, and our legs touch from knee to thigh, but neither of us moves. I crave to be near him and I keep thinking that sneaking around here is going to be unbearable.
As soon as the game ends, my dad hands me a key to the house. “A copy for you, for the summer. Make sure you lock up after your walk.”
“I will. Thanks. Are you headed to bed?”
“Yeah, it’s been a long day. Get some rest tonight. Good night, boys.”
Ash and I say in unison, “Good night.”
Once my dad rounds the corner and I hear the door shut, I turn to Ash on the couch and slowly lean in. He watches me, amusement written all over his face. “What are you doing?” he says, nervously chuckling.
“Honestly, I didn’t pay attention to most of that game. All I was thinking about was kissing you,” I whisper. My eyes drop to his lush mouth and, even tired, he looks so damn good. His dark red hair is getting longer on top, and even his side fade is growing out a bit. And the stubble he has right now makes me want to touch him—every inch of him.
There’s a furrow between Ash’s eyebrows and he looks at me, searching for something. “I thought you wanted to be careful. No offense, Eli, but you’re kinda giving me mixed signals here.”
I pull back and realize that—he’s right—I was the one who came up with all the rules and asked him to keep us a secret so my family wouldn’t find out. Can I really not keep it in my pants after just one day?
“I’m sorry, you’re right. That’s really shitty of me.” I drag my hands over my face and internally scream at myself.
Ash sighs and places his hand on my thigh. “Let’s take that walk.”
We don’t go too far since it’s dark outside, but we do take the illuminated path to one of the lookouts with a fishing pond. Our shoulders brush the entire time and every now and then I run my fingers over the back of his hand. As always, Ash notices and looks at me sideways, a small smile playing on his face. When we get to the pond, we take a seat on the bench, and for a moment I just take it all in.
It’s a little chilly, to the point that I grabbed a sweatshirt, but Ash refused when I offered him one. He’s in his signature white T-shirt, a color that brings out his freckles and tattoos in the moonlight.
I try to stop, but fuck it, I can’t.
I can’t stop looking at him.
I can’t stop thinking about him.
I can’t stop loving him.
I take a deep breath and it catches when Ash turns to look at me. “What’s up?” he asks.
I slowly let out a sigh and say, “I don’t know, maybe I’m just feeling jet lagged.”
“And horny?” Ash waggles his eyebrows at me seductively.
“Shut up.” My hand reaches out to lightly push him away but he catches my wrist in his hand and brings it up to his face. Not once breaking eye contact with me, Ash kisses my wrist and my palm before turning my hand over and kissing the back of it too.
“The jetlag is an excuse and we both know it,” he says, too observant for his own good. My shoulders slump and I drop my head in the crook of his neck. Ash lets go of my hand and hugs me, even though it’s at an awkward angle and we’re sitting on a bench. One of his hands rubs up and down my back and the other tangles in my hair.
“I’m just—” I start, but I need to take a moment to compose myself. What am I trying to say?
I’m confused, and scared, because I really like you.
“Whatever this is between us, it’s not just sex anymore. I’m not sure how to tell my family, but I do want to tell them.”
Ash doesn’t say anything but continues to rub his hands up and down my back. Eventually he pushes me back to look at me and I can see his blue eyes are shining. “This isn’t just sex for me anymore either.” His face is soft and full of emotion and I don’t think I can handle him saying the words. “Eli, I?—“
My lips crush his in a kiss that I hope conveys everything.
Yes, yes, yes.
You love me, and I love you. But this thing between us is too complicated, and we just got here, and I don’t want to fuck it up. So please don’t say it yet.
Ash opens up to me, his hands gripping my hair at the nape of my neck, my hands fisting the collar of his white T-shirt until I think I might have stretched it out permanently.
God, I want him. So much.
When we come up for air, we’re both smiling, and a little shiver goes through Ash. “Cold?” I ask.
“Just a little. No, Eli, you don’t have to—” I grip the back of my sweatshirt and take it off in one swift movement. Ash swallows and it gives away that, yes, he was turned on by that little move. I pull the sweatshirt over his head and bring my face closer as I tug it into place.
“I like seeing you in my clothes,” I murmur, kissing the corner of his mouth.
Ash kisses me back, letting out a small moan. “ Fuck ,” he says, “it’s gonna be really hard keeping my hands off you for the summer.”
“I never said you should keep your hands off me. Just that we need some ground rules. Nothing around my parents or brother, but maybe when we go visit the city or if we take a train somewhere, we can spend the night away. Just us?”
“That sounds perfect.”
We stay on that bench for another hour, talking about summer plans and making out until we’re breathless. We walk back to the house hand in hand, holding on until we’re ready for bed. Even then, my hand finds his under the covers and I don’t let go until the morning.