Chapter 25
TWENTY-FIVE
ASH
We decide to be lazy on the couch and watch a movie, but I can’t concentrate the entire time. Being this close to Eli after so much time apart is messing with my brain. I’m aware of every single movement he makes, my eyes drifting to his face more times than I could count, to the point where I feel like I watched him more than I watched the movie.
We end up saying good night and going to our separate rooms and I might be losing my fucking mind for asking to take things slow, but I really don’t want to mess this up again.
While Eli forgave me, I still feel like I owe him. I need to make it up to him, and if that means being patient and letting him find his stride until he’s ready to make our relationship public, I’m more than happy to wait.
I shoot Robbie and Olivia a text letting them know Eli and I talked last night and that things are going well. Olivia immediately sends back a series of heart emojis in the group chat we have together, but Robbie sends me a private text.
Are you sure you’re fine? Call me if you need to talk.
His message makes me smile. Robbie, always the caretaker of the group. I truly don’t know what I would do without him.
promise I’m good. are you coming up for the red and white game?
I wait for his reply and hope he can make it. The red and white game was always Robbie’s favorite. It’s this training camp tradition where we get assigned to one of the teams and we get to play against players that are normally our teammates. The game has referees but doesn’t follow the normal rules of hockey. There’s no checking and no fighting allowed, just a combination of plays that we practice throughout the entirety of the training camp. In all his years with the Manticores, Robbie was always on the red team. And they always won.
Hoping to, even if it’s just for the day.
cool, can’t wait.
The next morning, I can hear Eli moving around the kitchen, so I grab my clothes and a towel and head out into the hallway. I pass the bathroom and poke my head into the kitchen where I find him making coffee. Eli looks over at me and smiles, one dimple popping in his cheek.
“Morning,” he says in a low, gravely voice.
I grin back helplessly. “Hey there. Are you hungry? I can make something once I get out of the shower.”
Eli shakes his head no and takes a small sip of his black coffee. He grabs the other mug and brings it over to me. I take it with my free hand and sip it and—of course—he made it just right, like always. I sigh contentedly, but my suspicion arises when he says, “I’m actually going out for breakfast.”
“Yeah? By yourself? I can join if you give me five minutes to shower.” I gulp down more coffee and step around Eli to place it on the counter.
“Oh, um—” He hesitates and I turn back to look at him. Does he not want me to go with him? It’s not like I can’t keep my hands to myself in public.
“I’m actually meeting Juuse,” he says, bringing the mug up to his lips. He seems nervous, his fingers are wrapped around the mug, tapping the side of it repeatedly. His eyes dart around my face looking for a reaction. Is he worried I’m jealous?
Am I jealous?
Of course I fucking am.
Stupid Juuse. Eli basically idolizes him, with his charm and perfect face, and the fact he’s also Finnish probably doesn’t hurt. I’m sure Eli could use a break from me and spend some time with a fellow goalie.
“Right. Okay,” I say, not knowing what else to add. “I’ll see you at the arena, I guess.” I don’t mean to sound as miserable and disappointed as I do, but I can’t fucking help it. I want more of his time and attention already.
Chill, Ashton.
I muster a smile and walk by him again towards the hall but Eli stops me with a hand on my bicep. “You seem bothered by it. Why?”
“I’m not, all’s good,” I say.
“Can we be honest with each other from now on? I don’t want you to be upset about something that I don’t even know about. I’d like some open communication going forward.”
I swallow. Well, shit. He’s right, communication hasn’t been our strong suit up until now so maybe being open is better.
“Okay…well, for the sake of honesty, I guess I’m bothered by the fact that last night you said you’d give us a real chance but said you’re not ready to be out, and this morning you’re going on a date with Juuse .” His name comes out more like a curse, and I realize I’m being kind of petty, but that’s what happens when I’m forced to communicate first thing in the morning. I’m hangry.
Eli’s eyes are wide and he lets out a sound that’s somewhere between a scoff and a laugh. “It’s not a date, hani . We’re just talking about hockey. He’s giving me some pointers and advice, that’s it.”
“But you realize that he’s into you, right?”
He shakes his head and moves his hand from my bicep to my face. Dropping a soft kiss on my lips, he says, “He’s definitely not. Do you trust me?”
“Of course I trust you, and I believe you if you say it’s not a date. I’m being jealous, I know. But Juuse is definitely into you, did you not notice the way he was checking you out yesterday in the locker room?” I say with a pout.
He chuckles. “I think that’s just your jealousy talking. How about I make it up to you for ditching you this morning? After training we can go out to dinner? Just us.”
I look away, pretending to think about it. “Hm, I might have to check my calendar.” Eli’s lips find my jaw and he tilts my head up, kissing me there, teasing me. “I might have some prior engagements, I’ll have to get back to you.”
I can feel his smile on my lips as he drops another kiss on me. “Okay, ilo . I’ll make a reservation just in case your schedule opens up.”
“Do you need a ride to the breakfast place?”
“No, I ordered a car to get there and I’ll get a ride from Juuse to the arena.”
I nod and give him room to gather his things. Then Eli finishes his coffee and leaves for his non-date with Prick —I mean—Juuse. I take my time in the shower, warm up the rest of my coffee and grab a couple granola bars to eat on the short drive to the arena. The whole time I can’t help but let my mind wander to what he’s planning for tonight.
Because if I’m not mistaken, Eli and I are going on a date.
Eli
The coffee shop is located inside a warehouse market, alongside other local shops. The place is so blue, bright, and happy. It instantly makes me think of Ash. I pull my phone out and snap a picture of the mural on one of the walls that has white clouds and constellations painted on a blue sky. Smiling to myself, I text him the picture along with a message.
This place reminds me of you.
Ash’s reply is immediate.
aww that’s so cute. you must like me or something, you think an awful lot about me
You must like me or something. Yeah, or something. I’m about to text him back and tell him how I think about him all the time but a tap on the shoulder stops me.
“Juuse, hey.” I pocket my phone and give him one of those awkward half hand shakes and half hugs.
“Hope you weren’t waiting for me long,” he says, switching the conversation to Finnish.
“Not at all. I didn’t even look at the menu yet.”
“You need to try one of their bagel sandwiches. Very good.”
“Sure, do you want to go first?”
Juuse smiles at me and I notice for the first time how close he’s standing to me. Our shoulders are nearly brushing and he’s leaning into my personal space. I’m relieved when he steps up to order and I shrug my shoulders, like I can shake off the feeling of anxiety at someone strange being in my personal bubble.
The avocado cucumber bagel sandwich catches my eye and I repeat the order in my head again and again. Could I get an avocado cucumber bagel sandwich and a chai tea latte? Please.
So when Juuse asks me something, I miss it. “Sorry,” I say, embarrassed.
He smiles again and repeats himself, “I said order what you want. This is on me.”
“Oh, well, thanks,” I say, a little flustered. “Can I get a cucumber avocado sandwich bagel and a chai? Please.” Damn it , that was definitely not the right order of words.
Once Juuse pays we head over to one of the open tables by the mural. I take a seat on the bench that’s over-run by frilly pillows and move some around so I can fit. He takes a seat across from me and when he leans both his impressive forearms on the table, I realize just how small this space is.
We’re both pretty big guys and when I shift my leg under the table, I accidentally brush his knee with mine. “Sorry,” I mumble.
“So, what have you been up to since I last saw you?” he asks, unbothered.
“Since last year? A lot.” I laugh.
“Tell me,” he says, with an easy smile. I notice he likes to hold eye contact when he talks, so I do my best to do the same. His eyes are a mossy green color and his short hair is blond. It’s a darker color than mine but not as dark blond as Robbie’s. He’s freshly shaved and his smile is blinding. Does he always show all his teeth when he smiles?
And why the hell am I paying this close attention?
Damn Ash, getting into my head and making me question things. Is Juuse into me?
“Well, as you know I’ve been the primary goalie for the Manticores. Things are going well, I was really happy with my performance in the Calder Cup, even though there’s room for improvement.”
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up, you did an amazing job. Especially that save in the third period and your assist in the final goal.”
“You watched that?” I ask, surprised that someone of his caliber would pay attention to the AHL games.
His nose scrunches as he replies, “Well, I watched the highlights. I was back in Finland for the offseason.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize you went back too. I left after the Calder Cup and spent a few months with my family.”
“Right on. Helsinki?”
“Yeah. You too?”
“No, I was in Turku. What else have you been doing?”
“Um, mostly hockey. I usually hang out with my group of friends back in Grand Marquee as well. Not much time for other hobbies during the season, as you know.”
“Are you seeing anyone?” His question makes me freeze. Is he asking just because he’s curious? Or is he trying to ask me out?
The barista brings over our drinks and sandwiches and I immediately take a big bite just to keep me from answering. Juuse gives me a lopsided smirk and I quickly look away while I chew.
“This sandwich is really good. Thanks, again.”
“My pleasure,” he says, eyes darting to the corner of my mouth when I lick some cream cheese off. Okay, maybe he is into me. Or maybe he’s just really observant.
“So, what about you? What have you been up to?”
He takes a bite before telling me more about his trip back home and how he also spent a few weeks in Ibiza with some friends, partying on some boats.
“Sounds like fun,” I say, thinking that the only boat I partied on this summer was a sailboat. Bittersweet memories resurface and I think about how Ash told me he loved me that night. Does he still feel as strongly now about me as he did back then?
I must be showing a smile because Juuse smiles back at me and reaches out to grab my hand when I place my chai down. I stare at it, frozen in place. What is happening right now?
“You didn’t answer my question earlier,” he says, smile still in place. He’s so confident and unbothered by the fact that we’re in public and he’s just casually holding my hand.
“Didn’t I?” I think my brain is short circuiting because I don’t know how to react right now. I want to pull my hand away but I don’t want to be rude.
“Okay, let me ask you another question. If I asked you to come back to my place tonight, would you say yes?”
My whole body flushes at the question and I swallow a few times before gathering my wits off the floor. I gently pull my hand away, glancing at his face. He doesn’t look hurt, but he does look curious, one blond eyebrow raised, waiting for an answer. “Probably not,” I say softly, carefully.
Juuse nods and his eyes narrow on me. “Is it because you’re not into guys? Or…”
“I’m not,” I say quickly and the lie tastes bitter on my tongue. I groan and close my eyes, running a hand over my face. “I am, I don’t know why I lied.”
“You’re not out yet,” he guesses and I nod.
“I’m flattered,” I say, making sure to maintain eye contact, “but the reason I won’t come back to your place is more complicated than just that. I have?—”
I pause, thinking of Ash this morning and how jealous he was. I guess he was right about Juuse. “I have feelings for someone else.”
Admitting it to someone other than myself feels good. When I had this conversation with my parents, I strictly avoided talking about Ash, because I didn’t want them to know the full extent of what he meant to me and how we broke each other’s hearts. Normally I would lean on Robbie for this kind of heart to heart, but our relationship is currently strained.
“Well, if that doesn’t work out, you have my number,” Juuse says with a wink.
I smile and shake my head. Shameless flirt, just like someone else I know.