12. Julie #2
For a second, I’ve convinced myself our town is too much for him again and he must’ve moved away after all, but as I round the corner and the fire station comes to view, I spot those broad shoulders stretching the back of his dark blue T-shirt and those khaki pants molding his backside to near perfection.
I was never into tight-fitting clothes until I saw Griffin in his uniform, and I have to mentally shake myself. Griffin has always been handsome, at every age, but this version of him? It’s by far my favorite.
I’m still a good twenty feet away, but he seems to sense someone approaching, swinging his head to look over his shoulder and for a second, all my worries fall away because there’s a flash of happiness on his face.
But it’s only a flash.
One he replaces with a blackened expression. I have a strange sense he wants to run away but by this point it’s too late.
“Hey, Julie,” Griffin greets me with an acknowledging nod. I don’t like it.
Hey, Julie? Why does that sound so…wrong?
“Hi, Griff.” I smile, my heart beating so hard I swear he can see it through my shirt.
“What are you doing here? Going to lunch with Owen?” he asks, the stubble on his face much longer than the last time I saw him.
“Oh, no, I was coming to see you.”
“Me?” His eyebrows jump up.
“Yep,” I smile broadly.
That’s my life motto.
One of many.
In any situation, smile. A happy smile or a sad one, a smile is an answer to any question. And the worse the situation, the bigger the smile.
Delusional much? Yeah, maybe. But it’s worked for me thus far.
“You haven’t stopped by the shop in a while,” I say, hiding the nerves behind my happy expression.
Right away, his arm starts moving up and I know it’s to rub the back of his neck, but Griffin must catch himself doing it and drops it. “I got a coffee machine.”
I blink. “A coffee machine?” I state, not understanding what that has to do with anything.
“Yeah, you know to make my own coffee at home.”
“Oh, okay, I haven’t thought of that scenario.”
“Mm-hmm. It’s peaceful.”
“Your coffee machine?” I frown.
“Yep, it’s my new best friend.”
“Wow, must be some good coffee.” I nibble on the corner of my lip.
“The best I’ve had.” Realization hits Griffin even before he finished the sentence. “I didn’t mean—” he starts but I stop him.
With a smile that just barely glazes over the drop my heart made.
“It’s okay, I know my coffee is not for everyone. It’s an acquired taste and not one to your liking,” I tell him, but it’s me who these words hit because I'm sure we're both aware we're not really talking about the coffee. At least, I do.
I am an acquired taste. I know that. I do know that.
Gathering myself together, I change the subject. “So, do you want to come over tonight? You should see how tall the lettuce is now.”
“Sorry, I can’t tonight.” He rubs his jaw.
“Tomorrow?”
“Nah, busy again.”
“Oh, well, maybe on Thursday?”
Griffin purses his lips, taking a second to respond. “I already have plans that day.”
Just then, a breeze carries over from the ocean, wrapping its chilly fingers around me and yet another realization hits me.
No matter what day…Griffin won’t be available.
He’s putting up a fence around his road, one I’ve tried to swerve onto.
I nod, swallowing a thick lump in my throat and put on the largest smile I could manage. You’ve got to work this time, I beg the smile. You have to give me strength to keep going.
“Well, okay then. Maybe one of these days.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Griffin answers quickly, too quickly for it to be true, and throws his thumb over his shoulder. “Sorry, I gotta get back to work.”
“Oh, no, I’m sorry for keeping you. Bye, Griffin.”
“Bye, Julie,” he says with finality and walks away without a second glance.
Something small and fragile breaks inside me.
Oh God, I did it again, haven’t I? I went and fell in love with my brother’s best friend all over again as if I didn’t know better. As if I wasn’t aware how far apart our roads were.
But the truth is, I don’t think I ever fell out of love with him. It was simply asleep, in hibernation, and now that he’s back, all those seeds I planted finally sprouted through the ground.
Unfortunately, once again, there’s no one to collect the harvest. No one to make those silly dreams a reality and without strong, loving hands to hold them, they’ve shattered.
I want to cry. I want to scream but that’s never done any good.
Instead, I take my shoes off, take a right turn disappearing from sight, and using back streets I climb all the way up through the town and outside its limits.
I keep going until my raw feet feel the relief of soft, damp grass underneath them.
There I take a deep breath. The first one of many and keep going until I hit Jacob’s property. He bought a large stretch of land on the hill, overlooking the whole of Loverly Cave when he moved here, and not long after he dedicated an area for me to use as my garden.
I was running out of room at my parents’ place, and he was kind enough to offer me fresh, untouched terrain.
A minute later, when my garden comes into view, I fall to the ground, digging my fingers into the soil and only then do I let my tears fall.
Did I really think anything would change? Have I seriously allowed my dreams to come out of hiding?
I sit at one of my planter boxes and start plucking out the weeds. I guess Mom is right after all, knowing for sure is far better than keep playing the guessing game day after day, year after year. At least that way, the wounds could start healing instead of festering.
The sun is shining. The grass is green. Spring is knocking on our doors. My garden is thriving. I still have so much love in my heart.
There’s plenty to be thankful for. Plenty to look forward to. And I intend to do just that.
Another tear drops. And then one more and more and more. And I let them, this time.
“Julie bean?” Jacob’s voice sounds from across the garden.
“Hey.” I send him a quick wave and go back to plucking out the weeds.
“What are you doing here?” Jacob asks and I note a hint of worry in his tone.
“Just tending to my garden. Why are there so many weeds over here?” I ask, more to myself than him.
“Um, Jules, that’s great and all, but…it’s midnight.”
“What? It is?” I finally look up, my hands halting in the dirt. The sky is dark and littered with tiny stars as gray clouds threaten to hide them from the view.
I blink, looking from the sky to the ground and up again.
It’s dark out…
“Julie?” Jacob’s huge body crouches over mine. “Are you okay, bean?”
I didn’t notice it getting dark.
“I don’t know,” I admit honestly, because I never lie to my friend. “But I will be.”
“Okay, do we need a ducking intervention?” he asks in all seriousness, and it seems to do the trick because a laugh bubbles out of me. A wet, teary one, but a laugh nonetheless.
Jacob and his rubber ducks. The guy’s obsessed and it’s adorable. He owns every shirt possible with them and has more than enough stuffed ones around his house.
Any time someone isn’t feeling well, Jacob sits them in front of a row of those and leaves so we can talk about our feelings with someone who’ll never judge. His words, not mine, and I must admit, I love the ducking intervention.
It works.
“No, I think my garden helped this time.” I chuckle and attempt to get up from the ground. And it’s a feeble one because now that I’m trying to move, I realize just how long I’ve been sitting here and merely crawling from one box to another. My legs are aching and tingling all over.
I wince and Jacob is there to help me up.
“Just how long have you been out here?”
“Um, I’m not sure, actually. About six or maybe nine hours,” I admit, biting the inside of my cheek.
Jacob’s eyes grow wide. “Julie! Nine hours? You’ve been out here for nine fucking hours? Just what the hell has happened?” It’s rare, so rare for our loving Viking to get worked up so.
“I promise, I’ll tell you. Just not now. Anyway, what are you doing out here this late?”
Jacob simply nods and accepts my subject change. “I was on my way to LPs.”
“LPs? This late?”
“I know, but I’ve just got this feeling that I’m supposed to be there, you know?”
“Then stop wasting your time on little old me here and get down there.” I push him lightly toward the town down below.
Jacob and I both share the belief that you must follow your heart and do what feels right. Always. No matter what.
“Let’s go then.” Jacob holds out his arm. “Your place is on the way,” he says, knowing if he leaves, I’ll stay here until morning and he’s just stubborn enough to stay with me.
And miss following his feeling. Who knows, what if it’s the love of his life on the other end of that feeling?
I sigh, resignation filling my bones and start walking with a grinning Jacob trailing behind me.
I could stay here forever, just hiding out in my happy place, talking to my plants who’ve always shown me their love freely until I’m numb with cold, but Jacob is right, I need to go home and deal with the broken dreams.
For nine glorious hours, I’ve covered them up, now it’s time to—no, not throw away. I’ll never do that. Dreams are precious, even the failed and broken ones, they are there to teach us something important, so I simply put them into the memory box where they belong.
Where my love for my brother’s best friend had always belonged.