Chapter 35 Cole
Cole
We walked from the bus stop back to the hotel.
The sun sank low, painting the narrow cobbled streets in gold.
I couldn’t get what Charlotte had shared out of my head.
Art school hadn’t been what she’d hoped.
It must have been awful to learn of Roy’s condition and come home.
I’d abandoned her. I’d had no choice, but it was still a terrible thing.
While I’d been in New York selling my soul to the devil, Charlotte had been single-handedly holding up the heavens.
“Wait,” Charlotte said, grabbing my hand. “Let’s sit for a minute and drink it in.”
I let her pull me up the crowded Spanish Steps to perch midway up. Charlotte balanced a pizza box on her knees. She tore a slice off and handed it to me. “Nothing can top street pizza. Not even that posh restaurant at the hotel.”
I took a bite. The artichoke melted against my tongue, and the crisp base cracked perfectly against my teeth. “I agree. Ten out of ten pizza. No notes.”
“This city is alive.” She put her hand on her chest. “It makes my heart beat so hard. Does it do the same for you? It’s another world. I feel like I’ve sailed away in a tiny boat and left everything behind. It’s as though there’s a filter on the world and everything is brighter.”
My heart was beating hard, but it wasn’t Rome. I’d traveled all over the world and never felt like this. It was Charlotte. She’d described how being back with her felt. Today was like we’d both been sixteen again. Charlotte was my eternal city. The only place my heart wanted to dwell.
We ate in silence, knees touching, watching a street performer at the bottom of the steps who was imitating the walks of unsuspecting tourists. Children chased pigeons. The scent of warm tomatoes and herbs hung in the air.
She took another bite of her pizza. “You know one of the worst things about you leaving the way you did?”
I turned to face her. “Tell me.”
“I swear you took my Buffy DVD box set. All these years, and I could never find it.”
“DVD box set? Why would I take that? Nobody has owned a DVD player since the Dark Ages.”
She narrowed her eyes in exaggerated suspicion, but her voice was teasing. “It vanished around the same time as you. It’s the only explanation.”
“Not guilty. I don’t even like Buffy.”
She gasped, feigning shock. “Lies! Take that back. You loved Buffy.”
“I only remember you forcing me to watch them all.”
Her eyebrows flew up in outrage. “Forced you? Whatever. You knew all the words in the musical episode. Your eyes were always bugging out of your head whenever Cordelia Chase was on screen. You cried when Xander brought Dark Willow back. Don’t tell me you weren’t a fan.”
I shrugged, but I couldn’t help the smile pulling at my lips. Fine. Maybe I had enjoyed watching it, even if it had just been a way to spend time with Charlotte.
“Who did you ship? Spuffy or Bangel?”
“I’m sorry?”
She tore off another slice of pizza and handed it to me. “Who did you want to be together in the end? Spike and Buffy or Buffy and Angel?”
“I think Spike understood Buffy’s darkness in a way that Angel didn’t.”
She flashed a triumphant grin. “Ha! That’s insightful analysis from a non-fan. Don’t tell me you haven’t been on the forums. I’m sorry that you’re wrong.”
“Oh?”
“Buffy and Angel were endgame. He was her first love. They were meant to be together. You can’t convince me otherwise.”
“Spike and Buffy literally banged a house down.”
She munched her pizza. “That’s good sex. That’s nice, but it’s not what matters.”
“What matters?”
“Finding the person who will put you first. Someone you can be yourself with and makes you feel safe. Someone you can depend on.” Her eyes slipped away. “They won’t ever hurt you or leave you.”
Like me. I hurt you, I know. My gaze lingered too long on her mouth.
I knew every one of her smiles. I missed the easy smile she’d worn when we were kids.
Now every smile was guarded. Had I done that to her?
I’d been trying to convince myself that I could ignore these feelings, but I’d never be able to.
The truth was, I’d loved Charlotte since I was eleven and I’d first laid eyes on her at Roy’s house.
All these years, and it had only ever been her.
No one could ever compare. Nothing had ever felt more right than being with her last night, even if it had been a game.
Charlotte had talked about finding a blank page. I’d played along, knowing I was kidding myself. We were too deeply connected. We had too much history. This woman hadn’t been a side character in my first act; she was written on every page. This was just another chapter in a complicated story.
The moment I saw her at Roy’s funeral, I’d known I could never leave her behind again.
I’d only ever wanted to protect her from my father, and at some point that had morphed into protecting her from me.
My father had probably loved my mother at the start, but he’d destroyed her. I couldn’t do that to Charlotte.
She took another bite of pizza. The gooey cheese stretched between her mouth and the slice. She laughed. “Oh God. Don’t watch me eat. It’s hard to eat pizza elegantly.”
Could she ever forgive me? Would she let me try to win her back?
It should have been the easiest thing to ask her, but my throat felt too thick and my chest too tight.
It wasn’t in either of our best interests for this to be real.
Charlotte would be better off without me and the world I moved in.
She could take the money, walk away, and start the new life she deserved. One about her and what she wanted.
The one thing I remembered from watching that show with Charlotte was that Angel was putting Buffy first when he left.
He knew she would have a better life without him.
He didn’t leave because he’d stopped loving her, but because it was impossible to stay.
A human and a vampire could never work in the real world.
Charlotte offered me the last slice of pizza from the box, but I waved it away. Of course she couldn’t forgive me. Not when I couldn’t offer her a reasonable explanation. It was impossible. Too many years. Too much damage.
Tomato sauce streaked her cheek. I brushed it away with my thumb. Her laugh was self-effacing. “I’m getting this all over myself, aren’t I?”
My heart was as heavy as a stone. “I’m just glad to see you enjoying yourself.”