Chapter 2—Milly
I should have known that this was too good to last. Stupid girl. My grandfather’s voice filters about in my head, and I can’t help but agree with him. I should have kept with what we’ve known, what we’ve been doing. Sure, it was a lonely existence that was exhausting, having to look over our shoulders every five seconds while we ran. We were safe, though. But that scream? That’s anything but safe.
I ignore the women talking to me and turn to the pool like everyone else does. Some kids cry when they get scared or run and hide. Not mine. He freezes. He shouts out his distress and then goes cold as stone. Thank God he’s playing in the shallow part of the pool, or he’d have sunk to the bottom for sure as I look over his fear-stricken face.
I don’t have time to think, to react in a way that might not draw so many eyes. And honestly, I don’t owe these people anything. I rented the place they own fair and square. Nothing about our interaction so far has anyone owing anyone else a thing.
“Ollie,” I call as I walk closer to the pool.
He doesn’t even look over at me, but I know he heard it.
Everyone is quiet. Too quiet. They’re not even pretending not to watch. I get that we’re the outsiders here, and I’m okay with that. I got no gut reaction that told me to run when I first met the landlord and noted that he owned the clubhouse across from the backyard we were staying in. No one here has given me a bad vibe, a feeling that I’ve learned to trust well in the past. Despite that, I wish they were all a bit more self-absorbed and didn’t watch. I feel their eyes on me. And no doubt Ollie does too. It’s not helping.
I call his name again as I take a step into the pool, ignoring the water that covers the tops of my slip-on sneakers. Still, he doesn’t look at me, and I follow his line of sight to see him staring at the man by the patio doors. He’s not one I’ve seen around before, and I note that he looks more weathered than the rest, as if he just got out of a sandstorm with the amount of dirt and grime on him. But it’s the knife in his hands that has me cursing. I might have been able to cure most of Ollie’s fears, but never that one.
“Oliver.” I put more sternness into my voice as I move through the water, blocking his view of the weapon. Only then do his eyes find me. “That’s right, baby, look at me. I think it’s time to go.”
I take a beat but don’t move closer. I’ve seen this before with him, and I know he doesn’t like sudden movements.
“Want to get out of the pool?” I ask. I always ask. He gets to decide, to make the choice. I won’t force the decision on him unless it’s a matter of his life on the line.
“Come on, Ollie. I’m done with the pool too.” The kid beside him, Teddy, grabs at his arms, and I lunge.
I only hear the splashing of water, but no doubt the people around us are finally reacting rather than just watching. Doesn’t take a person growing up here to realize this Teddy kid is special to this group, that all the kids here are. There are only a few of them, but each of them seems to have gotten a smile out of everyone they cross. And I doubt any of them take kindly to seeing another kid swing at one they consider family .
To his credit, Teddy moves out of the way enough that Ollie only nips him on his chin before I’m pulling my kid into my arms and dealing with the swings myself. I know he isn’t here right now. He’s far away, locked in a memory, and I’m not the one he’s hitting in his mind.
I squeeze a bit to get him to stop, even after I get a knee to the stomach and a few good hits to my ribs. Not sure if I’m tearing up from the pain or just proud as hell that, for someone so young, Ollie’s able to fight as well as someone twice his age.
I keep saying his name, just a calm note, even if I grunt it out. It takes only a minute or two for him to calm down, but eventually he does, and his hits turn into a hug, holding on for dear life.
I pick him up, cradling him in my arms as I make my way out of the pool. I ignore everyone else around me. None of them matter. Some might have asked something or even offered to help, but I tune them out as I walk to the back door and pick up my go-bag. I always have it with me. I would have had it on my back if I didn’t think it would have caused more questions from this group.
I head to the bathroom that Chains’ wife, Maddy, pointed out when we came in, setting Ollie down on the sink counter before turning back to shut the door. A few people have followed us in, but again, I close them out as I lock the door. Grabbing a towel off the rack, I wrap it around his shoulders and rub away the chill.
I don’t talk. This isn’t about me. It never is. It took me a while to figure it out, but Ollie doesn’t like to talk about things that happen till he’s ready. Till he’s had the time to think through his own thoughts and feelings on the matter .
“Never thought I would see one again.” He’s looking down at his hands that are folded in his lap as I continue to dry his hair. He nods, but only to himself, as if he just decided something.
I put the towel down on the sink as I grab my bag off the ground where I dropped it when we came in and set it on the sink beside him.
“Maybe we should try the pictures again,” he says as he looks up at me.
I feel his eyes on me and see him out of my periphery. I keep my hands busy so he doesn’t see them shake as I nod. “Yeah, maybe.” If I look at him, I know I’m going to break and start talking more than he wants right now.
A few years ago, I thought looking at pictures of things he was afraid of would help him overcome some of his fears. You know, the whole “start small and ease him into it” thing? I wish I’d done that with cars, but I had no choice when I first got him. I had to get out of there quickly, and the easiest way was with a car. It took him over a year to not have a panic attack as soon as he got in one. He still flinches a bit when he sits in one, but it’s minimal, and he pretends it doesn’t happen. Just like I do. It’s easier to do that than admit that I’m failing him daily.
I want to hug him, to give him some comfort, but other than me bringing him in here, I know he wouldn’t welcome it. Not yet. He’ll come to me when he’s ready. He always does. Just as soon as the ghosts in his mind disappear and he feels safe again.
I don’t know if the picture therapy will help, but it’s not like I’m going to go out and buy a knuckle knife. I stupidly thought we would never see one again. But this is America, so of course people would carry around weapons of all kinds, even at a one-year-old’s birthday party.
I’m not opposed to weapons. I have my own Glock buried at the bottom of my bag and a knife strapped to my ankle under my jeans. But I carry it for a reason—not because I like them but because I have to. How that guy was holding it, it was like he was showing it off. I grind my teeth to hold back my thoughts on the matter. I might not be the best role model for Ollie, but I try to hold in my rants when I can. Especially when he’s vulnerable like this after one of his attacks.
“Here are your clothes, little man. Dry off and get dressed. I’ll wait for you out there.”
He takes them from me, putting on his glasses as he hops off the counter. Kid struggles with a small bit of nearsightedness. He can see fine up close, but it’s blurry far away, enough that he feels uncomfortable when he needs to look beyond just those in front of him. He told me once that if I was there to protect him, then he was going to do all he could to protect me too. Even if that meant wearing glasses to just give him one-tenth of a better shot at seeing something that could harm either of us.
I open the door quickly, taking my bag and another towel with me, before shutting it. It’s not even half a second before I hear the door lock. My kid’s smart. These people might seem okay, but we don’t know them enough to keep a door unlocked between us.
I walk to the empty kitchen and put my bag on the island counter before I dry off a bit. I’m not drenched, but I went for a swim with clothes on, and jeans hold water like nothing else does. Wasn’t planning on getting wet when we came here, but I still have an extra pair of clothes in my bag, though I don’t pull them out. A little discomfort won’t hurt, and I don’t want to take the chance of finding a room to change into and not having eyes on Ollie. Like I said, I don’t know these people, not really. I get that they’re in a biker club, and while they don’t seem to be like some of the other biker assholes I’ve met in the past, you never know who a person is till it’s too late.
Just ask Mia.
“He going to be okay?”
I glance at the dick with the knife who caused all this as he walks into the kitchen. I fold the towel and set it on the counter as I nod. Have half a mind to thank him for interrupting my thoughts so I didn’t go down my own version of Ollie’s rabbit holes, but I also want to gut him with the weapon he has.
I chance another glance at him and note that the knife isn’t on him as I look him over.
“Like what you see?”
His drawl of arrogance has me lifting my eyes to his face, which is sporting a smug-as-shit grin. Of course he would assume that I’m checking him out and not looking for something that crumbled the heart and soul of a little boy down the hall.
I turn to him as I cross my arms. “And what might that be? A redneck asshole who thinks so highly of himself that he’s got no problem hitting on a woman whose son had a breakdown because someone thought it was a good idea to play with knives at a kid’s party? ”
I watch with glee as the wide smile slips off his face and a glare replaces it. What can I say? I’m a sadist at heart. At least that’s what my brothers would say. But coming from them, it’s a compliment and not an insult.
“Wasn’t playing, just showing off. And before you get your panties in a twist, maybe stop coddling the boy a bit.” He turns to walk off, but I don’t let him.
I take two steps to follow him as I speak. “Excuse the fuck out of me? What the hell did you just say?”
He glances back with that smug grin that just pisses me off. “You heard me.”
“I don’t think I did. ’Cause it sounded like you think I’m babying my kid.”
He shrugs as he turns back around, as if that’s answer enough.
“I’ll have you know that I don’t do that shit with him. He’s of his own mind. Kid’s got more smarts than half the damn people in this place, I bet.”
He snorts at that. “Yeah, but he screams like a girl when he sees a knife.”
I take another step toward him, forcing myself close to him. Too close. Another inch and we’d be touching. His clothes might be dirty, but they don’t hide much. He’s got muscles, I’ll give him that. Every one of the guys here has them. They must all train together or something, but I don’t care about that. His face is pretty enough, framed by his long, rich brown hair. His mustache and beard seem to be an extension of him, and in another life, he would make for a great werewolf replica, but it works on him. Guess he’s even immune to silver, since he has a few rings on, including a chunky skull and crossbones on his pinky.
Despite it all, to include the pretty face, he’s a first-class jerk.
I speak low, more to curb my rising anger than to hide what I’m saying to the others around here. “It wasn’t just a knife but a specific type. And before you get on that high horse of yours, maybe think for one goddamn minute that, while it’s clear that a few of the others outside had a knife or a weapon on them, he ”—I point to the still-closed bathroom door down the hall to emphasize my words—“didn’t almost knock the shit out of one of your own who got close to him when he saw theirs. Only when he saw yours. Then he froze with fear and reacted as if fighting for his life.” I watch his glare die, confusion taking its place. “Does that seem like a coddled kid?”
I don’t wait for his reply as I hear the door at the end of the hall open, and I spin back to grab my bag. Throwing it over my shoulder, I turn as Ollie comes up and hands me his swimsuit. I already have the wet bag I keep on me out, so he puts his stuff in it and takes it to carry. We’ll wash it when we get home, then put everything back in our bags and be ready to go at a moment’s notice, like we always do.
“Are you guys leaving?” Maddy’s lyrical voice has us both turning.
The asshole is still there, but now he’s looking at Ollie with too much interest for my taste. I step in front of my kid and push him behind me. Both Maddy’s and the guy’s eyebrows rise as they take in my action. No hiding that I’m being protective, and I don’t care if it offends them .
Okay, maybe I care a bit as I watch Maddy frown. I heard a few of the people at the party call her Mama Bear, so no doubt she’s protective of her own three kids, and probably anyone else’s who gets close. Since the first day I met her, she’s been nothing but nice. I don’t get that a lot. I’m from New York—we don’t do nice. Since I got Ollie, well, we’ve moved too many times to find anyone willing to be. No need to be nice to a stranger who ain’t sticking around. Sure, we got smiles and nods, even a few hellos, but never had anyone come over with baked goods as a “welcome to the neighborhood” before. Which is ironic since the house we rent isn’t even close to Maddy’s place. But I guess it’s in the club’s neighborhood.
“Yeah, think we got enough sun for the day. Thanks for inviting us. It was nice.”
I turn and push Ollie forward to the door, always making sure he goes out first when we have to turn our backs on someone. I’d rather they shoot me than him.
“We should do it again sometime.” I cringe a bit at the note of desperation in Maddy’s voice before I look back. She’s taken a few steps closer to us—following us out, I’m sure. “Teddy would love to have Oliver over anytime for a playdate.”
Ollie looks back at her and then at me. I curb the guilt as I squeeze my eyes tight for half a second before I open them again. I saw the want there. The desire to play with someone his own age for longer than one time before we have to move again. I’ve done what I can, but even if we stay in a place long enough to attend school for a few months, he never gets to see them after the school day is done. It’s not safe for them or him .
It was that guilt that got us here, that had me agreeing to come to this monstrosity of a birthday. Who even throws a one-year-old a shindig like this? Well, maybe back home with the families, but Maddy went all out. I half expected her to say this was a four-in-one party, which would explain why there was so much of everything going on for every age group in that backyard.
“Yeah, maybe,” I say, but everyone knows I’m lying. I see it in Ollie’s shoulder drag and the small frown Maddy tries to hide before she plasters a smile on her face and nods quickly.
“I’ll drop by next week.”
She’s trying so hard, but I can’t lie to her again. I don’t nod at her or anything, just turn and walk out the door.
I don’t have a problem lying. Done it all my life, it seems. I hate doing it to Ollie, or when it’s about Ollie and he’s standing right there. Each time I do, I see what little spirit he has left die a bit more. I don’t even know if we’ll be here for a few more days, much less next week. I might have signed a six-month lease for the place, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to keep it.
As the screen door shuts, I wrap my arm around Ollie and sink into the warmth he gives me as he leans on me as we start the walk home. I didn’t bring the car, as I foolishly thought we could have one day of peace. The walk won’t be long, though. While the main roads make it a ten-to-fifteen-minute drive, there aren’t any fences on the open green pastures between here and the neighborhood our place is close to. It’ll take almost as long to walk as it would to drive by taking the shortcut. And maybe by the time we get to our place, I can figure out a way to make my kid smile again. At least for a little while, before I have to pack us up again .
Before we get too far, I hear Maddy talking. I can only assume it’s to the guy with the knife, and as I chance a look behind me, I confirm my suspicions. Both of them are staring out the door at us.
“What the hell did you say, Bass?”
“Me? Why do you think it was me?” There’s indignation in his voice.
“’Cause despite what the brothers might say, you aren’t as charming as you think you are.”
For the first time since we’ve been here, I wish we could stay. Maddy just did the impossible and doesn’t even know it. She made me laugh. Something that’s rare even on a good day, and never on a day with an episode from Ollie. The girl really is something else.
Too bad we can never be friends.